:: celebrity superfight main-event ::

The wind blew cold across the vast emptiness that is the mountainous territory of Alaska. It would be hard to maintain human life, much less strive, in such a hostile environment. If someone was to set their camp upon the highest peak of the tallest mountain on the most frigid day, they would see...uh...well...they, uh, they probably wouldn't see anything. Actually, they'd probably freeze to death before they could unhook the binoculars.

The bear made the first mistake. It was a simple igloo in the outreaches of the endless wasteland. One could see the smoke emanating from the hole in the top, and smell the simmering fish. Whomever had taken up residence in the small hut was enjoying the spoils of a job well done. Ice fishing is difficult, especially in a tight velvet shirt and leather pants....

And, in nature, who truly survives? Is it the massive tower of fur and fury known as the Polar Bear, or is it the little chick with the jagged tooth and the really nice chest? Is it animalistic instinct, or is it a nice pair of shoes? Is it a mighty roar to the moon at night, or is it the dainty whine over a pinking guitar? Is it beast, or human? Hmmm...let me rephrase that. Is it beast, or woman? No...is it beast, or attractive woman? That's not it...is it beast, or really attractive woman? Nope...er....is it beast, or really attractive rich sexy woman? Okay, last shot....is it beast, or really really attractive rich sexy woman who wears shirts that would hinder the respiratory system of a sane human being?

	vs.
JEWEL		A POLAR BEAR

She doesn't look too awfully formidable. She was born on an 800-acre farm in Homer, Alaska. She's short. She's female.

He looks pretty awfully formidable. He was probably born on a big block of ice somewhere cold. He's big. He's male.

This is a pretty difficult category to judge. Jewel Kilcher has, of course, lived in the cold weather before. She obviously built her aforementioned igloo and has possibly fashioned several tools and weapons necessary for survival in a hostile wilderness. However, the polar bear is a polar bear. He has lived in the region for all of his life (I'm guessing) and knows the terrain. Every nook and cranny has been covered. And what better nooks and crannies than those on Jewel?

This seems like a pretty easy category. Of course, the polar bear is huge. The polar bear weighs upwards of seven hundred pounds. The polar bear has razor-sharp claws and teeth that could puncture the skull of any living creature. Sure! These facts have all been gathered, surveyed, taken into account, seen, thought of, counted, associated, and delved through, but you know what? They don't really matter at all in the long run. We've overlooked something crucial to the viciousness of the polar bear's opponent.....

She's a woman! Look at her! Yeah, she looks innocent enough. But stare into those eyes...it's enough to make the world's toughest man stick his head between his legs and run away crying and yelling profane expletives. Women are the most devious, underhanded, vicious creatures on the face of the Earth.

(a) Polar bears are big dumb creatures without enough brain power to avoid soiling themselves.
(b) Jewel is a woman.

Uh...wait a minute...did I type that out loud? Now now now now now I don't want anyone to think that I I I I uh, er, I don't think that women are uh, duh they um, they..........

Okay, okay, okay. Don't get me wrong. Of course Jewel has musical talent. Yes, Jewel has a pretty voice. Sure, I'd love to do very, very bad things in her presence. But....and this is a big but....

I swear to GOD that if I have to hear her yodel that chorus to "Who Will Save Your Soul" one more time I am going to personally drag her out into the parking lot and beat her mercilessly with a curtain rod. I mean that in a good way, though.

I can't honestly give this category to Jewel. I want to, but I look into the dark onyx eyes of the arctic deviant and my head begins to (reject testosterone and) function properly. If I ignored the fact that Jewel was an incredible specimen of a human being of the female persuasion with lots of talent and lots of intelligence and a quick wit and a ni...a nice chest....and you know...wow, Jewel really does have a nice chest, doesn't she? I mean, come ON! Honestly, I didn't think that God grew women like that. Wowee. You know, if Jewel lived in Lynchburg Virginia and was available and was a few years younger and wasn't caught up in the whole celebrity thing and was braindead and had a really weird taste in men and wanted to desperately go out on a date with someone and was intoxicated and was drugged beyond recognition.....I bet she'd go out with me! Wow, wouldn't that be great! Jewel. My own personal yodeling superbabe. Mmmmmm......

What? You think I'm going to let an animal beat a beautiful woman? Puh-leeze! You haven't been reading closely, have you kimosabe? I don't think that I need to justify this with any response.

In the hostile wasteland of Alaska, the battle rages. Jewel gets in a few good shots with her "tribal" fighting style, but they don't phase the big man. The bear proceeds to do very, very, bear-y things to Jewel. It isn't a pretty sight. The "everyday angel" gets pretty roughed up...but, just when you've counted her out....THAT'S when Jewel strikes. To quote a famous philosopher, "Ka-BOOOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!" Down crashes a guitar on the skull of the polar bear, and that really nice looking girl with the impressive endowment stands victorious.

For my next song...NO, FOR THE LAST TIME I DON'T KNOW FREEBIRD!
THE WINNER
AND RULER OF ALASKA
JEWEL
IN APPROX. 2 1/2 HOURS

Who will, saaaaaaaaaaave your soul.....aaaaah.....
make the pain stop....