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| Dragonball
Zzzz |
I sat in the doctor's office patiently (pun intended, if pun at all) awaiting the test results. My roommate at college had told me I should go, that he had seen similar cases. I took his advice and set an appointment for the next weekend. Patience (patients EH EH EH) soon subsided to a newfound interest in popsicle sticks and cotton swabs. Several phalluses later, the doctor stepped in holding his charts.
“Mr. Dallamora?” “Yep, still me.” “Right. Well I'm afraid I have bad news.” “The results were negative?” “…that would be good news. The results were positive.” “If the results are positive how is that a bad thing, doc? Last time I checked positive was on the right side of zero. Right equals good.” (checks charts) “I can't fucking believe your head passed these CATSCAN tests.” “That'll learn you to hold unmonitored tests.” “What?” “Nothing. So what's wrong with me?” “Nerd-dom, it seems. You're a full-blooded nerd.” “Oh. Oh jesus…” “I'll…leave for a while. There's a gun next to tongue depressors.” “The whats?” “The popsicle sticks.” “Sweet.”
So what was once deniable was now the opposite: undeniable. I was double-majoring in Computer Science and Mathematics at a full-fledged technical school. I grew up on Magic: The Gathering and D&D. I get excited when Google releases new products. There was little anyone could say to refute what the doctor told me that day, not that anyone tried.
Days fell of the calendar much like the sequence found in many television shows and movies. Clock hands spinning in the background and everything. Life did not seem worth living. So I did what any decent human being would have done. I took the plunge.
I had watched Dragonball Z in the past, just never took any of it seriously or bothered to remember anything that happened. I almost felt suckered into watching the few episodes I did. I now found myself partaking upon what my parents had so vigorously tried to stray me away from. Poorly dubbed voices of valor and morals battled those equally poorly dubbed voices of vice and selfishness. The storylines actually aren't bad, and soon I got interested.
Interested in Dragonball Z. My mother would have cried at the sight. I guess it was all over. Talking to girls about fast cars, freestyling at a sweet party, jumping over fire pits. College as every man knows it was over, and there was no turning back.
So I watched the entire season of DBZ.
And though I enjoyed the entire thing, I noticed certain tendancies…
[open scene]
Announcer: “LAST TIME” Announcer: “ON DRAGONBALL Z” Announcer: “(sips on water)” Announcer: “Savior of the earth and second-coming of Jesus Christ Goku prepares himself for what very likely will be his toughest challenge.”
Goku: “You're good, Buu. I'm really not sure if I'm even capable of beating you, but I like a good challenge. Besides, I'm lying and am totally going to kamehameha you into fucking oblivion”
Announcer: “Yes, we always forget about the kamehameha. And the spirit bomb. And pretty much every move Goku uses that doesn't involve something falling on his foot, resulting in him hopping up and down for 50 seconds.”
Buu: “Wagga dagga wooo wooooo!”
Announcer: “Jesus-fucking-Christ I hate this guy. He talks like a cripplingly-autistic bag of bark mulch. I'll pay Goku four-hundred bucks to cauterize his mouth shut.”
Announcer: “But, as always, Goku's
brother and prince of all Saijans Vegeta noses his way into business
far above his freakishly large head.” Vegeta: “Kakarot, how dare you treat me like some subservient rodent! I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIJANS. I am the greatest fighter in the universe. Step aside, Kakarot, and see what being a Saijan is all about.”
Goku: “I don't know, Vegeta. This guy's pretty tough. I think it's going to take a lot more than 18 inches of forehead to beat him.”
Vegeta: “I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIJANS.”
Announcer: “We then were witness to Vegeta being beat up by Goku's wife, Chi-Chi, for about the millionth time in as many episodes this season. So now we watch and see Goku fight Buu as the fate of the world rests in his hands.”
[cue dramatic music]
Goku: “Well, this is it, Buu. There's nothing left for us to do but get this over with.”
Buu: “PHHHHT plabalabalaba”
[14.5 real-time hours later]
Goku: “Enough! We fight now.”
Buu: WOOOOOOOOO hehehe.”
[7 phases of the moon pass]
Buu: “Winky dinky wahlalalalalalalalala”
Goku: “You are a strong opponent!”
