To many a child of the 80s, Contra
is considered one of the most cherished video games of all time.
So after Matt was introduced to the game last spring
& wrote a short, subsequent post on his experience entitled
"Contra Is Fucking Hard," I decided to team up with him
so that he could see the true beauty of the NES classic. Together,
we'll be taking an in-depth look at the game, & ripping it apart
by the seams.
Let's start by looking at the highly detailed plot!
A.D. 2631: The story begins when New Zealand reports that
a meteor crashed into the nearby ocean.
Two Years Later: Red Falcon begins the destruction of
humanity.
Two of earth's marines, Bill & Lance, become the Contra.
Their mission: Stop the world's destruction.
Earth go boom.
  Dude, if I were the Marines, I totally wouldn't
believe the New Zealand people because they lie. Really, they do.
I mean, they basically said, "Bah, it's just a meteor, gov'nah.
Take a load off, have a Foster's. I'll go put another shrimp on
the barbee!" They should've known better. For starters, an alien
with a sissy Earth name like Red Falcon must be pretty bitter about
it after a tortured childhood. And the government acted all surprised
when they found out that he was bent on conquering our planet. I
mean, come on... it's like naming your kid Prudence. Naming your
kid Prudence is like saying "Hello! I want my child to be an
ugly little nerd for the rest of her life!" Silly parents.
They should've named her a hot girl's name, like Samus.
On the other hand, if all it takes to stop this big,
scary alien is two Australian guys with guns & no shirts on,
I don't see where the big threat of destroying humanity comes in.
Things must work differently in the 27th century than they do now.
In the 20th century, the Contra was a counterrevolutionary force
in Nicaragua, made up of thousands of members. Humans must've toughened
up quite a bit by the time Red Falcon shows up, because this Contra
is just made up of a pair of Chippendale's dancers.
The moral of the story is, if an alien ever tries
to attack you, just show it your nipples & fire a pistol at
him. That should make him back off, but in case it doesn't, here's
our extended guide to how to beat the living daylights out of it,
in 8 easy (and I use that term loosely) steps.
Level 1: Jungle
The action begins on the alien infested shores of 26th Century New
Zealand. Your mission: shoot everything in sight. Your assets: a
plasma gun, a pair of those camouflage pajama pants with the feet
on them, & 3 lives. Yeah, I know, there's a code that gets you
30. Everybody knows that code. Up, up, down, down, left, right,
left, right, B, A, Start. You know what? I don't need your sissy
code to beat this game. And let me tell you, that's all I had to
do to impress my friends back in the day. Nowadays, if I really
wanted to impress my friends, I'd need a nice car, a well-paying
job that I enjoy, & a beautiful girl that'll actually stick
around for more than 4 weeks. Back then, if you could beat Contra
without the code, you could pretty much start your own religion.
Weaponry was what set Contra apart from other games of its kind.
There were 7 different power-ups that could change your objective
from "shoot everything in sight" to "get the laser before player
2 does" once that glowing football thing flew overhead.
R is for Rapid Fire. This power-up
was supposed to make your shots travel faster. So instead of your
bullets going 50 miles an hour, they go 60 miles an hour. This wasn't
a very big improvement, not even from the everyday plasma gun you
started with. And yes, plasma guns are an everyday household item
in the future. This is mostly due to the fact that the bullets travel
a whole lot more slowly.
M is for Machine Gun. This was a
real power-up. The bullets didn't travel any faster or cause any
more damage to the backpacking football players & their robot
friends, but it did leave your thumb a lot less sore since you could
just hold the button in & have automatic rapid fire right there.
What's the first thing everyone always remembers about Contra? The
30 lives code? Oh, shut up. Ok, fine. What's the SECOND thing everyone
always remembers about Contra? The exploding bridge, of course!
Remember the first time you jumped over it & landed safely on
the other side? You were the hero of the block, weren't you? Yes
you were!
F is for... oh, crap. Fireball.
This weapon sucks, & frankly I'm embarrassed to share a name
with it. The fireballs travel in spirals that you can literally
outrun. Anything that gets hit by this thing deserves to die.
L is for "Laser." Invented by
Dr. Evil in the 1960s, the "Laser" was 4 times as powerful as a
normal gun. To most, the "Laser" was the ultimate weapon in the
game. Kids would get into fights over who deserved to wield the
almighty "Laser" during a 2-player game, & the fight would last
until the guy who got it got hit because he was too busy yelling
& then reset the game due to a "lack of fairness" by the Nintendo.
S is for Spread Gun. Now this was
what I considered to be the ultimate weapon in the game. In fact,
this was what I considered the ultimate weapon in ANY game. I wanted
one for Christmas one year, but I wasn't too upset when Santa gave
me the Ninja Turtles game instead. The feeling I got whenever I
saw that letter S was as close to the feeling I get nowadays when
I see a cute girl as I could get at age 7.
When we got to this here boss, I figured I'd show you a little something
else that Contra introduced to the video game universe... stealing
lives. This was the first game to allow players who lost all their
lives to steal a life from the other player so they could stay in
the game. This also resulted in reset games, black eyes, & a
week without speaking to each other.
