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Information for the College Bound Senior
It's called college, not nollege
Written by Nick on April 26th - 2004

Hello, my name is Nick, and I've been sent here to your classroom today to talk to you about the future. No, not spaceships and magic jellies! College! College is a great opportunity for you to develop new skills that will be necessary when tackling the working field. How many of you here are planning on attending a college of some sort?

(Three quarters of class raise hands)

Alright, and how many of you are going to attend a 4 year school?

(All of above raise hands, given one girl)

Seems like most of you. Well, Blaine's school of hair design also presents many prosperous careers, so the best of luck to you, little lady. As for the rest of you, you're about to embark on one of the most important ventures of your entire life, where you'll be making lifetime friends and preparing to establish a career path.

What I'm going to do is outline what you should be prepared to see in the near future. You kids are really lucky, you know that? I wish I had some stranger come into my classroom to tell me what college is like. I mean, I went into college with a blindfold on and it hit me like a brick. These types of seminars LOOK INTO THE FUTURE for you! HOW CAN YOU BADMOUTH SEMINARS THAT ARE NOT UNLIKE A CRYSTAL BALL?

Knowing what college is right for you!

There are many colleges out there and finding the right one can be as hard as finding a soul mate. In some ways your college will be like your soul mate, only you will share your soul mate with about 10,000 other people. That is one loose soul mate.

Picking the right school is all about knowing what you want to get out of your college years. Perhaps you're dumb as a brick and like to throw a football. In this case you'll probably want to go to a school that offers a deep athletics program. They will probably give you a lot of money to throw a football, and rob their mathematics majors of textbooks sufficient enough for their courses. Go team go.

Perhaps you like duck ponds. I, personally, enjoy duck ponds. If duck ponds are something you enjoy, you should probably find a school with a half-decent duck pond.

MOVING ONWARDS!!!

Visiting Colleges

I'm sure you'd find it to your best benefit to visit each college you may be considering. All colleges can appear fantastic in a brochure, but you really have to get on your hands and knees and dig around to find all the muck they hide from you. Did you know that Duke University has one co-ed bathroom for it's entire freshman class? You should see the sidewalks; you'd think it some sort of fetish colony.

Colleges like visitors! Sometimes when you visit college they give you a free lunch/pencil! You should probably even visit colleges you don't give a crap about, if not for the free lunch, for the excused absence from school. Which leads us to our next topic:

Don't try your senior year

Allow me to demonstrate. Let's pretend that you, young man, are my teacher. Let me sit in your seat. Ok, now approach me and attempt to issue me a standard text book.

(student presents book)

I AINT DOIN' SHIT (heaves book out window)

This is exactly what you should do if a teacher even tries to make you learn anything. You think your senior year matters? Pah! Senior year don't add up to crap. Think about it; you're sending applications to colleges with information regarding the past 3 years of your academic career, and then they either accept you or reject you. There is absolutely no time for them to even consider your senior year.

Questions?

GOOD. MOVING ON.

Drink a beer

It is both refreshing and inebriating. I thoroughly suggest it.

(drinks beer)

So you're in college, now what?

Many people will tell you that your first year at college is the most important, and that if you do well throughout this first year it will make for an easier college experience later on.

These people have lied to you, my friends. They should rename the "Freshman Year" the "Bling Bling Year". My best advice to you would be to get in the habit of skipping classes, as this skill will soon be necessary when recuperating from a 4-day bender. As I have said before, these are the years when you build traits you will need for the rest of your life. Now, what I've done is brought in a thirty rack today. I want each of you kids to take a beer and drink it as fast as you can. The winner should proceed to break appliances found around his general vicinity. Is he angry? No one really knows, but he can throw a heck of a football.

Dorm Room Rools

Your dorm room will now be your new home, given that you decide to live on campus. Those of you who decide to commute will soon realize that it was probably a gay decision.

This home should be treated with respect, but should also kick ass. Put up posters of Tarentino flicks like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction. It's also pretty necessary to nail shit to the wall that doesn't belong there, like broken guitars and empty water bottles. Don't forget to make it smell like an armpit.

You should probably invest in some sort of gaming device as well, preferably something hardcore and old school. Nintendo 64 is a safe bet, as you can be sure to spend many class periods trying to slam the gold in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1.

GOLD.
GOLD BABY.
GOLDILOCKS.
GOLDILOCKS.

Meeting new people

A great way to meet some of your fellow college-goers is to drink way too much at a frat party and puke all over some little vixen. Don't be shy, my children, go right out there and shake it like a Polaroid saltshaker.

It's often said that the friends you make in college will be the friends you keep for the rest of your life. I didn't go to college and I have a friend. You don't really need to make friends, is what I'm saying, you'll find one sooner or later. I got my friend at the Pick-a-Pup kennel the next town over. His name is Jibble Jibble.

Your roommates will probably be an entirely new group of people to you, given that you didn't wimp out and pre-select a roommate that you knew from high school. That's like placing a bet on every single square for a roulette spin. CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON HERE ARE YOUR CHIPS BACK DINGBAT.

You will eventually arrive at the decision that all people are gay and retarded and should be processed at their local deli.

Play intramural sports

God be praised if a single mortal can recall each intramural activity that his school offers. There are so many friggin' games to play it's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure that it's a state law in Colorado that wall punching be offered as an intramural sport.

Here is a list of intramural sports that everybody is allowed to play, no matter how much of an uncoordinated fucking dultz you are:

Nail Hammering
Best Cell Phone Ring
Ned Flanders Impersonating
Burning CDs
Falling Down Stairs in a Drunken Stupor

Appreciate the presentation you've just received

I get paid on commission, so every one of you kids needs to sign this sheet of paper for me. Fake names do count, so feel free to note yourself as "Weiner Man" or "Dingy Ding", I really don't care. I will also, at this time, pass around a tip jar. Now I'm not supposed to accept tips, but I sort of blew a wad of cash on a Gameboy SP last week and I need to meet rent. Thanks guys.

I'll leave you with this: College can be a great place, but only when you appreciate it for what it's really worth: an assload of sex and a smidge of complete and udder intoxication.

Hey ladies. Get funky.

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee