God Game
written by Bill on September 21, 2025

Oh jeez.

Oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez.

Cherub: This may be a touch beyond the scope of your control, Sir.

I know, jeez, I know. Man, look at that little fat one run.

Cherub: How did this happen?

I'd like to know that myself. I mean, these things are like, 80% water. Who knew they'd be so flammable?

Cherub: What I meant was, what circumstances lead to this?

Well, they were begging again. You know how they are. "Wah wah, move this rock. Wah wah, divert this river. Wah wah, why was my son born without kidneys." So I was opening up some farmland for them by drying out the old swamp.

Cherub: And how were you doing that?

The same way I always do, acting through forces of nature. I know the rules, don't give me that look. So I shone the sun extra strong on this patch of swamp, and it started drying up right on schedule. But as the water level lowered, I saw this cavern emerging. All the sudden, as the last of it's drying up, all this freaked out shit starts flying out of there like someone just ripped a chili beefer in their camping tent.

Cherub: Your illustrative prowess continues to awe, Sir.

Right. So these things come out of the cave and start screeching and flying around and tearing shit up. They start ripping off roofs and plucking people out like opening a pack of candy. I mean, I gotta do something, right?

Cherub: Certainly.

So, of course, with all my focus on the monsters, I sorta lose track of the intense, beating sunlight on the now thoroughly dry swampland.

Cherub: So the sunlight started this fire?

No, the sunlight burned down the forest near the swamp. All the lightning bolts I was throwing at the monsters burned down the town.

Cherub: ...

What? Hey, I'm lucky to hit the pot when I take a piss. You try chucking lances of electricity at fast-moving specks a few miles down.

Cherub: *sigh* Well, it would seem the only-- Hold on, it seems you have a call, Sir.

A call? From who? If it's Stacy, tell her I'll call her later.

Cherub: Who's calling, please?

Townspeople: HELP US!!!!

Cherub: It's not Stacy.

Oh jeez. Oh jeez oh jeez oh jeez. Tell them I'm not here.

Cherub: You're God, Sir. Where else would you be?

..Out. I'm out.

Cherub: He's out.

Townspeople: AAAARRRRUUUUUUUGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!

Cherub: They're not buying it.

Alright, lemme see.. Uh.. Ahem. Know..est.. ye.. thou... um.. guys..

Townspeople: MASTER, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN US?!?!

Um.. That's, that's a good question, and I'm glad you asked that.. because.. uh... Boy, you can really start to smell that burning hair, can't you?

Cherub: Here's a clothespin for your nose, Sir.

Thanks. Uh... God helps those who help themselves! Bye! Hang up, hang up!

Whew. One crisis averted.

Cherub: Yes, about that.. I hate to bring further bad news to your table, Sir, but I don't believe we'll be able to fully recover from this before Mistress Gaia makes her check-up.

Oh fuck, is that this millennium? I thought I had more time.

Cherub: Well you did, Sir, when I originally told you about this, 800 years ago.

So how much time do we have left now?

Cherub: 15 minutes.

Shit!

Okay, get all this stuff out of the way. Clear some land. Get together all the material we have left. I'm going to whip something together while you go out and stall her.

Cherub: Stall the Mother of the Planets? How do I do that?

Tell her she smells nice. Chicks dig that stuff.

Cherub: ...

Cherub: Mistress Gaia! You are looking lovelier with each passing eon. What collaboration of fortunes graces us with your presence here today?

Gaia: I appreciate your compliments, servant, no matter how deceptively-intentioned they may be. But you know very well why I am here. It is time for this fledgling planet's first inspection. Fetch your master.

Cherub: Uh, yes, certainly, but.. Perhaps there are other worlds that need inspection first?

Gaia: There are other worlds, Cherub, but they will be attended to in due time. Now it is time for this planet's report.

Cherub: Um.. But don't you.. uh.. ..(Sir?)

(I got my robe caught in the copier! Keep stalling!)

Cherub: Uh.. So, Mistress.. I hear At The Drive-In is a popular musical combo!

Gaia: Do not test my patience, tiny one.

Cherub: I.. Um.. That is.. I mean.. He.. Oh, forgive me! He lost it! He lost it all!

Gaia: Lost it? Lost what?

Lost my mind for daring to keep you waiting so long! Please, come in, I think you're really going to enjoy what I've got to show for you!

Gaia: Ah, God #4027, it's good to see you again. I trust you haven't had many troubles?

Smoother sailing could not be had. Please, make yourself comfortable. It is my pleasure to present to you the latest diamond for your crown..

Tah dah!

Cherub: Oh Jesus.

Gaia: #238? Is he here?

