Danica Patrick Lost the Indy 500
So let's get back to not giving a shit about racing
written by Nick on May 31, 2025

The sports media has the insatiable habit to harp on one subject until it bleeds from your pores. Look around. As my good friend Jon of Progressive Boink will tell you, you can't turn on ESPN without hearing the word “steroids” at least forty times. Just as last year you couldn't watch anything sports related without hearing about the Alex Rodriguez situation. It gets to be as monotonous as Sunday Mass.

Turn on TV.

Kneel.

Sit.

Hear about Jeter diving into the stands.

Stand.

Sit.

Listen to Stewart Scott say “Bing bing ba ding-a-ling” as LeBron James slam dunks a basketball.

Kneel.

Eat crackers.

Drink Mott's Grape Juice.

(Some may sneak out at this point)

Sit.

Steroid Hour.

Yeah, the guy who always snuck out of church right after he received Eucharist. I guess in retrospect leaving at this point would actually have been a good idea.

Whoa, Ron Artest looks pissed. He's running right towards

HOLY SHIT MAN IT WASN'T *PUNCH*

So what do I do about it? I wait for one of those big issues to develop and I write satiric boring bullcrap about it. Yes, always the activist I am I choose to speak out publicly to my avid readers (consisting of every IP address I can get my hands on).

Sup

So, as I'm sure you've already noticed, Danica Patrick is the latest hyped-up story that nobody wants to hear about anymore. This is my plea to shut the fuck up about this girl and the sport of Indy racing altogether.

“ Danica Patrick, this attractive 5-foot-1, 100-pound woman, battles in a man's world with amazing success, and shows the determination to become one of the nation's brightest sports stars. Patrick is one of the nation's best young auto racers.”

-danicaracing.com

Now that we're all up to speed let's get to the nitty gritty. ESPN caught sight that a woman was entering the Indy 500, which they immediately published since it had only happened 4 times before. Then Danica posted the fastest lap on carb-day, whatever the hell that is. I'm guessing it's the day before the race when every racer eats lots of pasta. My cross-country team used to do that. Carb-day.

So this took the racing world over by storm. Not only was she a woman competing in a man's sport but she put up the best time. Odds started swinging in her favor. She was gaining respect in the racing world, so she did what ever single woman has done in her position thus far. She posed in For Him Magazine.

The only woman ever to breakthrough a field normally dominated by men without wearing revealing clothing for a cheap skin magazine is Condoleeza Rice, and thank god she didn't. Now I'm plenty aware that Danica Patrick is an attractive woman, BUT WHY WOULD SHE NOT CHOOSE THE HIGH ROAD. She could have become the first female “athlete” (I still can't believe I'm writing an article about racing) to gain respect while keeping her normal attire on. I imagine it's easier said than done when Coconuts: The Magazine offers you 38 G's to straddle the hood of a hot rod.

The worst part of the entire issue is that it's about racing. Indy car racing got so goddamn lucky with this story. In a survey I conducted myself where the participants were asked to name one open-wheeled racer 100% answered Danica Patrick. If I had asked this question 6 months ago I bet the dominant answer would have been “Toadstool” or “Yoshi”.

So, just as in any case where a man's superiority is questioned, soon arose controversy. Other Indy car racers started speaking out towards Danica. Yes, they kept things as politically correct as possible, but the point was clear: she had an advantage over all the other racers. She's listed as weighing 100 pounds, whereas every other racer in the league weighs close to 200 pounds. This allows her team to put around 100 pounds of extra power into her car. Well this could explain the carb day run, but isn't there skill involved in actually racing other drivers? The answer is “No, there is not”. Racing is not a skill and I will kill myself the day I respect those involved as actual athletes.

Since she lost nobody really gives a crap about her anymore, so it was relatively easy to schedule an interview with the young racer. Here's the text-transcription of the tape I recorded:

Progressive Boink: This thing is the cheapest piece of crap. I'll be surprised if I can interpret anything either of us says afterwards. I think it's on.

Danica Patrick: Shouldn't you ask me a question or something?

PB: Give me a minute. Jesus. You'd think you won the Indy 500 or something.

DP: I came in fourth.

PB: Last time I checked they didn't give out medals made of chocolate at the Olympics. First question, what got you interested in racing?

DP: Well it was in my blood, really. My father was a racer and I pretty much grew up with

PB: Alright, I thought that was going to be a lot more interesting than it's turning out to be. Have you ever crashed and blown up your car?

DP: Well at Long Beach 2003 I crashed.

PB: And…and you blew up?

DP: Well, no. Not at all, actually.

PB: Don't you get bored driving all the time?

DP: Never. I love racing. It's the most exhilarating experience I could ever imagine.

PB: Have you ever imagined swimming in a pool or riding a bike?

DP: No, I don't think so.

PB: That would explain it. So when you drive home from a race do you get all sorts of tickets?

DP: It is hard to just turn off the racer in you. You want to swerve around all the cars on the highway.

PB: I asked if you got tickets. You completely ignored my question.

DP: Sometimes, I guess.

PB: I've never gotten a ticket. I guess that says a lot about women drivers.

DP: It probably means you drive like a pussy.

PB: This world isn't fit for your reckless ways, Patrick. Soon racing will be illegal. You're setting a terrible example for us law-abiding citizens.

DP: That'd probably help our ratings.

PB: HIYOOOOOOOOOOOO

So now that the hype has been deflated from Danica Patrick's career, and vicariously Indy racing, we can all sit around and wait for the next big controversy to arise and listen to Bob Ley argue that the individuals involved probably used steroids. Four months ago I heard him say that Ron Artest should be tested for steroids, that no normal human being would be capable of such a violent outburst without the influence of ‘roids, despite the fact that Ron Artest weighs one-hundred and thirty-five pounds.

I'm about 95% convinced that Bob Ley is on steroids.

This just in, Michael Jordon used steroids should he be allowed in the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield? With more informative insight is ESPN's very own steroids specialist, Bob Ley. Bob? What's the latest news?

Well, Nick, it seems as though steroids steroids steroids steroids steroids.

Michael Steroids steroids steroids steroids.

Thanks, Bob. Do you think that Danica Patrick used steroids?

Of course she did. What're you stupid or something?

How can you be so sure? I was kidding. I don't even see how steroids are applicable to racing.

She's on ESPN, or as I like to call it, SSSS.

The bottom line is that athletes will do anything to win,

even if it means steroids steroids steroids steroids steroids steroids.

<video feed is cut>

Bob Ley is an incredibly intelligent man.

So, folks, I hope we can all learn from this experience. If I want you guys to come away with anything from this article it's the notion that racing shouldn't be clogging up my sports magazines. It's not even like the pictures are interesting. Even the crashes are starting to become boring. Racing ruined firey crashes. What's next, trips to Grandma's house and Peach Cobbler? It's got to stop.

The next time you're planning on supporting the latest racing topic by watching a minority drive around in circles do yourself a favor and buy a pack of gum and chew on that for a while instead. The urges will subside as soon as you're able to recognize that racing is RACING and not fun or entertaining or any indication of talent. Having a right foot and two hands is not talent.