Level 2: Base 1
This level boasted 3-D graphics, but the thing is, you could only
see 2 dimensions at a time. Still, in 1988, this was pretty impressive.
This was the coolest thing ever seen in a video game. "Whoa! The
guy's running... forward! You know, like... up, & stuff!"
Your mission in this level was to infiltrate the base by shooting
glowing targets on the far wall. You can't see them very well in
this screenshot, because there's a group of pesky, red-headed gymnasts
with guns in the way. They'd hop around the room & shoot at
you. Also shooting at you were fake wall target gun thingies that
looked like Flat-Top from Dick Tracy had a love child with a Snifit
from Mario 2.
Sometimes the evil gymnasts in green leotards would throw exploding
corn dogs at you. And then there'd be rooms where deadly Arkanoid
paddles would come out of the floor & try to trip you. Aliens
are really screwed up in the head.
The last wall had a HOLY GIANT MUTANT TARGET, BATMAN! Watch as I
demonstrate the danger of the electric barrier that the big target
is controlling."
There would be a hopping evil gymnast in red leotards in some of
the rooms that would toss you a power-up when you shot it. Let's
see what this one gives me... oh crap!
This is the 2nd level boss. It's a computer with some guns &
blinking red dots. All you really have to do here is shoot the red
dots & avoid being shot at.
E is for Eye Drop Gun. After you
got rid of the guns & red dots, the computer would wake up &
expose its itchy, watery eyeball. Then he'd get really upset &
cry on you. Keep in mind that we're not dealing with regular crying
here... these are giant circular acid bubble alien tears! The easiest
way to beat him was to find the secret Eye Drop Gun. You got it
from the jumping Ben Stein in red tights earlier in the level.
Then instead of trying to kill you, the computer would let out a
monotone "wow" of relief & offer you a ride to the next level
on its magical forklift.
Level 3: Waterfall
This level was unique in that it was vertical. You climbed up the
waterfall (pronounced "wood-er-fawl" with my South Jersey pseudo-Philly
accent) to reach the enemy base at the top.
See the guy hiding in the water shooting explosives? I hate that
guy. Why? Well, I don't know...
GAH!
He never really caused me a lot of trouble. But
for some reason, I really hated him & got a really satisfying
feeling of accomplishment whenever I shot him.
B is for Force Field. That is seriously
what the instruction manual said. It was really for Barrier,
but as everybody knows, third-party video game companies has a habit
of hiring idiots to write their instruction manuals. This power-up
made you invincible for a while. Anything you touched that could
explode did just that. The only thing that bugged me was that it
was hard to tell when it stopped, because the music didn't change
or anything, so you had to watch carefully.
I used to have this incurable reflex where every time I was about
to fall into a pit, I'd pause the game. This was immediately followed
by a military funeral fanfare, hummed by any of my friends that
happened to be there watching. "Duh-duh-duuuuuuuuuh!"
The entrance to the next base came alive & started breathing
fire from its mouth & flailing... stubs. Kind of reminds
me of when my kindergarten teacher got pissed off at me for saying
"the A-word" in class one day. Except she only had one
stub.
Oh yeah, & she didn't turn into an enemy base when you shot
her in the mouth. Believe me. I've tried.
Level 4: Base 2
I remember my first time getting to 2nd base. It was a beautiful
night. The stars were out. Everything was perfect. Hey, I see you
guys have redecorated. Smashing job!
In this base, several of the targets had special shields over them
that you had to break in order to get a good shot at the target
behind them. That was the only new thing in this level, so we're
just going to skip right to the boss.
This computer had midgets in football uniforms & big guns that
would run from behind it & shoot you.
Then another group of midgets would come out in Batman outfits &
try to jump on your head. These guys rule. They're my favorite enemies
in the entire game. Yeah, for some reason, I really liked shooting
them more than anyone else in the game. Even that jerk sitting in
the water. I hate that guy.
Now, there's been some controversy over what exactly these things
were. Some say they're Nazi generals in gas masks. Others say they're
Alf twins with marine hats. I always thought they looked like Transformers
with magic bubble wands. Yeah, they blew bubbles at you. Toxic alien
spit bubbles. They really hurt. Honest.
T is for Transformers Movie Gun.
Here's a rare trick that not many people know about. If you can
find the red ballet fairy in the base that gives you the secret
Transformers Movie gun, you can beat these guys in a snap. All you
had to do was shoot it into the hidden VCR in the middle of the
computer where a glowing red target used to be, & then fast
forward to the part where Optimus Prime dies. Everybody cries during
that scene. So while they're sobbing their eyes out, shoot them
in the face.
Silly robots. They'll never learn.
Level 5: Snow Field
Ok, now I'm really worried about the future of this planet. It's
not so much the alien invasion anymore. Now it's the plant life
that scares me. Not only are all evergreens completely bare from
the waist down, but they also throw exploding track & field
batons at you. Maybe the tree huggers know something we don't...
like that trees secretly hate us. So that's why they only eat plants!
They're concentrating their hunger on helping to prevent our predetermined
doom!
