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Game Show Hosts |
| The history of game shows goes back a lot further than most people think. The first game show ever broadcast was “Spelling Bee”, a BBC gem hosted by Freddie Grisewood in 1938. Right from the beginning game shows received terrible reviews, as “Spelling Bee” was widely regarded as the most boring show on television, which comes as no surprise considering that it was a literal spelling bee.
A....L...O Gahhhh too boring (thud) I've been watching game shows for quite some time now, but the allure was never really in the game itself so much as how the game was adapted to fit entertainment standards. The public won't watch three people play “Guess the Word”, but throw in a giant, spinning wheel and a bombshell in high heels and we're in business. The one gimmick that every game show employs (and seemingly must employ) is the game show host. They're the person who helps the contestants along with complicated concepts like answering trivia questions and playing tic-tac-toe at the same time. While a large majority of game show hosts could be replaced with anybody willing to do the job others stand out. Some even seem to be more essential to the show than the actual game itself. It's these hard working Americans that go unappreciated day in and day out. Well I won't tolerate it. In the ‘90s we focused on the importance of teachers and called them the real heroes. If a run of the mill occupation like teacher can be considered a hero then I'm damn well sure a game show host is worthy. The next time you read about a firefighter carrying a child from burning wreckage find their number and give them a call. Ask them if they were teaching the kid multiplication tables on their way out, because if they weren't then they were basically playing second fiddle.
Heroes: Alex Trebek
Host of: "Jeopardy!" You ever hear somebody talk for hours and hours yet have absolutely no idea what type of person they are? I feel that way about Alex Trebek. I can just as easily see him attending several book club meetings a week as I can him hitting some crazy jumps on a four-wheeler. He really has managed to host the show for 26 years without giving a single indication that he does actually have a life outside of the studio. The only personal experiences he ever mentions revolve around the coffee breaks between shoots. I lost a great deal of respect for Mr. Trebek after he shaved his moustache.
Given the scarce amount of information we had about Mr. Trebek (hosts game show, has a moustache) it was vital that we not lose any. By shaving his moustache he immediately lost 50% of what I'd consider to be his identifiable attributes. Say you were talking about Alex Trebek with a friend, but you couldn't remember his name. Before he shaved his moustache the conversation might look something like this: You: “Damnit, I can't remember his name. He's a game show host with a moustache.” Friend: “Alex Trebek?” You: “That's it! Alec Trebek.” Friend: “No, no. It's ‘Alex' Trebek.” You: “You said your mom was on her way to pick you up, right?”
Same conversation after Trebek shaves his moustache:
You: “Damnit, I can't remember his name. He's a game show host.” Friend: “What game show?” You: “I don't remember. If I knew the game I'd know the guy's name.” Friend: “Al Borland?” You: “If he had a beard I'd say he had a beard you know how important that kind of shit is to me go home.”
Pat Sajak
Host of: "Wheel of Fortune" I've never seen a game show host do less than this guy. Allow me to run through the typical workload this guy faces. Walk to podium. Spark small talk with contestants (“Oh, you're a student? Well let's hope you walk away here feeling a little better about those student loans!”). Tell people when it's their turn. Tell the contestants how many boxes have illuminated. Make lewd comments to Vanna White's replacement. Call Vanna to make sure she doesn't want to come back. Accidentally call Vanna White's replacement “Vanna White”. Change all categories to “Hotter Than Current Replacement”. Say “I'd like to buy a Vanna White” and laugh incessantly. Tell joke again because nobody laughed the first time.
It makes you wonder what kind of qualifications they were checking for when they were looking for a host. Did anyone get turned down? “Well, how socially adept are you?” “What do you mean?” “Do you think you're capable of talking to three strangers for 15 seconds a piece?” “Uh, yeah.” “Do you have any prior work experience with opaque squares being lit in a timely fashion?” “Well, no.” “Alright, Mr. Hantz, we'll keep your resume on file in case anything opens up. (buzzes intercom) Uh, Jessica? Could you send the next applicant in please? Thank you.” “(buzzes intercom) Jessica? Yeah, you can send the rest of the applicants home, thank you.”
Bob Barker
Host of: "The Price is Right"
The most beloved of any game show host. I don't know exactly what it is about the guy, but I've yet to meet a single person who wasn't head over heels for him. If Bob Barker stole $700 worth of automatic firearms and killed every band on Billboard's Hot 100 chart the public wouldn't mind as long as he said “Time forrrrr Plinkoooo!!!” afterwards. I recently learned that Bob is entering his 34 th season as host of The Price is Right at the ripe age of 82. I could take the easy path and call him an old bag that's probably going to die of a heart attack when somebody FINALLY HITS A FREAKING TEN FOOT PUTT IN TWO TRIES.
"Ok, Melissa. Give it whack!"
"Ooooh, I'm sorry."
"That's ok, because the name of the game is 'Hole in One....or Two!'"
"Ok just get out."
But I won't. I respect what the guy has done and, if you didn't remember, I'm in love with him. Don't act like you're not.
