Ferris and the Gang
Where are they now?

written by Ronin - septenber 9 - 2003

You know, me being the seasoned surfer I am, I’ve been to a lot of sites that dish on 80’s kitsch and such. I’ve read quite a few good articles that made me chuckle with nostalgia, or grimace at the fact that I, too used to tightroll my jeans. In any case, me being the narcissistic bastard I am, all the while I was reading those articles, I always had it in the back of my mind how I would have written the article, how I would have made it better.

Submitted for your approval - an article that tracks not the lives of the actors who went on to flop or fame. No, this article give us a peek into that dank, sometimes smelly netherworld, one parallel to our own. One in which Matthew Broderick IS Ferris Beuller. One in which the oh-so-tasty Mia Sara never got old and disappeared from the limelight. And perhaps, just as is likely to be the case, with some parallels to our own reality, i.e. the nameless thug just passing through the judicial system, looking for love, that we find in Charlie Sheen. Who did these people, who are so immortalized in our pop culture by the arguably deft touch of John Hughes, grow up to be?

We may have never known. Until now. Yes, Virginia, it’s the first ever Where Are They Now - ProgressiveBoink Edition.

Yes, yes. The coolest white boy to ever live. It was said by many that he would grow up to be president. But he decided on a more giving role. After many years partying on a large majority of college campuses and working his way through the nation’s available stock of co-ed’s, Ferris awoke one dusky March afternoon and found that he was somehow only 2 credits short of an Education degree.

Despite the fun times to be had in college, he realized that everyone has to move on sometime, yet with his degree he also, as is his wont, found a way to regress while simultaneously moving up in the world. He became a quite well-liked teacher (voted Teacher Of the Year 3 times) at the very high school he despised so much and became the de facto mentor of the student government. Somewhere along the lines, and in the midst of charges of assault and meddling too much in a Student Body President election, Bueller dropped off the map, with rumors surfacing some years later that he had driven himself mad. Even the best laid plans by the best laid people can get all messy and gummed up in the end, I guess. There were also rumors just recently that current presidential running mate, Tracy Flick was somehow involved in the incidents leading up to Bueller’s departure, but these rumors are unconfirmed and all sources mentioning the incidents in question seem to have been destroyed.

Camron was everyone’s favorite neurotic bundle of nerves. Once his father started talking to him again after what has come to be known in the tri-state area as the ’Ferrari Incident’, Camron convinced Mr. Frye to let him go to a college of *his* choice and chose Ithica. After a road trip of startling proportions, Camron really learned to relax and enjoy life. He met Andrea, who was more than he could have hoped for in a girl. But after months of suspecting her of cheating, Camron came home one night to find that his Cousin Pamela had come to visit. But not to visit him.

Camron became an angry and bitter man with no solace but his work. He even changed his name completely to avoid contact with those who had hurt him emotionally. His new job at a software firm gave him plenty of things to keep his mind busy, but it wasn’t until his co-worker Peter also snapped that he began to risk things again. Camron (who was now known as Michael), Peter, and their buddy-in-arms Samir hatched a great plan to get back at the world for sticking it to them on a daily basis.

It worked (a little too well) but ultimately, they didn’t end up with the money. But Camron had learned a couple of things in the process about what was really important in life. Like staying out of Federal Prison. Irony is on Camron’s side, however, since he now lives in Southern California, working from home on the next big Microsoft OS, and married to Andrea’s sister, who cringes whenever lesbianism is brought up and loves him dearly.

Sloan’s mother used to always explain Sloan’s attraction to Ferris as her being ‘born under an odd sign’. Indeed the evening of her birth, Tein’s Tear (a rare celestial event in which Venus appears as a bright white-green star directly underneath the moon) was in full apogee. And so it was that her mother assumed that Sloan would have quite the romantic life, full of action and adventure. Sloan assumed the same, until one evening during her Senior year in high school, Ferris made his scheduled weekend call drunk and said some things that possibly shouldn’t have been said. Crushed and hurt, Sloan stopped talking to Ferris long enough that he assumed that he has lost her which, indeed, he had.

Sloan became keenly interested in the military as a way to vent her frustrations over Ferris and subsequent boyfriends. With a little political maneuvering from Senator de Haven, Sloan became the first female recruit of an elite US military branch. Not many of her friends know any of what happened in training, but the next time they saw her, she was harder and had changed he look dramatically. What they didn’t know was that she had battled drill instructors, other recruits, top brass, all without any time for her to deal with her own emotions. But she became tougher and stronger because of what she went through, thereby accomplishing that which she had set out to do. Semper Fi, Sloan. Semper Fi.

Fed up with how slipshod her own parents had run their family, Jeanne had decided on running a tight ship in her household. But when one son became two, she began to realize that she had more on her hands than she had hoped for. The next two came in succession it seemed, until she had young ones at all ages, making her dream of the well-oiled household machine a distant dream.

They are good kids, all of them, but they just seem to get into….situations which defy reasoning and logic. Her kids fear her temper, and with good reason. And her husband just seems to get in the way most times, leaving her to dole out all the disciplinary actions herself. A typical American if I’ve ever seen one. Congrats, Jeanne.

True enough, the crossing path of this young delinquent and the others is slim. But his story is an important one nonetheless. His ejection from his parents home and onto the street only got him into places he shouldn’t have been. He witnessed many things and saw many faces. Which is why Raymond Villard put him on the payroll for his show after getting a tip from him. The bust that came from James’ tip resulted in a commendation for Villard from the Police Chief, huge ratings for the show, and a reporting position for James. And once he cleaned up, he looked quite the part.

And so it went. James reporting position found him invited to parties so high society he found himself giggling at himself. Whether it was due to his constant old urges nagging at him to sack the places he was frequenting or all the expensive booze they seemed to hand out freely, he wasn’t sure. But after he met Grace, he stopped questioning such silly things.

Not long before their marriage, he was performing a bust on a crooked Car Wash owner, a Franklin Hatchett. After sending him up river, Hatchett reappears asking him to give him protection from the police after an unfortunate incident that ‘just happened’ to involve him. Some voice welled up from James Russell’s past and reminded him that he had been where Hatchett was far too many times not too long ago, so he begrudgingly agreed to help him. Long story short, Hatchett weaseled his way into Russell’s life and almost ruined it. But the badboy and the con helped each other through and cleared Hatchett’s name. Russell is now happily married to Grace, and sleeps well at night, knowing that in a round about way, he has done his penance for his sins. That, and knowing that he has a fistful of diamonds saved away for a rainy day doesn’t hurt either. But that’s a whole other story….

I hope you kiddies enjoyed our little walk through ‘Alternate Universe Land’. Tune in next time when I tell you what *really* happened to the cast of ‘A Different World’.

Peace.

- Ronin
Ronin@progressiveboink.com

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