| A couple of my friends have asked
me to join them in a multi-site collaboration answering that unavoidable
question, "What cartoon characters did you think were hot?"
Normally I'd be totally game for a collab feature, but hot cartoon
chicks are overly covered grounds in the nostalgia circuit. So I
won't be writing this one. Instead, I'll just link their lists below,
& choose ten of my own favorite exceptionally sexily drawn cartoon
females, leaving the comments up to three old friends of mine. Ladies
& gentlemen, please welcome the Pool Jousters from Skate Or
Die!
POSEUR PETE
"Hey, dude, give me a break! I hate girls. They always break
my heart. And I don't treat them like objects to be rated on their
bodies & how well they're drawn, anyway. I just wish one would
frigging talk to me."
AGGRO EDDIE
"No prob. I know all about cartoon babes. I even offered to
fetch some pictures without their shirts on, but Fireball wouldn't
let me. Some crap about maintaining good taste, & treating the
female body as a work of art. You know who else thought so? The
MAN."
BIONIC LESTER
"I AM BIONIC! SEXY GIRLS OR DIE!!"
Alright, here they are in no particular order...
  
 #1.
Betty Cooper (Archie)
"OMG WTF MAN, VERONICA IS TOTALLY HOTTER THAN BETTY!
VERONICA OR DIE!!"
"Hah, Veronica?! She was a spoiled, rich vixen who will
tear your heart out & leave it to bleed on the sidewalk, as
the leaves slowly float to the ground. And stuff. I don't want to
date that. I want to date the bubbly blonde & go to the malt
shop & share an ice cream sundae. I want the chick who decorates
her room in hearts & rainbows. I want the girl who apologizes
to fire hydrants when she kicks them in frustration."
"SHE TOTALLY DIDN'T KICK THAT THING HARD ENOUGH! WET
T-SHIRT CONTEST OR DIE!!"
"Don't mess with Betty Cooper, dude. She will rock your
face off. Sure, she only played the tambourine in Archie's band,
but she will tambourine rock your face right the crap off. She's
not just some other braindead blonde. She was a mega babe who actually
could hold her own. The MAN dictates that she be a cheerleader,
but Betty dared to be both cheerleader & athlete. The girl even
knew how to tune up her own frigging car, & if she had to get
dirty doing it, so be it."
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I AM BIONIC,
AND I NEED A WOMAN TO GET DIRRTY!!"
  
 #2.
The Baroness (G.I. Joe)
"The Baroness was a spoiled rich girl who happened to
major in international terrorism in college, & caused more trouble
for the Joes than all the nuclear weapons Cobra tried to get their
hands on. So basically, she's everything I hate about girls wrapped
up in a neat little package."
"MORE LIEK A TIGHT, BLACK LEATHER PACKAGE!! WITH GLASSES!
AND A EUROPEAN ACCENT!! AM I RIGHT?"
"The real credit to the Baroness's beauty has to go to
Cobra. She had to get extensive plastic surgery after getting severely
burned in a night attack operation. Probably because she was wearing
all that frigging black. So I guess Cobra figured, 'Hey, why don't
we just make her majorly hot?' The surgery went so well, that the
guy with the metal face took notice to the Baroness's new look,
& immediately ranked her up to a personal assistance position
that (ahem) just opened up."
"WAIT... PETE HATES GIRLS BECAUSE THEY'RE INTERNATIONAL
TERRORISTS?!"
"They totally terrorize my heart, dude. Like, internationally
& junk."
"There was this one episode where the Joes get sucked
into this gnarly parallel dimension where Cobra had taken over the
world & crap. And the Baroness was really a double agent working
for the resistance, & she was totally in love with Steeler.
But the Steeler from the parallel dimension had died. And then the
real Steeler shows up, & he decides to stay behind to fight
the parallel dimension Cobra, & oh God I've gone cross-eyed!"
"OH SURE, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, BUT BUT WE ALL
KNOW THAT DEFEATING BIZARRO COBRA WAS BUMPED DOWN A LITTLE ON HIS
LIST OF REASONS TO STAY!! IF THE BARONESS WAS SUDDENLY ON YOUR SIDE
& WANTED TO JUMP YOUR BONES, WOULD YOU WANT TO GO BACK
TO THE REAL WORLD?!"
  
