"Hi, we may be called the Geex, but we are in no way related to Mike Fireball's old message board of the same name. It's totally coincidence, little buddy! We're here because no space adventure is complete without something with 2 heads. My name's Idy, & my hair is totally awesome!"

"My name is Ody, & I'm the Geex's other head. We act as the navigator on Captain EO's ship. Whatever you do, please don't ask me why my head is nearsighted & Idy's isn't. It's a long story, & I really don't like talking about it."

"And just in case having two heads wasn't stupid enough for you, we also have two left legs!"

"Presently we are on a mission to send a message of peace & music to a nearby planet wrought with slavery. In fact, we're descending upon said planet as we speak! Hey Hooter, we're almost there!"

"Oh boy! Hi, I'm Hooter! I can get away with being called that, because this is 1986, & it's also a Disney attraction. Those holes in my trunk might make me look ugly, but they're there on purpose... it's like an organic flute that's attached to my face!"

"I'm Major Domo & I'm a robot. Right now I'm just hanging out in the cabin being a dork. I'll be more important later. I promise. Hey Geex, be careful not to get too close until you find our landing beacon, or you'll trip an alarm!"

"What's that? You want us to get too close & trip an alarm? No problem!"

WOOT-WOOT !! INTRUDER ALERT !! WOOT-WOOT

"Holy crap! You never told us we'd set an alarm off if we got too close!"

"Yes I did! I just did, stupid!"

"Really? Oh... darn it, Hooter! This is all your fault!"

"Yeah, Hooter! All your fault!"

"I hate you guys."

"Oh snap! Here comes the Captain! Look alive, men! Minor Domo, your line's coming up."

"Alright, my only line in the entire movie! Good for old Minor Domo! Joy & frigging rapture!"

"Shut up, stupid! You're not supposed to talk yet!"

WAZZAAAAAAP!

"Good morning, Captain!"

"Dudes, check it out... best jacket ever or what?"

"Hmm, I don't know..."

"Crap! Now I got that stuff all in my fur! Seriously, though. That red one from Thriller was pretty sweet."

"Well that's just a shame, now isn't it? Cause I'm digging this white one with the rainbow now. Good thing rainbows are still awesome in the 1980s."

"Oh yeah, by the way Captain, we sort of tripped an alarm in the planet's security system. Also, the ship is in absolutely no condition to go into battle. I thought we'd begin by cleaning up Hooter's bunk."

"That's it! Eat empty can, robot boy!" 

"Shut up, Hooter! Listen, guys. The command already thinks we suck, & it's probably because you guys all look even freakier than I do... but this time, we're going to show them that we're the best! Cause, you know, otherwise we get fired & stuff."

"Great! We can start by moving out of the way of that patrol ship that's about to ram us!"

"Excellent idea! Now would be a good time to find that landing beacon. Somebody get the map. Where's the map?"

"Fuzzball!"

"What's that about Fuzzball?! Fuzzball ain't got nothing, yo! Fuzzball just casually came in here on the Captain's shoulder! No maps were involved... Hooter has it!"

"...Hooter?"

"I think I ate it..."

"Splendid. Sorry, Hooter... I'm afraid we're going to have to gut you. You stay there while I go get my dissection kit!"

"Hey there, Captain EO... whaaaat's happening?"

"Oh, hi Commander Bog! Nothing much, sir!"

"Really? Nothing much? That's funny, because you're supposed to be up to stuff like finding a landing beacon & not reporting in late!"

"No trouble, sir. Just a little weapons malfunction."

"Oh really? I don't recall landing on a landing beacon involving weapons at all! Have you engaged in combat against orders?"

"Hey, Commander! What in the world is that thing?!"

"Huh?" SPLAT! "Hey, I can't see! What's going on?!"

"Wow, Hooter! You actually did something right for a change!" 

"I hate you guys..."

"Alright, crew. We're heading into this here tunnel."

"Dude, wait! Our sail's still out!"

"What sail?!"

"That sail!"

"Whoa, that's one big sail! Yo Hooter, hit that sail-bringer-inner button thingy behind you!"

"You mean this one here that I can't reach?"

"Use your trunk, stupid!"

"Oh yeah!" BOINK!

"...Our sail-bringer-inner button thingy goes boink?"

"What'd you expect it to do, say ouch? Oh, by the way, we're losing power."

"No problem. That rocky area over there should cushion our landing."

[ insert crash here ]

"Hey, uh... I think we found the homing beacon. We sort of crashed right into it."

"Score! Commander Bog, everything's ok! We're at the homing beacon, sir!"

"Awesome! Well done not sucking, Captain EO. Now you must find the Supreme Leader & give her the gift. You guys got your map?"

"...Guys?"

"Uh... yeah, I got it right here!"

"Then get going!"

"Dude, that's not the map. That's Fuzzball's litter box!"

"Yeah, but does the Commander need to know that?"

"Yeah, um... can I have that back? Like right now?"

"Shh, come on, guys. Let's go find this Supreme Leader chick."

"How do you know she's a chick?"

"I helped write the script, remember? Um, Hooter... why do you have a can on your head?"

"I'm disguising myself!"

"Hey, I know a quick & easy way to find the Supreme Leader!"

"What's that?"

"Well, I'll stop short, & then you guys bump into me, & then it'll make a loud noise, & we'll get captured by one of the guards!"

"Brilliant! It'll work like a charm!"

"Hey, I told you I'd find her! ...wait, that thing's a woman?"

"SILENCE, INFIDEL! You infect my world with your presence. Turn the others into... trash cans!"

"...You're joking, right? Come on, you can think of something better to turn us into than trash cans!"

"See ya later, trash can!"

"And for him... 100 years of torture in my deepest dungeon!"

"Whoa, how accomidating! I don't have to pay rent, do I?"

"Totally!"

"Aww crap, this is horrible!"

"No no, it's fine. Your highness, my loyal companions and I accept these punishments."

"...You do?!"

"...We do?!"

"Yeah, we do. We have come here uninvited & unannounced."

"Seriously! Don't you know that a woman needs to be prepared for these sort of things? Now tell me why you are here!"

"I brought you a present! To someone as beautiful as you!"

"Gee, don't lay it on too thick or anything, dude."

"You think... me... beautiful?"

"Totally. If you look past all those gears & wires & crap you're hooked up to & the fact that you talk like Cookie Monster, you're very beautiful within, your highness, but without a key to unlock it. And that is my gift to you."

"Sweet! Let's see it!"

"Not only see, your highness... but hear! Get into position, guys!"

(Hooray! Time for me to transform into a giant, full size keyboard!)

"Hooray! Time for me to kick off one of my legs to use as a guitar, while the rest of me turns into a giant, full size drum set!"

"Hooter, hurry up!"

"Hooray! Time for me to... holy crap!" SLAM! "Oh, way to leave your cape lying around, Captain! Now I knocked over the Minor Domo keyboard thing & stopped the music!"

"Dude, this is the worst concert ever! GUARDS! SEND HIM TO MY DUNGEON!"

"Wait, wait! I got it! There!"

TIME TO DANCE!

That's right. Captain EO uses his magic laser powers to turn the Supreme Leader's guards into backup dancers in brightly colored outfits! Now it's time to show the Supreme Leader the power of music with a rocking song & dance number about how they're going to change the world & make the future bright & stuff.

"Holy crap! My whip warriors... destroy him! HAHAHA!"

"Yeah, that's a great idea. Send your whip warriors after me, cause I wouldn't think of using the same trick I used on all your other guards!" BAM! "Ow! It backfired! That's not cool!"

"What the heck's a whip warrior, anyway?"

"It's a warrior with a whip, doyyyy. You know, those long rope things that crack? Look! I'm going to tangle these two guys' whips so Captain EO can turn them into magic backup dancer guys, too!"

WOOOOOO!

Captain EO continues singing & dancing, & then finally flies up to the Supreme Leader & gives her his gift... a magic blast to the chest!

"Take that, sucka! Now your inner beauty shall break free!"

POOF!

"Hey look! It's Anjelica Huston! I loved you in the Addams Family movies!"

"Thank you, Captain EO! But our Supreme Leader is in another castle... just kidding! Hahaha, bye bye!"

"You call that an ending? Let me show you how it's done, sister!"

Mike

mike @ progressiveboink.com
AIM: mike fireball 0

Mike's Archives
Main Archives