I Liked The Food Network Better When It Was Underground.

I'm not big on the re-do. Sometimes I read through my archives, and I wince at posts I never bothered to spell check, or I regret saying something especially hateful (I've turned into a softie in my old age). Despite this, I rarely if ever go in and make any changes. My posts are like my tattoos: When my mother snidely condescends that I'll regret getting them when I'm 50 and a grandma, I try to explain that (while they probably won't look so hot by then) if that's where my life was at the time, then the tattoo will exist as a memory of that. No regrets. The only difference is that none of my tattoos will inevitably be lost to the ether when Justin deletes them in a fit of drunken fury.

Despite this, I've always had some problems with my Food Network list. Mostly because a large portion of the people I put on the list are either gone, on their way out, or such parodies of themselves that you only watch because of your sick sense of pathos. It just rubs me the wrong way. Plus I put two Iron Chefs on the list. And while I love Iron Chef, not only is it slowly being phased out in favor of Iron Chef: America (which I've developed at least a toleration for), but it's just... .you can't really point to Hiroyuki Sakai and say, "Man, that dude's potato salad recipe looks KILLER." Iron Chef is still enjoyable foodgasm, but it's not really a cooking show, per se. And in re-doing this list, I wanted to focus more on the cooking shows. Because that, moreso than Mark Summers explaining how a tootsie pop is made, is why I still love the network so much.

14. Anthony Bourdain

Shows: N/A

Gains points for: "A Cook's Tour" is a legitimately interesting show. It features a man with a very real knowledge and love of food, seeking out the most substantial culinary experiences he can, worldwide. And he does it without being all, "Hi folks! We're here today in Casa Verde New Mexico, in search of the world's greatest chili ree-lay-nos! DOYYYYYY."
Loses points for: With his ever-present cigarette, leather jacket, and obvious need to always look cool and detached, he's kind of the Food Network Spike.

New thoughts: Tony's show doesn't air on the Food network anymore. For that matter, he's gone on record several times sharply criticizing the network, and referring to their poster girl Rachael Ray as a "bobble head." So why is he still here? Frankly, there aren't enough people left on the network that I enjoy to fill out a list anymore. I couldn't even get to 15.

13. Sandra Lee

Show: "Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee"

Gains points for: Finally being up front about the fact that not every dish has to be one hundred percent from scratch. Sometimes you can use a read-made pie crust without shame.
Loses points for: Reminding me way to damn much of Anne Coulter.

New thoughts: I gave Sandy waaaay too much of a pass last time. I stand by my position that you can be a good cook and take short-cuts. Kool whip doesn't make you a loser. This is still my position. But I have a new, parallel position. That position is that Sandra Lee's cooking looks like ass. Angry ass. Russian Hockey team angry ass. And it's not even the food that makes Semi-Ho so hard to watch. It's the kitchen that magically changes colors to match Sandy's outfit, and the big fake boobs, and the razor cheekbones, and OH GOD the tablescapes. Furthermore, Sis, I know you love the sauce and all, but adding "rita" or "tini" to the end of whatever batch of hootch you've whipped up most recently in an effort to get through the day does not a cocktail make. A "beergarita" is a cute thought, but I'm pretty sure that's just a beer you put some shit in.

Ugh. Fucking tablescapes.

12. Emeril Lagasse

Shows: "The Essence of Emeril," "Emeril Live"

Gains points for: Being the only person to pull off a live cooking show. I mean, people pay money, to sit in a room, and watch him cook. Without even the prospect of getting some of the food. It's mind boggling. Though now that I think about it, the Galloping Gourmet had a live audience. He was a funny drunk. So okay, Emeril's the second guy.
Loses points for: I'm an Emeril apologist. I don't find him nearly as irritating as some people do. But damn dude, who thought the sitcom was a good idea?

New thoughts: Emeril has made 1500+ episodes of "Emeril Live." Wrap your head around that. Three or four dishes and episode, in front of 150 or so people, 1500 times. Like him or not, that's pretty damned impressive. I have trouble getting through a week without trying to convince myself that dill pickle potato chips and a Wal-Mart rotisserie chicken is an acceptable dinner.

More important (to me, anyway) than that is the fact that "The Essence of Emeril" which 10 years ago built this network, has once again become one of the better shows to watch for actual cooking. Emeril's mellowed out a lot, and when it's just him in the kitchen he lacks a lot of the traits that make "Emeril Live" so damn irritating. He's much quieter, there's no (or very little) "BAM"-ing, and you're spared the surreality of a large group of adults fucking orgasming every time he says "garlic." He's just a guy who likes cooking, and wants to show you how. I really missed that.

