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GTA v.1
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Written by Nick on September 30th - 2003

Being a teenager can suck at times. Shooting people helps. Video games make it nice and legal. There is nothing wrong with a violent video game, unless it’s a crappy game, of course. Parents who complain about these games are completely ignorant of the fact that while enrolled in computer based competition their children are kept occupied, possibly keeping them from bicycle kicking their friends instead of Subzero. Fatality. Animality. Sodomality.

I was the kid without Sega Genesis, so I played with blasting caps and fertilizer. I hung out with a kid with an awesome PC, though, and he just happened to have a subscription to gaming magazines. Once a month he would get a demo disk containing a few new games, most of which consisted of Jimmy Carter chasing peanuts with legs. We also didn’t play most of the games.

Today’s games don’t impress me much. If I see another RPG with 50 cent and/or Vin Diesel I’m going to snap. I guess it’s better than an R. Kelly RPG. RAPING PEDOPHILIC GANGSTER, MORE LIKE.

Teens only


We faced many a latent summer day in front of his computer, especially after my foreign neighbor got arrested for being in possession of the diesel fuel and black gunpowder we stashed under his porch. Damn terrorizers. He probably would’ve flown that shit right into a high-rise building, too. Sick bastard. 90% of the games were played until the demo was completed when we would move on to something different, usually inhaling the paint thinner in my shed. It’s a tough habit to quit, kids, just say no. When you sniff shit you’re supporting terrorists, as we all know that the Taliban produces numerous supplements of inebriation.

One game was different, labeled Grand Theft Auto. The game lies in the title, basically. Steal cars by any means possible, explore the map to find guns and body armor to help fight off officers of law enforcement. There are pay phones located throughout the city where you can pick up missions to score some BIG CASH. SMOKE HASH.

The beauty of the game was being able to have fun without doing the missions, allowing endless possibilities, perhaps killing COMPLETELY innocent pedestrians. They DON’T EVEN SEE IT COMING.

The remainder of my summer was spent in program euphoria, running red lights and honking my horn at inappropriate times. Oh how I couldn’t wait to turn 16. The day I got my license I drove to a pay phone to receive my first mission. It was to wipe out those no good Yakuza polluting the corner in front of Dave’s Gun Shop. I stole an Astrovan and found an Uzi behind a nameless brick building. I pulled up, set my E-brake, and starting ripping shells. 7 dirty apes in all, 5 of which I wiped out right in front of the store. The other 2 jumped into a car and sped off. The chase was on. I was in hot pursuit of those rat-ass coke-pushing assholes when they darted into the woods. I followed them in, but it was a trap. 5 machine guns drilled the side of my car, igniting the gas tank. I was incinerated immediately. I woke up in front of the hospital with less cash, no car, and zero guns. I decided to go over my friend’s house and play GTA.

Get out of my dreams and into this chump's car


School arrived and my playtime was fractioned. I regret to this day not applying for my GED the first day of 7th grade. So many hours wasted in preparation for the SAT’s that will eventually place me in a respected college leading to a life of wine and honey. I hate honey.

(phone rings, Nick picks up)

Nick: “E-I-E”

Josh: “Hey, Nick, What’s up?”

Nick: “Fo shizzle”

Josh: “Uh, right. So you want to play some stickball with Me, Darren, Kenny, and Tumford?”

Nick: “No.”

Josh: “What’s with you man? You used to be cool.”

I brought a gun to school the next day, shot Josh, and stole his car.

I picked up a copy of The Boston Globe today to read on my train ride home. Skimming through Section B for articles of interest when I came across an article that interested me:

“Five are arrested in 1998 Lawrence drive-by slaying”

ooo

“SALEM – Wilfredo Santiago, 20, of Lawrence, pleaded not guilty in Salem Superior Court yesterday to one count of murder, and Johnny Sanchez, 29, also of Lawrence, pleaded not guilty to being an accessory before the fact for allegedly stealing the car used in the shooting. Both were held without bail pending on a hearing Thursday.”

The murder was also described as being “gang-related”. See, if these troubled youths had invested in a subscription to PC Gamer instead of a 9mm they could’ve had their little gang fun without getting in trouble. Either that or it would have packed a little experience under their belts in the fields of armed robbery and premeditated manslaughter allowing them to maneuver with both confidence and charisma, preventing later capture.

Video games are the future.

I am one to completely denounce most, if not all war. Dropping a bomb on a country is nothing to brag about, a baby could do it. Lead a successful covert mission in which a bomb is set to trigger upon the ignition of a world leader’s car and I shall applaud you not once, but much.

If two or more countries must engage in warfare it should at least rely on urban guerilla tactics. At least this way it possesses some day-to-day interest:

“Breaking News. In a clandestine effort to sabotage Air Force One the infamous ‘Monsieur Death’ of Arabia was captured by US street troops. Sources say the foreign vigilante stole a taxicab from his brother Nahashika at gunpoint in New York, drove through 12 red lights, 8 of which were in front of police officers who failed to react, and crashed through the capital’s gates. It wasn’t until 3 pedestrians were shot that police forces began to react. Mr. Death was shot 11 times before the arrest, due the body armor he received in a random alley. Witnesses say that it was frustrating having a taxi driver who couldn’t speak English. Ba-zing!”

Yeah, Grand Theft Auto was pretty realistic…

I learned a lot from GTA. I learned that being shot by a police officer won’t prevent my fleeing, or my inevitable attempts to steal a cruiser. I guess I didn’t learn that much, considering that’s all I learned. I need to stop lying.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the entire game was the accessibility of cheat codes. Never ever ever ever have cheat codes been used so often as with GTA. My God. The game was taken to a whole new level when you were now able to access all the weapons, including gun, big gun, gun with no bullets (pistol whip), and just a handful of bullets. Also available was “THE GOD CHEAT”, which enabled invincibility. This is the code you entered when you wanted to see how big a pile of police cruisers you could make in front of the station. The answer is a lot.

I should also mention that neither my friend nor me ever purchased the full version of Grand Theft Auto.

Maybe you should all download GTA v.1 on your computers right now using Kazaa. It’s free and you are then able to share this program with other users, for free. Such an amazing thing, this Internet, where one can access music and movie files for free at one’s will, with no repercussions. Long live piracy. And guns. And paint thinner. And Family Guy

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
 AIM: WaterAndCoffee

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