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15
Greatest Food Networkers
October 26th, 2004
Hey kids. I was sitting around today, wondering why it's been a month since I posted. It occured to me that I've just had no drive, no ambition, nothing has inspired me. Shortly after came the realization that this stalemate is due to the fact that I've shut myself off from popular culture. I don't know whats funny. I don't know what the cool kids are watching or listening to. I'm out of the loop. And it's because I do NOTHING but watch the Food Network all day long. I might as well just turn in my resignation and join the Red Hat Society. In the interim, here's a bunch of jokes that will only be funny to ladies who run "Build-A-Bear" kiosks in the mall. I'll be back in a couple of months with 50 pictures of the Home Shopping Network I took with my camera phone.
15. Dweezil & Lisa
Hosts of: "Dweezil & Lisa"
Generic Food Network description: Rock musicians and food lovers Dweezil
Zappa and Lisa Loeb are hitting the road in search of musical and culinary adventures.
From dining on Southern specialties with the Indigo Girls in Atlanta, to chowin' down at
the Zappa family's breakfast pancake party, this dynamic duo is out to find good times and
great food. Join them as they discover new regional culinary delights with famous chefs
and friends across the country.
Sample Dish: Scott
Peacock's Butterbean Hummus
Gains points for: I love food. Making it, eating it, observing it,
everything. So it always pleases me for some reason to know that any random celebrity is a
foodie like me. Not in the, "People always tell me I'm too thin but I eat all the
time I eat more than my boyfriend hee hee excuse me I have to go to the bathroom"
kind of way, but in the, "hey Dweezil let's hang out and have a cooking show. Don't
invite Ahmet" way.
Loses points for: I've never seen "Dweezil & Lisa," I just
thought the name was funny.
14. Sandra Lee
Host(s) of: "Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee"
Generic Food Network description: In an atmosphere as inviting as her
recipes, Sandra Lee, author of the best-selling cookbook Semi-Homemade Cooking, shares her
techniques for combining fresh ingredients with specially selected store-bought items. The
result? Mouthwatering meals and desserts, prepared in minutes, that taste like they were
made from scratch. Now you can see why consumers, viewers, and celebrities from Katie
Couric to Nathan Lane have made Sandra Lee one of America’s most sought-after
culinary experts!
Sample dish: Wonton
Napoleons
Gains points for: Finally being up front about the fact that not every
dish has to be one hundred percent from scratch. Sometimes you can use a read-made pie
crust without shame.
Loses points for: Reminding me way to damn much of Anne Coulter.
13. Jacques Torres
Host(s) of: "Chocolate with Jacques Torres," "Passion for
Dessert with Jacques Torres"
Generic Food Network description: World-famous pastry chef and
chocolatier extraordinaire, Jacques Torres, explores the fascinating and sensual world of
chocolate. Journey with Jacques through the US and France as he searches for the ultimate
chocolate creations, made by some of the world's top chocolate artisans. Then Jacques will
teach you the inside tips and techniques so you can make your own sumptuous chocolate
desserts, as well as soaring sculptures and pieces of edible art, all out of chocolate.
Sample dish: Eiffel
Freakin' Tower
Gains points for: A LADY MADE
ENTIRELY OUT OF CHOCOLATE WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY???
Loses points for: Not to, you know, sound like a jingoistic a-hole or
anything. But his accent is kind of stupid.
12. Jamie Oliver
Host(s) of: "The Naked Chef," "Oliver's Twist,"
"Jamie's Kitchen"
Generic Food Network description: Sorry to disappoint you--it's not the
chef that's naked, it's the food! From the producers of Two Fat Ladies comes The Naked
Chef, featuring 20-something British sensation Jamie Oliver. Streetwise and passionate
about food, Jamie is at the cutting edge of modern life and modern cooking. With his
principle of stripping down recipes to their bare essentials, Jamie cooks for friends and
family with maximum flavor and minimum effort.
Sample dish: Prawn Risotto
Gains points for: Remaining attractive to me, despite doing that
irritating British dialect in which "th" sounds come out like an "f."
Example: "Today I was finkin' I might cook some fings wif ingredients I found in me
pantry. Also Bobby poncer loo." SPEAK THE KING'S ENGLISH MAN!!
Loses points for: Never making anything that looks remotely appealing to
eat. That picture isn't even his dish. They don't show pictures of his stuff on
foodtv.com, so I had to steal someone else's prawn risotto so textual Jamie Oliver didn't
feel bad.
11. Sara Moulton
Host(s) of: "Sara's Secrets," "Cooking Live"
Generic Food Network description: Sara Moulton, the executive chef of
Gourmet magazine, is back in the kitchen with great recipes and terrific techniques
specifically focused to fit your busy lifestyle. Top chefs, cookbook authors, and the best
food specialists from around the world drop by frequently, and each weeknight Sara brings
you the insider secrets that professionals use to save time and money while making every
dish picture-perfect. Sara helps you make the best possible a minimum of fuss and a
maximum of flavor.
Sample dish: Scallop
Salad
Gains points for: She manages to talk on air about her kids all the time
without ever being up in my grill Kathie Lee style.
Loses points for: She's always talking over her guests and being all
Grabby Graberson. I used to really dislike Sara. But now that I'm an old lady who never
watches anything but the food network, I have to accept her. 'Cause I don't have any real
friends, only my magic tv cooking friends. And I love them all. Except Bobby Flay. FUCK
BOBBY FLAY.
10. Tony Bourdain
Host(s) of: "A Cook's Tour"
Generic Food Network description: A Cook's Tour takes us along for a ride
with chef/writer Tony Bourdain as he travels to more than a dozen countries in search of
rare, legendary and sometimes dangerous foods. Some of the locales and delicacies are
challenging, others are more familiar...from the heart of dark Cambodia to the streets of
sun drenched Los Angeles. "There's no script, there's really scary locations,"
says Bourdain, "It's very different."
Sample dish: None. Since the Cook was presumably always touring, he was
never in the kitchen making stuff. So as a consolation prize, here's James Earl Jones
eating a hot dog.
Gains points for: "A Cook's Tour" is a legitimately interesting
show. It features a man with a very real knowledge and love of food, seeking out the most
substantial culinary experiences he can, worldwide. And he does it without being all,
"Hi folks! We're here today in Casa Verde New Mexico, in search of the world's
greatest chili ree-lay-nos! DOYYYYYY."
Loses points for: With his ever-present cigarette, leather jacket, and
obvious need to always look cool and detached, he's kind of the Food Network
Spike.
9. Mark Summers
Host(s) of: "Unwrapped," "What (Na na na na nana na na)
Would (na na na NA na na na) You (na na na na nana na na) YOU DO?"
Generic Food Network description: Ever wondered where the tiny
marshmallows in your breakfast cereal came from? Have we got a show for you! Each week,
Unwrapped uncovers behind-the-scenes details on classic American food, from peanut butter
and chocolate syrup to French fries and bubble gum. Join host Marc Summers as he explores
the test kitchens and the secrets behind lunch box treats, soda pop, movie candy, and
more. Unwrapped--the show for everyone who's ever worn a pair of wax lips.
Sample dish: Presumably a tin pan filled with whipped cream and hurled at
the face of someone's dad.
Gains points for: The Pie Pod
Loses points for: Being super obsessive compulsive. Which means he spends
the majority of every episode seated an unmoving. Assumedly between takes he frantically
applies hand sanitizer and tries to count the number of germs on the twinkie he just
picked up until his eye starts to twitch.
8. Mario Batali
Host(s) of: "Molto Mario," "Ciao America with Mario
Batali," "Mario Eats Italy"
Generic Food Network description: Freshness and simplicity are the keys
to Mario Batali's spectacular Italian cuisine. Molto Mario brings these principles
home--it's a culinary tour of Italy with tips and secrets from one of New York's premier
chefs.
Sample dish: Hamburger
Gains points for: His adorable orange clogs. And also for being one of
the few guys still around (and on the same show!) from the Old Guard, back when I first
started watching the Food Network. I mean, has anyone seen Ming Tsai since that flavored
coffee commercial? Have I managed to alienate my entire readership by doing an entire post
about television chefs? Ferris Bueller will you please answer the question Claire?
Loses points for: Mario, hon, I know it's not easy being both fat and
jolly in today's world. But when you pose for pictures wearing a sausage scarf, and you
title your show "Mario Eats Italy" . . . you're just being a glutton for
punishment. And deli meats. Sweet sweet deli meats.
7. Emeril Lagasse
Host(s) of: "Emeril Live,"
"The Essence of Emeril"
Generic Food Network description: Kick it up to notches unknown with
Emeril Live. In front of a live audience, Emeril Lagasse--a master chef and owner ofNew
Orleans' most talked-about restaurants--demonstrates gourmet cooking, with a bam!
Sample dish: Tuna
with Tomato Escabeche
Gains points for: Being the only person to pull off a live cooking show.
I mean, people pay money, to sit in a room, and watch him cook. Without even the prospect
of getting some of the food. It's mind boggling. Though now that I think about it, the
Galloping Gourmet had a live audience. He was a funny drunk. So okay, Emeril's the second
guy.
Loses points for: I'm an Emeril apologist. I don't find him nearly as
irritating as some people do. But damn dude, who thought the sitcom was a good idea?
6. Giada De Laurentiis
Host(s) of: "Everyday Italian"
Generic Food Network description: Italians are masters at
transformingsimple, everyday ingredients into dishes that are quick, healthy and
satisfying. In Everyday Italian, Chef Giada De Laurentiis shares updated versions of the
homey recipes she grew up with in her Italian family. She'll show you easy dishes that are
perfect for every occasion: a weeknight meal, entertaining a crowd, or a cozy dinner for
two. Buon appetito!
Sample dish: Pasta
Primavera
Gains points for: I always assumed the Giada was just some rich pretty
girl trophy wife who took up cooking because she had nothing better to do. But it turns
out she attended Le Cordon Bleu, and is classically trained. So, bully for her.
