California Raisins: The Grape Escape
The NES Classic that never was.
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on October 15, 2003

At some point in the mid-1980s, somebody determined that America wasn't eating enough raisins. Something had to be done, so to make a long story short, they decided to make one of those TV commercials that walk the thin line between advertisements & public service announcements. You know, instead of advertising a specific brand name, they promote a more generic product, like milk or cotton, or in this case, raisins.

So, thanks to Will Vinton, the first name in claymation for at least the period between whenever Gumby/Davey & Goliath ended, & whenever Wallace & Gromit began, the California Raisins were born. And they played the crap out of those guys, too. Enough to warrant all sorts of California Raisins merchandise, rubber California Raisins figurines, a claymation Christmas special starring the California Raisins, a commercial for Mrs. Butter-Worth's starring the California Raisins, & of course, a video game.

How can you make a video game based on a bunch of clay raisins who star in commercials that persuade you to eat them? Well, in the glory days of the Nintendo Entertainment System, you really could make a video game about anything. All you really had to do was follow a simple side-scrolling, action/adventure, press the A-button to jump format. Oh yeah, & knowing computer programming & stuff would probably help, too.

California Raisins: The Grape Escape was the sort of game that you'd have but not really be sure why, but there it was. Everybody who owned an NES had their own "that game." One of my friends had Yo! Noid, another had the 7up Spot game, still another had a game... I swear to Jesus... about Puss In Boots, & I am guilty as charged of having actually purchased A Boy & His Blob with my own allowance.

The thing about the Grape Escape, however, is that it never hit stores. Ever. And not because somebody decided that making a game about the California Raisins might have been a dumb idea all along. No, they finished the whole thing, but Capcom... yes, Capcom... decided at the last minute, for whatever reason, not to sell it. Normally, we wouldn't think twice, if we even noticed at all. But this game was advertised in all the major video game magazines at the time. One such magazine even named the California Raisins their game of the month.

So why pull it? Frankly, I don't care to get into any of that crap, because a test copy of the game has recently been found & ripped into a ROM file by some John Q. Internet, & today, my friends, I will begin an in-depth look at the game that never was.

Alright, so here's the deal. I'm playing as some nameless talking raisin who's been summoned by these three important looking guys, collectively known as CALRAB. I'm guessing that stands for California Raisins Board... Board of what, I'm not really sure. Board of 18th Century Wigs, perhaps. Whatever they're the board of, they apparently hold the responsibility of getting someone... the aforementioned nameless talking raisin... to go find the California Raisins Band & all of their music, as if the fate of raisinkind depends on their continued existence. So basically, this is the same exact story as Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, only instead of a time traveling phone booth, everybody's a dried up grape.

I found them! They're right here in the middle of the stupid screen, crying for help. Man, that was pretty easy... [spit take] CRYING FOR HELP?! Oh no, it appears that the band is being held hostage by a rival band of other various singing & dancing fruits called the Wild Bunch! Never heard of them? No, me neither. For those of you playing along at home, this game is now a cross between Bill & Ted, & Airheads. And since it's a Capcom game, it plays exactly like Mega Man, right down to the option of choosing your own stage. Since I have no idea what order we should be going in, I'll just choose the Factory first, since that's the first thing to start blinking.

The Factory Level!

Alright, here I am in some sort sort of factory & HOLY CRAP there's a fat green grape dude coming right at me! Using my quick raisin intellect, I push the B-button just in time. Whew, that was a close one. And hey, it appears that my method of attack is to take out a straw & shoot spitballs of my own grapey innards at the enemy. The raisin body is, indeed, as powerful a weapon as they say.

After shooting around a lot for no reason, I made some stuff appear. This little music note thing must be the "music" that the Wild Bunch have stolen. Maybe it's kind of like an Mp3 file, & there's an entire Marvin Gaye cover contained in the power of this little note. And there's also a little sun thing, which adds sun power to my sun-o-meter down at the bottom. I don't know what that does yet. Maybe a special attack? Let me try hitting the oft-forgotten Select button.

Whoa! Holding down Select as you move makes the little dude moonwalk! This brings wicked awesome to a whole new level. It's probably good for attacking enemies that try to sneak up behind me, too. I love this game, & I've only been playing it for about 20 seconds.

Alright, so I'm down in the piping of this factory place, & it looks like the sun-o-meter keeps track of my health, because it went down one after I got hit by these here spear things & my little raisin dude said "OW!" That's the only indication that something hurts... "OW!" Though upon further gameplay, I've discovered that when you run into an evil green grape dude, both of you get hurt, & the green grape dude falls off the screen & dies. Interesting take on the old baddie touch of death concept.