Just ignore Cherub, he's obviously awestruck.

Gaia: #4027.. These look to be ants.

Yes, they do seem very tiny from up here, don't they. But see the elaborate civilization they've constructed! This complex network of tunnels provides safehaven if they are ever attacked by spider-- spid-- spi...ing! Spying! Spying foreign nations.. jealous of their accomplishment! And above ground, the town has expanded to the four corners of.. this.. spot. There's the police station, and the library, and the military base. And there's the school, over by the.. uh.. *cough* giant bottle cap.

Gaia: #4027, these are ants.

Well, you may feel free to consider them so callously, but I feel an emotional intimacy with each of my subjects, who I treat as family--

Gaia: These are literal ants.

..Miss.. Miss Gaia, I don't know what you're insinuating, but I..

Oh bullshit! There isn't anyone even left to run that thing!

Gaia: ...

Er.. I mean.. Uh.. Cower before me, your vengeful Creator! Your works displease me! A plague of John Deere upon you!

Gaia: 4027..

May your homes be kicked in half by large children!

Gaia: 4027..

Bear witness to the giant magnifying lens and tremble!

Gaia: #4027, where is the civilization you were assigned?

It's.. um.. on hiatus.

Gaia: Hiatus.

Yes. It had a good first-run, we got some positive feedback, and now we're just going to set it aside for some retooling. Y'know, tweak the characters, do some focus testing, see how it plays to the sticks. We really have faith in the product, and we want to take our time with it, let it to find its audience.

Gaia: You destroyed it.

More or less, yeah. Am I fired?

Gaia: You know the procedures, 4027. Were I to report this to the Astral Council, you would be punished to the fullest extent of whatever mood they were in that particular day.

I know.. .."Were I to"?

Gaia: *sigh* Yes.. I may hold sway over the fates of billions, but I am not without compassion for the individual. I admit a certain sympathy for the task of our World Bearers, for I can still recall my time as one. Despite what the books may tell you, Terra was not built in a day.

Wow. I never knew. How did you do when you started out?

Gaia: I grew tired of my subjects and thus decided to give life to their internal organs. Life, and tiny arms and teeth and a psychotic hatred for their roving biological prisons.

Ew.

Gaia: Yes. But the point is that had my superiors not allowed me a second chance, I would not be where I am today. And so I will do the same for you.

Okay, so what do we do?

Gaia: First and foremost, you will not speak of this place again. It will be deconstructed, with the salvagables returned to the Quarry and the rest scattered to a thousand points. I will assign you to one of the base projects, one that's not so far along in completion. Perhaps entering the process from the ground floor will serve as a better introduction to your duties.

I can't thank you enough, really. I promise, I will do so much better next time. You'll be proud of me.

Gaia: I'm sure. Oh, and one more thing.

Yes?

Gaia: If you dare to relay my actions to the Council, I will grind you to powder and sew your dust into the dung hills of the Wastelands.

...Gotcha.

Gaia: Be on your way then.

Man, I owe her everything. She saved my life, no kidding. I don't know what I would've done without her. She's the most giving, caring person in this universe.

Cherub: I'm glad everything worked out, Sir. It appears your new control system has arrived.

Oh dude, she totally fucked me.

Cherub: Now, Sir..

What the hell is this? Is this the control panel or an informercial about blackheads?

Cherub: I'm sure if we just take this step by step, we'll work through it.

Oh really? And what step should we take first? Shake the continental plates around? Change the "core formation" into the shape of a bunny? And "Axial Tilt"? Didn't they open for Motorhead last year?

Cherub: All we need to do is maintain an optimal temperature to allow life, and ensure that the ecosystem cycle is in proper balance to preserve it.

Oh, is that all.

Cherub: I have full confidence in you, Sir.

Well I'll try. But if it doesn't work, I blame you.

Cherub: Look there, Sir. Our work has begun to bear fruit!

Hey, what do you know. Flowers. Our planet has flowers!

Cherub: I knew you could do it, Sir.

Wow. I didn't know such a little thing could be so exciting. Look at how colorful they are.

Cherub: There are more!

Man, they're really spreading. They've already covered most of the surface.

Cherub: They're exquisite.

This is it, Cherub. I get it. Finally, finally I get it. This is what being a Creator is all about. Shaping this hard, barren rock into fertile soil that can give life to such delicate, perfect beauty. This sense of accomplishment is what I've been searching for all my life. I'm not going to go wrong this time. Finally, I feel like I can really start anew.

Cherub: I'm honored to have the opportunity to.. *sniff* To.. *sniff* ahem.. Excuse me for a moment..

