Indiana Jones and the

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Crack that whip, plz
Written by Nick on January 11th- 2005

I can't stress enough how important role models are towards developing a young mind, and how awesome porn is. Since my “Watching Other People Have Sex is Fun” article got shot down by management I guess I'll focus on the former. Growing up I had few idols that weren't professional athletes or musicians. Actually I only had one: Indiana Jones. I don't have any cute tales about me dressing up in tan khakis with whip in hand crawling under my couch whereupon I inhaled a dust bunny and sneezed to public applause, but I can say that I watched the trilogy a few times.

Also, if you're looking for any sort of correlation between that last paragraph and the rest of the article you're out of luck. All I can say is that just because I may make fun of the movie or light of certain situations shouldn't take away from the immense amount of crap I like the movie blah blah blah. Here's an article about the first Indiana Jones movie “Raiders of the Lost Ark ”, plz:

ENTER INDIANA JONES

Scene: Dark, dank, cave that seems uninhabitable. One of two guides remains with Indiana , as the other tried to shoot him and ran away upon failure. What did he plan to do anyway, take his wallet? He led him to this place and tried to kill him outside of the entrance. If he was planning on taking the artifact inside the cave he could've just gone by himself someday. Maybe Indiana snored all through the previous night or something on the same level of stupidity that the only means of self-correction is to kill the guilty party. Don't e-mail with an explanation for this because I was joking.

Looks like we're just in time to see Indy in action.

Indiana: “(rubs chin)”

Artifact: “8-0”

Indiana: “(grimaces in concentration)”

Artifact: “8-0”

Indiana: “(estimates weight of dummy bag by bouncing it a few times)”

Artifact: “8-0”

Indiana: “(removes sand from dummy bag)”

Artifact: “8-/”

Indiana: “(steals artifact, places bag of sand in place, trips booby trap)”

Artifact: “XD”

Now Indiana and his guide are faced with a deadly barrage of slowly closing doors. The guide swings across a gap on Indy's whip, asks for the artifact, gets it, and then denies Indy the whip to get across.

What an asshole. I'm calling asshole on that one. What a dick.

Indy jumps the gap with no other option other than dying of starvation in an 8'x12' stone room. He manages to wiggle under the lowering door and turns to run in pursuit.

I guess you could say that he got a bunch of spikes thrust through his body! And that it probably wasn't intentional! I sure hope that never happens to me!

Scene: = = =O -- -- --x

Scene: This nazi douche bag takes the artifact from Indy because Nazi's really don't do much besides rob and kill, as any popular film should express. Indiana is chased and he gets away on an airplane.

w00t

Scene: Turns out that Indiana is a professor and teaches classes to students. Let's lean in for a listen:

Indiana: “(wrapping up drawing on the chalkboard) …and that is how you find artifacts. Any questions?”

Student 1: “Uh, when you said that when a gigantic boulder begins to chase you towards the exit what did you say to do when a dart hit you in the neck?”

Indiana: “Feed off the adrenaline. You'll probably be able to pick up an extra 2 mph on your sprint with a needle in your jugger. (pointing to the back of the classroom)Yes, in the back, did you have a question?”

Student 2: “What's a jugger?”

Indiana: “I was in the middle of saying ‘jugular' and some of my spit went down the wrong tube so I choked a little bit. I meant to say ‘jugular'.”

Student 2: “I don't think you did. You didn't sound like you were choking and you didn't cough afterwards or anything.”

Indiana: “(cracks whip. rips student's face off)”

Scene: Word's out that the Nazis are trying to capture the ark in which the Ten Commandments had once been stored in. They call upon Indiana to get it first, who in turn accepts the proposal. You try to think of something funny to say here. The best I can come up with is “Nazis are gay homosexual minorities” but I'm saving that for my “Watching Other People Have Sex is Fun” post.

Scene: Indiana Jones is being followed by a bastard on his way to pick up the headpiece of the staff. Indy is none the wiser throughout the entire trip because the bastard never ceases to cover his face with an issue of LIFE magazine.

