"Did you bring the new Game Players?"

No, I forgot. I'll bring it tomorrow. They've got a big article on Battle Arena Toshinden. It looks awesome. It will undoubtedly revolutionize the fighting game genre.

"..Really?"

I dunno. I just wanted to say something that might sound really ironic in ten years' time.

[Slide projector clicks.]

And here we have the penis.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.

"I need other friends."

Bah. Dicks on the screen. Can't say I've ever had to stare at a bunch of cocks for an extended period of time. Hmm. Well, let's see.. yeah.. okay... and.. Yeah. Pretty comparable. I'm good. Whew. I didn't need one more thing to worry about.

..which leads to the vans deferens. Over here is..

Then again, they always seem to draw these things smaller than normal so people don't feel bad. ...Shit.

What am I doing? Stop looking at the dicks, you'll look queer. Just look down. No, don't look down! If you look down people will think you're insecure with your sexuality. Just.. uh.. vaguely point your head in the general direction of the screen. Perfect.

[Slide projector clicks.]

Goddamn. Those are some ugly vaginas. I mean, I know I haven't seen a lot to compare them to, but.. Goddamn. That woman has more hair on her crotch than I do on my head. Maybe it's in the process of devouring a dog and she hasn't mentioned it yet.

Now we'll move on to the female reproductive system. Here..

That's frightening. Boba Fett looks at that slide and cringes instinctively.

..and beyond that is the cervical canal. This is where..

I'm looking at pussies and making Star Wars jokes. I will never ever get laid.

James, you realize that to everyone else, it looks like you're staring at your crotch in a sex ed class.

"I'm doing advanced studies."

Right. What are you looking at?

"My Magic cards. I've got them in my lap so she won't see them."

Let me see.

"Now it looks like you're staring at my crotch."

I'm copying off you. Just let me see a few of them.

"Here."

Neat. I could get into this. Can I borrow a couple of these? I might need to show them to somebody.

"Yeah, go ahead."

And now I'll be passing out a worksheet..

Dammit.
Dammit.
"Dammit."

Let's see. I've got no friends, no influence, no power to speak of.. Ah, the front seat. Made just for me. Now to see who sits next to me... C'mon, skinny girl with no noticeable body odor, c'mon.. no fatties no fatties no fatties no fatties no fatties no fatties STOP

Well, a skinny guy who smells like mustard. Could've been worse. Now where was I. Oh yes.

I could really get into Magic. But it'll be a tough sell in my house. Mom can't listen to that Lovin' Spoonful song "Do You Believe In Magic" without responding "NO I DON'T BECAUSE IT IS FROM THE DEVIL" every time the chorus comes around. She won't let me watch Gremlins because she doesn't want me exposed to satanic creatures. And that's just Judge Reinhold, who knows how pissed off she'd be about the gremlins.

Of course, I could just buy them without her knowing. It's not like cards would be hard to hide. I dunno, though. If she ever did find them, they'd be burned on sight and there would go a good chunk of my hard earned money up in smoke which she would no doubt find a demon face in like those photos in the Weekly World News.

It's settled then. I won't. Yes, I will. No.. Yes. No. Maybe. No, no. No. Absolutely not.

Yes. I will ask her. I'm an honest, upfront guy, I'd rather it be this way. If I play it just right, and word everything the right way, I'm sure I can make a convincing argument even she'll have to understand.

"No."

Oh come on.

"I'm not going to have you bringing that kind of filth into my household. I've given you a lot of leeway before--"

You gave me a two hour talk to make sure I knew David Copperfield wasn't a real magician.

"--but I don't want any casting spells or dragons or witches or any of that here. Those are symbols of the occult."

Why the hell did I do this.

It's just a game.

"Just a game? Look at this card you showed me. Look there. An Ankh. A symbol of the occult. They're hiding witchcraft in the pictures."

...

That's a signature, mom.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's an Ankh."

That's a picture, mom. Someone drew that. So they signed it. It's a signature.

"We'll get your father over here.. Honey, look at that. Isn't that an Ankh?"

Um.. I think that's a signature.

