| "Good morning! I'm Britney Spears!
You should go see my new movie, Crossroads! It's the bomb
diggity! P.S. I want Mike Fireball's sexy body!"
I bet you can't guess which of the above
statements is false! Give up? It was the first one! It's actually
3 in the afternoon. We sure fooled them, didn't we, Britney?
"Yes! I like to drink Pepsi because
it makes me feel strong, just like a woman should!"
Yeah, you tell... wait a minute, what?!
"Look! My picture is on a lunch box!" |
|
...Uh-huh. Look kids, I know how much you all like looking at pictures
of Britney Spears, but the truth is, I'm not going to be talking
about that Crossroads movie. Oh no, I'm going to be talking about
the OTHER Crossroads movie.
 |
"Huh? Other Crossroads movie?! What ever do you
mean?" |
 I
mean this other Crossroads movie. From 1986, starring DANIEL-SAN!!
himself, Ralph Macchio, & some grumpy old guy. You'd think with
these two ingredients, it'd be a great movie. The Karate Kid &
the Outsiders were both great movies. And everybody knows that grumpy
old guys are hilarious. Especially when they're mad at you. There's
this guy who comes through the drive-up at the bank that I work
at & he thinks we're all morons. Mostly me though, because my
face gets red as I bite my tongue & try not to laugh while he's
going off on his little rant about how we have no common sense &
how it shouldn't take longer than 5 seconds to finish his transaction
because he's been banking with us for 387 years. It's my masochistic
form of weekly entertainment.
According to the Internet Movie Database, there
are 9 different movies called Crossroads. But the only ones they
had any real information on were these 2. So according to the Internet
Movie Database, there are 2 different movies called Crossroads that
more than 10 people have seen. About 11 have seen this one, &
out of everybody I asked, only 2 people that I know remember seeing
it. And one of them was my brother.
And now, without further ado, Fireball Classic
Theatre is proud to present the abridged version of the 1986 movie...
CROSSROADS!
 |
"Hello! I am EUGENE-SAN!! I am a
young guitar prodigy living at the Julliard Arts School in
New York! My true passion is the Blues, circa the 1930's.
Robert Johnson ROCKS MY FACE!! I am working on a tune that
combines the Blues with Mozart. I hope that it will ROCK YOUR
FACE!! at the end of the movie." |
 |
"EUGENE-SAN!! As your teacher, mentor,
& guy whose picture could not be found anywhere on the
stupid internet, I am appalled at your attempt to combine
the Blues with Mozart! You are a disgrace to the Julliard
Arts School in New York! I don't really remember if I even
have a beard in this movie!" |
|
"Oh no! My dreams of becoming a
blues man have been shattered! Now I shall go back to work
at the local old folks home! I am a janitor there!" |
 |
"Hello EUGENE-SAN!! I am Willie
Brown, the grumpy old guy Mike was talking about up there.
When I was a boy, I played the blues harmonica with Robert
Johnson. Now get out of my room, you sneaky little punk!" |
|
"Really?! Robert Johnson ROCKS MY
FACE!! I wanted to be a famous musician & unlock the mysteries
of the blues, but my teacher, mentor, & guy whose picture
could not be found anywhere on the stupid Internet said I
was a disgrace." |
|
"You suck, cracker. But if you help
me escape, I will take you to Mississippi with me & teach
you what the blues are all about. I will even teach you Robert
Johnson's lost song. For now, leave me alone so I can trim
my bonsai tree!" |
|
"Oh, Willie, that would be great!
Wait here while I put some clothes on over this sexy undershirt!" |
|
"Uh-oh! The bus dropped us off in
Tennessee! We will now be hobos for the rest of the trip!
Let's hop on this truck full of chickens!" |
 |
"No problem! I love sharing the
back of a truck with a bunch of chickens! It's my idea of
a real good time!"
Crossroads Fun Fact #1: This is the
only actual quote from the movie I've used so far. |
 |
"Hello, EUGENE-SAN!! My name is
Frances! You can't tell from this picture of me, which isn't
even from this movie, but I am really hot! How would you like
me to show you MY idea of a real good time?" |
|
"Hey, aren't you the chick from
the Lost Boys? Oh baby, you must be a parking ticket, because
you've got FINE written all over you!" |
|
"OK, we're going to stop in this
town for the night. Now I'm well-respected around these parts,
so try not to embarrass me when we go up on stage & play
the blues for my old fart friends & a bunch of racist
punks." |
|
"Wow, we really ROCKED THEIR FACES,
Willie! Now I'm a real blues man!" |
|
"You suck, cracker." |
|
"I think you are a real blues man,
EUGENE-SAN!! Let's have sex!" |
|
"OK, but only if we can do it on
that truck with all the chickens." |
|
"Wake up, EUGENE-SAN!! It's time
to go to Mississippi!" |
|
"Oh no! Where has Frances gone?" |
|
"She ditched you, cracker. Congratulations,
you've been used." |
|
"Woohoo!! Now I am a real blues
man!" |
|
"You suck, cracker. But there's
something I have to tell you. Remember all that stuff I said
about teaching you Robert Johnson's lost song if you helped
me escape from New York? I lied. There is no lost song. I
just wanted you to help me escape so I could come back to
Mississippi to get my soul back." |
|
"Huh?! But Willie, you have plenty
of soul, you sly dog!" |
|
"No, you stupid white boy! I mean
my real soul. Robert Johnson & I sold our souls to the
devil so that we would be really good blues musicians &
ROCK EVERYBODY'S FACES!! But the truth is, now that I'm old
& tired, I don't want to ROCK ANYMORE FACES!!" |
|
"But Willie, how can we possibly
get your soul back from the devil?!" |
|
"We'll have to go back to where
we met him the Crossroads." |
|
"Oh, you mean that new Britney Spears
movie? Dude, she's hot!" |
 |
"Why thank you, EUGENE-SAN!! That's
very sweet of you! Let's have sex!" |
|
"We can't have sex now, Britney
Spears! You're waiting until you're married, remember? Besides,
I have to go have a guitar duel with the devil's evil guitar
player henchman guy now!" |
 |
"EUGENE-SAN!! I am Jack Butler,
the devil's evil guitar player henchman guy! I am so evil
that the only picture of me from this movie on the stupid
Internet from this movie is a really bad one!!" |
|
"Finally, we will now have our guitar
duel so I can save Willie's soul! Welcome to the only reason
to sit through the first hour & a half of the movie!" |
|
"Hahaha, EUGENE-SAN!! You are no
match for my metal guitar skills! I AM ROCKING YOUR FACE!!" |
|
"Now is the time to ROCK YOUR FACE!!
with my tune that combines the Blues with Mozart! Take this,
evil guitar player henchman guy!" |
|
"You suck, demon. You got tooled
by a cracker. But hey, thanks for my soul back. Now we can
end this stupid movie. Wax off, sucka." |
Look, I'll be dead honest with you. The only reason
to sit through this movie is to see Eugene & Jack's guitar duel
at the end. And while it's not quite the same, here's an mp3 of
it.
Download
the Crossroads Guitar Duel (7.88 mb)
There are about 6 or 7 other points in the movie
that have guitar playing in it, which is more reasons than there
are to sit through the Britney Spears movie of the same name. There's
only reason to sit through that...
|
