And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em!
                                                                                                                               -Ouiser Boudreaux (Shirley Maclaine), Steel Magnolias.

As much as I loathe to admit any and all personal shortcomings, the fact of the matter is that when it comes to movies I just have really shitty taste sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I still know a lot about film as a medium. More than you probably. And when I tell you that the movie you liked sucked, I'm right and you're wrong, so just accept it. But still, I'm a real shithead about some things.

Take this evening for example. My inamorato and I decided when I got home from another long and tiring day of getting paid to read while occasionally manning a cash register, that we would watch a movie. Now, our DVD collection is pretty formidable. There are Criterion DVDs right next to the Walmart bargain bin stuff, and there's plenty to go around. And plenty I haven't even watched yet, to be honest. So it would stand to reason that someone who claims to love the medium of film and want to dedicate her life to the study and production of said medium would be able to pick out at least ONE movie in several hundred that would make for a pleasant viewing experience. That reasoning would be incorrect. Evil Dead? No. Josie and the Pussycats? Nyet. Akira? Nip it in the bud, son.

Then it occurred to me the one glaring exemption from our DVD library; the trashy sexy girl movie. I'm not talking faux-girl sexy in that "let's awkwardly watch under the sheets humping and you can sort of see the peach fuzz on someone's boob and there's an ovary wailing on the soundtrack" kind of way. No no. I'm talking full out "I'm gonna get indie cred by blatantly fucking on camera and then oh no there's some same-sex making out going on in her what do we do let's all snort a line and smoke a cigarette because we're all so fucking fabulous and greasy." Like. . . "Go" trashy-sexy. "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" trashy-sexy. Fucking "Confessions of a Trick Baby" trashy-sexy. Yes, sometimes in my raging vaginations all I need is a shitty movie that doesn't think it's shitty, with copious sexuality and possible drug use. Take this into consideration when wondering why I still have "Velvet Goldmine" in my top ten favorite films ever. It'll learn ya something.

Knowing what I've just told you, and using this knowledge to consider what my mindset is when perusing the 99 cent rental shelves at the video store, and with that I give you a review of the most non-trashy non-sexy movie to come out of Canada in the span of my lifetime. Though now that I think about it, this may be the only film to come out of Canada in my lifetime that doesn't involve blatant misuse of the name Zap Rowsdower.

The film opens opens the many roofs of a picturesque Canadian suburb. Sun shines. Birds chirp. Children, naturally, play hockey. Oh, but what's this? A blight on beatific landscape. A woman screams. The children turn, then go back to their hockey. Nothing must deter them from the street hockey game. Not even the woman's dog, who has been brutally ripped apart. Get used to this sight, it will happen a lot in the next two hours.

In the midst of all this suburban non-terror, we're introduced to Bridgette, one of our two leads, played by Canadian Heather Matarazzo. Her frizzy hair covers her face, and she's wearing a below the knee skirt, so even before we meet her sister, you know she's supposed to be the Ugly One. I'd make some comment about that stupid Ann Hathaway tendency to make a girl's hair frizzy and expect us to buy her as a social outcast, when clearly all she needs to do is take off her glasses and let down her pony tail. But this girl is pretty horsefaced. Like, remember in the movie "Jawbreaker" when Rose McGowan and 37 year-old Julie Bends adopted their nerdy classmate Judy Greer and made her "hot"? But then Judy Greer is just kind of funny looking so she just looked like an ugly girl with stupider clothes? Yeah, that's Canadian Heather Matarazzo.

Off goes CHM to the basement bedroom she shares with her sister which, despite them living in a super nice Kountry Krafty McMansion, looks like a set leftover from that awful Taye Diggs on a ledge remake of "The House on Haunted Hill." In said basement is said sister, Ginger (get it?), played by the girl in the PJ Soles hat from Freddy Vs. Jason. You may also remember Katharine Isabelle from being low-rent Robin Tunney every day of her life. Although Robin Tunney is pretty low rent at this point, so maybe Ginger is the just rent controlled version. Anyway, she has non-frizzy hair and a considerably bitchier expression, so we know that she's the Hot, Mean One.

The sisters have an extended conversation about how the world sucks and oh we're going to kill ourselves we're unhappy 15 year old rich kids, let's turn up the Simple Plan and scream so no one can hear us. Then they pontificate on how when they were 8 they took a vow to be "out by 16 or dead in the scene, but together forever." This is hilarious because they wish to be "dead in the scene" yet in the length of the move we never see them go anywhere but school or their backyard, nor are we given any information to lead us to believe that they've spent much time "in scene." Like, what does that even mean? When Andy stops calling to invite them to the Factory, does that officially make them dead in the scene? SOMEONE HELP ME I CAN'T GLEAN A LITERAL MEANING FROM THESE WORDS THEY'VE SAID PUT ME ON A VH1 COUNTDOWN.

Then we get on overly stylized credit sequence in which both girls kill themselves in many elaborate and creative ways. It's important to note how artsy fartsy the credits are, because it's obvious that this is where all the money went. The rest of the film has that odd "I shot this with my dad's camera" quality we've come to expect from videos in health class about how you can't get AIDS from a toilet seat.