"I still say it's an Ankh."

Look, there aren't any spells being cast, there aren't any goat gods being summoned forth, it's just a game. You're making a bigger deal of this than it is.

"Fine, ask your father then. I say you shouldn't, but you go ahead and ask your father."

..Dad?

[Dad looks at mom.]

[A whip cracks in the distance.]

You shouldn't play those games.

...

"It's not that you can't play card games, I just don't want you playing--"

The only game that doesn't suck. Fine.

[Bill stomps off to his room to write angsty poetry and listen to Silverchair.]

"This is a joke, right?"

It was this or nothing, James. I'm not going to be left out of another trend. I'm sure it's easy enough to figure out. Just look at the instructions. "Sometimes you can increase your power by drawing 'destiny.' After each player has totaled their power value, they should check to see if they have combined ability of 4 or higher at that location. If a player has combined ability of 4 or higher, he may make a 'battle destiny' draw. When revealed, the 'destiny' value is added to the total power value described above to indicate the player's combined power in this battle."

"What?"

Uh.. Let me read a different part. "If one player involved with a battle draws a 'destiny' greater than zero, loss by attrition will occur for his opponent. If both players draw 'destiny' greater than zero, both will suffer attrition. A player's required attrition loss is equal to his opponent's 'destiny' number. To satisfy attrition loss, you must sacrifice card(s) with a forfeit value equal to or greater than your opponent's 'destiny'."

"..I'm leaving now."

No, wait, c'mon. Let's at least give it one shot. Instructions always make things sound more complicated than they are, I'm sure we'll pick it up as we go along.

[Decks are made.]

[Decks are shuffled.]

[Hands are dealt.]

[Lightning crashes.]

[A new mother cries.]

You go first.

"Okay. Uh.. I've got Yavin 4, so I guess I play that like a land in Magic, right?"

Shh! She'll hear you!

"..."

Sure, whatever. Play it. There. Okay, now my turn. I play Tatooine.

"My turn. I.. I've got another Yavin 4. Do I play this one too?"

Um.. I guess?

"How can their be two Yavin 4s?"

Just play it, and.. tilt it at an angle. It'll be Alternate Universe Yavin.

"Alternate universe?"

Yeah. It'll be just like regular Yavin, except everyone there has a goatee.

"..."

Does that mean it's my turn? Okay, I play Dantooine. Back to you, I guess.

"I play a Tusken Raider on.. Alternate Yavin."

Make sure you put a goatee token on him.

"This is going to be a long game."

[50 confused turns pass.]

"And my bazooka-armed Jawa kills your Leia. So, we're done now, right?"

Why would you say that?

"I killed one of the heroes! The game can't go on without one of the main characters."

Not so fast. I play

"A card called Leia's Back."

Yeah.

"With a picture of.. Leia's back."

Right.

"This is the lamest fucking game I've ever played."

I DIDN'T MAKE THE CARDS.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"

I know, just--

"This game is a mockery of card games that were stupid to begin with!"

Just forget it and play your turn, alright?

"Fine. Then I play.."

..I'm pretty sure that's not a real card.

"How would you know, you don't even know how this game works."

I'm still pretty sure that's not a real card.

"Maybe it is."

It isn't. Let's just play the game for real, please. Come on.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I made it up. I'll take it back."

Thank you.

"Instead I'll play.."

Goddammit stop that.

"It's perfectly legal."

Fine. You want to be that way? Then I play

"Oh that's how it is, huh? Well then I play"

Oh yeah?! Well then

"Oh YEAH?"

OH YEAH?!?

Hah! What do you think of that?

"I think it means I can finally go home. Later."

..Oh.

[Mom wanders in as James leaves.]

"He sure left in a huff. Are these your Star Wars cards?"

Yeah.

"Who is this?"

That's Salacious Crumb.

"Looks like a demon. Get rid of it."

He was the little guy on Jabba's tail in Jedi.

"Don't argue with me. I don't want demons in my house."

You know, if I ever attempt to retell this story in the future, no one will believe you actually exist.

"Don't get smart. Now wash up for supper."