Super Holiday Showdown Battle
A small religious war between friends.
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on December 23, 2002

Going to war over religion is somewhere on the Top 10 most retarded things humankind has ever done. This, of course, is exactly why my dirty Jew of a friend Smokey & I decided that doing just that would be a great idea for a joint project, just in time for the holidays!

Normally I don't bother with disclaimers, because anyone stupid enough to take anything I say on this website too seriously probably just needs a hug. But before Smokey & I go to war for our respective faiths, reread the first sentence of this post over & over again to yourself. I actually meant that part, ok? Don't let my blue eyes & blonde hair fool you... I don't really hate Jewish people. Smokey & I are just making fun of both ourselves & each other. With that in mind, let's get started.

Here's how this is going to work. Smokey, being Jewish, is going to list 5 reasons why Chanukah is awesome, & 5 reasons why Christmas sucks. I, being Catholic, am going to do the opposite. Yes, that's right. I'm all about a religion that revolves around food & has a central figure whose life parallels Superman's.

Besides, with a name like Fireball, you'd expect me to be an expert on Christmas, would you not?

MIKE'S TOP 5 REASONS WHY
CHANUKAH IS KIND OF MEH

5. Nobody can agree on how to spell it.

The only reason I'm sticking with CHANUKAH is because that's the spelling that Adam Sandler uses in his stupid songs. And since he seems to be an expert on who is & isn't Jewish, I consider him a reliable source. Smokey, on the other hand, spells it HANUKKAH. Makes sense... the C is silent. Well, actually, not really. The C is there because you're supposed to make a hocking sound with your throat, like you've got a hairball down there, right? And there are about 3 other ways I've seen it spelled. One K... two N's... drop off that H at the end. I've heard of things losing stuff in translation from Hebrew to English, but this is one stupid word. Pick a spelling & start lighting the frigging candles.

On a related subject, some of my friends who were trying to help me come up with reasons why Chanukah is not awesome suggested that I say something about how candle wax is really hard to clean up & that menorahs are a serious fire hazard. But as a person who makes good use of Christmas lights & Advent candles, I can't really argue that effectively. But I do have one question...

YOU CALL THAT A PARTY HAT?!

4. No superhero-like central figures.

Christmas, on the other hand, has several! But first, let's look at the actual story of Chanukah... it's about the Maccabees, a group of Hebrew rebels who stood up to their Greek oppressors, who were trying to force their polytheistic religion onto the enslaved Hebrews. A fun story of standing up for what you believe in, but besides getting oil to last 7 days longer than it normally does, the Maccabees had absolutely no super powers.

The stories of Christmas revolve completely around characters with super powers. I already mentioned how Jesus' life parallels Superman's. Think about it. Both came from beyond the planet & were raised by a foster parent. Both were destined to save the world. Both died in the process & were raised from the dead in a glorified form. Both had X-ray vision. The similarities between the Man of Steel & the Son of Man are uncanny.

Then, of course, there's the other big Christmas icon, Santa Claus, who is actually more like a wizard than a super hero, but I count wizardry in with super powers. A fat guy with a flying sled pulled by flying reindeer, one with a glow in the dark nose. He can travel at blazing speeds, teleport down skinny chimneys, has a bottomless magic bag of toys & other fun stuff. And he still has time to eat your cookies!

3. Food restrictions.

Jewish tradition calls for everything they eat, especially on holidays like Chanukah, to be cooked a certain way... kosher, if you will. Some foods, like certain meats, aren't even allowed. This is true for some Catholic seasons, like Lent... but Lent's not really a holiday of celebration. It's preparing for a holiday of celebration. Once Easter comes, you can eat whatever you want.

I like food, & a holiday on which I have to be told what I can & cannot eat does not sit well with me or my stomach. And another thing... there is absolutely no reason for pancakes to be potato flavored! There is no important religious story behind latkes. Motzoh is important because the Hebrews had to make their bread in haste & had no time to rise it & stuff. Latkes have no such excuse. Pancakes & hash browns are two separate things, friends. Respect the laws of nature.

2. Dreidels make crappy gifts.

Yeah, Jewish kids get 8 crazy nights of presents, but aren't they often stuff like dreidels & chocolate money? Chocolate money is awesome, but getting a dreidel as a present has got to be a total let down. I never got a pair of dice for Christmas... although my aunt gave me a calculator keychain that she found at the dollar store. So if anything, I feel for you poor Jewish kids who have to deal with getting dreidels are presents, when I'm guilty of getting a Super Nintendo one year on just one crazy morning.

But wait! I have an idea to make playing dreidel fun... make it a drinking game! Just change the rules up a bit... you'll need an pitcher filled only a little bit to start. Or make up your own rules using similar guidelines.