Vegeta: “Fuck this, I can't take it anymore. I don't care if I die as long as I don't have to wait for something to happen anymore. I AM THE PRINCE OF ALL SAIJANS.”
Goku: “Vegeta, wait!”
[Buu somehow absorbs Vegeta or something]
Goku: “NO!”
Buu: “Num nums!”
[4 episodes replay every scene that Vegeta was ever in]
Goku: “Ah! You killed Vegeta! You will pay for you evil ways, Buu. Thank God I can resurrect quicker than I can bake a potato. ”
[Buu has began sucking it's thumb and eating handfuls of dirt]
[98 United States presidents are elected and serve full terms]
Jesus Christ will you just use super cannon lasers on each other? The amount of time required to witness an entire fight in Dragonball Z is equivalent to watching a single pitch from Hideo Nomo. It's like trying to take a whiz and finding an obstruction lodged far enough to oppose winkle. Frusting, I says.
So the fight probably ensues by now and both fighters brandish battle scars. Words are then met between the two.
Goku: You're stronger than I thought.
Buu: EEE oooo. EEE oooo.
Goku: I bet you're trying to express similar emotions. I just hope one of us lives to see the end of this fight.
About a lightbulb's average life expectancy later we find our two fighters at the bitter end. Struggling to stay alive, let alone continue the fight.
Goku: I have regained all my health!
Buu: As have I! Surely this miracle is splendid! Diggy poopy bapapapapa.
You go to the closet to make sure the noose has stayed tied. This show has one hour left to wrap up, or you're going to wrap it up yourself.
Goku: Laser Fire At Opponent!
Buu: Death! Ehaahahehehealehlahelahlehalehalhela
Finally the fight is over. I've been looking forward to these 5.5 episodes of chivalrous nonsense and romantic bullshit for weeks. Let's re-establish the relationship of Goku and Chi-Chi for eleven hours. I have nothing better to do than become a chick.
And thank me for sparing you the boring bullcrap that started this whole Dragonball Z storyline. It consists of Goku fighting someone 500x less a level, a tortoise, and a GREEN SPACE CREATURE THAT WE SUDDENLY FIND OUT IS AN ALIEN. The plot twists are just too severe for any human being to comprehend.
I followed the show enough to travel with it to Dragonball GT. Well, jeez. The title says Dragonball Z, am I allowed to Dragonball GT? Well, I couldn't come up with a title as clever as the one above, so I guess I can. If you only followed through Z and am now disappointed to see it venture into GT, then you cry about it. No title tells me what to do.
The only difference between GT and Z was that everyone got older except for Goku, for some reason. He even eventually turns up as a kid. Time knows no bounds when it comes to a children's cartoon analyzed by a self-proclaimed college student. Like this show was ever meant to be anything more than a pacifier for middle-aged mothers involved in alleged affairs.
I believe it was the great Gregory the Jock who first put it as, “Dragonball Z s'fer queers.”
Wise words from a wise man. Yes, I may have taken interest in what very well may be the second coming of “Revenge of the NerdsVII”, but it's a better hobby than doing drugs or joining gang.
Section two of this article is dedicated to the millions of people on the internet who post their own nude depictions of both the female women on this show: Chi-Chi and Boma (Vegeta's wife). Oh yes, it's all there. Chi-Chi on Boma. Boma on Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi on the old guy. The old guy on a rather large patch of barnacles. Endless matchups.
It has not only filled my inner-most quandaries with answers, but has also lifted me to a peak of uttermost joy, where my knowledge knows no bounds.
People are fucking sick. Who the hell would take a children's cartoon character and draw her sucking a dog's weiner? It is incalculable how fucking distorted and warped these fucking kids must be. If I ever opened my kid's draw and saw a picture of Pepe Le Pew cunnilingus-ing Babs from Tiny Toons I'd beat him so hard with a garden hose he wouldn't remember how to keep score in tennis. That'll teach him to strike out in little league.
So that concludes this edition of critiques on children's culture. Next week, tune in as I verbally claim my distaste for song lyrics by Raffi and Nickeleon's newest failed attempt at a children's reality TV show. If time permits I'll post my top 300 favorite hentai moments from DBZ.
Peace ‘er easy. |
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