I remember the first time I saw
Family Guy. It was an advertisement for the show during the
Super Bowl and featured some guy peeing into Peter's grandfather
clock. It looked like an unfunny Simpsons knockoff, and after
the game I opted to turn off the game and listen to Loveline so
I could hear Adam Carolla talk about how he likes to jack off while
driving.
As a result, I didn't pay much attention to
Family Guy during most of its life on the air. And I missed
what was likely the funniest show in television history. It's
a show that's as clever as Seinfeld, without having to tell its
jokes within the bounds of reality. It's probably funnier
than The Simpsons ever was. Most importantly, it captures
the lol i am a father joke that is used by 75% of television
shows today.
Read on, and feel free to e-mail us when you realize that we left
out the moment where the gay guy at the power plant kisses Homer.
25. “Here’s
a memo”
The episode:
“Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
The gist: Mr. Peutershmidt has been fired, and
Peter ponders over how funny the business world is. Dilbert follows:
Bald Guy: “Hey, Dilbert, what do you call
it when a guy in middle management moves all the way up to upper
management?”
Dilbert: “I don’t know, what do you call
it?”
Bald Guy: “A promotion!”
Dilbert: “Oh, thanks. Here’s a memo.”
The funny: Dilbert isn’t funny. Therefore,
making fun of Dilbert = The Funny. It’s a simple equation,
really. You can apply it to most anything, including Suddenly Susan.
24. "I'm a broom."
The episode: "Fifteen
Minutes of Shame"
The gist: On Diane Simmons' trashy day time talk
show, it's revealed to a rather. . . distasteful woman that her
boyfriend is really a woman. The woman it turns out, is really
a horse, and the horse is actually just a broom.
The funny: Fun Fact: the exact
women you see here actually walked into my apartment once and took
my roommate's rat. She and her girlfriend. I was too
afraid of them to say something about it. Anyway, by having this
segment end with a broom falling over, Seth MacFarlane is poking
fun at the "Scooby Doo" style of plot resolution, while
at the same time making fun of Maury Povich (and the rest of his
kind). It's just another instance of Family Guy doing screwball
humor better than anyone else on earth. Remember when the
Osbournes were in the lemon soda commercial, and the punchline was
that they turned into the Osmonds? NOT FUNNY.
Wait, sorry, the punchline is that Ozzy is decrepit and feeble and
his children and wife are horrible leeches that exploit him.
23. "Holy Crap
I am freakin' out!"
The episode: "Lets Go to the Hop"
The gist: Peter recounts his run-in with LSD, and
how "real" everything seemed. Cut to a 2-second shot of
a real guy in a Peter Griffin mask, sitting on a park bench looking
flabbergasted.
The funny: The whole thing is just so cheap, and
a bit creepy to boot. Like, they used a man who's not even that
fat, and who has a serious case of Robin Williams Forearm, and stuck
him in this weird bug-eyed Peter mask that kinda looks like it's
made out of play dough. The mouth actually moves, but the body's
gestures are kind of separate from it. The whole thing kind of resembles
some mediocre "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" You know, like
the bald one stands behind the tall one and sticks his arms out
in front of tall one. Then they have to make a pie or some crap
while the black one does a Jimmy Durante impression. And all the
while Drew Carey laughs off-screen at the American public for still
being famous at this point.
22. "WE. MAKE.
HOLES IN TEETH."
The episode: "There's
Something About Paulie"
The gist: Peter explains to Big Fat Paulie that
Lois doesn't want him getting involved with the wrong crowd again.
Cut to Peter as a member of the Cavity Creeps.
The funny: The Cavity Creeps were far before my
time, but it doesn't really matter. Family Guy is a show that
uses flashbacks for a lot of its funny, and this was one of the
most absurd ones they've ever done.
21. "HAHA"
The episode:
"The Son Also Draws"
The gist: Chris is forced to compete in a
soap box derby as part of the Scouts. One of the participants
is Speed Racer, who's confidence is shattered by the truth that
Pops Racer is not his real father. HAHA
The funny: Speed Racer was my absolute favorite
cartoon from the moment I first saw it aired on MTV until, well,
now. So seeing it come across as the most insane twenty-second
synopsis of everything that made it great was amazing: the
speed lines behind the characters, Speed's car dismount pose, the
fast voices, blank expressions, and HAHA OOOOH to end sentences.
All they needed was for Spritle and Chim Chim to come bounding out
of the back of the car bitching about how they want candy and we
wouldn't even NEED the show to exist.