Loses points for: She's the granddaughter of famous film producer Dino De
Laurentiis, whose son Aurelio (also a producer) is most recently responsible for. . . you
guessed it, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. More importantly, however, is her
tendency to speak clear, west coast English, but then over pronounce any Italian words in
her sentences. Example: "For this recipe well need pasta, salt, tomatoes, and freshly
shredded MO-ZAH-RRREH-LAH." For those of you just tuning in, it's We Hate the Foreign
week here at Progressive Boink!
5. Rachael Ray
Host(s) of: "30 Minute Meals," "$40 Dollars a Day,"
"Inside Dish with Rachel Ray"
Generic Food Network description: Would you believe you can make
impressive and delectable meals at home in less time than it takes to get takeout? Let
Rachael Ray show you how easy it can be. From comfort food to sophisticated fare for
entertaining, Rachael promises that her dazzling dishes will never take more than 30
minutes to make, from start to finish. Now you can put great food on the table, and still
have time to enjoy your family, friends or tackle that home improvement projectyou've been
waiting to get your hands on.
Sample dish: French Bread
Pizza
Gains points for: Being adorable and chirpy and peppy about her food
without making me want to pick up steak knives with my eyeballs. Also, the 30 minute meal
gimmick is so appealing that I'm constantly making note to try out her recipes, then
consequently forgetting that I'm broke and can only make generic Kroger brand Tuna Magic.
Not that I'm dissing the Tuna Magic, it's hearty and delicious.
Loses points for: Making B yell "RARRR I'M FROM THE NORTH"
every time he sees her on screen.
4. Masaharu Morimoto
Host(s) of: Not a host, but a Mean MFin' Servant of God
Iron Chef
Generic Food Network description: Get ready for the seaweed and giant
eels to start flying as Ultimate Fighting Champion meets Julia Child in this
Japanese-language hit. Each week, after the surprise ingredient is revealed, the
challenger and the Iron Chef face off in a frenetic culinary battle. The guest panel
judges the menus to determine who is victorious and who is vanquished. No matter whether
the Iron Chef defends his title--you, the viewer, always win.
Sample dish: The Iron Chef has answered with six dishes this evening. .
.
Gains points for: Essentially being the star of a food-centric game show,
but always looking like he was two seconds away from snapping and killing everyone in the
room with nun-chucks and spears.
Loses points for: Not building his restaurant, Morimoto's, here in
Roanoke. And then pricing everything under ten dollars.
3. Hiroyuki Sakai
Host(s) of: See Morimoto's entry, but add in a lifetime of sage wisdom.
And a jaunty red hat.
Generic Food Network description: Get ready for the seaweed and giant
eels to start flying as Ultimate Fighting Champion meets Julia Child in this
Japanese-language hit. Each week, after the surprise ingredient is revealed, the
challenger and the Iron Chef face off in a frenetic culinary battle. The guest panel
judges the menus to determine who is victorious and who is vanquished. No matter whether
the Iron Chef defends his title--you, the viewer, always win.
Sample dish: Multiple
foodgasms
Gains points for: Lighting up my life. And sea urchins.
Loses points for: Sakai remains undefeated in my heart. ALSO FUCK BOBBY
FLAY.
2. Tyler Florence
Host(s) of: "Food 911," "Tyler's Ultimate," "All
American Festivals," "How to Boil Water"
Generic Food Network description: Suffering from food dilemmas? Food 911
to the rescue. From kitchen chaos to deflated souffle from lacking time to lacking thyme,
each week chef Tyler Florence has an easy and enjoyable solution. So the next time your
turkey catches fire, tune your television dial to Food 911.
Sample dish: Paella
Valenciana
Gains points for: Being my own personal angel of the centerfold. 'Cause
like, when you take a nice, normal sized guy, from the South, who sports glasses and can
cook? That's my dream boat. Well he would be, if I didn't already have a guy just like
that. *mwah!*
Loses points for: Flirting with every single female he encounters on
"Food 911," despite the fact that most of them look like Mrs. Ochmonek from
"ALF."
1. Alton Brown
Host(s) of: "Good Eats"
Generic Food Network description: Pop culture, comedy, and plain good
eating: Host Alton Brown explores the origins of ingredients, decodes culinary customs and
presents food and equipment trends. Punctuated by unusual interludes, simple preparations
and unconventional discussions, he'll bring you food in its finest and funniest form..
Sample dish: Mayonnaise
Gains points for: Falling somewhere between Beakman and Ron Popeil, Alton
Brown is basically the Thomas Dolby of the network, finding new ways each week to blind us
with the science of food. Like, the guy does an entire episode about yeast and I'm
fascinated. Who knew learning about the molecular structure of condiments was so damned
interesting? Alton did, and that's why I've christened him my Food Dad.
Loses points for: Though admittedly the only bright spot, I have to dock
some points from anyone who willingly participated in "Iron Chef America." FUCK
BOBBY FLAY THE END.
emily
AIM:
Roxymoron87
[email protected]
