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Attack
Of The Disney Sequels
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| Today, we turn our focus to a certain corporate giant in the movie industry known as Walt Disney Pictures. That's the first & hopefully the last time you see me use the words "corporate" and "giant" next to each other anywhere on this website. Oh, didn't anybody tell you? I'm whitey. In case you haven't noticed, Disney has been churning out sequels to as many of their classic animated movies as they can in recent years. Of course, Disney has released 3 sequels in the last month alone, so if you haven't noticed that, hi! That rock you've been living under sure looks cozy! Look, I like Disney & all. They make great movies. But as sequels have a tendency to end up being, these are pretty lame. And so, in an attempt to figure out what this sequel madness is all about, I'm going to take a brief look at every animated sequel Disney has made. And, to make it sound overly dramatic & thrilling so as to grasp your attention, I'm going to call it... THE ATTACK OF THE DISNEY SEQUELS
I don't even remember the Rescuers being that popular to begin with to warrant a sequel. But since Paul Hogan helped make Australian culture the new black in the '80s, this isn't that much of a surprise anymore. The movie's about a little Oz boy named Cody who, after saving a rare giant eagle named Marahute from the evil bad guy poacher McLeach, eventually gets them both kidnapped by said evil bad guy poacher McLeach. So the news of Cody's plight reaches an underground network of mice called the Rescue Aid Society, which is sort of like the United Nations, only made up of mice instead of capitalist pigs. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? Right. So our heroes from the last movie, Bernard & Miss Bianca, go to Australia & meet up with Jake, who could easily pass for Steve Irwin's pet rat. Make that kangaroo rat. Get it? Because this is Australia! Oh Disney, thou are so clever. So they all rescue Cody & the eagle gives them all a ride on her back & everybody lives happily ever after. Oh yeah, & some crocodiles & stuff. What We've Learned: Don't try & save endangered species from poachers by yourself, stupid. You're going to get killed. Bring a friend or a big dog or something with you. I mean, really.
This follow-up to the movie Aladdin was the first sequel to go straight to video. It is, by far, the longest 68-minute movie I have ever seen. Robin Williams didn't even do the Genie's voice in this one. No, they had to go get Dan Castellaneta, the guy that does Homer Simpson, Krusty the Clown, & about 10 other people on that show. Perhaps Robin Williams knew something that Disney didn't want to tell us. Like "This is stupid". Actually, upon looking for a picture of the video cover I found out that the movie was actually made up of what was supposed to be the first week's worth of episodes of the Aladdin Saturday morning cartoon. That makes me feel better. In an "Oh, escargot is dead snails? You had me worried there, for a second!" sort of way. Abis-Mal, a wandering thief & major idiot, discovers the lamp that Jafar & his stupid parrot, Iago, got themselves trapped inside at the end of the first movie. But while Jafar plots revenge on the Sultan & his newly appointed royal vizier, Aladdin, Iago has had enough of the bossy jerk & hatches his own plan to take over Agrabah by pretending to join the side of good. Keep in mind that he's a frigging parrot. Meanwhile, Abis-Mal kidnaps the Sultan & frames Aladdin for his murder. Jasmine, knowing the Aladdin has a history of telling lies, is hesitant to believe him. With a little convincing from the Genie & Carpet, the poorly named magic carpet, Iago has a moral change of heart & releases the captives. So then everybody works as a team to destroy Jafar's lamp & thus, destroy Jafar, & Aladdin & Jasmine decide to take on a life of adventure rather than hang around the castle all day, & everybody lives happily ever after. What We've Learned: If you happen upon a lamp or something like that while you're walking through the desert, don't touch it. Just leave it alone, dude. No, really. Just keep walking. And stop lying so much, jerk.
Aladdin & Jasmine are finally tying the knot. The marriage knot, that is. Not some kind of masochistic S&M knot, you sick pervert. Despite the encouragement of Iago, the Genie (once again played by Robin Williams), Carpet, & Abu, Aladdin's pet monkey... WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Ok, having grown up fatherless, Aladdin can't help but feel nervous about how good a family man he'll turn out to be. As the wedding ceremony commences, an evil band of 40 thieves known as... brace yourselves... the 40 Thieves, invade the city of Agrabah, stealing & pillaging as they search for the legendary Hand of Midas, which is supposed to turn stuff into gold. In the midst of all this, Aladdin learns that Cassim, the King of Thieves, is his father. So he risks everything, including Jasmine's patience at the altar, to reform his dad. To sum up the rest, Aladdin & his friends beat up the other 39 thieves & then smack Cassim around enough to make him realize that the fact that his son cares about him really is more precious than gold. Then Aladdin & Jasmine finally get married & go on their honeymoon & I'm not telling you the rest because you laughed when I said pet monkey. You CHILD. What We've Learned: If your dad ditches you for a bunch of criminals, don't put him in a nursing home. Sit down & talk with him. And when your pet monkey tells you that you're really an ok guy, listen to him. He knows what he's talking about.
There were a bunch of movies with Pooh & the rest of the guys in it. For instance, there was one called the Tigger Movie, & I hear they're working on a Piglet Movie. Bet they won't even think about making an Owl Movie. Nobody likes Owl. But this is the only one that I can really consider a true sequel. Also, remind me never to get picky about what does & does not constitute a true Disney sequel ever again, thanks. This movie starts out at the end of the summer, & the last thing Christopher Robin wants to do is tell Pooh that he is going to school. So he leaves him a note instead. I forget if it's because Pooh can't read or Christopher Robin can't write, but Pooh & his friends interpret the note as saying that Christopher Robin is going to "Skull." Which, I must say, would make for a much more interesting movie if that were true. And hey, didn't they kill Jesus at a place called Skull? I don't blame Pooh for getting woried. So he, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore & Rabbit set off to rescue Christopher Robin. You see what I mean about Owl? No one asked him if he wanted to come along, did they? You ungrateful stuffed jerks had better hope that he doesn't grow up to be a serial killer. What We've Learned: Well, we were supposed to learn that even when far apart, true friends are always as close as your heart. But we really learned valuable lessons in miscommunication & social skills in dealing with the oft-rejected member of the peer group. Be nice to Owl, or he just might pluck your eyes out while you're sleeping or something.
In the first Pocahontas movie, we learned about the evil that is the white man. In this direct-to-video sequel, we learn about the evil that is the mother country. You know that one friend or cousin or sibling who likes to tell embarrassing stories about how stupid you were when you were younger, & they elaborate the story to make it sound much funnier than it really was? Same idea, only America's telling this story about England. Sort of. Pocahontas, upon hearing rumors of John Smith's death, journeys across the sea to England with diplomat John Rolfe (who, for the record, married her in real life) as an ambassador. While Pocahontas & her bodyguard, Uttamatomakin, check out all the new sights in London, Meeko the raccoon & Percy the stupid dog check out all the food. John Rolfe & Pocahontas eventually run into Ratcliffe, the big fat evil guy from the first movie. He wants to return to Jamestown to defeat the Indians & take all that gold that they don't have. He has already convinced King James to send an armada to the New World. So John Rolfe takes Pocahontas with him to the King's ball so she can convince them not to start a war on her people. But during the ball, Ratcliffe sets a trap for Pocahontas to make her look like an idiot & piss off the king, who has her locked up in the Tower of London for being an idiot. They were allowed to do that. John Rolfe goes to rescue her with the help of a mysterious stranger in a big cloak, who turns out to be... John Smith! Come on, at least pretend you didn't see that one coming. So the three of them stop the armada of ships & turn Ratcliffe over to King James. In the end, Pocahontas has to choose between staying in England with John Smith, or returning home with John Rolfe. She chooses the latter so that she can return to her people, & they sail off into the sunset. What We've Learned: 17th Century England wasn't dirty or smelly after all. The colony is healthy, the ships are big & pretty & don't stink, London is nice & clean & full of excitement, & everybody is just downright cheerful. No, really! Also, don't piss off the king. He knows people with guns. Lots of them.