11. Rachael Ray

Shows: "30 Minute Meals" "About Five Other Shows I Don't Give a Shit About"

Gains points for: Being adorable and chirpy and peppy about her food without making me want to pick up steak knives with my eyeballs. Also, the 30 minute meal gimmick is so appealing that I'm constantly making note to try out her recipes, then consequently forgetting that I'm broke and can only make generic Kroger brand Tuna Magic. Not that I'm dissing the Tuna Magic, it's hearty and delicious.
Loses points for: Making B yell "RARRR I'M FROM THE NORTH" every time he sees her on screen.

New thoughts: There's a fairly large anti- Ray Ray sentiment in the world now, and it's not hard to understand why. With the chirpiness and the Yum-O and the EVOO, she's gone from overly peppy to a fucking cartoon character. Anyone remember that Eddie Izzard bit about how your perception to others is based not on what you say, but more on how you look when you're saying it? I think if one of our hearing impaired friends were to turn on an episode of "30 Minute Meals" completely out of context they wouldn't think "cooking show" so much as "some chick in mom jeans miming an entire Gilber & Sullivan musical." Though how a deaf person would be that familiar with musical theater is something we shan't put too much thought into.

Rachael remains on the list because, frankly, I still watch her show all the damn time. It's difficult not to, as much as they air it, although I admit up front that I think her new talk will make me want to put a boot in her garbage bowl. I will also admit that since my previous listing I've still not yet made a single one of her increasingly fugly looking dishes. I've heard from Progressive Boink Staff Member Lindy, however, that it's all pretty bland when made at home. For that matter, I'd have to imagine that all facets of Rachael Ray's life are bland. Though if it suddenly came out in the press that she was really into butt plugs and choke-sex, I might finally be inspired to make her jerky turkey burgers.

10. Giada de Laurentiis

Shows: "Everyday Italian," "Behind the Bash."

Gains points for: I always assumed the Giada was just some rich pretty girl trophy wife who took up cooking because she had nothing better to do. But it turns out she attended Le Cordon Bleu, and is classically trained. So, bully for her.
Loses points for: She's the granddaughter of famous film producer Dino De Laurentiis, whose son Aurelio (also a producer) is most recently responsible for... you guessed it, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. More importantly, however, is her tendency to speak clear, west coast English, but then over pronounce any Italian words in her sentences. Example: "For this recipe well need pasta, salt, tomatoes, and freshly shredded MO-ZAH-RRREH-LAH."

New thoughts: Just one: Having big boobs is nice and all, but jesus. Put the girls away.

9. Nigella Lawson

Shows: "Nigella Feasts"

What I said last time: N/A

New thoughts: Nigella's show hasn't actually debuted on the Food Network yet, but I've put her on the list anyway because I'm so damned excited about it. If I were writing this after the debut, she'd probably be all the way at the top.

For those not familiar with my work, Nigella Lawson is an affluent British woman who came to fame for her mellow, "anybody can do this" approach to cooking. The main problem I have with the Food Network as of late is it's penchant to diss cooking as a cumbersome act the today's woman (or man) doesn't have time for. That's why people like Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee have come to such prominence, but convincing the masses that no one has time to prepare a meal anymore, but they can slop some shit together and still impress the neighbors. Nigella takes the opposite approach, looking at food and cooking is a fun, relaxing thing to do. Work, taxes, interacting with other people... that's the hard shit. Baking a cake is AWESOME.

It also doesn't hurt that's she's kind of a doll. Whereas there are as many people attracted to Giada as there are people who think she's Little Big Head, Nigella is pretty va-va-voom across the board. And who doesn't love the idea of a saucy lady with an English accent saying, "slut-red raspberries in Chardonnay Jelly"?

8. Sara Moulton

Show: "Sara's Secrets"

Gains points for: She manages to talk on air about her kids all the time without ever being up in my grill Kathie Lee style.
Loses points for: She's always talking over her guests and being all Grabby Graberson. I used to really dislike Sara. But now that I'm an old lady who never watches anything but the food network, I have to accept her. 'Cause I don't have any real friends, only my magic tv cooking friends. And I love them all. Except Bobby Flay. FUCK BOBBY FLAY.

New thoughts: My thoughts on Sara are pretty much the same as last time. But they cancelled her show because she doesn't fit their target demographic (which is, amazingly, 18-34 year old males), so I gave her a pity bump.