Who am I kidding, yeah we do. Even Family Guy won't go as
far to make jokes about how Sparky wants to show Speed his "tool."
Speed Racer rules.
20. “Imagine
me, president!”
The episode:
“Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington”
The gist: Peter’s company is taken over by
the El Dorado tobacco company, and Peter’s family coerces him
to talk to management about their cigarette promotion in kids. When
he confronts them, they offer him a job as president.
Sleezebag: “Would you really be the president
of a company that didn’t care about kids?”
Peter: “No, but I’m not the president”
Sleezebag: “Yes. You are, if you wanna be!”
Peter: “Oh, wow! Imagine me, president!”
Peter: “I’ll do it!”
The funny: Peter has misinterpreted the term “President”.
He proceeds to dance in glee.
19. "Like a happy,
special..." "You're going to die."
The episode: "And
the Wiener Is..."
The gist: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is diagnosed with a malignant brain
tumor. This is what causes his nose to be red. Rudolph tries to keep a positive attitude but the doctor
vehemently reassures him of his doom.
The funny: Nothing against Rudolph himself, but I really,
REALLY hate people who sing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
and add words at the end of every line. So while this scene
itself might be kinda sad, what with the imminent death of a childhood
icon and all, it gives me a hearty chuckle to think of those fuckers
in my elementary school choir trying to fit "malignant brain
tumor" in there after, "had a very shiny nose." WHY
DON'T YOU SKIP OVER ME FOR A SOLO AGAIN MRS. DAWSON?! I WANTED TO
PLAY IN THE REINDEER GAMES IN THE THIRD GRADE, BUT NOOOOO, YOU JUST
PUT ME IN THE BACKGROUND CHORUS. I HOPE YOUR NOSE GETS ALL SHINY
(like a lightbulb) AND YOUR BRAIN ROTS OUT OF YOU STUPID
FUCKING HEAD (like Bob Marley!).
18. "So ...like
can the family understand the baby or, uh, what's the deal with
that?"
The episode: "E. Peterbus Unum"
The gist: After an episode that focuses around Peter starting
his own country in his yard, the show unceremoniously jumps to a
classroom full of children in the future, who proceed to dissect
one of the show's biggest plot holes; Stewie talks, and they only
hear baby gibberish (most of the time). Brian talks, and they understand
him (most of the time). But Stewie talks to Brian, and he understands.
The funny: Seth MacFarlane wasn't one to turn down
a joke often. He's from the Dave Barry school of comedy: use every
bad joke you can think of, just to kill time until the good ones.
That being said, Family Guy was usually blissfully devoid of self-referrential
humor. There was never that winking to the camera that you see so
often these days. Peter never called his run-in. Because of that,
it's funny as hell when the creators get together and poke fun at
their own oddities.
Furthermore, it's good to know that in the future, Family Guy is
what civilazation uses as a historical tool. I mean, where else
are the citizens of Earth2 going to learn about television from
the 1980's, or the usefullness of the Jewish people?
17. "I'll give
ya 50 bucks."
The episode: "Death is
a Bitch"
The gist: Having been diagnosed with life-threatening
breast cancer, Peter goes to the funeral home to try out caskets.
The price for one particular casket is $1000. He offers $50
for it, then $2000, then $40. Brian explains to the casket
salesman, "He...he doesn't know how to haggle."
The funny: A good example of Family Guy's misinterpretation
of a common idea. Being a bad haggler usually means, of course,
that one is too aggressive or too timid when trying to bargain.
I hate haggling, which is why I normally just rob people rather
than try to cut a deal.
16. "That's a
nice muscly throwin' arm you got there!"
The episode: "To Live and Die in Dixie"
The gist: Chris takes a paper route to finance
a birthday gift for a girl at school. Along his route is an
old man with a walker who speaks in falsetto and won't stop trying
to coerce Chris' muscly arm into his bathrobe pockets.
The funny: One of the best things about Family
Guy is it's ability to make things that shouldn't be funny funny
as shit. This is a shining example, turning a lonely old pedophile
into one of the most memorable tertiary characters in the series'
initial run. Little touches like his "cellar full of
popsicles" and his "grabber" really drive home the
fact that he is a fucking freak of nature and we should not be laughing
at him. But it's pretty impossible not to.
15. “Oh that’s
nothin’!”
The episode:
“He’s Too Sexy for his Fat”
The gist: Brian has fleas and the entire family
must feel the repercussions.
