A booklet of losing scratch tickets.
A Copy of Norton AntiVirus.
Some present the birthday person gave you a while ago and you're giving back ostensibly as a "gag gift" even though there really isn't any kind of gag to be made.
A George Foreman grill that you took out of the package to cook celery last night and tried to use ranch dressing as some sort of marinade.
A bulk-wrapped cube of 5,000 3.5" floppy disks that you have to ask the birthday person to come help move to their place because you have a broken arm and can't lift it (you live thirty miles outside the city)
A rattle you took from the birthday person's crib like five minutes ago.
A Gift certificate to Sam Goody worth $8
A United Way "Day of Caring '01" t-shirt.
A wrapped box of Popeye's chicken.
Tampered-with deodorant.
An unsolicited subscription to Black Tail.
A Logitech trackball mouse/hand scanner combo pack.
A 9-volt battery recharger.
A miniature version of Bill "Spaceman" Lee's autobiography from the checkout line at Barnes & Noble.
A case of Polaroid flash bars.
A VHS copy of the Sci-Fi Channel original movie "Clive Barker's Saint Sinner," recorded on its original airing, with commercials still intact.
Dried-up Nickeloden Gak you'd left out in the sun for too long, crammed back into the container and tried to seal shut with Scotch tape in an attempt to play it off like it'd been recently purchased.
One of those box-in-a-box gag gifts wherein the recipient keeps uncovering smaller and smaller packages; except when they get to the final box it's just filled with styrofoam packing peanuts.
"Redeemable for .39 off your next purchase of a McGriddle at any participating McDonalds," promotional coupon.
A book of "birthday coupons," such as "redeemable for one free lawn mowing," with the "coupon expires by" field set to a date prior to the recipient's birthday.
"Pick up all the fun of "Last Holiday" now available on DVD" promotional poster taken from the free poster bin at your local Blockbuster on the way to the party.
A used copy of Super Mario 64 with all four save spots complete to 120 stars.
A bulk supply of turkey-flavored Top Choice ramen wrapped entirely in Sunday "Curtis" comic strips.
A Super Soaker 200 squirt gun with a hole in the water tank, poorly sealed shut using duct tape.
"My son and/or daughter is an honor student at Glendale elementary school" bumper sticker. Neither you or the recipient have children or live in Glendale.
A coupon for a free movie ticket to "Just Friends," obtained from the purchase of the "American Pie 1 & 2" double-pak at Best Buy two years ago.
A piece of paper with "www.bittorrent.com - you'll thank me later," written on it.
Your late grandfather's old glasses.
A set of six old "Goober PB&J;" jars to be used as drinking glasses.
A thermometer with the free clinic logo stamped on the carrying case.
A cervical cancer society complimentary bracelet 'n' bead kit.
A certificate for a tree planted in your name in Nova Scotia with a picture of said tree enclosed.
Dinner at Shoney's, your treat, but nothing over five bucks...wait, you didn't check that "state quarters" cardboard display you inherited when your grandpa passed away last year...ah, shit, turns out you raided it a few months ago for laundry money. Yeah, five bucks. You'll just have a water, trying to diet anyway. Does the birthday person mind driving? Cool, thanks.
A collection of your favorite Snapple caps.
A pile of View-Master slides. You couldn't find the View-Master itself, but if you hold the slides up to the light there's almost no difference.
A sack of irregular Saf-T-Pops.
A sleeping bag with the bottom worn through and mysterious stains throughout.
A giant pencil.
A ream of 46 Chuck-E-Cheese tickets.
A set of four coins, on of each denomination, from your birth year.
A swimming trophy with the engraving, "Todd Scher, Most Improved, 1997, Vista Acres Pool.
A coupon for a free game of lazertag, redeemable at the Wheeling, West Virginia Funquest.
Mail (you're a mailman).
A bucket of ice cream that's a polka-dotted smrgsbord of at least 25 different flavors, each loosely-packed morsel approximately the size of a trial-size Baskin-Robbins spoon.
A wheelbarrow full of cans, some crushed, some not, with the claim that "it's basically as good as money"
A double-portion of gruel (birthday person can no longer recall his or her own birthday).
A Subway sub-club card, still three punches removed from a free six-inch sub.
A copy of Cyber Sled for the Playstation 1, still in its security-enabled plastic container.
A pile of tangled AC adapters; the products to which they belong have long since gone missing.
A CD-R case. Inside, a mix CD with "Nana's Birthday Jamz - 2003" written in Sharpie marker.
A complete collection of Bazooka Joe comics featuring Mort as a primary character.
