Welcome to the LiveJournal of
KANE

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[29 Oct 2003 | 2:40pm]

Hello! My name is Kane Steinberg, and I guess I'm here to give this Live Journal thing a shot! I haven't really kept a journal, but from what I've heard, it's pretty fun to do. Actually, a fellow co-worker told me about it earlier today, and needless to say, he convinced me to give this a try. This was before he spilled piping hot coffee all over my chest, after which I proceeded to grab him by the neck and slam him on a nearby desk, breaking his spine in the process. He's dead.

But enough "blither blather", I should probably tell you some interesting facts about me!!

My name is Kane Steinberg (already said that!), I live in Hellfire & Brimstone, Ohio with my wife, Alice, and my two sons: Jon and Chandler. I work at a local insurance company called Leroy, Thompson,and Leroy. It's a desk job, but it pays the bills! (LOL)

I'm 43 years old, and I enjoy watching (not playing, what with my bad knees and all) football, basketball, baseball....you name it!

Anyhoo, I'm not sure what else to write for now, so maybe I'll just call it a day. I'm actually going to take my sons to see Pete Rose later on today. He's signing autographs at a local sports store. I’m a huge fan. Should be fun!

-=||Kane Steinberg||=-

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[30 Oct 2003| 1:15pm]

It's me again.

Well, that autograph signing sure turned out to be a big mistake. When my sons and I finally made it to the front of the line, it was announced that the signing was over. We were waiting in line for over two hours! My kids were heartbroken, as was I. This naturally led to me grabbing Pete Rose’s neck, lifting him up in the air, and consequentially slamming him to the floor. Needless to say, I'm not allowed to go 50 feet near Babe Ruth's Sports Emporium anytime soon.

On the bright side, I just bought a scanner today at Best Buy. At those prices, it truly is the “Best” “Buy”! (LOL) People always tell me I should have gone into advertising. But back on topic, I’ll now be able to scan some pictures and put them on my LiveJournal for everyone to see! I shall return with pictures!

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[30 Oct 2003| 5:14pm]

Well, it’s a good thing I bought that warranty for my scanner. After trying to install it for three hours, I ended up throwing it against the wall in frustration. So I took it back and they gave me a new one and offered to install it for me. And for a fair price! At those prices, they truly are the “Best” “B wait I just got a weird feeling of déjà vu. Weird! (LOL)

I also decided to get a digital camera. I couldn’t resist! At that price it truly was the “

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[30 Oct 2003| 7:34pm]

Okay, my scanner and digital camera is ready!! I scanned some pictures that I found around the house.

This is a picture of Alice, Jon, Chandler, and me at the Grand Canyon last year. It was really fun.

This is a picture taken of me when I was 8 years old, just before I uttered my first words. If you click that link, you’ll actually hear them! It’s amazing how my father happened to have an mp3 audio recorder in 1969.

This is a picture of me during my awkward teenage years. Isn’t it true that everyone looks back on these years and gets embarrassed by their hairstyle? What was I thinking? (LOL)

This is my official work picture that appears on my business card. I love that tie.

That’s it for now! I’ll post more pictures later sometime.

-====Kane Steinberg===-

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[2 Nov 2003| 10:13am]

It's that special day!! Today is my anniversary. I'm going to leave work early and spend the day with Alice. My dad is going to lock the kids up in his basement for the day, so my wife and I can FINALLY spend some good quality time with each other. I still have to get something for her, though. Any ideas?

Aw heck, I think I'll just back her up into a corner and smell her hair for about five minutes.

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[5 Nov 2003| 4:59pm]

Today I was taking out the trash at work today, since we just had a company party earlier that day. Right when I threw the garbage bag into the dumpster, I noticed that my wedding ring somehow fell off. So I climbed in the dumpster, thinking that it fell in there. After searching around for a few minutes, I heard another employee walk bythe dumpster, on his way into the building. The kicker is that he threw a lit cigarette, which ironically landed right by me. And since I keep a can of kerosene with me at all times, the entire dumpster quickly lit on fire.

