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March 29th, 1998
Okay, so I haven't updated in a while. I could give you the big self-righteous speech about how "life is more important than some dinky webpage that marginally NOBODY reads," or I could relay the story of how my heart was broken the seventh consecutive time by the same girl, or I could just ignore it and do a fight. Unfortunately, all of those choices make me look like a total idiot, and though I'm not exactly the sharpest luchador in the drawer, I fancy myself a fairly educated nineteen year old.
But, as the tides change, the Superfight has changed as well. Since January of last year, I've been cranking out fight after fight, trying to stay original, not doing fights I've seen elsewhere, and using a different set of fighters EVERY single time. Do you know how hard that is? I go from fights featuring Goldberg and Ginger Spice to featuring fights with people you've never heard of like the Fall Guy and JenniCAM. Pretty soon I'm going to post a fight between "Face" from the A-Team and Ben, the guy Aaron works with at Subway.
Also, the world of popular culture changes. At this time last year, Goldberg was cool. He was spearing Mongo, doing backflips, and screaming while he ripped people's legs from their body. Then, one day he just...stopped. He wasn't the cool juggernaut he was when he was the silent guy who even Tenay knew nothing about. Suddenly he was just a bald superhero, beating Raven in two seconds and standing up for animal rights. What a sissy! He even challenged Steve Austin on the Tonight Show, which shows that even a degree in psychology from the University of Georgia doesn't prevent you from being a dumbass.
And chicks? No longer is Ginger a Spice, Alicia Silverstone gained a little weight (little weight meaning "she looks like Kubiak from "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"), and Jenny McCarthy isn't even around anymore. Where have all the chicks gone? To high school, evidently. Anna Paquin, Natalie Portman, Laura Prepon, NONE of them are over 20 years old. Even the world of music has seemed to shrink. Brandy and LeAnn Rimes are both superstars (though you'll never convince me as to "how"). And a Mousketeer has done the impossible.
Made it into a Superfight.
Ladies and Gentlemen, times change. But wrestling and chicks just won't go away.
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| GOLDBERG | BRITNEY SPEARS |
Get it? Goldberg? Britney Spears? SPEARS? <------explaining it for the retards
ACHIEVEMENTS
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Since the last Goldberg fight, the bald wonder has had two title reigns. The first one ended Raven's one and only United States title reign in a DAY. The second was much more pleasurable, seeing Hollywood Hogan get beaten up, and cleanly to boot. The mighty "streak" was ended by Kevin Nash at Starrcade, when some drunk with a caddle prod pretended to shock Stone...um, Goldberg, and cause that little scab on his head to bleed. Goldberg's streak was ended months before, however, when Mongo bashed his head in with a lead pipe. How come nobody remembers these things? I mean, Ric Flair could take a crap and people would remember how long it was and how much it smelled. Mongo stops being a retard for ONE second in his life and does something of merit, and he's thrown into the same category as Renegade and Joe Gomez. Say...what happened to that Renegade guy? He was pretty cool. Maybe he'll come back in a cloud of mist one day or appear to Hogan in a mirror. Heh, or maybe he'll join the Ministry as the walking dead. Silly zombies.
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Comparatively, Britney Spears is having a better last few months. She's gone from relative obscurity to topping the charts and being on the cover of Rolling Stone. Okay, "relative obscurity" is a poor choice of words. Here's a good example. Ask 1,000 people to name a song by Marcy Playground other than "Sex and Candy." She had about THAT many fans. But all of a sudden she becomes a hot chick and dresses like a school girl and BIGGITY BAM all of a sudden she's got a billion guys creaming their jeans at the mention of her name. Also, whenever she starts to dance, everyone in the immediate vacinity starts to dance as well. It's kinda like Grease, only without Travolta and Olivia Newton John, or cars, or plot. Actually, it's nothing like Grease, but you get the picture. Compared to Goldberg, Britney has achieved a lot more as of late, and that gives her the nod in this category. Also, she wins 'cause I found a picture of her groping herself. What a pervert.
ADVANTAGE: Britney Spears
WHO WOULD LOOK BETTER WINNING
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This is a pretty biased category, don't you think? I've matched a professional wrestler against a teeny-bopper Tiffany wannabe. Man, Tiffany was kinda hot. It was cool, one time she came to our mall. My cousin was 13 at the time, and she was the world's biggest Tiffany fan. Tiffany would only perform in malls...I think it was some kind of sick marketing ploy to make us walk past the arcade without ACTUALLY GOING IN, but that's beside the point. Tiffany was singing "I Think We're Alone Now," and my cousin got like, 2 inches away from her and grabbed her by the ankle. That left things open for the Brood to parachute down, and hang Tiffany from the mall ceiling by her neck. Isn't it funny how you just remember things? Anyway, Britney Spears is hotter than Goldberg. Give me a rousing "DUH" for that observation. I mean, come on. Goldberg isn't even an attractive wrestler! Now Ron Simmons...he's an attractive wrestler. There's nothing sexier than Ron Simmons whispering sweet nothings into your ear. "Bahbah ifah sucka donah toah!" Just make sure you have some Q-tips handy, because you don't want his slobber clogging up your ears. The sexiest thing about Goldberg is that little scab that bleeds if you look at it wrong. Ooooh yeah.