7. Paula Deen

Shows: "Paula's Home Cooking," "Paula's Party."

What I said Last Time: N/A

New thoughts: Paula seems to be falling prey to the same cartoonyness that has overcome Rachael Ray. It's not as evident with Paula, mostly because she was pretty wacky to begin with, but I have a sinking suspicion that in 3 or 4 years she'll be unmatchable. Some would argue she already is, with her penchant for butter and mayonnaise. I think she'd roll a head of iceberg lettuce in mayo and deep fry the sucker if she thought it would hold. I personally find her charming. I'm from the South (arguably), and I have the same sort of upbringing as Paula, learning all I know about food from the women in my family passing down recipes much older than I am. When my family cooks, they don't make seared ahi tuna on a bed of micro greens with a light lemon vinaigrette, they make potato soup and cornbread. I have a love for both styles of cooking, but it's nice to have someone like Paula around to remind us that sometimes wrapping it in bacon and frying it isn't such a bad thing.

6. Bobby Flay

Shows: "Grilling," "I like to grill," "Grilling is cool," "Barbecue is pretty sweet too," "But I really like grilling," "Iron Chef America"

What I Said Last Time: FUCK BOBBY FLAY

New thoughts: I know. I know! I've sold out. I thought the day would never come that I'd put The Pasty Wonder on my list. And in the top 10, no less! But here's the thing: The Food Network... Kind of sucks right now. I still watch it approximately 37 hours a day, and I still ogle all of their cookbooks in the mall, but the entire network has turned into an hour and a half of cooking stuffed between 217 episodes of "Unwrapped" and "The 7th Annual Some Dude Builds a 10 ft. tall cake and then has to carry it through a pit of molten hot magma" competition. In the middle of all this is Bobby Flay. When I wrote my last list he had something like six shows airing on the channel, most of which were just different variations on Flay standing in from of a barbecue and looking smug. Now, he has just two (I may be learning to enjoy Iron Chef: America, but I still won't accept it as anything but a pale substitute. I'll be cold in my grave before I recognize Missoura), "Boy Meets Grill" and "Throwdown." While "Boy Meets Grill" may be, you guessed it, Flay standing in front of a barbecue, on a network that's "Way More Than Cooking," and is painfully devoid of the chef-behind-a-counter format that I grew up on, it's actually becoming one of my favorites. What can I say? The jerkass makes good food. He's even toned down the smug. Whereas he used to be such a shithead that I couldn't even watch his shows, now I just tend to think, "eh, it's probably just 'cause he's from New York."

Even his newest show, "Throwdown," the premise of which is basically, "hey guy, you're pretty good at making chowder/steak/pizza/love/etc. Let me try making it like once, and then see if I can do it better," doesn't annoy me like it should. I will say this though: most of my enjoyment of this show can be credited to the sassy ladies that Flay keeps around for help in the kitchen. They regularly take the piss out of him, and don't even seem to like or respect him half the time. They warm my heart.

5. Mario Batali

Shows: "Molto Mario," "Iron Chef America"

Gains points for: His adorable orange clogs. And also for being one of the few guys still around (and on the same show!) from the Old Guard, back when I first started watching the Food Network. I mean, has anyone seen Ming Tsai since that flavored coffee commercial? Have I managed to alienate my entire readership by doing an entire post about television chefs? Ferris Bueller will you please answer the question Claire?
Loses points for: Mario, hon, I know it's not easy being both fat and jolly in today's world. But when you pose for pictures wearing a sausage scarf, and you title your show "Mario Eats Italy" ... you're just being a glutton for punishment. And deli meats. Sweet sweet deli meats.

New thoughts: I recently found out that Mario's show has been cancelled. There is some discrepancy about whether he was actually cancelled, or just decided to halt production of "Molto Mario" after a gillion seasons. If it was his decision to quit, good for him. He's made enough shows to stay in syndication for the rest of his natural life, and his legacy is sealed. If they actually cancelled him... boo-urns. Some didn't like his style (I've heard the comment that he looks "unclean" several times, but I don't see it) but it's hard to argue that he had a lot to teach about the history and culture of Italian food. Whereas Giada's show (love it though I do) is much more hand holding and "this dish comes from Si-cil-y. Can you say Si-cil-y? Goooooood. WATER HELEN WATER," Mario's all, "okay, bitches, let me tell you the exact street on which and time of day when this sauce was invented. You want some of this? What? Don't mess around with the man in clogs, motherfucker."

