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July 29th, 1998
What's the problem with America today? That's a question on everyone's mind, and a difficult one to answer. You could consider inflation rates, unemployment, the federal budget deficit, or government spending. You could say urban development, lack of funding for education, poor parenting, or a fluctuating crime rate. You could say a lack of faith in government, corruption in high levels of power, or conspiracy. Hell, you could say the Jeffersons for all I care, because I KNOW what's wrong with America.
Rowdy teenagers! You know the kind! Huge baggy pants down around their ankles, FILA hockey jerseys (note to the reader: if you own a hockey jersey that features any company or brand name logo as the main feature, please, leave the page now. In fact, do us all a favor and stab yourself in the eye), pierced everythings and hippie haircuts. It makes me reflect back to a simpler time. A time when records were still being played on turntables...a time when a young upstart named Balboa toppled the mighty Apollo Creed and became Heavyweight Champion...a time when Michael Jackson was still black. Who took care of teenagers then?
A crazed maniac in a bag/hockey mask, that's who. Jason Vorhees, straight out of Crystal Lake, had a great deal of experience dealing with rowdy teenagers. If the camp counselors tried to knock boots upstairs in that old abandoned cabin in the middle of the dark woods in the middle of the night, who was waiting for them? Jason. Whenever the hormonal young people wanted to go skinny dipping in the middle of the dark woods in the middle of the night, who was waiting for them? Jason. And who jabbed that blade through the skull of the stupid handicapped kid from part two? Jason!
But teenagers are growing...expanding...beginning to spread! Now they're everywhere you look, from radio to phonograph to Morse code, and especially on television. So who better to deal with J. Crew wearing wannabe "cool kids?"
Must I say his name again?
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| DAWSON'S CREEK | JASON |
Ouch. I guess Jason has a FILA hockey jersey.
THE WUSSY KID ON THE CANOE THING
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Hi, my name is Dawson, main character of the show, and this is my creek. I'm a sensitive soul, a movie buff, an aspiring film maker, and I look a lot like Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. In fact...I wonder if I could stop time...let me try. Okay....um...TIME OUT!!! No...that didn't work. Oh well, AC Slater is nowhere to be found, so I guess the SBTB references should stop here. Hey, I wonder if Zack and Kelly ever did the horizontal macarena. Well, who cares, because I'm going to make a movie. A great movie. A scary movie. Do you like scary movies? What about Scream? Or Scream 2? Or I Know What You Did Last Summer? Or I Know What You Did Last Summer But Instead of Telling You Right Off the Bat I'm Going To Show Jennifer Love Hewitt in Really Really Tight Shirts For the First Hour? Well they're all the same movie, but that's beside the point. Horror movies should beGAHHHH!!!!!! <<Jason emerges from Dawsons Creek and rips Dawson to pieces>>
THE HOT CHICK FROM THAT MOVIE
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Hi, I'm Joey, and I play Neve Campbell on Party of Five. I'm the girl that everybody on the show likes, including Dawson and that other guy with the bad hair, whats-his-name. I'm really cute, and I like to spoil things by threatening to move away, entering beauty pageants, and making out with a guy who isn't supposed to be making out with me. Also, I like to lie to perfect strangers and say that I'm from a distant place, like New York or Melrose Place. I'm really in love with Dawson, but (even though I'm an attractive female) I've been typecast as the shy one, the smart one, and the one with the dead mother. So what I'm going to do now is probably kiss somebody or GACK!!! <<Jason proceeds to choke her to death for being so annoying>>
THE GUY WHO BANGED HIS TEACHER
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Hi, I'm Reggie Mantle, or "Mantle the Magnificent." I'm really good at sports and stuff, and all the chicks dig me. I want to do the hooptie-dance with Joey, but that Dawson guy always gets in the way. I might have an ego the size of Texas, but I've got the social skills up the gazoot. I slept with my teacher, pulled a "Screech" by entering a female beauty contest, and am the "lovable rogue" of the Dawson's Creek posse. I just wish they'd stop singing that blasted "Sugar Sugar" song. Joey might not show me attention, but I can go out with Jen, the girlfriend of Moose Mason! Yeah, that's the ticket. Then I'll tell Jughead to stick that crown up his AAAAAAAAAH!!!! <<Jason crushes his head>>
THE GIRL FROM HALLOWEEN WHO ISN'T A TRANSEXUAL
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Hi, I'm Jennifer, the pissy girl with the bad reputation. I never smile, and I love to break men's hearts. I have a dark, secret past that involves sexual promiscuity, underhanded activity, and a little bit of New York charm. I'll be the first one to lie for you in a good situation, but don't expect me to be productive. I'm never happy. You could give me a million dollars, and I'd just sit here, looking mopey. I'm the standard angry white female, so watch out! But, well, I'm hot, so who cares? That Dawson guy will just fawn over me for a little while, and since he's the main character I'll get extra air time. Wait a sec...isn't that Jason guy around? Yeah, I was just wondering, because if I'm the slut here that means that I'm the first to gOOOOOHH!!!! <<Jason stuffs her in a bag and drags her back to his shack for a little "silk" stalking...heh heh heh....>>
choo choo choo....kill kill kill...choo choo choo....kill kill kill.....
Satisfied that he's rid the creek of troubled teens, Jason returns to his watery grave. "Too bad this is on the WB," Jason thinks. "Not only can their be no extreme profanity or nudity, but no one will actually watch it. HEY Sister Sister is on!"
THE WINNER
JASON
I don't wanna wait...for our liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiives to be takeeeeeeeeeeeeeen....*
*blood bars
