Justin was born to a poor unwed mother during a time in which the retro-culture factory was churning out a record amount of future nostalgia. Shortly after being brought home from the free clinic, Justin was placed in a cardboard box lined with packing peanuts and bubble wrap before being stored in the attic for safe keeping throughout his tumultuous post-natal years.

It was during this time spent confined to the attic with nothing more than his grandfather’s old Admiral black and white, a slide-reel with a collection of the most popular “talkies” of the fifties, and a hauntingly creepy marionette puppet named “Alfonze” to keep him entertained that Justin began to embrace his love for the written word. Troubles would arise shortly thereafter, as exposure to nothing more recent than the 1956 classic “Oaklahoma!” and writing materials not exceeding the coarse asbestos adorning the walls and his own fingernails severely hampered his ability to transcribe his inner-most thoughts and opinions. Justin refused to give up and although his earlier writing would be considered simplistic in nature due to not having had any formal training in the art of the scribe, he persevered knowing in his heart that he would one day be destined to lead a team of internet superstars as they bridged the cultural gap using nothing more than their own cunning wit and a seemingly endless supply of “more like” jokes.

By the time Justin had reached sixteen years he had grown weary of his imprisonment. Days had passed since someone had slid his daily ration of thinly sliced Virginia baked ham under the slim opening beneath the attic door which had provided him with his sole source of lighting ever since his mother painted over the outside of the windows after an unfortunate incident involving the neighborhood kids and their crude adaptation of your American baseball. Also, the garden hose which had occasionally been sprayed through the holes in the leaky roof providing Justin with a semi-consistent source of water with which to bathe had ceased to be, days – maybe weeks prior.

It was with a heavy heart that Justin kicked through the dilapidated attic door in no more than three fell swoops. After discovering his mother’s lifeless corpse slumped over the radiator in the living room, Justin decided to venture out into the real world as he attempted his first of many afternoon constitutionals. It was during one of the aforementioned constitutionals when Justin was first exposed to the internet through means of the Henderson family computer (having not been trained in the ways of etiquette, Justin had no way of knowing that breaking and entering was considered a misdemeanor in forty-seven of the forty-eight continental United States).

At first appalled by the sheer volume of pornography and sited dedicated to shitty Japanese car-modification, Justin soon found his niche as a game reviewer for the ever virtuous NBrid.net. Following his stint with the failed www.noncentric.com, Justin was duly propositioned by a wealthy benefactor named Jonathan Bois to write for his upstart internet website and American steel conglomerate progressiveboink.com. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be, as Justin’s PC was quickly dispatched by a swift blow from a hammer and until recently, all hopes of him ever writing again were all but dashed.

Fortunately for Justin, through means of our country’s FREE-TRADE ECONOMY, he was able to exchange Alfonze for a bonafide desktop computing device. You can currently catch Justin on the Progressiveboink main page every so often, as his plan for universal adoration is brought one step closer to fruition.

Oh, and be sure to check out Justin’s other online bio here (pssst... he’s the cute blonde-haired boy).

AIM: Keasbey Mornings
all.star.me@gmail.com

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