4. Tyler Florence

Shows: "Food 911," "How to Boil Water"

Gains points for: Being my own personal angel of the centerfold. 'Cause like, when you take a nice, normal sized guy, from the South, who sports glasses and can cook? That's my dream boat. Well he would be, if I didn't already have a guy just like that. *mwah!*
Loses points for: Flirting with every single female he encounters on "Food 911," despite the fact that most of them look like Mrs. Ochmonek from "ALF."

New thoughts: Nothing much has changed with Tyler. No new shows, no new irritating qualities, he's not even around that much anymore. Still want to bone him though. Or be boned, I guess?

The only reason he dropped a couple of spots on the list this year is because, as I said last time, his tendency to " " has become increasingly more obvious and bothersome. Seriously. Half the women he cooks with swoon over him like he just finished going down on them. The only time I've ever seen him cook with a dude was when he did an episode of "Food 911" with that cock from Smashmouth, and even fatty looked a bit moist... .I will say, however, that "Tyler Florence: Eating Out" is a show I'd totally watch.

3. Ina Garten

Shows: "Barefoot Contessa"

What I said last time: N/A

New thoughts: I left Ina off of my last list, because I thought her show was kind of boring and hard to watch. Oh, how wrong I was. Oh, how I love my Ina.

Ina Garten, though not classically trained, gained exposure through a popular specialty foods store that she opened in the Hamptons, which led to a series of cookbooks and finally her show. She taught herself to cook after getting married by working her way through Julia Child's "The Art of French Cooking" (an admirable feat). And though her show is very subdued and well... food porn-y, I really could just watch her cook all day long.

More than that, I'd really like to be her. I'd love to be a fabulously wealthy woman of a certain age, who lives in a giant house on the beach and spends her weeks cooking decadent meals for her cadre of gay florist friends, and cooks roast chicken every Friday when her adorable nebbish husband comes home from his job as Dean of an Ivy League university. That would truly be the life.

2. Dave Lieberman

Shows: "Good Deal with Dave Lieberman," "Dave Does" (web only)

What I said last time: N/A

New thoughts: Okay, the real reason that Tyler was bumped down the list is because he's been replaced as my Food Network boyfriend by Dave Lieberman. Dave is a Yale graduate who came to semi-notoriety by filming a show while still in college called "Campus Cuisine." Now he's come to the Food Network with his show "Good Deal" which is pitched as a way to show broke ass 20-somethings that they too can afford to cook with fresh or exotic ingredients. It's a great idea, though I have to assume that a "good deal" to an Ivy league graduate who works in New York City as a personal chef varies greatly from a "good deal" to the rest of us. "Good Deal w/ Emily Rowley" would be all about how to cook new dishes every night with nothing but garlic salt and a moldy orange in your pantry, and how to make ramen on a hot plate. I'm broke y'all. Send donations accordingly.

Anyone who has every read anything I've ever written ever knows that I also really like his show because he's kind of a dreamboat. Though possibly gay. Not that gay would make me like him less. It would probably make me like him more. Because I'm a fucking hag. Next week I'm posting a list about 20 awesome reasons to watch the Logo network. They all involve "Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City" and Olympia Dukakis' dick.

1. Alton Brown

Shows: "Good Eats," "Feasting on Asphalt"

Gains points for: Falling somewhere between Beakman and Ron Popeil, Alton Brown is basically the Thomas Dolby of the network, finding new ways each week to blind us with the science of food. Like, the guy does an entire episode about yeast and I'm fascinated. Who knew learning about the molecular structure of condiments was so damned interesting? Alton did, and that's why I've christened him my Food Dad.
Loses points for: Though admittedly the only bright spot, I have to dock some points from anyone who willingly participated in "Iron Chef America."

New thoughts: I know I spend a lot of time fawning over the cute boys, but the reality is that I'd pick Alton Brown for a torrid affair any day. Sure, he's married. Sure, he's a nerd. Sure, "Feasting on Asphalt" showcased a lot more squishy middle than he's ever shown on "Good Eats," but I don't care. Alton Brown: I love you, and I want to be your woman, White Town style.

There's not anything new I can say about his show, because it remains consistent in all of the ways that made us all love him in the first place. That's how he's remained number one on my list, and in my heart. Plus, think of all the wonderful dirty connotations you can come up with about the term "uni-tasker."

HA HA, THOUGHT I'D END IT ON A CLASSY NOTE, DIDN'T YA? FUCK SANDRA LEE I'M OUT.