 #3.
Judy Jetson (The Jetsons)
"No way. I don't go for skinny girls that I can wrap
one arm completely around."
"I'm sure you don't, Poseur. I liked Judy's hair the
best. She was the most platinumest blonde babe in the whole future,
& she gets bonus points for being one of the first cartoon girls
ever to rock a midriff belly shirt. Also, in Jetsons: the Movie,
the part of Judy was played by '80s pop star Tiffany!"
"WAIT DUDE! THE JETSONS WERE IN THE FUTURE, RIGHT?! SO
SHE WILL BE ONE OF THE LATER CARTOON GIRLS WHO WILL EVER ROCK A
MIDRIFF BELLY... SOMEDAY!"
"Hey, aren't we supposed to be living the Jetsons' lives
right now? Where are my conveyor belt sidewalks & flying suitcase
cars? Where are my mile-high houses that can rise above air pollution,
even though your lungs can't? When are they going to make everybody
change their last name to an astronomy term? We are running way
behind schedule here!"
"You know why? Because of the MAN. I also like how Judy
had that swingin' style of the late '50s & early '60s. How it
mysteriously finds its way back in style in the future still remains
a mystery. That's like Fireball doing a nostalgia site for the Roaring
'20s."
"HAY GUYS REMEMBER PROHIBITION? THAT TOTALLY SUCKED!
BUT OMG THE JAZZ SINGER IS OUT ON DVD LOL!!1"
  
 #4.
Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
"Wait, she should be #3 1/2 because she's half fish."
"YEAH BUT IF YOU NEED CONVINCING ABOUT THE OTHER HALF,
THEN YOU CAN INSERT YOUR FAVORITE HOMOPHOBIC JOKE ABOUT THE GOVERNOR
OF NEW JERSEY HERE!!"
"You guys just like her over all the other Disney girls
because she's wearing a clamshell bra."
"Not! With half of the film being set under water, her
red hair flows freely in the current. You know how they'll show
slow motion scenes of a girl walking down the street, & her
hair will flow & bounce in slow motion? When Ariel's under water,
her hair does that ALL THE TIME!"
"Yeah, then what about THIS SCENE?"
"OMG NAKERS!!"
"Alright, so maybe it is just the clamshell bra, after
all. But I was really starting to dig my flowing hair excuse there."
  
 #5.
Rogue (X-Men)
"We're talking Southern belle accent, big hair with the
platinum streak down the middle of it Rogue, right? The one that
uses nicknames like Sug?"
"Oh, sure. Pick the girl you can't touch without getting
the life sucked out of you. All girls are like that, man. Suck the
life right out of you."
"SO WHAT? JUST WEAR GLOVES & DON'T KISS HER ON THE
FACE!!"
"Then it'll be hot during the summer when you're trying
to cuddle."
"COME ON, SHE'S WEARING A FULL BODY LATEX SUIT! HOW HARD
IS IT TO GET SOME MORE FOR HER BOYFRIENDS?! FULL BODY LATEX SUITS
OR DIE!!"
"Well, look at the other options on the team. Storm was
way too serious about everything. Have you ever seen that woman
smile? Then there's the White Queen, who had a sexy lingerie type
outfit, but I really don't feel comfortable with the fact that she
can read my thoughts. That also cancels out Jean Grey & Psylocke.
Shadowcat was a reasonable candidate until X-Men Evolution, when
she started talking like a valley girl & saying 'like' after
every third or fourth word. And Dazzler never did anything except
remind me of ABBA videos."
"What about Jubilee?"
"DUDE, ROGUE'S HOTTER THAN JUBILEE! ROGUE CAN FLY!!"
  
 #6.
Cheetara (Thundercats)
"Holy crap, it looks like someone's a furry!"
"Check again, Poseur. Cheetara has a human face &
body. Observe the human nose & lack of fur on her face. Cheetara
wasn't some talking animal. Just an alien from an exploded planet."
"I think you just upset a bunch of potential furries."
"No prob. Here's a picture of Princess Sally from Sonic
the Hedgehog, just for them."
"OMG NAKERS!!"
"Back to Cheetara, I dig the way it looked like she was
wearing a sexy Halloween costume, except that the spots in her hair
were genetic, & those were just birthmarks on her face. Is that
better? You bet it is. Just wait until I get to introduce her to
my friends."
"HAY GUYS THIS IS CHEETARA! I AM BIONIC!! NO, SHE'S NOT
WEARING HOT ROCKER CHICK MAKE-UP. THAT'S WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE,
DUDES!"
  