Oh but SWERVE they're not really dead, they just took pictures of themselves as corpses for a school project. Because that's what the weird girls do in Canada, as opposed to down here where they'd just try to convince me that Gir is a character of literary worth. The film then spends the requisite five minutes needed to express the fact that the Fitzgerald sisters are disliked by the popular girls and talked about by the boys. Because who would give a shit if they made a werewolf movie about a pretty blonde girl who drives an SUV? No, the kids are only gonna get in line if they wear thrift shirts and hang Celtic shit on their wall. 'Cause we as a country will only accept nice young men and women as teen Lycanthropes if they're 4'8'' and shaking uncontrollably. Or Jason Bateman, I guess.

So yeah. Blah blah Some Girls hates CHM. Blah blah Some Girl is dating a Drug Dealer. Blah blah Enid Coleslaw's Boss from the movie theater wants to fuck RCRT. Blah blah blah exposition. Oh, and someone finds another dead dog killed by "it." This inspires the sisters to make a plan to kidnap Some Girl's big fuck off rottweiler, which she inexplicably has with her at school. So, cut to that evening, the girls wander through a park and stumble upon dog remains AGAIN. That's the third time in about 15 minutes of story. Apparently when the director realized he could save money by using his dad's video camera, he decided the best course of action would be to stock up on dog gore.

Finally, after much scowling and bitchery on the parts of CHM and RCRT, we finally get to the part of the movie people care about: Werewolves! Biting people! Eating shit! Then totally letting two spindly little chicks get away and getting run over by a truck! Werewolves! It's actually only Ginger who gets attacked by the creature, ostensibly because even though she's 16 years old she's just gotten her first period there in the middle of the park. They try to make the whole menstruation thing some important theme about female changing and growing into their own, but it's all tacked on and hockey and nobody was really watching fucking Ginger Snaps for the feminist perspective. They just wanted some dog gore, and a possible titty shot from RCRT. So Ginger's egg drops, and the mythic and mysterious creature attacks her by a swing set because it can smell her special lady. Not exactly Anne Rice we're dealing with here. Although anyone who read enough Anne Rice novels knows there was actually a scene in one of her books in which a vampire eats a maxi pad. That's pretty much when I stopped reading Anne Rice novels.

So the sisters, despite one of them just being attacked and nearly bitten in half by what appears to be one of those pig hats from the University of Arkansas, manage to make it back to the basement on haunted hill, because they're outsiders and they don't need medical attention. They'll just dress her wounds with pages from an old Sassy magazine. Oh, wait, no need, the wounds are already heeling. WHOOPS TURNING INTO A FLESH EATING WOLF!

The next day, RCRT is forced to deal with two harrowing realizations: 1) After being attacked by a werewolf, the wounds apparently start sprouting hair. And 2) When a young lady first experiences those first bloody pangs of femininity, you really need to plug that shit up, or you're gonna make a mess. Luckily, after having been at school for what appeared to be about five minutes, the girls manage to sneak away to a local grocery store for supplies, where they happen to run in to Enid Coleslaw's Boss. He make some sketchball remark which I'm almost positive involves him going down on his sister while she's on the rag, then invites Ginger outside to smoke up in the back of Drug Dealer's truck. The same truck, I might add, which ran over the foam Razorbacks hat the previous evening. While RCRT is smoking, CHM observes the damage done to Drug Dealers grill, and is discovered by Drug Dealer himself. Drug Dealer, it should be noted, looks like a B-team version of both Rider Strong and James Franco, so we'll just call him Stanco. Bridgette questions Stanco on what he hit, and Stanco nonchalantly informs her that he believes it to have been a lycan. 'Cause like, I guess after having your dad killed by Spiderman, nothing sounds weird.

At school the next morning Ginger, motivated by her desire to find new and exciting ways to illustrate "bitch in heat," decides that maybe today she won't be some random freaky chick. Maybe today she'll show off her ample ta-tas and strut down the hall at school like she just watched "The Craft."

She's also decided now that she's growing a tail (did I mention she's growing a tail? She's growing a tail) that instead of hanging out with her weird sister and her dry uterus, she'd much rather fuck Enid Coleslaw's boss in the back of a Volvo. Which she does. And then proceeds to eat the neighbor's dog. We don't actually get t see the dog this time, though. I guess they'd run out of dog gore at the point in production. Still, dead dog number four. Notice how there's no mention of the werewolf killing any humans, even though everyone was well aware that something out in the night was killing dogs? Maybe he didn't want to kill the dogs at all. Maybe he was trying to mate. Or just wanted to squeeze them and pet them and name them George. He only hurts because he loves, baby.