Stewie: “Wake up, LEONA, this decrepit hooverville
is infested with something besides idiots.”
Lois: “Oh my god, Stewie, you’ve got
bugs on your jimmies! Peter! Wake up!”
Peter: “Wuh? Huh?”
Lois: “Stewie’s covered in fleas!”
Peter: “Oh that’s nothin’, when
I was a kid I was covered with ticks”
Lois: “Peter, it’s not a competition”
Peter: “Well it was back then”
The funny: Peter has won a trophy for covering
his body with more ticks than anybody else. How bizarre!
14. "What the
devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added Cousin Oliver..."
The episode: "Emission
Impossible"
The gist: Worried about Lois and Peter's attempts
to procreate, Stewie likens his fate at the arrival of a new baby
to when they added Cousin Oliver to "The Brady Bunch."
Cut to the Brady house, where Cousin Oliver tells a shitty sarcastic
innocent joke (like his fat little baby John Denver ass always did).
Bobby enters, says hello, and is forced violently back into the
garage by a broom-wielding Mike.
The funny: Brady Bunch humor is almost always funny. Jan
alone makes the two modern Brady Bunch movies enjoyable. Add to
that the hilarity of mocking child star Robbie Rist (now famous
for being the voice of Michaelangelo in the Ninja Turtles movies
and Maroda from Final Fantasy X and X-2) and you've got yourself
a pristine Family Guy moment. One has to wonder if Bobby was forced
to spend hours in the snakepit afterwards.
And I take back what I said about Brady
Bunch humor being almost always funny. I forgot about retarded college
favorite standup comedians. "DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THEY
HAD SIX KIDS SHARING ONE BATHROOM? AND IT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A TOILET!"
YES I NOTICED THAT BUT THANK YOU FOR BRINGING IT UP. NOW SHOW US
THE SIDE MIRROR ON THE TOILET SEAT THAT WOULD BE USED IF WE HAD
TO "PASS GAS."
13. "Tom! Tom
Bosley!"
The episode: "The Road to Europe"
The gist: Stewie and Brian head to England so Stewie
can live with the cast of his favorite television show. On the way,
Stewie's sure he sees the dad from Happy Days, but doesn't want
to be too obvious about it.
The funny: As a fairly obscure pop culture geek
myself, I'm a big fan of tv shows just throwing a name out and expecting
it's audience to get it. Of course, I would assume anyone avidly
watching Family Guy was probably also a pretty big fan of Father
Dowling Mysteries.
12. "It's partly
an expression of my teenage angst...but mostly it's a moocow!"
The episode: "A Picture
Is Worth A Thousand Bucks"
The gist: Chris, the developing artist of the family,
shows Peter the drawing he made for him.
The funny: Chris is possibly the funniest character
on the show. A lot of the credit should go to Seth Green,
who does a voice that I can't imitate no matter how hard I try.
Whenever I come across a voice I can't do, I just resort to my old
standby Jack Bauer impression. LOOK AT THIS PAINTING OR
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU
11. "She gonna
breathe on it foist..."
The episode:
"Da Boom"
The gist: On a quest to find food after Y2K
has destroyed civilization, the Griffins stumble across a home with
an apple tree; the only catch is that Randy Newman is there,
sitting under the tree all night and day, just singing about what
he sees.
The funny: God bless the things that Randy
Newman sees to sing about:
(Randy) "Fat man with his kids and dog
Drove in through the morning fog
Hey there Rover, come on over..."
(Lois) [spoken] "Well, it's nice to have music while we eat."
(Randy) "Red headed lady, reaching for an apple
Gonna take a bite, nope, nope,
She gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse.
She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times,
Stops!
Saliva workin', takes a hard long look at Randy ...five times
Fat old husband walking over"
(Lois) [spoken] "Let's get the hell out of here."
(Randy) "They're walking down the road
Left foot, right foot
Left foot, right foot
Left.."
Nobody makes fun of Randy Newman enough. This was a long time
coming, and for once Family Guy goes the way of South Park and makes
fun of somebody who actually deserves it. The only other time
I can remember that is Peter pretending to be gay by watching "Caroline
in the City." But in conclusion, yeah, I think I'd rather
starve than hear Randy say "foist" again.
10. “David Banner,
I just slashed your tires.”
The episode:
“Emission Impossible”
The gist: Lois’ sister, Carol, is 9 months
pregnant as her husband walks out on her. Peter and Lois visit her
in hopes of recharging her spirit.