Regis Philbin
Host of: "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
The thing about Regis is that he's richly famous outside of being a game show host. His gab session “Regis and Kelly” (formerly “Regis and Kathy Lee”) has become as traditional to the American morning as coffee and cigarettes. So I begin to wonder, why would a man of such success and fame dive into the dank and otherwise uninhabitable confines of hosting a game show? Well, I learned a thing or two about Regis over the years, and it just so happens that if you crumple up a ten spot and throw it in front of a fully stocked Mack truck he'll jump in front of it and brush it off The Thing style. Of course, Regis was seen as being imperative to the show's longevity. He cracked jokes of well-intention like “A police officer?! Well please don't arrest me!” and “A school teacher?! Well please don't send me to the principal!” His “Is that your final answer?” has made the most appearances on t-shirts and bumper stickers since the American flag during a time when patriotism stirred within even the meekest plebeian. You know, it was one of those lines you expected relatives to use at family functions for a cheap laugh, only everyone there blows an artery in hysterics. I swear when somebody turns 40 a transistor blows in their head that makes everything identifiable funny. It's almost like they don't expect to remember pop-culture references anymore, so when they do, it's funny! Well I guess Regis was the perfect man for the job since the show was nothing more than a test with cash prizes. Hell, I watched it. It received such good reviews that it switched from a weekly to week-daily format. During primetime. How popular did they think this game could get? They were now competing with every other network's primetime hits with a single show. It was a desperation act, but it sure is hard to argue with results. I'm sure Regis must have loved this extra flow of income, but sitting in a chair and talking for 3-4 hours a day can really begin to take its toll on a guy. I once saw Louie Anderson on an E! Special bitching about how he had to tape “Family Feud” 3 or 4 times a day. At least now those with comfy manual labor positions can appreciate how torturous and agonizing a business being a game show host must be.
Howie Mandel
Host of: "Deal or No Deal"
I'll get to Howie in a minute. I first want to ruin this game for anyway who enjoyed it/doesn't understand math. The concept of the game is simple. You choose a briefcase at random from 26, each of which contains a monetary value. Slowly the remaining 25 are revealed, narrowing down your briefcase's possibilities. You can win in two ways: you can go the distance and eventually reveal what is in your case, or you can accept an offer to stop playing. The offers are the only element of the game that the contestant actually plays, since choosing briefcases is random. The offers made are either worth taking or not worth taking, making this not a game of decision making, but rather a game of being an idiot or not. You total up the total amount of money “still available” (still in briefcases) and divide it by the number of total briefcases. If the offer is below this figure say “no deal”. If it's above it say “deal”. Now that we can all agree that the game is stupid let's make fun of the guy from “Bobby's World”. Come on, it'll be fun. Howie Mandel's problem is that he treats the game very seriously. “There's no skill”, he admits, yet he feigns interest and tugs people along into thinking that a very tough decision is at hand. “The Banker” calls Howie via telephone (What? No floating face orb? No PA system, even?) and tells him what the offer is. Howie deliberates for a few moments, asks “Do you want to know what his offer is?”, the contestant screams “Yes! Yes! Please tell me God damnit tell me right now!”, and he says “It's a looooot of money, are you sure you want to know?”, and the contestant responds “Why would I be less inclined to know how much it is when it's a large sum?! Just tell me you faggot!”. He then tells them a figure roughly 3-8% less than their expected return and they clasp their hands over their mouths and laugh and think about it for 20 minutes and say things like “Well, I could really use that million dollars!” to which Howie makes some joke referencing information the contestant unveiled earlier like “You could buy your cat a lot of toys with that money” or “I bet your husband would like a new rifle” and they ultimately say “NO DEAL BANKAH I WANT THAT MILLION BUCKS YOU HEAR ME YOU SON OF A BITCH NO DEAL”. Howie Mandel was worried that taking the job might hurt his career. One is then inclined to ask, “What career? You make guest appearances on ‘The Tonight Show' for free. The best thing you could do for your career is grow a moptop and join an underground emo band.” Since hen does Howie Mandel have anything going for him better than hosting a game show? It was a godsend that he tried to use to boost his ego, thinking that maybe hosting a game show was beneath him. The only thing I see beneath Mr. Mandel in the next few years is an unsteady stool ready to be kicked and forgotten.
Tom Bergeron
Host of: "Hollywood Squares"
This poor, poor man. If I may dumb down this complex game, two contestants play tic-tac-toe while washed up celebrities recite strictly rehearsed jokes. He's forced to sit through the likes of Caroline Rhea, Whoopi Goldberg, and fucking Bruce Vilanch. Thank god he didn't drag Bette Midler down with him. Not that I like Bette Midler…
. Honestly, all Mr. Bergeron does is ask tasteless trivia questions and choke down comedic gems like “Well if I were a camel I'd study up on the ‘Camel Sutra'! (laugh track) Seriously, though, the answer is missionary.” Worst of all Bergeron is actually shadowed by these celebrities. Can you imagine being surrounded by the former cast members of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and being the least appreciated? The rest of the man's career isn't much better. He took over “ America 's Funniest Home Videos” well after the public had already said “Alright, alright. We get it.” If he were well known enough to be on “Dancing with the Stars” or “Making Funnel Cake with the Stars” I'm sure he'd jump at the opportunity. Anything has to be better than wiping the spittle from Gilbert Gottfried's chin. The worst part is that he seems to embrace the show, like it was his life calling. He has to realize what kind of position he's in. I imagine it's the same type of mindset that Tom Hanks had in “The Ladykillers”. You know that sort of “Fuck it, the pay is good. Screw public response” approach. I guess it's easier to swallow when a network executive flashes 6 figures in front of you. Come to papa.
Now I had plenty of fun ragging on these gentlemen, but it really comes out of deep envy. Being a game show host is one of the few professions I would jump on in a heartbeat. The only problem that comes with being a game show host is not looking like a massive idiot, which few have managed to do. Ascending to this pantheon would be the equivalent of curing a life-threatening disease or hitting 700 taters. To those who have, I salute thee, and to the rest that fell short, well if I didn't mention you here I'll probably run out of ideas for articles in the near future and get you in round 2. |
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