Ahh, fall. Time
of back to school shopping, college football, and delicious apple
cider. Perhaps most importantly, autumn brings with it an entirely
new batch of television hopefuls, most of which none of you will
watch, some of which are being canceled as we speak. And that's
precisely why you people have a gal like me around. Because I know
that not all of you have the time to find out when UPN's newest
foray into the pretty African American sub genre is, I've done all
the leg work for you. Granted, "all the work" means that
I bought and red penned an issue of Entertainment Weekly, but that
doesn't mean my efforts should go unappreciated. After all, its
not like any of you could figure out what a show titled "Medical
Investigation" is about on your own. Ungrateful bastards.
NBC
It's been kind of a rough ride for the peacock network as of late.
Last year they lost a major bread winner with "Friends."
They were finally forced to cancel "Frazier" after receiving
the news that the show's one holdout fan, the Last Gay Confederate
Widow, had passed on. The network still has a few tricks up its
sleeve. Shows like "The West Wing" and "Fear Factor"
are still doing respectable numbers. But the loss of "Wing"
creator Aaron Sorkin and the knowledge that we as a country hate
Joe Rogen means that it's really only a matter of time before the
National Broadcasting Corporation changes it's name to "The
Law & Order" network, and starts filling prime-time space
with half hour blocks of Richard Belzer flossing his teeth.
. . . That is, unless inevitable "Friends" spin-off "Joey"
manages to set the world on fire in a way that "Watching Ellie"
never could. Here to give us his thoughts on the bright lights of
Tribbiani town, is our very own Jt.
Hey guys, Jordo here. I know I was supposed to write about the show,
"Joey." But then I forgot that it airs at 8 o'clock on
Thursdays and, well, you all know that there's only one thing I
watch then, and it ain't watch a show about a guy who couldn't even
steal a girlfriend from fucking Ross. I mean, Joey's barely a man.
Then I started thinking of someone else I know who's barely a man,
lives in Hollywood and wants to make movies. Of course! Goldust!
So here, due to an overwhelming nonexistent demand, are all the
reasons that Goldust deserves a sitcom more than Joey.
Better Sidekick.
In the new series, we're introduced to one of Joey's numerous sisters,
played by the hawk-like Drea De Mateo. This is all well and good,
but do we remember who Dust's sidekick was?
Exactly.
Better miniature version of himself
Aside from his sister, the other member of Joey's family that we
meet is his nephew, played by Paulo Constanzo. You may remember
him from his brilliant portrayal of the philosophical stoner in
"Road Trip." Though apparently the character is supposed
to be a science genius or something, it still remains obvious that
his function on the show is to act as a young person foil to LeBlanc's
rapidly approaching middle age title character. This, also, is all
well and good. But don't you think the show would be funnier with
a mini Tribbiani?
Precisely.
Better association with "chicks"
One of the more memorable aspects of "Friends" was the
decision by Joey and Chandler to adopt both a chick and a duck.
They were both very cute. However, I can think of someone else who
was once associated with a cute chick.
Yeah, okay, can't win 'em all
Better dad
I have no idea whether Joey's father will make an appearance on
the show. But if you'll recall, every time he showed up on "Friends"
it was to talk about how much he enjoyed cheating on his wife. You
know who has an honorable father who'll also take a mean bump?
Nothing further your honor.
ABC
What's there to be said about the current state of ABC? In the post-Saget
era, the once TGIF infested network has offered up little to appeal
to this particular web writer. A quick glance at their line up reveals
roughly 60 cardboard ethnic sitcoms, 300 reality shows, and one
insult to the memories of both John Ritter and Turanga Leela.
The lone bright spot in the fiery lake of turds seems to be the
new show, "Lost" brought to us by television wunderkind
J.J. Abrams, who in the past has been responsible for both the WB's
"Felicity" and ABC's man in drag action hour, "Alias."
Both of those shows oddly focused on the hair of its leading lady.
There's no joke there, it's just an observation I made whilst typing
this paragraph. Abrams is now hoping to strike gold with a new series
which prominently features 14 plane crash survivors trying to stay
alive on a deserted island. Yes, they really think this premise
can be wrangled into a long running series. And yes, this really
is the best TV has to offer us.
Anyway, here's Nick with his extended thoughts on the "Lost"
castaways.
The main character is the older
brother from "Party of Five." I never watched that though.
Then there's also a black guy, an Asian guy, a wicked hot chick,
a hobbit, and a fat guy who is my vote to get a boulder dropped
on his head. I got an A on my "Lord of the Flies" paper.
. . .also, they just made me write this section so I could make
a joke about the plane turning into a bottle of water.
UPN
I am white, female, and a wrestling fan. Only one of those categories
qualifies me for a UPN demographic. As such, there's not much for
me to tell you about the network that prominently both Cobra Commander
Tyra Banks (have you seen that poor girl lately?) AND Black Manservant
Orlando Jordan. I don't watch it. I don't suspect any of you watch
it. There was an unfortunate few months in which UPN was the only
network my TV would pick up and I was forced to live off of reruns
of "The Parkers." But past that. . . I'm not even sure
what shows are in their line up. Is Shasta McNasty still on the
air? Wait, I don't care. So instead I asked B to tell you about
the show "Kevin Hill" starring Taye Diggs. Which means
the show is probably about Diggs inserting his "groove"
back into the laughing second mouth of. . . I don't know. . . let's
say CiCi Winans. Who makes delicious pizza at a very reasonable
price. Take it away, B.
Thanks, Em. Okay, here goes. The following passage is from UPN.com.
My comments are in parentheses.
KEVIN HILL (which is what you
get when you make an Indian mound composed entirely of Fred Savage's
character from the Wonder Years) stars Taye Diggs (which
is an archeological search for petrified wood run by the Jodie Foster
character Nell) as a 28-year-old, self-made, hotshot entertainment
lawyer in New York City with the ultimate bachelor life--a high-power
job, plenty of pretty ladies and enough money to buy whatever he
wants. Through all of his exploits, he is joined by his buddy, the
charming and witty Dame (Jon Seda) (Dame Jon Seda is the result
of a wigger professional wrestler cutting off his ring post and
going into the British theater. Okay, that one was pushing it).
But, Kevin's whole life turns upside down when he's left to raise
the six-month-old daughter of his cousin, who unexpectedly passed
away (meaning the opposing team thought the Dolphins were going
for the field goal, but they instead tried for the two point conversion).
After figuring out how to deal with bottles, diapers and his new
no-nonsense, gay nanny George (Patrick Breen), Kevin quits his workaholic
law firm for a flex-time, boutique law office, Grey & Associates,
owned and staffed completely by women (I'll bet my staff could
complete them. Ring-a-ding-ding). Kevin must adjust his attitude
when dealing withhis new co-workers, who include Jessie Grey (that
would be Jessie before she fought the big charcoal demon, fell into
a huge hole and nonsensically wound up god damn naked on top of
a mountain.) (Michael Michele), a professional single mom and
boss; Nicolette Raye (Christina Hendricks),the office's most underestimated
legal weapon; and Veronica Carter (Kate Levering), a whip-smart
diva (Ivory?), who previously had a one-night stand with
Kevin. Despite continuing temptation from his party buddies, Kevin
is determined to walk the line between the women at his job, the
women that he chases, and the baby girl in the crib.
. . . in short: Kevin Hill? More like Never Will Watch, am I right?
FOX
It's amazing the legacy the Fox network has carved for itself. A
network nobody really likes, that everyone considers sub-par, and
yet it's brought us some of our generation's most important works
of television. "The Simpsons," "Married...With Children,"
"Family Guy," "Cops," would FOX still be around
if it didn't manage to air something awesome in between all the
wild police videos? Just think, if not for the life-giving blood
of Matt Groening, we might have never been subjected to the indignity
of FOXnews, and Bill O'Reilly would still just be a little green
pill in a "Create Your Own Republican Asshole Media Pundit"
kit, waiting for you to add water so he can blossom and grow into
a little sponge dinosaur.
You know? I searched high and low for a stand out new Fox offering,
but damned if I could find anything. The closest I got was "The
Billionaire: Branson's Quest For the Best." I really don't
know what to say about that, other than it sounds like the set up
for an elaborate underground fighting competition in a video game.
But, you know, every rose has it's thorn, so let's let Justin throw
the half cooked pasta of reality television against the wall and
see if it sticks.
Roxymoron87:
Hey guy, how's the post coming?
Auto response from Keasbey
Mornings: I'm making a pact. I'm delivering.
I'm making a scene. I'm delivering.
We're making a pact. We're delivering.
We're making a scene. We're delivering.
Watching Pirates, brb*
*in six weeks
Thank you, Justin.
The
WB
I can remember being so super excited at the start of my Junior
year of high school, because we were finally getting the WB added
to our basic cable. It meant I could watch Buffy, Dawson's Creek,
and all the other subversive but not really teen dramas I'd only
read about on the internet and in entertainment magazines. Of course,
the new quickly wore off of Michigan J. Frog's little redheaded
child of a television network. Years passed, shows got canceled
or transferred to other networks, and I was left without any 16
year old angst to guide me through my budding 20 year old sexuality.
Now, I try to watch "One Tree Hill" and have to refrain
myself from growling, "Kill them all" Tim Roth style,
then doing a plancha onto my television set.
Now, since I know you're all thinking it would be funnier to have
Bill comment on "The Gilmore Girls" than to comment on
"Jack and Bobby," Here's everyone's favorite long haired,
freaky person with our "Returning Favorites Haiku Round Up."
7th Heaven
If Hodgkin's disease
couldn't kill Barry Watson
only Satan can.
Charmed
Rose McGowen's boobs
are so white that they will blind.
Powder in the snow.
Everwood
I must be honest.
I don't know shit about this show.
More like Neverwood.
One Tree Hill
Chad Michael Murray
looks like he is thirty-five
next to any teen.
Smallville
Sexy Superman
is about as hetero
as thirty faggots.
What I like About You
"Amanda All-That"
needs to dump Kelly Taylor
and pick up Keenan
Grounded For Life
One thing's for certain:
extended thoughts by Donal
are "cancellation"
Reba
Hey guys look at me
I am Reba McEntire
gimme some candy.
Gilmore Girls
Here in our small town
we talk about tons of shit
you don't care about.
CBS
Now that we've reached our final network, now that we're in the
twilight of our fall TV preview, it seems only fitting that we end
on CBS, the network for old people. Well, if we're being fair, they
were once the network for old people. The cancellation of both "Touched
By An Angel" and "Walker, Texas Ranger" has made
room for comedy goldmines like "Everybody Loves Raymond"
and "The King of Queens," both of which have become ratings
behemoths due to their keen utilization of the "Isn't my wife
a bitch?" school of humor.
CBS also managed to hook a winner when it added "CSI: Crime
Scene Investigation" to their lineup in 2000. The show quickly
become the most watched on television, as well as turning a nation
of potato chip eaters into arm chair forensic specialists. It comes
as no surprise, then, that the big ticket on the CBS fall schedule
is "CSI: New York," the second spin-off that the franchise
has generated. The CSI guys are now veering dangerously close to
"Law & Order territory," not only because they can't
seem to keep from getting William Petersen's mogwai wet, but also
because this new series is set in NYC, home to 95 bagillion other
crime dramas, and well-tred Briscoe turf. "CSI: NY" is
even being pitted against "Law and Order: the mothership."
CBS is aiming high, however, giving the highly sought after "Overly
smart but emotionally distant head guy" role to everyone's
favorite mumbling Midwesterner, Gary Sinise. The relaxed and groovy
female counter part role is being filled by Melina "I'd be
ethnically ambiguous if not for my last name, damnit" Kanakaredes.
So, here with his thoughts on how the CSI juggernaut will fair in
the Big Apple, is our own Constable McCheese, Jon.
Although the Brooklyn Dodger franchise
was purchased from the Dayton Triangles in 1930, the team was totally
new. Brooklyn businessman Bill Dwyer and John Depler, who had coached
the Orange Tornadoes in 1929, were the owners. The team went 7-4-1
in its first season but dropped all the way to 2-12 in 1931. Benny
Friedman, who had starred as a passer for three other teams in four
NFL seasons, was then hired as player-coach, but he didn't have
much more success.John "Shipwreck" Kelly and Christian
"Red" Cagle, both of whom had played for the New York
Giants the previous season, bought the Brooklyn franchise for $25,000
in 1933. Most of the money undoubtedly came from Kelly, who came
from a wealthy family. The new owners kept Friedman as a player,
but hired a new coach and brought in some new talent, notably themselves.
Cagle was a dangerous runner who had been an All-American at Army
and Kelly was a good pass receiver out of the backfield.
The Dodgers finished second in the Eastern Division. Dan Topping
then bought out Cagle's share of the team, although Cagle continued
toplay.However, Benny Friedman retired for a college coaching job
and the team slipped all the way to 4-7. The Dodgers stumbled along
in mediocrity until 1940, when Jock Sutherland was brought in as
coach. Sutherland, who had coached the University of Pittsburgh
to 110 wins in 15 seasons, immediately made contenders of the Dodgers.
They finished second in the East two years in a row, just a game
behind each time, but then Sutherland and several of the team's
stars went into the service. After two losing seasons, the Dodgers
were renamed the Tigers in 1944. But they were even worse under
the new name, losing all 10 oftheir games that season. Because of
the World War II, the team was merged with the Boston Yanks in 1945.
The following year, Topping moved his team into the new All-America
Football Conference. He also moved them to New York and renamed
them the Yankees. Just to confuse things further, the AAFC had a
new franchise called the Brooklyn Dodgers, which had absolutely
nothing to do with Topping's team. In 1949, the AAFC's fourth and
final season, the Dodgers merged into the Yankees. After the AAFC,
three of its teams entered the NFL, while the Yankees were merged
with the NFL's New York Bulldogs, formerly the Boston Yanks. That
team folded after the 1951 season.
And that's all for Progressive
Boink's first ever Fall TV Preview. Check out next week's update,
when I attempt to formulate a ghost story in which I try to write
each line as a different member of the forum. I am my own cherry
pie.
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