Peter: “Uh, hey Carol? Uhm, sin…since
Ted dumped you can I have his shirts?”
Lois: “Peter, what’re you going to do
with Ted’s shirts, he’s half your size”
Peter: “I know I know I know, but check this
out. Hey Carol, say ‘David Banner I just slashed your tires.’”
Carol: “David Banner, I just slashed your
tires”
Peter: “(has tantrum, rips shirt to shreds)
Ahhhhhhrarrhhrahrahr! Heh, a heh heh. I’m priceless”
The funny: Peter has no sympathy for a single pregnant woman! He
is also fat.
9. "IT'S GONN'
RAIN"
The episode: "Mr.
Saturday Knight"
The gist: During a news broadcast, anchorman Tom
Tucker announces that it's time for the "Blackie Weather Forecast."
Cut to a split second shot of an Al Roker-esque man shouting "IT'S
GONN RAIN!" And thats it, that's the end of the segment.
The funny: Throw away moments like this are what made the
show. Sometimes they went a looooong way to make a particular
joke, but sometimes they'd just throw in uselss touches like this,
and then hurry away from them. Unfortunately, moments like
this one also got the producers into a lot of trouble with minority
groups. You see, Seth MacFarlane is white, so for him to imply
that a black man may not speak with perfect English makes him a
RACIST++. And, though I hate to get on a rant, I really don't
understand it. I mean, doesn't ebonics seem like the worst thing
in the world for a culture to appropriate if they don't feel that,
as a group, they recieve enough respect? Situation likes these are
why fucking Sway gets a job on MTV news, and why Snoop Dogg's been
coasting on his ability to make up words for the last five years
or so. I'm sorry, I'm from West Virginia, so I'm more than well
aware that there are some DUMB ASS FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE on this
earth. And I have no problem acknowledging that fact out loud.
So why is it when I'm at Fridays trying to wait on a table full
of thugged out black dudes, guys who pronounce "booth"
as "boof" and "Emily" as "shorty boo,"
I'm not allowed to speculate on why they won't fucking learn the
english language?
Oops, I forgot to say something funny there.
8. "Wouldn't
it be marvelous... "
The episode: "Fifteen Minutes of Shame"
The gist: The Griffin family is tapped to be the
subject of a reality tv series. After a run-in with Lois, Stewie
has a Real World-esque "confessional" interview in which
he pontificates on his hatred of his mother. The segment ends with
Stewie wondering how nice it would be if he grew up to be a homosexual.
The funny: Okay, so you have this baby character.
A baby who sounds and is fashioned after Rex Harrison in the movie
"My Fair Lady." A baby who started out as an evil genuis,
and as the show progressed just sort of became progressively more
bitchy and fey. Then, keeping in mind that we're unsure of whether
the baby is actually talking to people or not, he announces how
nice it would be if he wound up gay. Sorry kids, but if I have to
explain the humor in that then maybe I'd just be better of bringing
back Mario in a hamburger suit.
7. "You...are...outta
here!"
The episode: Fifteen Minutes
of Shame"
The gist: Peter laments that he'll never get to
star in a TV show as a retired umpire who runs a bar. AT
THE CENTER OF THE EARTH. The dialog goes as follows:
Peter: We don't get many of you
molten rock men in here.
Molten Rock Man: At these prices, I'm not surprised!
Peter: That's it, buddy. YOU...ARE...OUTTA
HERE!!"
(laugh track)
The funny: They really went over the top on this
one. This fantasy is what Cheers would have been like if it
were good. From the opening keyboard music that sounds like
it's from "Major League", to the use of every single conceivable
jokes that one could make of the show's premise within five seconds,
this is one of the most wildly clever jokes this show's ever done.
6. "Joe, he's
an android, don't let him push you around!"
The episode:
"A Hero Sits Next Door"
The gist: Handicapped neighbor Joe attempts
to get his "smile" back by competing in "The Special
Peoples' Games." One of Coach Peter's motivational speeches
is interrupted by a sweatband-wearing mechanical-wheelchair riding
trash talker. Joe PWNS him by singing the scales.
The funny: Anybody using the Stephen Hawking
"Narrator" voice for comedy is hilarious. But Family
Guy takes it to another level with the scale delivery:
"Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap."
I can't think of anything funnier than someone with a body malfunction
not realizing they can't change the inflection of their voice until
forced to sing scale at the Special Olympics. Just like the
Special Olympics, everybody wins. And if you don't think this
is funny enough to make the list, tell your wife to come over to
my place for a little boom-shaka-laka laka boom-shaka-laka laka
boom-shaka-laka laka boom.