ADVANTAGE: Britney Spears
THAT KILLER INSTINCT
If you're planning on winning a superfight, you'd better have that killer instinct! That, and at least a few pictures online. Having a killer instinct can make the difference between winning a fight and losing. For example, Scotty Steiner has a killer instinct. He runs out into the crowd to chase fans who piss him off, chokes out Wild Cat Willy, pumps his body full of roids that make his arms the size of small Oldsmobiles, and pulls women out of the crowd, calls them "hootchies," and then makes out with them. Big Poppa Pump is my hero, man.
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The sexy Britney Spears is a Mousketeer. This means that she got to wear "trendy" clothes, dance around like an idjit, and act surprised about everything that happens. If a celebrity showed up, Britney would have to jump up and down and say "WOW!! It's televisions ___________!!!" If a Disney celebrity showed up, like Kirk Cameron or somebody, Britney would be required to constantly compliment them, and be REEEEALLY interested in EVERYthing they had to talk about. I'm assuming here that if Kirk Cameron collected stamps Britney would shit herself.
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I bet it would suck to be Goldberg's dentist. You'd be scraping his teeth or something and he'd just stare at you. Then, when you tried to give him that rinse stuff in the little dixie cup he'd smack it out of your hands and spear you into the cabinets. Then his head would start bleeding. But regardless, Goldberg's got a killer instinct. In fact, he's so killer that he's ruined the careers of Konnan, Curt Hennig, and Bam Bam Bigelow. Wait...their careers were already ruined. And Goldberg doesn't want chickens to fight each other. Yeah, Goldberg can lift poor Lodi ten feet in the air and then throw him thirty feet on top of his head, but if those chickens fight, Goldberg gets visably upset. I bet he curls up on his bed with a cell phone and a big white teddy bear and just cries his little Jewish eyes out. And then he plays with the dradle. And then his head starts bleeding again.
ADVANTAGE: GOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG.......GOOOOOOOOLDBERG......
THE CHICK FACTOR
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I need to clear something up before I continue. I think pre-diva, pre-"knee surgery," pre-"Sometimes" video Britney Spears is very, very attractive. I'm talking about the flat-chested one, doing splits and crap in the gym. I would bend her over six ways from Sunday and use other sexually suggestive euphamisms to describe the fact that she arouses me physically. However...ARGH, she looks like about thirty girls I graduated with!! Little miss perfect, always setting the curve in History, voted SCA President four years in a row, captain of the girls volleyball team, or WHATEVER. These girls always pissed me off, cause I'd pass them in the hallway and in a very polite and respectful tone say "hi." If I didn't get mocked, I was pointed at and beguiled for not wearing Tommy Hilfiger shirts or something. But I don't hold a grudge! I haven't supressed feelings that make me want to see every girlfriend I have in a school-girl outfit tied to the bed covered in honey or anything. Really. I'm serious. That was just a phase. The point I'm making is that Britney has been attractive, but I've seen it before.
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This is the only kind of chick I could picture Goldberg with. Being a sissy-mary animal rights activist, he poses with cats for pictures in national publications. The funniest thing I've ever seen was a big sign on Nitro with a drawing of Goldberg holding a cat in his arms. The sign read "Goldberg: Kind to animals." AHAHHAHAH!!! That's almost as funny as the sign that little girl was holding up when Brother Bruti injured the Hulkster's leg. "HULK: Humanity. Understanding. Love. Kindness." If you're going to attend a wrestling event and want to bring a Goldberg sign, here's a suggestion.
"NAZIS LOVE ANIMALS"
I bet THAT'd piss him off. Watch out though, it might make his head bleed.
ADVANTAGE: Britney Headspears
CLEARING UP A FEW LOOSE ENDS
You probably already know by now that I'm not letting Goldberg win this fight. Honestly, I used to like him a lot. That is, until he did something dirty. He was fighting Sting, my all-time favorite WCW wrestler, on Nitro...and he was getting his generic rump handed to him. Stinger slammed him, and hooked him in the Scorpion Deathlock. There was no way out. There was no controversy, no feud, no greasy Cubans in bright yellow shirts to blur the evidence. Goldberg was going to lose to Sting. And then Hogan came in. Goldberg won. It doesn't matter if I mark out when Goldberg presses Big Poppa Pump over his head five times, it doesn't matter if I mark out when he backflips, or when he spears somebody I don't like, like Damian or El Andy. I'll always have the picture of Goldberg jackhammering Sting and getting the three count in the back of my head. And it makes my head bleed.
ADVANTAGE: Sting. Even though he'll never be the Sting I remember.
RESULTS
"Mr. Goldberg...you're on." The security team guy knocks on Goldberg's locker room door. Goldberg slams his head into the lockers a few times and slams open the door. He is escorted around every nook and cranny of the arena, stalking to the ring, accompanied by his Viking Deathmarch music. The chant of "GOOOOOOLDBERG" fills the arena, whether the fans are chanting it or not. Goldberg stomps silently to the rampway...fireworks explode...but Goldberg breathes in the fire, and SCREAMS!!! Fireworks pop all behind Goldberg, as he throws uppercuts and smacks himself in the head. It is then...and only then...that Goldberg realizes that there is nobody in the arena. They've all gone outside to get Britney Spears' autograph.
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THE WINNER,
3-1
BRITNEY
SPEARS
And I got through the whole fight without talking about
how her music sucks.
Wonder if I'll ever get around to doing that?