Scene: Indy goes to pick up the headpiece but the lady who he needs to get it from is a bitch to him. She gets roughed up by some Nazis who followed Indy in but he kicks their asses and the two good guys leave.

Nazi 1: “There were like seven of us, how did he get away?”

Nazi 2: “Well he hit Ted over the head with a whiskey bottle, and you know how long my delivery is when swinging a knife. I really should get my shoulder checked out…”

Nazi 1: “This is pathetic. Hitler's never going to believe this.”

Ted: “Uggghhhh wha happen'?”

Nazi 1 & 2: “Indiana Jones hit you over the head with a whiskey bottle.”

Ted: “Was I really all to this plan? You couldn't take him out without me?”

Nazi 1: “Well you were the one who was supposed take his whip and attempt to use it, which would have probably ended up blinding several of our men. After you got taken out we all just sort of panicked. Call it Nazi instinct, I guess.”

Ted: “You had a gun!”

Nazi 1: “(pats hips with hands, lifts up shirt revealing a loaded gun holster) Son of a bitch, you guys, I had a gun this whole time! Huh, imagine that.”

HAIL!

Yes, hail.

Ree roh!

God, the monkey too? Yes, yes. Hail.

Scene: Indiana and Lady walk through some market for god knows what reason. All I know is that they let this Nazi monkey tag along because they think he is a freedom monkey. He in turns screws them over by telling the Nazis where they are.

Indiana: “It should be located about 8,000 paces directly south of the palace. If we start now we'll probably make it by morning.”

Lady: “Are you actually going to count 8,000 steps? How do you even know that a pace on the map is the same as one of yours?”

Indiana: “First off I didn't use a map I had a fucking miniature version of the city and the beam pointed you dumb bitch. Secondly I'm estimating.”

Lady: “If you're so fucking smart why are you counting in paces? Why don't you estimate in feet or meters you dumbass?”

Indiana: “Because you're a dumb bitch. Let's go.”

Scene: Trouble!

Scene: Man with knife chases woman with frying pan.

Scene: Woman enters secluded nook.

Scene: Man follows woman into cranny.

Scene: Clunk. Ugh.

Scene: Woman exits still wielding the frying pan. Stick to your roots, I guess.

Indy's partner has been kidnapped by the Nazis and is being held prisoner. This is probably because no Nazi has ever seen a woman without a penis. I blame the climate.

Scene: Maddox gives chase upon his dirtbike.

Scene: The poison that was meant to be consumed by Mr. Jones is now consumed by the monkey! Ha ha!

Since I've pretty much chopped this movie apart with the skill and precision of a wrecking ball I'll polish some edges. Both the staff and headpiece are in Jones' possession and he now has to use them to find out where the ark is.

Scene: Jones has inserted the staff and headpiece into the designated location and we now wait to find out where the beam is going to say where the ark is.

So it's off to another gigantic bidet in the desert.

Scene: Indiana Jones has dipped into the sacred grounds and extracts the ark only to have it stolen by the Nazis. Seriously, how did he expect to get that thing out of there?

Indiana: “Eyo”

Nazi: “Hail (hail)”

Indiana: “Laterz (hail/wheels ark onto boat)”

Nazi: “Talk ‘2' you later”

They throw him in a treat though. A woman who is pissed at him. Thanks.

Indiana: “So when we gonna do it?”

Lady: “Jesus you're an asshole. Let go of me and get us out of here.”

Indiana: “k”

So they got out and Indy fought some guys for being Nazis as any American would have proudly done. Good thing every Nazi in the movie has at least 4 Nazi buttons on their jacket or it'd be hard to figure that out.

Then the United States suffered citizen casualties at the hands of German submarines and decided to waste the living crap out of them and Indiana Jones got the ark and put it in his museum the end thanks for reading folks stay tuned for the second half of the 24 premiere followed by malcom in the middle and the flintstones go to atlantic city.

DON'T LOOK AT THE ARTICLE IT'S TOO HORRIBLE

Nick
ndall@vtech.edu
AIM: Water And Coffee