Remember how the first Lion King movie ended the same way it started? The Baboon holds up the Lion King's baby for all the animals to adore, the Circle of Life song plays loudly, & then BAM! Title screen. You'd think Disney could've left it at that. But no, they decided to tell us the same story over again, except with a couple of new characters instead of Elton John songs. We pick things up a few years after the first one left off, just like the first movie picked up a few years after its opening credits left off. Kiara, Simba & Nala's daughter & heiress to the throne, lets her curiosity lead her to the forbidden Outlands (just like the first movie). There she meets & befriends a young lion cub named Kovu, whose mother secretly watches from afar. Once one of Scar's loyal followers, Kovu's mother, Zira, was banished from the Pridelands by Simba when he claimed the throne. She has since been training her son to defeat Simba & take over the throne, but Kovu hesitates to harm Kiara & her family, especially after she ends up saving his life. As the movie progresses, Kiara & Kovu grow up, & Timon & Pumbaa do a dance. In the end, the lions of the Outlands & the lions of the Pridelands get into a big nasty fight & Kovu must choose a side. He follows his heart & stays by Kiara's side, proving once & for all that the strongest force in the Circle of Life is love. What We've Learned: If your parents don't like your new girlfriend, it's only because they are evil & want to take over the world. Don't listen to a word they say.
This is only the 2nd Disney sequel to even make it to the big screen. Tom Hanks & Woody Allen return in this one, so it was probably pretty good.
Especially looking at the "2" in the title as opposed to a Roman numeral "II". In the real world, sequels with Roman numerals are generally good, while sequels with digits are generally awful. In the Disney world, it works backwards. To balance their backwards fascist ways, AM I RIGHT GUYZ? So Andy, the big human kid that owns all the main character toys, goes away to camp for the summer. Meanwhile, Woody is stolen by evil toy collector Wayne Knight. So Buzz Lightyear & the rest of the toys form a rescue squad & set out to rescue Woody, who in the meantime discovers that he has become the evil fat toy collector from Seinfeld's most valuable item in his vast collection. He also meets the charming Jessie the Cowgirl, voiced by Joan Cusack in a rare role in a movie that doesn't star her brother. In other news, Satan just called. He wants to know if he can borrow a scarf. Ultimately, Woody must choose between living forever & returning to Andy's home, where he may only last another year or two, but will truly be loved. Guess which one he chooses. What We've Learned: Toy & comic book collectors may look like mere geeks, but in reality, they are pure evil. So don't be evil, I guess.
Hello, & welcome to the only good idea on this entire page. The original Fantasia from 1940 was a really innovative idea for its time. And making a sequel for a movie like that has potential to rock. The idea behind the original Fantasia was to make a bunch of animated shorts to go along with classical music. Now take that idea & add 60 years' worth of technology. Pretty rad, eh? What We've Learned: Mickey Mouse in the Sorcerer's Apprentice never gets old. And one of the many new segments starred the highly underrated pair, Donald & Daisy Duck. Seriously, I didn't even see Daisy ANYWHERE last time I went to Disney World. It was like they forgot about her. That's just not right.
The first Goofy movie wasn't that great to begin with, but then again, Pauly Shore was in it, so we can just blame him. Maybe Disney decided to give it another shot without Pauly to see if the movie would actually be good this time. There's no harm in a simple experiment. The time has come for Goofy's son Max to go off to college, the land of freedom, opportunity, & chicks. But wait... Goofy has decided to go as well to finish his education! Just like Back To School, except without the Rodney Dangerfield jokes. Just like Back To School, except NOT AS GOOD. Remember when Billy Madison went back to high school? Same idea, only Goofy brings it back to the '70s, complete with a Saturday Night Fever ripoff dance scene. Goofy's nostalgic ways catch the interest of Sylvia the librarian, & their romance makes Max nuts, on top of that other thing where HIS FATHER IS GOING TO COLLEGE WITH HIM. Yeah, so Goofy & Max find themselves in competition with each other, but in the end they learn how to live together & tolerate each other & love each other as father & son. What We've Learned: Hey, parents! Your kids think you're dorks! There's no changing that. Ever. So don't make it harder than it already is.
