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Cartoon
The Flintstones

Animal
Nephilim

Outfit: Presleyesque jumpsuit / rubber gloves and boots / motorcycle helmet

Tagline: "Dum-dumbs!"

Plot summary: The Holy Bible, in the "Book of Jeremiah," describes Satan's M. Bison-like fall from Heaven like lightning.  In this description it says that the skies turned black, birds fled from the sky, and "there were no people in the cities."  But according to Judeo-Christian myth, Satan fell before God made Adam, the generally accepted "first man."  So who were these people?  Who built these cities? 

The Flintstones seeks to explain more than just how you can open cans by shoving a bird's face into them...it seeks to explain how we were created, how we evolved, and who was there to help us along the way.  Biblical scholars use pin the tail on the donkey mentality to pick out letters from the Bible and rearrange them Scrabble-style to find phrases like HITLER WAS BAD and DON'T TAKE DRUG in the Book of Genesis, but they are stupid shits and should watch more TV.  The Flintstones chronicles the lives of ancient man; their quest for food, the search for knowledge, and physics problems involving cars and large portions of meat.

After a few seasons the creative staff delved deeply into the idea that prehistoric Earth man wasn't the first highly developed intelligent lifeform in the universe.  Gazoo was exiled from his home planet of Zetox for creating a device that could destroy the entire universe (later the Fantastic Four would use the device to scare Galactus away).  As punishment, he was stranded on our fledgling planet and made to serve whoever found him.  The men who found him happened to be Fred and Barney, who, despite knowing nothing more complex than rock stacking and bowling, instantly gained Q-like powers of omnipotence, time travel, and teleportation.   Theoretically this helped Barney cope with his impotence and gave Fred a really effective avenue for creatively beating his wife.

God put the power of a universe destroyer in the hands of a man who gets sent into a homicidal range when he can't get the cat to stop jumping back inside through the window.  And Barney can't even keep his God damned hands off another man's cereal.  Nobody can blame The Lord for bodyslamming the devil down to Earth and wiping everybody out. (more)

User Comments: Despite being all-powerful Gazoo dresses like Evel Knievel, but it's not that big of a deal because only Fred, Barney, children, and animals can see him.   When was the last time you let a child influence your wardrobe?  When I was ten I had a blue sweatshirt that said "PEPSI" across the front in embossed letters.  Children are morons.  And are you going to lose any sleep if this guy tells you you dress funny?

Fred and Barney dress considerably more poorly than that dapper dog and are usually seen gallivanting around in animal print moo-moos, Fred going for the sophisticated tie and Barney opting for the more metrosexual lace-up look.  So honestly nobody can really tell the Great Gazoo that his costume makes him look like the Jolly Green Giant's fetus.

As long as Todd Oldham doesn't give in to his berserker rage.

User Rating: 6.8/10 (33,403 votes)