Jelly vat, eh? I get it now. We're in a jelly factory. While this may not seem like a threatening place to hide out in, keep in mind that I'm controlling a raisin. Wandering around a dark jelly factory is probably giving him the creeps. Imagine wandering around a slaughterhouse or a Soylent Green factory or something. That's what this is like for our little raisin friend. So the least I can do is be brave & help him confront Fonzie the Grape over here & deftly hop across this river of raisin blood, to ultimately meet up with...

Bananas in Bandanas! You can't really tell by this picture, but this banana in a bandana is beating the crap out of my sultana. Well, you sort of can, because I'm saying "OW!" This boss knows all the same moves that my little raisin guy does, from spitting little banana bits at me, to moonwalking, to jumping when I try to shoot at it.

Eventually I beat the jerk, gave him the slip, if you'll excuse my bad joke, & then he coughed up a giant golden shiny music note. My little raisin dude was so excited, he started dancing around the room all by himself.

The Maize Maze!

Next on the golden music note secret hiding place checklist is the oh, so cleverly named Maize Maze. With a name like that, I was expecting to find myself navigating through a giant corn field, but instead I find myself in some kind of tropical jungle. But who am I to complain? I'm a raisin wearing sunglasses & Chucks & shooting my innards at bad guys, so if corn wants to grow on palm trees, let it grow on palm trees. I'll just shut up & climb some vines.

Crap. I missed a vine. I forgot to mention that my stupid little raisin doesn't always climb vines when I ask him to. I'm still trying to figure out whether I need to have him approach the vine from the right angle, or whether he needs to be in the right mood for climbing. Either way, it took me about 8 tries between the vines & the sinking rock things to get over this stupid water bed. And the BIRDS! Always trying to kill me! Why do video game birds always want to kill me?!

On the other side of the river is this giant stone head shooting fireballs out of its eyes. I shoot it in the nose until it starts to crumble. I had no idea raisin goo was that powerful. So after I chip the front of his nose off, I jump down into his throat so I can crawl around through his stomach lining, also made of stone.

Staying true to video game logic, I fall about a quarter of a mile down this long hole, & land safely on my feet. I've always wished I could do that in real life, haven't you?

The rest of the Maize Maze is pretty much just full of snakes & boulders & angry Aztec grapes shooting poison darts at me as I try to find my way through. It is possible, however, to actually go the wrong way, & I kind of like that touch. You know, except for the part where I die.

There's also some secret rooms lurking around, & I've recorded me finding one as I run around the maze! It's an AVI file that's a little over 3 megs.
WATCH ME PLAY THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS GAME!

Finally, some freaking corn to live up to the Maize Maze's name. This guy follows a strict exercise program of jumping 20 feet in the air, then lobbing corn kernels at me, then rinse & repeat until one of us is dead...

Only imagine the corn kernels really hurt. Twice as much as that grape's poison dart, getting bitten by an angry snake... even those dang birds! Eventually I spit at him enough to make him explode into popcorn & score another golden musical note. Time to dance!

But not for too long... we've got a band to save! I don't want to spil all the fun for you, so I'll only show you a little bit of the next 3 levels.

The Grapevine level puts you up against angry Trojan soldier grapes, ugly Siamese twenty-seven-or-so-uplet grapes, & bomber pilot grapes as you climb a giant grapevine from under the ground, through the sky, & then back underground again to face a very tough boss. Here's a hint: shooting him knocks him back a bit to give you some breathing room.

The Juicery level is overflowing with the blood of a thousand dead raisins. You'll need to avoid flying corks from evil possessed juice bottles as you climb to the top of the juicery's pipeworks. The boss you'll meet at the end of this level can't be attacked directly, so you'll have to figure out another way to do him in.

After you collect those 4 magic golden notes, you'll be able to reach Sky High Records Headquarters, which for some reason is extremely tiny. And outdoors. So that's why they kidnapped the California Raisins Band. They needed the money. Well why didn't they leave a ransom note like normal kidnappers? Pfft. Amateurs.

Overall, Califonia Raisins: the Grape Escape isn't that tremendous of a game, but there have been much worse games that didn't get pulled from shelves. I don't see the reasoning behind keeping this one from the public. But don't take MY word for it...

Download the ROM yourself & give the game a spin. Just don't expect a spectacular ending. I mean, come on, it's Capcom.

Oh, bite me.