5. "Is this really
the blood of Christ?”
The episode: “Death Has a Shadow”
The gist: Peter is going to a stag party and his
family is trying to convince him not to drink.
Lois: “Remember the time you got drunk off
the wine at church?”
Peter: “(sips chalice, coughs) Whoa! Is this
really the blood of Christ?”
Preist: “Yes.”
Peter: “Man, that guy must’ve been wasted
24/7”
Lois: “Or that time at the ice cream store”
Peter: “Oh, butter rum’s my favorite!”
(lick)
(falls through table)
Brian: “And remember you had an irish-coffee
the day we went to see ‘Philadelphia’?”
Peter: “I got it, that’s the guy from
‘Big’, Tom Hanks. Oh man, funny guy that Tom Hanks, everything
he says is a stitch.”
Tom Hanks: “I have AIDS”
Peter: “Hahahaha!”
The funny: Peter likes to get drunk and do inappropriate things!
4. "I was trying
to gain super powers."
The episode: "Family
Guy Viewer Mail #1"
The gist: When the Griffins obtain super powers
from a chemical spill and go on a power trip, Mayor Adam West attempts
to get even by rolling around in the sludge himself. Later, he is
diagnosed with cancer.
The funny: The voice acting of Adam West never gets enough
credit. Adam West never gets enough credit. Batman refusing to throw
a bomb at baby ducks is one of my fondest film memories. This moment
makes the list because of one of the greatest exchanges in the history
of the show, pretty much all thanks to West:
Doctor: Mayor West, it
appears you have lymphoma... probably from rolling around in that
toxic waste. What were you trying to prove?
Mayor
West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor:
Well that's just stupid.
Mayor
West: Stupid? Yes. Idiotic? Yes.
Support your local police! Well said, Robin.
3. "Are you Stephen
King?"
The episode: "Brian in Love"
The gist: Brian runs over a man in his truck. When
he checks to see if the man's okay, he finds out that it's not horror
legend Stephen King, but rather crap espionage legend Dean Koontz.
So Brian runs him over again.
The Funny: Dean Koontz sucks. That's basically
all you've got to run with. I've never read a Dean Koontz novel,
but I assume they're all just text versions of the Fugee's video
for "Ready or Not." Personally I would've had Brian run
over Hunter S. Thompson. With a steamroller. While screaming, "THANKS
FOR TURNING A BUNCH OF USELESS POTHEADS INTO PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL
PRETENTIOUS ARTFUCKS YOU BASTARD!" And then I'd drive over
the Bret Easton Ellis' house.
2. "HHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
"...AHH."
The episode: "Wasted Talent"
The gist: Peter runs home after finding the winning
scroll in his vomit. The beautiful "I've Got A Golden
Ticket" music from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"
plays. He's almost home, and he trips and falls. The
music stops. He sits there clutching his knee for about thirty
seconds.
The Funny: This is one of the only shows I know
of with the balls to do something like this. Thirty seconds
on national TV is very costly, and shows (especially cartoon sitcoms)
try to pack as much into a given episode as possible. That's
why this is so funny. At the second "AHH" the viewer's
laughing because it breaks the mood of the moment. During
the third and fourth one, he or she is thinking, "What the
fuck?" I've watched this moment with several different
people, and it seems that on average, they start laughing at "AHH"
#5. This moment is an anomaly, and one of the most uniquely
funny television moments ever.
1. "Oh yeah!"
The episode:
"Death Has a Shadow"
The gist: After causing a controversy (and
a blimp crash) at the Superbowl, Peter is sentenced to twenty-four
months in prison. Each member of his family acts accordingly;
"Oh no!" "Oh no!" "Oh no!"
"Oh no!" Then, the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the
wall of the courtroom with an "OH YEAH!" Met with
silence, he pauses, then slowly backs his way out of the hole in
the wall.
The funny: This was from the debut post-Superbowl
show, and is the specific moment that won me (and I'm sure others)
over and made me a Family Guy mark for life. It was proof
that no matter how difficult the situation got, no matter how high
the tension was, Peter or Stewie or Lois or a fucking anthropomorphic
jar would show up to do something completely random. It was
assurance that we'd never have to take Family Guy seriously.
And in a world of self-important "thought-provoking" shows
like "Joan of Arcadia" and "Tru Calling" it's
nice to have someone come along and associate powdered fruit drink
with the justice system.
|