Useless Trick #1: Every game has
a little trick that looks cool, but is completely useless. Contra's
useless trick was this one rock. There are a lot of blue rocks in
the background scenery in Level 5, but this one was the only one
you could STAND on if you dropped down onto it. In fact, if you
moved just a tiny bit to the left, you could hover over the treetops
below. This is one of those things you can show to people &
they'll be like, "What the... I never knew that... that's messed
up!" As for its usefulness, it isn't, really. At all.
Falcon is for... um... Blow Stuff Up.
A new power-up shows up in this level. The falcon-shaped icon destroys
everything within about a 50 yard radius of it with a flash of blinding
light. As part of their training, Contra soldiers learn to develop
an immunity to the mass-destructive falcon bomb of doom, so as you
can see, I survive unscratched. Curled up in a ball & cowering
in fear, maybe, but not harmed in the least.
CANNONBALL! Oh wait, I forgot! This is COLD water! NO!
(presses pause)
"Duh-duh-duuuuuuuuuh!"
I hate you guys.
Oh no! It's the Giant Evil Zamboni Machine of Doom! Everybody hated
this thing. Some of us have had nightmares about it. I'm not going
to mention any names... including my own. No, instead, I shall sing
you a song! Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr.
Plow!
M is for Mega Man Gun. At the end
of this level, a spaceship that looks remarkably like Dr. Wily's
would show up in his ship & drop smaller spaceships on you.
But if you picked up the Mega Man gun earlier on in the level, he'll
be waiting here to help you out! Oh, wait... the M gave you a Machine
gun... I forgot. My bad.
At last, we've reached Red Falcon's tool shed! Who knows what vile
things he's doing in there? Probably looking for his evil, humanity-destroying
lawnmower-mobile! That fiend!
Level 6: Energy Zone
This level was crawling with gas leakages & little football
aliens hiding behind walls farting into them to create these massive
flames.
And if you look out the window on your left, you'll see... um, more
flames. And a hard to reach power-up. Timing was essential in this
level. Real quick show of hands: how many of you have thrown your
controller after your guy apparently decided out of his own free
will to take a break from ducking right when a flame was over his
head? Stupid Contra.
When you reached the end of the level, you had to face a giant mutant
alien boy with ADD who had to wear a helmet & pads outside.
And when he decided he wanted to throw his shuffleboard discs at
you from the other side of the room, you had to jump 10 feet in
the air over his little bubble head.
Ever notice how bosses in video games had a tendency to change colors
or "blink" as they took more damage? This always fascinated me as
a kid. I thought there was some kind of special pigment that was
common among the forces of evil that made their skin change colors
when exposed to pain. A small side effect that comes with the ability
to take several bullets to the head before flinching.
Da-da-da-da...
DA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA
Da-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Level 7: Hangar
You know that game in the arcade where you take the crane &
try to grab a teddy bear or something? They're all over this level,
but instead of picking you up, they just kill you. Probably gouge
into your back or something. Tasty.
Useless Trick #2: This level was
also full of spiked walls that would rise up from the floor. You
had to shoot them until they exploded before you could move on.
But if you timed it right, you could jump on top of some of them.
Didn't do a thing, but it looked cool when you showed your friends,
plus it bought you about 5 seconds of time you would've otherwise
spent shooting them.
Screw saving the world! I'm going gold diggin'!
I know you all had to look it up as a kid, so just to refresh your
memory...
hang’ ar noun, a shed for housing aircraft.
What?! Airplanes?? What kind of airplane shelter
has cranes, spiked walls, & mine carts all over it? The airplane
shelter of the future, that's what kind! Before I looked this up,
I had thought hangar meant some kind of electronic coal mine.
The boss of this level was nothing more than a blinking light above
the door. Sure, there were cannons on the floor that shot fireworks,
but if you just stood right in front of the door & kept shooting
the stupid light, you were in.
Honestly, I don't see why we couldn't just knock.
Level 8: Alien's Lair
Level 8 was dark & scary. And there was glowing scaly stuff
on the floor that blinked as if to say "Don't step on me. I
will kill you."
OH GOD
Well... now I understand why Red Falcon's so disgruntled.
If I had a genital problem like that, I'd want to kill everybody,
too.
Somehow, when I was little, my friends & I established that
these things were boobs, & the stuff they squirted out was superintelligent
powdered alien milk.
Needless to say, we thought this part was hilarious.
This is it?! All I have to do is blast Red Falcon's internal organs
until they explode & I save the world? Piece of caEEEK
SPIDERS!!!! Nobody said anything about spiders!!!
Since the invention of the explosion, there have been five explosions
that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left
them all behind.
And so, our hero has defeated the evil Red Falcon... or at least
given him an extremely bad case of heartburn. Now it's time to hitch
a ride home via helicopter.
As he looks back at New Zealand crumbling to its doom behind him,
our hero can't help but remember all the good times he had destroying
the evil alien race. The faint glisten of a tear shines in his eye.
SPEECH!! Watching those credits role was, indeed, a worthwhile experience.
And when I did it for the first time without dying (yeah, you heard
me), it was like the first time.
Download
the Contra ROM
(88kb .zip)
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