This came out at the end of 2000, right around the Christmas season. I worked for a short time at the Sam Goody, & I remember there being a stack of Little Mermaid II videos that were barely touched. I almost threw a party when I saw someone buying one. "Look guys! Someone's buying a Little Mermaid II video! Hey, Satan just called. He... what's that? I already used that joke? Oh, well then, that'll be $15.89, ma'am." In this one, Ariel & Prince Eric give birth to a daughter, Melody, whom they introduce to Ariel's father, King Triton. Morgana, Ursula's vengeful sister, shows up to crash the party in attempt to kidnap the baby & hold her for ransom. Ariel & Eric foil Morgana's plot, forcing her to retreat, but not before she vows revenge. It was then that Ariel decided that for her daughter's own safety, it would be best not to reveal Melody's mermaid heritage to her as she grew older. 12 years later, we find that Melody has grown into an adventurous little rebel who often wanders away from home to swim in the ocean. One day, she comes across an artifact from Atlantica. She confronts her mom about it, but Ariel refuses to discuss it, in order to protect her. So Melody decides to go find the answers herself, & heads out to sea on a rowboat. Not only does she run into Tip the Walrus & Dash the Penguin, the worst Timon & Pumbaa ripoffs ever, but she also runs into Morgana, who's pretending to not be evil & have answers for her. So basically she tells her the truth & transforms her into a mermaid & sets her up to lure Triton & Ariel into Morgana's trap. In the end, Melody is faced with the conflict between her love for her mother & the fact that she hid the truth from her. What We've Learned: Withholding the truth from your children makes them do stupid stuff. Like trust evil fish demons enough to replace their legs with a tail. So please, parents, be honest with your children from the very start. I'm not saying don't let them believe in Santa Claus or fun stuff like that. I'm saying you should tell them why to stay away from the evil fish demons.
Hey, here's a little Disney trivia for you. Do you know how many of the 40 or so Disney animated "masterpieces" introduces both parents, neither of which get killed off? Keep in mind that Disney doesn't include sequels (except for the Rescuers Down Under) or Pixar movies (like Toy Story & a Bug's Life) into their collection of "animated masterpieces." The answer is FOUR. That's 10%, people. And two of them — Lady & the Tramp, & 101 Dalmatians — are about dogs. The other two are Mulan, in which the captain's dad dies, so that sort of doesn't count, & Sleeping Beauty, who was supposed to die if not for Merryweather & her quick fairy thinking. So if we've learned anything from this, it's that Disney really caters to the broken families of America... but they sure like dogs. You may remember Scamp, voiced here by Scott Wolf (Party of 5, Double Dragon: the Movie), as a hyper little puppy at the end of the first Lady & the Tramp movie. Now that he's a little older, he's curious about the outside world that his father came from. Though his parents insist that nothing beats the life of a housedog, Scamp's curiosity leads him away from home. On the streets, he meets a cute little stray named Angel, voiced by Alyssa Milano, but that still doesn't make it ok to fantasize about a female cartoon dog, who brings Scamp home to her gang of junkyard dogs. While constantly intimidated by Buster, the big scary leader dog, Scamp gets used to the wild life of the outside world. In the end, Scamp must choose between a life of danger & a safe, secure life of a housedog. What We've Learned: Yo, they did the spaghetti scene again, & it wasn't funny. So don't do stuff like that again in sequels. Because it's not funny. Well, it's funny when you do it in other movies. They did the spaghetti scene in Hot Shots: Part Deux, & that was hilarious. Charlie Sheen rolling a meatball with his nose. Now that's comedy.