Long story short, the doctor said I only sustained a few cuts and bruises on my arm, and that I’d only be out of commission for about a week. WOO! Vacation! (LOL)

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[13 Nov 2003| 11:02am]

Hey guys. I’m at work right now and I’m really bored. I set up a webcam that you can check out if you want to see Kane Steinberg in insurance selling action!

Oh shit the boss is coming brb

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[13 Nov 2003| 11:02am]

Meadowbrook Winds
by Kane Steinberg

Walking through a meadow, wind blowing with glee
I pass a magical forest with a big golden tree
Gazing at beautiful flowers, bumblebees in the morn,
A smell a beautiful rose, aware of its prickly scorn
I'm aghast at my bliss, far from all trouble
I beat a dog senseless with my old, rusty shovel

SOOOO BORED. I'm supposed to prepare a budget summary for tomorrow's meeting. Should be fun. YEAH RIGHT. (LOL)

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[14 Nov 2003| 3:52pm]

Things are not good. Ten minutes before my big presentation, I went to the copy room to well, make copies. Unfortunately, a fellow co-worker was using it before me and used up all the toner. With no time to spare, I realized that my much-needed copies would never be made in time, because it was then revealed to me that nobody had ordered any new ink cartridges. So I guess in hindsight, it wasn't a good idea for me to grab my fellow co-worker and electrocute his penis with jumper cables. I guess that budget summary was important, because Leroy, Thompson, and Leroy had to lay off half of its employees, including me.

Do you think McDonald’s is hiring?

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[28 Nov 2003| 9:30am]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but life has been chaotic trying to find a new job. Alice is constantly nagging at me about providing for the children. She says that I should at least get a temporary job at a fast food chain. How degrading would that be? I'm an insurance salesman, not a....food salesman. Okay, so I guess it's pretty similar to what I already do, but still, not gonna happen!! Besides, I have a job interview coming up. It's for another insurance company. I think I can get the job. I'll be sure to let you know!

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[5 Dec 2003| 1:00am]

Hi, it's me. I suppose you're all wondering about that job interview I had. It didn't go well. I was mainly talking with Jim, a company manager. Anyway, I think it was right about when Jim was telling me about the company's dress code and said something like "we don't look like monsters here" in a joking manner. I think at this time I blew the interview by punching him in the face, taking a can of gasoline and lighting him on fire. It probably didn't help matters much when I started laughing at his fat body flailing on the ground either. But what really put the nail in the coffin was when I looked at Jim and said, "You're fired," while simultaneously pointing my entire hand towards him. You know, that's what Donald Trump does on his hit TV show "The Apprentice." But then some white twenty-something guy with glasses and a used car salesman voice started to tell me how witty I was. I think he was being sarcastic. Oh well.

It's not the end of the world. If Monster.com only had one job for me, it would be out of business!

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[27 Dec 2003| 2:25am]

Well, it’s that magical time of year when Santa Clause comes to life and spreads joy and happiness to all the children of the world. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, my family does celebrate Christmas. It was kind of an uneasy time, since my dad wanted us to come over to his house. I’m not really comfortable being there, mostly because he kept me locked up in his basement until I was 30 years old, but it is the season to be giving. I got a new tie, a bowling ball, and an outdoor thermostat. Overall, Christmas Eve was a fun night that culminated with me secretly burying my older half-brother alive in the backyard.

It sucks not working, but it is good to be HO-HO-HOME. (LOL)

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[12 Mar 2004| 5:45pm]

Hey all! It's been three months since my last update. I'm sorry, but I've been really busy. I finally got a job as an associate sales manager at Walgreen's. While not as prestigious as my other job, it's still pretty fun and at least brings in some money. Speaking of money, I'm actually up for a promotion (so soon, I know!!) for the senior sales manager position. I'm in competition with another employee. He's a nice guy, but I think I have it in the bag. The decision comes out next week! I'll be sure to let you know.

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[15 Mar 2004| 5:50pm]

Hi guys. I suppose you want to know if I got the promotion. WELL, I DID NOT. It looked as if I was about to get it, but the other employee who was up for the job busted into the room and started screaming "YOU'RE A MURDERER, KANE STEINBERG. YOU KILLED KATIE THE CASHIER."