Yeah, I know-- *snort* ..Know what you mean.. These things are really -- *cough* -- kicking up the pollen, huh?

Cherub: Yes Sir. *sniff* Perhaps some upper air filtration system would be wise.

Yeah, that sounds.. Eggh.. *sniff* Sounds good. I'll get the.. the.. hehh.. haahh...

Cherub: No, Sir, don't! Turn away!

AH-THPPLBOOO!

*snort* Aw, crap.

Cherub: Oh, dear.

Aw, man. Weak.

Uh.. status?

Cherub: 74% of planet surface submerged. 98.6% of life extinguished. And the surviving plants aren't doing too well.

Dude.

Cherub: Quite.

Gee. Um.. Does the company cover this? Can we file this under Coincidental Disasters?

Cherub: I'm sorry, Sir, but I checked the book and I don't believe.. ah.. Annihilation Via Booger Storm is covered in the plan.

Try Goober Typhoon.

Cherub: Sir.

Oh, come on. I can't be the first person this has happened to.

Cherub: The closest case I can find is God #193, who knocked over his beer onto his workstation while developing a race he called "dinosaurs." They were all washed into the ocean and drowned. The aquatic creatures got drunk, passed out, and drowned.

What did they do to him?

Cherub: He was given a body, specially crafted with the power of immortality in exchange for extreme sensitivity to pain.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Cherub: His left foot was then tied to a rock at the beginning of time and his right was tied to a tug boat in the present.

I'm not even sure I have the capability to understand that.

Cherub: I believe that's the crux of the problem we've been having..

What?

Cherub: Nothing.

Oh, man. I don't believe this. I screwed up again. What am I going to do if--

Gaia: Hello!

Dammit!

Gaia: I just wanted to check in on you. How are you settling in?

Yeah, um.. I'm really thankful for all you've done for me and all, but.. Uh.. a Goober Typhoon blew in, can I have another planet?

Gaia: ...

...Booger storm?

Gaia: ...

..I so promise that I'll do better next time, really, just give me one more and this time I'll really--

Gaia: 4027, our positions are that of privilege. We are granted the opportunity to create life from nothingness, to bend nature itself to our will, to shape an entire society to fulfill our own desires. You held the very building blocks of life in your hands, and you--

Wiped my ass with them?

Gaia: ...

Sorry.

Gaia: Twice you have been given this power and twice you have squandered it. I have no choice this time.

But Miss Gaia.. *sniff* It's hay fever season.

Gaia: Yes, and I'm not even going to begin to question how a being without corporeal presence can have an allergic reaction to anything.

It took some work, I'll tell you that.

Gaia: It seems the only miracles you were gifted with at birth were those of implausible ineptitude.

But that makes me lovably goofy, right?

Gaia: It makes you a bane to my existence.

:(

Gaia: You are hereby relinquished of your duties and stripped of your title. Goodbye, Former God #4027.

Goodbye? Wait, you're not going to destroy me? What am I going to do?

Gaia: In my view, all beings, no matter how ill-conceived, serve some purpose. I believe I have found yours.

Seriously? So, what am I now? A Palkra rider in Celestius? A starsmith in the Ikkityo Forge? Ooh, ooh! Can I be one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Gaia: *sigh* Goodbye, Bob.

..Bob? Who the hell is B--

Gnuh, wha-- what, I'm up, I'm here.

"Dude, you fell asleep on the greeting cards again."

Bah. It's the fumes of false sentiment, they make me drowsy.

"Yeah, well, if the boss caught you like that, you'd be outta here like yesterday's news. In fact, here he comes now."

Ugh.. Hello, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, that pencil box does look misaligned. Yes sir, I'll attend to it immediately. Thank you, sir.

...

Jackass.

"Man, you're lucky as shit. If I'd have found you just one second later, he would've seen you. I guess somebody up there likes you."

Pfft. Yeah Bruce. Some higher power is working to ensure I don't get fired from the Stationary and Office department at Wal-Mart. I'm secretly the savior of bargain-priced fountain pens.

"Next time, I'm just going to leave your smart ass there. Let you wake up with a pink slip and a Ziggy imprint on your cheek."

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Gaia: I believe you're here to see me about a reassignment?

Dragon: Yeah. I'm a monster, Alpha class, on planet AF9482Q5. Well, I was.

Gaia: What happened?

Dragon: The retard in charge burned the whole place down. I mean, I thought that was my job, y'know? I'm just trying to make enough money to feed my kids and he starts running around like a maniac. Anyway, the project got shut down and I was laid off.

Gaia: Hmm. I believe I remember the incident you refer to. Tell me, how does the job of department manager sound to you?