SCENE 2: Andrew's orchard.
Enter ALBERT
ALBERT
He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
TEST appears above at a window
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and TEST is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou his maid art far more fair than he:
Be not his maid, since he is envious;
his vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my partner, O, it is my love!
O, that he knew he were!
he speaks yet he says nothing: what of that?
his eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me he speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat his eyes
To twinkle in their sphises till they return.
What if his eyes were thise, they in his head?
The brightness of his cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; his eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how he leans his cheek upon his hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!
TEST
What's up my homies!
ALBERT
he speaks: O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.
TEST
Yo Albert, where you at dog? WHERE MY DOGS AT
hoof hoof hoof hoof! Haha, remember that?
That was strate up funny shiz-nit, yo
ALL my bitches laugh at that.
ALBERT [Aside]
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?
TEST
What's my name, fool? My family SUCKS, yo
I mean, I gots my momz all up on my back
cause she found my stroke mags under the bed an junx,
and then my DAD be all like, GET A JOB yo,
And I be like, I GOTS a job, yo, I'm a MAD PHAT WRESTLIN MACHINE and all,
And then he's like, what's that, for girls? You want a rose or some shit?
And then I'm all like, yo, a rose by any other name is THE BOMB
Cause I heard that shit in school when I was all like sleepin and stuff
But then like, I hate them cause Albert knows what's up
He's my dog, yo, he knows me like I don't even know myself, yo
cause whenever I whip him into the guy in the corner he runs back
and lets me hit the big boot.
ALBERT
I take thee at thy word:
Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be Albert.
TEST
Who dat? Who dat?
And why are you in my momz's garden, yo?
I got some DIESEL ASS WEED growin', so watch yoself!
ALBERT
By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am:
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word.
TEST
I ain't sure cause I can't see the moon reflectin' off your head,
But I can hear tha back hair, yo, tha's NASTY yo!:
Art thou not ALBERT and a Prince or some junk?
ALBERT
Neither, fair saint, if either thee dislike.
TEST
Dude, why'd you show up now, I gots my family on my case
and like, I'm in my room listening to LIMP and KORN and all
but then my MOMZ is all "turn it down" and I'm all like "no"
and then she threatened to take away the car and that got me pissed.
ALBERT
With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls;
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do that dares love attempt;
Therefore thy kinsmen are no let to me.
TEST
YO LISTEN TO ME BIOTCH THEY GONNA KILL ME IF YOU DONT BOUNCE!!!
ALBERT
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye
Than twenty of their swords: look thou but sweet,
And I am proof against their enmity.
TEST
They only want me to listen to my theme music, like when I was gettin' married.
ALBERT
I have night's cloak to hide me from their sight;
And but thou love me, let them find me here:
My life were better ended by their hate,
Than death prorogued, wanting of thy love.
TEST
Did Stephanie tell you how to get here? *pfff*
What a BIOTCH!!!
ALBERT
By love, who first did prompt me to inquire;
He lent me counsel and I lent him eyes.
I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far
As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,
I would adventure for such merchandise.
TEST
Haha, dude, you're talkin' all STOOPID or somethin'
Did you get dropped on your head again?
Yo, strate up, I heard backstage once that Jeff Hardy did that shit
an ended up fallin on his face or some junx, and then later
he started writing all this creepy poetry bout willows and biotches
which is fine an all cause the biotches love a sensitive man, knowwhatI'msayin?
But then like, he started wearin girl clothes
and a headband
and then he started flailin his legs around doin' some funked up junx
like he's Kriss Kross only gay and white
and then he flips upside down through a table.
That Boy BE CRAZY yo.
BUT he don't get the biotches cause he don't do the BIG FOOT yo
and it's that move that makes me HARDCORE TO THE MAX
now testify or some junx!
ALBERT
Andrew, by yonder blessed moon I swear
That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--
TEST
YO YO YO HOLL UP now BIOTCH
keep your silver tips to yourself
I know you got that shiz-nit pierced.
Word up, yo.
ALBERT
What shall I swear by?
TEST
To .... uh.... biotches?
ALBERT
If my heart's dear love--
TEST
Have you heard this new Limp Bizkit song?
It's like, keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
haha, that joint is the BOMB yo
ALBERT
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
TEST
Huh?
ALBERT
The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.
TEST
Word up, yo, pimps up ho's down...I ain't like that, yo!
If you try to Test me I'm gonna show you my jimmy
and smack it upside your head, sucka!
ALBERT
Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?
TEST
I'll withdraw deez nutz in yo mouth! Word!
Trish calls within
Uh... I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Prince, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.Uh...biotch.
Exit, above
ALBERT
O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.
Re-enter TEST, above
TEST
Three words, dear Albert, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word to-morrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.
Nurse [Within] Madam!
TEST
I come, anon.--But if thou mean'st not well,
I do beseech thee--
Nurse [Within]
Madam!
TEST
By and by, I come:--
To cease thy suit, and leave me to my grief:
To-morrow will I send.
ALBERT
So thrive my soul--
TEST
A thousand times good night!
Exit, above
ALBERT
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.
Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from
their books,
But love from love, towards MY ALBERT BOMB with heavy looks.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!