I mean, even though I swore that I didn't (I did), the promotion was suddenly not mine. It's amazing how low people will stoop for money. I still haven't told Alice yet. It won't be a pretty sight when I do.

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[16 Mar 2004| 5:47pm]

Alice was pretty upset with me about not getting that promotion. She's really mad at me, in fact. I don't know what to do. Maybe you guys could leave me advice in the comments section. It would really help me a lot. Because if you don't, I'll get angry. AND WHEN I GET ANGRY, PEOPLE GET HURT.

(LOL) Just Kidding

*sigh*

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[17 Mar 2004| 7:45am]

I'm just signing on to vent my grief and frustration. Last night, my father suffered fatal internal injuries. The autopsy hasn't comeback yet, but the doctors are estimating that it has something to do with my half-brother coming back to life, trapping my father in a glass case, and consequentially filling the case with quick-drying cement.

I'm telling you guys, don't take anything for granted.

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[20 Mar 2004| 9:43pm]

Despite the fact that Alice is really torked at me right now, she's being grateful enough to let me at least take the kids out to eat. Unfortunately, Chandler isn't very keen on being seen with me in public. It's a teenage thing, I guess. When he saw me in my plaid sweatervest, he called me a freak. I tried convincing him that freaks are cool, but he somehow got even more embarrassed. Oh, well. Boys will be boys.

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[22 Mar 2004| 6:58pm]

There's a customer service representative at Walgreen's that I think has taken a liking to me. She keeps on giving me these quizzicle looks, like she's scared that I think she'll find out that I know she likes me. Women are so funny sometimes. Maybe I'll be a nice guy and take her out to dinner. I think that should go over well.

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[25 Mar 2004| 11:20pm]

Looks like I'm in a pickle again. It turns out that this girl already had a boyfriend. She then refused to go out to lunch with me. Yadda yadda yadda, she's pregnant with my child. I hope Alice doesn't find out.

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[25 Mar 2004| 11:21pm]

Well, this whole pregnancy thing has apparently caused Alice to file for divorce. Apparently discussing something personal (like, being pregnant or something) in a public venue (like, on TV for example) will make everyone find out about it. I had no idea. So it looks like she also wants full custody of the kids. I may not win Father of the Year, but I'll be darned if I can't see the seeds of darkness that will continue my reign of terror for years to come which means that my destruction will live on forever.

Tell me, am I asking too much?

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[11 Apr 2004| 5:30pm]

So yeah, things aren't looking good. Alice now has full custody of Jon and Chandler. Oh well. I guess I still have my job. *Sigh*

I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like typing much. 

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[20 Apr 2004| 9:04am]

So much for my job. Yesterday we had a big party to celebrate my boss’s birthday. People got a little tipsy, and well, so did you-know-who. (LOL) So anyway, it turns out that I started messing around with Katherine, one of the store’s managers. My boss walked in on us and started screaming at me about how she was passed out. I tried to explain to my boss that I seriously thought she was dead, but he then started to call the cops. I realized that it would be wise for me to leave so my boss can cool off. When I was just about to leave, my boss told me that I was fired. As if my life couldn’t get any worse.

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[21 Apr 2004| 10:00am]

This might be the last post I make in a while. I’m actually at the Hellfire & Brimstone County jail right now.

When I woke up, I looked outside the window to see an entire SWAT team outside, along with some other people with torches and pitchforks. Before I knew it, I was arrested. I don’t even remember what I’m being charged for. This police officer read this giant list for like 30 minutes.

So when I got to the station, they told me that I get one phone call. I thought about it, but then asked the detective if I could just update my LiveJournal instead. He said no. (LOL kidding, obviously he said yes)

So I guess this might be my last LiveJournal post for a while. I’ll see you guys later. Just so you know, it’s been fun writing about my life in a forum for the world to read. Thanks for reading, everyone.

I hope my cellmate isn’t gay. That would be weird.

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