1. If the dreidel lands on the "do nothing" side, take a drink.
2. If it lands on the "take half" side, make somebody else drink.
3. If it lands on the "put in one" side, pour as much as you want into the pitcher.
4. If it lands on the "take all" side, you have to chug the entire pitcher.

AND THE #1 REASON WHY CHANUKAH IS KIND OF MEH...
Serious lack of holiday specials.

I don't know a lot about Chanukah, & you know why? Because I can count the number of Chanukah specials that I know exist on one hand. The Rugrats had a good one, & Mark Weiner had a bad one. I'm sure there were a few others that I don't remember, but that's only because they probably weren't that great. With the countless number of Christmas specials, you'd think that Hollywood, being run by Jews & all, would have a lot more Chanukah specials than it does. Make up some characters... we've been doing that for years! A reindeer with a glow in the dark nose, for crying out loud! Use your brain power, my Hebrew brethren! You can do it! I believe in you!

MIKE'S TOP 5 REASONS WHY
CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME

5. It's a birthday party.

Christmas exists because it's Jesus' birthday. I don't care if it's off by 6 months or whatever. The calendar has changed so many times between the time Jesus was born & now, that the only reason you should care about a precise date & time is if you're getting paid to care. So for the sake of tradition, which is a big part of Christmas, we're keeping it at December 25th, & you're going to like it. Hooray, I'm one step closer to starting my own inquisition!

Birthday parties are almost always fun. When I was a kid, I went to a lot of birthday parties at skating rinks, batting cages, & arcades that serve pizza. And I don't see why Christmas should be any different. In fact, Christmas is better than the average birthday party, because since the birthday boy isn't around to open presents, they've been dispersed to everybody he's invited to his party! On one hand, it's pretty nice of him, but when you think about it, there's only so much that a dude who can turn himself into food really needs or wants.

4. The Chipmunks exist because of it.

In the early days of rock & roll, covering Christmas carols & writing new ones were making a comeback of sorts. So David Seville hopped on the bandwagon with THE CHIPMUNK SONG, an experiment of his involving recording his own voice at different speeds & dubbing them into one song. Thus, Alvin & the Chipmunks were born. And all because of Christmas.

In fact, quite a few cartoon characters have Christmas to thank for being where they are today. Yogi Bear has a job because of it. Ever see a special entitled YOGI'S FIRST CHRISTMAS? Yogi & Boo Boo somehow land a job at the Jellystone Ski Lodge resort. I forget how, but throughout the special, Yogi manages to climb up the hotel's corporate ladder. Keep in mind that he's a frigging bear.

3. Bright lights & shiny objects.

Christmas gives you an excuse to decorate your house from floor to ceiling with bright lights & shiny objects. If you're into tacky displays of lights & themed decorations, this really is the most wonderful time of the year for you. I'm the kind of guy that likes setting up action figures & posters of stuff I like all around my room, so the addition of Christmas lights & cutting out little Santa hats to put on the posters is right up my alley.

When I was really young, my parents would drive me around at night to look at all the decked out houses. There was always this one block a few towns away that got together & went completely & totally nuts. Basically you could walk through the yards around two houses onto a path they set up & look at about 30 different displays of moving doll type things of characters from Rudolph & Frosty to the Muppets in Santa hats.

2. Phoebe Cates needs a hug.

How can you not want to help a face like that feel better on a holiday that haunts her memory? I'm talking about Phoebe's character in GREMLINS, a movie that has everything you could possibly want in a movie... including a beautiful young girl in distress. And if you don't think that Phoebe Cates circa 1984 is nothing short of gorgeous, then you, my friend, suffer from the worst taste ever.

In Gremlins, which takes place during Christmastime, Phoebe's character recalls a ghastly tale of how she burns her dad's lifeless corpse to a crisp when she starts a fire in the fireplace. What's her dad's lifeless corpse doing stuck in a chimney? The guy dressed up in a Santa suit & tried to go down their chimney & surprise them, & got stuck & died on the trip down.

No wonder the poor girl hates the holidays. A cold, dark memory like that would make any girl extremely sensitive around this time of year. I know I'd want to console anybody who had to go through something like that & relive it in their mind while everybody else is in the best mood ever. Think of the suffering this poor girl has to deal with. Phoebe Cates needs a hug, & she needs it NOW.

AND THE #1 REASON WHY CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME...
Chinese food.

Every Christmas Eve, my family orders Chinese takeout. Why? Well, we just did it one year then & decided to do it the next year, & the tradition continued. That's one of the most important parts of Christmas, people. Starting traditions that bring your family & friends together. Tonight, my old high school buddies & I are going to spend the midnight hours walking 15 miles to a church. Why? I have no idea, but they've been doing it for years, & now they're inviting me. And who better to freeze my tail off with than my high school buddies?

Well... ok, yeah.

Now it's time to go to Smokey's website &
READ HIS REBUTTAL!

Merry whatever it is that you celebrate.