This is the first of 3 sequels that came out in the last couple of months, & the only one to hit the theaters. There were ads all over the local theater for this. Haven't seen it yet, but I want to. It looks really, really bad, & I don't care. Peter Pan would probably be my favorite Disney movie if it weren't for Aladdin. Or the Lion King. Or Alice in Wonderland. Alright, so maybe it never had a chance. But that's mostly because I thought Peter Pan was really short. Besides, no Peter Pan sequel could ever be as good as Hook. Disney can't even beat Hook. The story begins in London again, this time in the middle of World War II. Wendy tells of her adventures with Peter Pan in Never Land to her children. Danny loves the stories, but Jane finds no room for make-believe in a world at war. A practical child, Jane was taken by surprise when Captain Hook kidnaps her, thinking she is Wendy. Peter Pan comes to her rescue & teaches her to fly. Jane ultimately learns to harness the power of her imagination as she is dubbed the first Lost Girl. What We've Learned: Believe your parents when they tell you that your face will stick that way if you make stupid faces, or not to go swimming an hour after you eat. Well, ok, they're not entirely true. Maybe your face won't stick that way, & maybe you won't get stomach cramps. But you will get kidnapped by pirates.
Ok, this is just wrong. How do you write a sequel to Cinderella? Unless Prince Charming is cheating on his wife & picking up more chicks riding pumpkins, this can't be the least bit interesting. Cinderella & the Prince return to the palace after their hot, steamy honeymoon, & Cinderella is finding it difficult to adapt to the royal lifestyle. She is given the title of Royal Hostess, otherwise known as the easiest job in the world. Alright, I'm exaggerating. The easiest job in the world belongs to Carrot Top. He gets paid to have red hair & be annoying. That's just not fair. Cinderella's just having trouble learning the ways & traditions of the Royal Court, worrying that her provincial hospitality might be inappropriate. Throw in some mice, the Fairy Godmother, & Lucifer, the almighty housecat of darkness, & you have the dumbest idea for a movie since Chairman Of The Board. I'm telling you. Not fair. What We've Learned: Stick to your story. If you say they lived happily ever after, leave it at that & shut up. We don't need you to elaborate. Do something wise with your time. Like make an Owl Movie.
This is Disney's latest bad idea. But at least writing a sequel to Hunchback is more believable than writing one for Cinderella. Maybe if they didn't do that one & just concentrated on this one, it might have turned out somewhat decent. Quasimodo returns as the keeper & guardian of the Cathedral of Notre Dame's sacred bells, but now he has the help & companionship of Esmerelda & Phoebus's son, Zephyr, voiced by that kid who sees dead people. Quasi, as he likes to be called, or Scary Mutant Stalker Freak, as he probably doesn't like to be called, still spends his time singing hot, steamy love songs, but this time they're about the beautiful Madellaine (voiced by the even more beautiful Jennifer Love Hewitt). Madellaine is the assistant of evil bad magician guy Sarousch, unaware of his plan to steal one of Notre Dame's bells. Unaware that Madellaine is unaware that Sarousch is an evil bad magician guy that wants to steal a stupid bell, Quasi believes that she is an evil bad magician's assistant girl. With the help of Zephyr & his gargoyle buddies, Quasi hopes to reveal Sarousch for the evil bad magician guy that he really is & discover Madellaine's true nature. What We've Learned: Crazy ugly dudes who talk to statues are actually pretty intelligent. At least when it comes to pointing out bad guys. So if you're a superhero or a ninja, it might be a good idea to have a crazy ugly dude as your sidekick. COMING SOON! That's all the sequels that I found worthy to cover. There were a couple of titles I saw for Beauty & the Beast, Hercules, & Toy Story, but they all turned out to be collections of mini-stories or Christmas specials. So I skipped them for now.
Unfortunately, it looks like Disney won't be stopping any time soon. Here's a list of just some of the exciting titles in the works!
As you can see, the attack of the Disney sequels won't back down any time soon. There's even a sequel already in the works for Lilo & Stitch, which ISN'T EVEN OUT YET. The movie looks interesting, though. The previews I saw feature some little alien bat-looking thing "invading" classic Disney movies. One shows him hanging from the chandelier during the ballroom dance scene of Beauty & the Beast, & then it breaks & falls. Another shows him interrupting Aladdin's magic carpet ride & whisks Jasmine away in his flying caddy. Unfortunately, I'm told that those scenes aren't actually in the movie. I really think they should throw them in there last minute. It'd be great.
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