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Great Inventions of Our Time!
Expect Furby Jokes
Written by Nick on January 20th - 2004

(Sunday, January 18th 2004)

(Nick enters, wearing humorously large finger constructed from foam, reading "BASEBALL OFFSEASON")

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(removes foam finger)

Ah, this is much easier. What up, playa? As you may be aware, it's football season, and since baseball players tend to catch colds in sub-freezing temperatures I have nothing else to watch. Lucky for me The New England Patriots kick ass this year. Peyton Manning is the antichrist. Well, since football players are pansies I have nothing to do until the Super Bowl. Guess I'll write a pointless article about

Great Inventions of Our Time!

Figured I'd throw in a one liner for all you skimmers out there. At least now you know what the captions are supposed to pertain to. I suggest you scroll down and try to see all the pictures in my article as fast as you can, and then challenge your friend to try and beat your time. Of course, if you're reading this, than you're probably either friendless or my mom, in either case I'm going to pretend I don't know you when you approach me about this article. Oh yeah, can I sleep over Jeff's on Friday? OMG I HATE YOU (slams door, plays Papa Roach).

Parents just don't understand, lol.

Curly Shoelaces

zoom zoom

The biggest discomfort/problem I have in my life is tying my shoelaces. What a pain in the ass, am I right? I mean, if you add up all the time a person spends in their life tying their shoes, including the time it takes to learn how to do it, you'd be surprised to see that it adds up to a couple seconds. Think of what you could be doing with your time! Someone told me that Einstein worked in a box factory or something before he became a scientist, and he made boxes there. You could become a scientist in that amount of time!

If not for the sake of science, do it for the style. Think of how fucking cool these things are. Getting ready for a big meeting? Just pull these sharp BLACK curly shoelaces around your Italian loafers and you're ready to go. Gonna go shoot some punk ass bitch? Roll up in these ORANGE AND YELLOW STRIPED curlies and drop some shells.

The Birthday Card

I FORGET YOUR NAME :-/

There are people in our lives that we care for with all of our hearts, and what better way to celebrate this person's life than with someone else's feelings? I mean, rather than just writing a note to a person saying how much you appreciate their company you can spend three to five dollars and just write "Love, Julie xoxo" at the bottom.

Talk about convenience! The person receiving the card is probably more satisfied with your willingness to spend money on them over a few minutes of thoughtful reflection anyway. For those of you who haven't taken advantage of this technological advancement, my remorse. I sure would hate to be on the receiving end of your lyrical poems or clever recollections of past experiences together, seeing that since it didn't cost you any money it can't be any good.

Coca-Cola

THE COOLEST CELL PHONE EVER!

Needless to say, Coca-Cola is a fantastic beverage, but that's not all it has going for it. I mean, look at the line of stars to endorse the product. If a celebrity likes it, I'm sure I'll like it too, so I trust Coca Cola. I've never actually had one before, but I tell everyone I like it. I guess you could call me a cola poser, but my name is Nick.

Delux_247, of course, is the coolest person ever to live. You may recognize him from the very popular Coca-Cola commercial that plays before many of today's movies. I can only pray that I someday turn out to be half as cool as this young man, maybe even hitting my big time break, scoring a commercial with Coke! Or maybe I could just become a huge superstar, crash to the ground, and sell out for all I'm worth.

IT'S DELUX, SON! DELUX! IT'S NOT THAT HARD! lol

AIM (AOL (America Online) Instant Messenger)

As a youth I found myself in a huge social-dilemma; I seemed to do just fine when it came to being compatible with people, but I hated telephones, which I still do today. Countless times a 5th grade version of myself would receive a phone call from a girl:

Girl: "Hey, Nick, What's up?"
Nick: "Uh, nothing…"
Girl: "You looked SUPER cute today in that shirt today!"
Nick: "What?"
Girl: "You know, the one that says 'Ducks of Hazzard', with all the ducks on it."
Nick: "I don't like telephones. Good-bye."

It's pretty hard to get a date for the big snowflake dance when you're too big of a nerd to use a telephone, especially since my elementary school didn't allow girls to talk. So this left me with very few options, UNTIL MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED:

I CAN NOT WAIT TO SIGN ON

Now the socially anxious me could communicate with his fellow man comfortably. Not only could they not see me, but they also couldn't hear my voice. If it weren't for the choice of font I don't think it could get any less personal.

Another great thing about AIM is the ability to create a personal profile, which is viewable by all other AIM users. You can insert information about yourself, or you could abuse this space to insert song lyrics or the initials of all your friends. Also viewable in this area is the Away Message, which is a tag someone can put up if they have left the computer.

AIM Dictionary:

afk - away from keyboard
brb - be right back
lol - laugh out loud
lmao - French for "The Mayo"
sn - tin/screen name
rofl - raspberry waffle
zzzz - I am sleeping, therefore I cannot respond to your AIM messages.

Any conversation outside of these terms is pretty much a waste of time, seeing as it would probably require a basic understanding of the English language.

Those tins with three different types of popcorn in them

Not to be confused with Ashton Kutcher

QUITE possibly the greatest gift of all time, because it requires absolutely no thought and you can give it year after year. I mean, it's like buying someone a DVD with clips from three movies on it; they're bound to like one of them, and even if they don't your intentions are still good. Again, QUITE the gift.

That being said, I love getting these things. They're usually found containing buttered, cheese, and caramel popcorn. Just when I think I've found my favorite of the three, BAM THERE'S CARAMEL. If I ever get in an accident and you feel like buying me something instead of visiting me, either go with the birthday card or a big tub of this crap. I'll probably say thank-you, which rounds off to about 16,000 rubles.

3 golds:
The Freestyle, The Backstroke, and THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT

I don't know if it's going to be a chick flick or the worst drama ever (difference?). Lucky for Mr. Kutcher, this is not an article on the crappy aspects of my life; this is a post on Great Inventions of Our Time! And he is not an invention! He's a breakfast cereal.

Frosted Flakes

With Darth Vader/Justin Timberlake figurine

I'm a man who can appreciate a fine cereal, especially after I just busted my ass sleeping for thirteen hours. It has the structure and form of Special K with a sugary coating of frosting, and when mixed with milk you have a breakfast fit for a heroin junky.

Perhaps what is most appealing to me about Frosted Flakes is its cartoon mascot who doesn't annoy the hell out of me. Think about how annoying other cereal characters are. There's Sonny, the bird with crippling Hyperactivity Disorder, who endorses Cocoa Puffs, who is perhaps the worst thing to happen to me. It makes me appreciate Tony the Tiger all the more, seeing as his roid rage is held to a minimum. Give the guy some credit. C'mon [/quinn]

My body isn't capable of handling Frosted Flakes because I'm allergic to bread. I just like to scrape the frosting off the outside, collect a nice pile, and eat that. When I'm not patient enough to do that I usually have to resort to water flakes, which is just a plastic bag full of water with sugar and food coloring mixed in. The only satisfaction I find is the salty taste of my own tears.

Well, "Bring it On AGAIN" is on, so I'm going to go catch that. Hope you guys enjoy the rest of your day, and you better be rooting for the Pats in 2 weeks.

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee