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Emmet Otter's Jug-Band
Christmas
Comedy and nostalgia
from where the River meets the Sea
written by Emily on december 16th - 2003
Nostalgia can be a funny thing. As I get older, I tend to find more and more that, things I loved as a child, without the rose colored glasses of childhood, . . . well, suck more than I remember. Movies I used to love now just seem hokey, the Paula Abdul songs aren't quite as catchy as they once were, and episodes of "The Frugal Gourmet" are kind of tampered when you know that that guy turned out to be a creepy pedophile. Such was the case when I sat down to watch my newly acquired copy of "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas."
It's not that the
film doesn't hold up anymore. In fact, I probably love the film
more now than I ever did as a kid. It's just . . . different than
I recall. The strings are just a little more visible. And the
voices all sound a bit too much like the voices we've all heard
coming out of the mouths of more famous muppets, but done with a
bit more apathy. For example, Chuck, leader of the Riverbottom
Gang and head "baddie" of the film, sounds exactly like
the Cookie Monster. The difference is that one is a googly-eyed
sweets craving fur patch whose body stops at the torso, and the
other is a bear in a jean jacket and a hat like Wally wore in
"Crocodile Dundee."
The Riverbottom
Gang
From left:
Kermit's Herpes-stricken cousin, Horshack the
poorly made sock puppet, The Game Triple H, a snake.
But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Destinys2ndKid: Pa would've loved this post.
Roxymoron87: I know :(
For those of you whose childhoods were less idyllic and holiday television-filled than mine, "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas" is Jim Henson's re-telling of the story "The Gift of the Magi" only with woodland creatures and music that sounds like it should be in the background of Ken Burns' "The Civil War". Because this is a Henson project, Kermit THE Frog has to show up in the beginning, claiming to be the narrator. Perhaps perplexed by the prospect of a muppet movie not ALL ABOUT HIM (the egotistical bastard), Kermit manages to fuck up his entrance and wreck his bike. After a brief encounter with the afore-mentioned Riverbottom Gang, Kermit is never seen nor heard from again. But we do find out that the Otter family inexplicably live in Frogtown Hollow. So maybe it's Kermit that's the Triple HHH of the film, not Chuck. He shows up for five minutes, does nothing, but his influence is stamped on the rest of the show. I'll spare everyone the Stephanie McMahon/Miss Piggy jokes.
The Evolution is a mystery.
Once we're into the story proper, we meet Emmet Otter and his mother Alice. It's established that the family has been poverty stricken for all of Emmet's life, but the recent death of Pa Otter has left them destitute. To make ends meet, Ma Otter does the laundry of some of the more uppity Frogtown Hollow residents, and Emmet does odd jobs with his friend, Wendel the Retarded Porcupine.
In just one more example of this film being the red-headed stepchild of Jim Henson Productions, Emmet, the star of the whole film, has the exact same voice as Robin, Kermit's froggy nephew. I always thought of Robin as the Scrappy Doo of the whole bunch, and we all know how well liked Scrappy Doo was. . . .
After establishing that the Otters are very poor and exist with next to nothing aside from what they need to make their thin livelihoods, news comes to both that there is a talent show being held in Waterville, and the winning entry recieves $50. Emmet is asked to join (what else but?) a jug-band, and enter the contest with friends. To do so, he would have to punch a hole in his mother's wash tub, which she needs for her laundering. Alice is told she should enter by herself and sing, but to have money for a costume she would have to hock Pa Otter's tool chest, which Emmet uses for his odd jobs. Both decide that the costume is not worth their time, and then they take a trip down the film's most useless and generic plot device, Pa's Slide.
PA's SLIDE
an epic
journey by leftover muppet fur
Emmet and Ma
A garbage bag taped to a paper mache set to look like a slide: $1
Technology required to digitally remove visible puppet
strings from shots so your movie doesn't look trifflin':
$83,000
A murder in Frogtown Hollow: Priceless
He doesn't really kill her, of course, as that would be weird. They take turns being limp puppets hurled down a slide while saying "wee!" and "what fun!" At one point Emmet actually baseball slide dropkicks his mom and she doesn't even notice. Bad puppetry or a veteren trying to keep her spot? You be the judge.
Destinys2ndKid: so hey, Pa Otter is dead, right?
Roxymoron87: yeah
Destinys2ndKid: so is Heaven supposed to be "where
the river meets the sea?"
Roxymoron87: yes. Heaven is an alluvial deposit at the
mouth of the river.
Roxymoron87: a delta
Destinys2ndKid: that's not much of an eternal reward
Roxymoron87: they're fucking otters, B
After that, the two otters begin to think about what they could buy with the $50 in prize money. Ma decides she would use the money to buy Emmet a guitar (with mother of pearl inlay), giving him a real Christmas present for the first time in his life. Emmet wants to use his share of $12.50 to make a down payment on a piano for his mother. So, after much debate and a heartfelt musical interlude, both otters decide to join the contest, in secret.
Face miscommunication.
After a brief montage of the jug-band practicing and Ma Otter making her costume, we make our way to the talent show. This is where the movie becomes the most entertaining. It also features some of the worst puppetry in the history of the company. Like, remember in "Labyrinth" how there was that scene with all the orange guys who kept taking off their heads, and when you watch the behind the scenes documentary it's explained that they did the scene by putting the puppets on a backdrop of black velvet, and then blue screening it? Well, every performance at the talent show looks like it was done with the sam technique, minus the blue screen. It's just puppets sticking out of a black backdrop. For that matter, these are master puppeteers. We've all seen "The Muppets Take Manhattan," we've all seen "The Dark Crystal." So why then does it look like all the muppets are being controlled by John Cusack's character in "Being John Malkovich"? Anyway, some of the more entertaining portions of the talent show include:
FROGTOWN
HOLLOW TALENT SHOW
a performance
Iliad by leftover muppet fur
leftover muppet fur
Bob Dylan, the banjo playing woodchuck
George and Martha, the adderall-addicted rabbits
And finally. . . I have no idea what the fuck is
going on here.
After these various attrocities, Alice and then Emmet take the stage, each performing sweet little numbers that win them the ovation of the crowd and fame forever. I tried to find copies of the lyrics of their songs, just to stretch this post out a little bit, but I couldn't find them, because I'm bad at using the internet. So here are some more pictures, 'cause I think my funny is broken.
So after this, one or the other looks like a shoe-in to win, right? They'd have to, I mean the entire point of the movie would be undermined if one of the theiving otters weren't vindicated by taking home the cash money, you know? And furthermore, the jug band was the last act to perform weren't they? WERENT THEY? NO! FUCK OFF OTTERS!! You know why? Because the final performance of the evening is by the. . . .
SMOOOOOOOOOOOOKE ON THE WAAAATEEEEEER, FIRE IN THE SKY!!!
Me trying to transcribe "Riverbottom Nightmare Band" by "The Nightmare" without cracking up
(start opening riff from "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix)
WE TAKE WHAT WE
WANT
WE DO ANYTHING THAT WE WISH
WE'VE GOT NO RESPECT
FOR ANIMAL, BIRDIE, OR FISH
THE GRASS DOES
NOT GROW ON THE PLACES WHERE WE STOP AND STAND
RIVERBOTTOM
NIGHTMARE BAND
wooo
WE KNOW WE'RE A
MESS
OUR KIND DOES NOT LIKE TO BE CLEAN
WE DON'T BRUSH OUR TEETH
CAUSE OUR TOOTHACHE CAN HELP US STAY MEAN
WE DON'T
(snorting begins to obscure lyrics, Dr. Pepper sprays from
nostrils)
WE HATE WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND
(rap bridge)
(yes, rap bridge in 1977)
(cut to shot of Otter Jugband backstage shitting pants)
(cut to shot of me smacking thighs and cackling)
WE LAUGH IN YOUR
FACE
WE PRACTICE OUR GROWL AND OUR SNEER
Chuck: yeeeeeesssss
WE BREAK UP YOUR PLACE
WE'RE DANGEROUS WHEN WE ARE NEAR
WHEN WE ARE DONE
WITH OUR SONG
WHO WILL GET THE BIGGER (laughter steals breath, begin to pass
out)
RIVERBOTTOM
NIGHTMARE BAND
RIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND
RIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND
Yes folks, Chuck and
the boys started the band. A band that features a snake playing
guitar and a bear, dressed like the Pinball Wizard from
"Tommy", rocking the fuck out like he's in the Crystal
Method. But among the rest of the Waterville contestants, The
Nightmare is Radiohead. The Jug-Band is Sum 41, and the rabbits
are Sheila, the derelict that lives outside my friend Holly's
apartment building, speaking in tongues and asking for crack. The
only member of the gang not pictured here is the fish, who is
actually listed on the credits as "Pop-Eyed Catfish".
Pop-Eyed Catfish is completely useless, but for some reason he's
always dragged along, and the results are HILARIOUS. Yeah that's
right. More pictures.
Destinys2ndKid: who is your favorite member of The
Nightmare?
Roxymoron87: THE RIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAND IS A UNIT.
THE SUM IS GREATER THAN THE PARTS. NO MEMBER IS MORE OR LESS
IMPORTANT THAN THE PREVIOUS AND NEXT.
Roxymoron87: CAN YOU TELL A GREEN FIELD FROM A COLD
STEEL RAIL
Destinys2ndKid: my favorite is the weasel
Destinys2ndKid: he sounds like neil young
So the Nightmare Band
wins the prize, and the Otters are left with nothing. Let's
review: in "The Gift of the Magi," a man and his wife
both sacrifice something important to themselves, in order to buy
a present for the other, which in the end is useless to them
because of their own sacrifice. In "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band
Christmas," a Seaworld sideshow attraction and his mother
sacrifice something belonging to the other person, and in the end
they have nothing to show for it. Hey, Jim Henson, thanks for
that rousing boost of holiday cheer. I like your movie and all,
but I think I'd learn to appreciate the birth of the sweet baby
jesus more by watching the California Raisins sing "Rudolph,
the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
The film at least manages to end on a high note, courtesy of my
favorite character, Doc Bullfrog, who looks like a cross between Mr. Peanut and the
WB's mascot. Michigan J. Frog. Sorry guys, I'm too anal about my
anals of pop culture knowledge to not throw in there that I knew
his name was Michigan J. Frog. I think I need therapy. Anyway, Doc Bullfrog, after informing Emmet and Alice that both their
acts "needed something more," finds the two, and the
rest of the Jug-Band, singing a medley of their two songs on the
frozen pond outside his restaurant. He hires them on the spot,
and all is resolved. Well, not all. Because it's Christmas Eve at
this point and both otters are still going to do without on
Christmas. But we're supposed to believe that everything is right
with the world now, so. . . .yay for being poor at Christmas? I
don't know, you tell me. But hey, the muppets were cute.
Merry Christmas, Frogtown Hollow.
Merry Christmas, Bank and Loan.
Merry Christmas, P-boi.
Emily
Imsophiapetrillo@yahoo.com
Aim: Roxymoron87