While Ginger is off doing the back-seat polka with the ape faced member of 2ge+her and chewing up terriers, Bridgette has decided to seek advice from Stanco in his greenhouse marijuana hideaway that looks not unlike the chem lab set up that Zeke the Drug Dealing Science Whiz had in "The Faculty." But rather than being up front, she feigns that she was the one bitten, not her sister. Stanco, to his credit, is willing to help. But having just received his brand new "The Best of Corey Haim" boxed set in the mail, he of course suggests silver. Not a bullet, of course, but enough to cleanse the blood stream. And since this movie picks up its female empowerment by way of Alicia Silverstone videographies, it of course leads to CHM piercing her sister's belly button. It of course does no good, and Ginger continues to grow hair in strange places and other metaphors for puberty that involve licking the marrow from a labrador's bones. Actually I think that might be the only one of those. Her gradual transformation does lead to a really hilarious scene in which Bridgette has to tape Ginger's tail to her inner thigh so she can go to gym class. While in gym class, Some Girl, having noticed the attention bestowed on CHM by Stanco, decides to put the smack down. Ginger naturally comes to her sister's aid, and because they're in Canada, they fight with hockey.

Meanwhile, Stanco has figured out that some flower that's related by marriage to Wolfsbane might be just what they need to head off Bridgette/Ginger's transformation. The sooner the better, because at this point RCRT has gone just about batshit insane. Some Girl shows up at their house asking for her dog back. When Bridgette doesn't know what she's talking about, Some Girl immediately chews into her for trying to steal Stanco, claiming for reasons that will never be explored further or mentioned again, that he's just a "cherry hound." Lovely. Anyway, then crazy ass Ginger shows up, there's much screaming and yelling, and of course we end up with Some Girl in the Fitzgerald family freezer. This is awesome because it leads to my favorite Canadian moment in the entire film: bilingual "have you see me?" posters.

Luckily for both sisters (and me, 'cause at this point I'd pretty much given up hope of trashy-sexy horror fun) CHM just happens to find some not-Wolfsbane that her mom bought at the craft store. So she locks Ginger in the bathroom on haunted hill, and sets off for Stanco's greenhouse for an elaborate "making drugs" montage. When she gets home to inject her sister, however, she finds the RCRT has clawed her way out of the bathroom, and set off for school, where she shows her tits to these dumb guys and gets sent to the guidance office. While she's off fucking up Dograssi High's Christmas, Bridgette is having an unfortunate encounter with Enid Coleslaw's boss, who at this point is ALSO turning into a werewolf, thanks to raw German automotive lovin' he got from Ginger. Rather than growing fangs and sitting around sullenly in a black hoody like Ginger, Enid Coleslaw's boss has instead sprouted a face full of nasty pustules and has started to pee blood. When he runs into Bridgette, he's hilariously harassing not a dog, but a little boy in a dog costume. CHM sticks him with the Funky Munky, and it seems to work, but now she's out of her juice.

Which is unfortunate, because by the time she tracks down Ginger at school, she's already laid waste to the guidance counselor. Then when Bridgette runs off to find some cleaning supplies (because at this point, despite all that's happened, shes still sticking to her stupid ass "together forever" anthem rather than just giving her the boy howdy Bob Seger style), Ginger does away with the Pagoda-esque janitor as well. Then we get a ten second flash of trashy-sexy when Ginger, in the midst of talking about how horny killing people makes her, decides she's attracted to her younger sister and wants to "infect" her, so they truly can both be out by sixteen.

Then the DVD freezes, and when it starts up again, Bridgette and their mom are on their way to find Ginger, and Ginger has arrived at a Halloween party thrown by Stanco in his greenhouse which is now suddenly the Bronze. In keeping with the Buffy theme, the makeup artist has completely ripped off "vamp face" and given it to Ginger so we all know that's she's given herself over to the transformation. Her hair has also gone completely white and straight, so not only is she about to turn into a werewolf, but now I guess she's also having Randall Flagg's baby.

She finds Stanco. She takes her shirt off. This would be really cool if not for the fact that anyone who saw Freddy Vs. Jason knows that Katherine Isabelle only allows really obvious body doubles to do her work. It also looses points for the fact that at this point her body has also started changing, so her entire torso looks like my dog's. Stanco, despite knowing what Ginger is and what she's becoming, doesn't run screaming for his life when she shows up. Instead, he lets her writhe on him a little bit until Bridgette shows up to take care of business. And by "take care of business" I mean "cut open both of their hands so that she and Ginger can be werewolves together!" YAY, let's just fuck that logical solution to the problem we've come up with, and replace it with more Foxfire sisterhood bullshit.

So then Ginger turns into a werewolf (which is a shame, 'cause the Christina Aguilera look was working for her) and CHM and Stanco go off to find/do away with her. Then the film FINALLY becomes interesting. See what happens is. . . oh. . .wait, hold on I'm baking.

3/4 cup butter, unsalted and softened
1 cup light brown sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
2 1/4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves

Cream together the butter and sugar. Stir in molasses and egg. Add 1 cup of flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, ginger and ground cloves and stir to combine. Add remaining flour 1 cup at a time. Chill dough in freezerfor 15 minutes. Shape dough into 1-inch balls and roll in sugar. Bakeon greased cookie sheet at 375 degrees for 10 minutes.