 #7.
Jerrica Benton (Jem)
"Jem had the biggest, pinkest hair in cartoon history,
save for maybe Jett from the Beverly Hills Teens. But that show
was stupid."
"JEM IS TRULY OUTRAGEOUS! AND SHE TRICKED ME INTO ACTUALLY
WATCHING A GIRLS' SHOW!!"
"This list sucks. Jem totally had identity issues, &
she seemed to have no problem with the fact that her purple-haired
boyfriend was secretly dating her & her secret identity at the
same time."
"You got something against purple hair, Poseur? And yeah,
it was hard to juggle the life of a rockstar & the life of just
plain Jerrica at the same time. But let's take a look at just plain
Jerrica for a second."
"SHOW'S OVER, SYNERGY!"
"Jerrica wasn't just some loser who wanted to be a rock
star & got her wish granted by a pair of earings whenever she
wanted. The chick ran a record label & an orphanage. By herself.
You have to respect a woman who isn't just in it for the music.
In fact, the music gig was really to just keep the Misfits from
being pretentious jerks."
"YEAH SHE WOULD GO TO THE MISFITS SHOW & PUNCH DANZIG
IN THE FACE!"
  
#8. Hello Nurse (Animaniacs)
"YEAH DUDE, SHE'S SO HOT SHE'S NAMED AFTER THE REACTION
SHE GETS WHEN SHE WALKS BY!!"
"Hello Nurse's entire purpose of existing is as a tribute
to other cartoon hotties of yesteryear. You know how drag queens
like to dress up like different stages in Madonna's career? Imagine
if sexy women did that instead. Hello Nurse, indeed."
"She was a tease. Just struts around with medical equiment
& a clipboard, in her skimpy dress, & then shuts down all
the guys whistling as their faces turn into dogs."
"She was just doing her job, man. I'm not exactly sure
why a Hollywood studio even needs a full time nurse on hand, but
she was just trying to mind her own business. Besides, look at the
only other feasable option... Minerva Mink."
"HELLOOOOOOOO HOT RODENT!"
  
 #9.
Princess Lana (Captain N: The Game Master)
"HAY BABY! A WINNER IS YOU! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU! COME
INSIDE!"
"Show some respect, dude. Lana is the governing monarch
of all Nintendo games, & that includes us!"
"What happened to you being all against the MAN?"
"Lana's a woman, stupid."
"Yeah, well I don't think I could deal with a girl who
had a cooler job than me."
"You don't have a job, Poseur. You ride your skateboard
all day. Badly. Besides, Captain N obviously has the cooler job.
He gets to be the midriff-rockin' Princess's knight in shining power
pad."
"PLUS YOU WOULDN'T EVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MEETING HER
DAD BECAUSE HE'S TRAPPED IN MIRROR LIMBO!! AND THE ONE TIME HE COULD
COME BACK HE SENT A STUPID TALKING GAME BOY INSTEAD!!"
  
 #10.
Pebbles Flintstone (The Pebbles & Bamm Bamm Show)
"HAY WAIT PEBBLES IS A BABY!! THIS MUST BE SOME OTHER
CAVE BABE!!"
"Oh, it's Pebbles, alright. When she's a teenager. In
the '70s & '80s, they put out a show where they skipped a few
years in the Flintstones' saga, & let Pebbles & Bamm Bamm
have their own show with their friends as teenagers."
"That ain't right. That's like having a crush on the
girl you used to babysit."
"YOU USED TO BABYSIT?!"
"... No, I... no!"
"Few people remember that Pebbles grew up to be a total
cave babe, ranking up there with the best of Hanna-Barbara's groovy,
mystery solving chicks. It kind of makes you wish the Jetsons set
their time machine a just few years up, so that they'd accidentally
be transported back, & you'd then have both teen Pebbles &
Judy in the same show!"
"MORE LIKE THE JETSONS EAT THE FLINTSTONES AM I RIGHT?!"
And with that little gem from good old Bionic Lester,
this page has come to a pathetic close. Thanks again to the Skate
or Die gang for taking this one for me, so I didn't have to. Now,
read the other two-thirds of the list, written by my friends...
Justin's
List
Smokey's
List
Man, I'm really going to miss any radical feminists
who were a fan of my website before reading this.
|
