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Oh
Say Can You Sing?, Vol. 1: Baseball |
| CHRIS BERMAN: Hello everyone out there in Internet Land, & welcome to another edition of Baseball Tonight! I'm Chris Berman, joined once again by the biochemically preserved head of the legendary Chuck Thompson.
CHUCK THOMPSON: A pleasure as always, Christopher. CHRIS: Tonight, we take a break from the Fall Classic to bring you a very special matchup! Ten of today's brightest stars have formed an all-star team of sorts to go up against the eardrums of baseball fans across the nation! CHUCK: That's right, Chris. An outfit that calls themselves "Good Sports Recordings" has has gotten these youngsters together to record one of those musical compact discs I keep hearing about!
CHRIS: It's called Oh Say, Can You Sing?, & is set to be the first in a series of albums the folks at Good Sports say will "combine professional athletes & professional music." I gotta tell you, Chuck. This looks like it's going to be a great game! CHUCK: Aww, you say that before everything. CHRIS: I beg your pardon? CHUCK: It's true! One time I played a exhibition game on your Baseball Tonight video game on the Super Nintendo video game playin' machine, & I set up a game between the Rockies & the 1994 San Diego Padres. CHRIS: Wow, that sounds like it was a great game! CHUCK: No it doesn't. It was boring & terrible. And the teams weren't very good, either! CHRIS: What year were the Rockies? CHUCK: Does it even matter? CHRIS: Touché, old friend. CHUCK: Leave it to the fans to come prepared. It looks like a lot of them are toting earmuffs in hand, just in case history repeats itself. CHRIS: Luckily, the Great Sports Recording company insists that they've chosen their players based on their musical talent & passion, & I quote, "are not interested in making cheesy or campy recordings." So the fans shouldn't have anything to worry about. Besides, the merging of pro sports & the pop charts has been quite successful in the past, so where do the fans' allegations even come from?
CHUCK: I can't imagine. CHRIS: Well, it looks like things are about to get under way, so let's go down to field as Cleveland Indians First Baseman Ben Broussard steps up to the plate.
CHUCK: Now what's he gonna be playing? CHRIS: He'll be singing & playing guiar in his rendition of U2's "With Or Without You." CHUCK: You too? Never heard of 'em. Should be interesting to see what this kid can do with a microphone. CHRIS: There's the pitch... and it's a grounder down the left side... ( play
clip ) CHRIS: This one's gonna be close... the throw... and heeee'ssssss safe at first base! "Big Ben" Broussard starts things off with a hit. CHUCK: I don't know about that call. It was a close one. I wouldn't call that much of a hit, either. CHRIS: Well it looks like the umpire is sticking with his official rule that "Big Ben" was "safe" at "first." CHUCK: I mean, his guitar & footwork were fine, but the singing was kind of shaky. CHRIS: You really thought so? CHUCK: Made me want to punch myself in the ears. CHRIS: Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad. This guy's got his own record out & everything. CHUCK: In fact, my ears are bruised up just from listening to it... and believe you me, when my ears bruise, they Broussard. CHRIS: Suit yourself, old man. Now batting for the Good Sports is 2004 All-Star First Baseman, Sean Casey of the Cincinnati Reds.
CHUCK: How many first basemen do we got on this team? CHRIS: Sean "Casey Kasem" is actually
pinch hitting for CHUCK: Fair enough. I like an honest athlete. CHRIS: Let's see what Sean Casey can do "at the bat" here... swings! ( play clip ) CHRIS: Hit way foul, down the right side. CHUCK: Was that supposed to be a country song? CHRIS: It was, indeed. Sean "Casey Jones A Character From Ninja Turtles & Also The Name Of An American Folk Hero" was singing "How Do You Like Me Now?" by Toby Keith. CHUCK: I don't like him or his singing very much at all, to tell you the truth. CHRIS: Well, that's expected when you pitch a song like that. Many folks feel Toby Keith does for country what toxic waste dumps do for New Jersey. CHUCK: Ouch, big whiffer. CHRIS: Speaking of which, here's the Marlins' Jeff Conine! CHUCK: What's he bring to the plate? CHRIS: He'll be singing the early '90s hit "Plush," by the Stone Temple Pilots. CHUCK: I think I'm gonna go grab me a pair of those earmuffs. CHRIS: The pitch to Conine... ( play clip ) CHUCK: AAAAAAAHH CHRIS: The whiff! CHUCK: Oh God make it stop! CHRIS: Jeff "Conine the Barbarian" lived up to his stupid nickname I just gave him with a barbaric rendition of that song. CHUCK: I thought you said these Good Sports fellas only picked players with passion & talent. CHRIS: Well, to "Conine O'Brien's" credit, that song is the sort of song that you can't sing without sounding like an idiot. CHUCK: He sounds like he's singing intentionally bad karaoke.
CHRIS: And he knows it, too, as he heads back to the dugout looking stunned at his own bad performance. CHUCK: This old man can't take much more of this under par level of baseball. CHRIS: We'll see if Tigers Relief Pitcher Matt Ginter can turn this record around...
CHRIS: ... Uh oh. CHUCK: What? CHRIS: He's pulled out a banjo. CHUCK: So what? CHRIS: This can't be good. CHUCK: What's wrong with banjos? I happen to like bluegrass music, friend. CHRIS: Well, we'll just have to see if Matt can win one for the Ginter. CHUCK: Are you ever going to stop with these Ginter-garten level nicknames? CHRIS: Stop Ginter-fering with my style, Thompson. ( play clip ) CHRIS: Holy cow, look at him go! CHUCK: See, I told ya it couldn't be that bad. CHRIS: There was some sloppy vocal work there, but it was made up with precision banjo-playin'. The Good Sports can turn this game around if the rest of the team performs like the "Ginter-national Man of Mystery" here. CHUCK: /rolls eyes CHRIS: As a matter of fact, the next two batters showcase their lyrical talent with their very own hip-hop tracks! CHUCK: That crazy rap music that them teenagers causin' a ruckus outside my Head Museum play? CHRIS: The very same! Up now is Indians star, Coco Crisp.
CHUCK: There you go again. What's his real name, guy? CHRIS: That is his real name. CHUCK: Shut up. CHRIS: I'm serious. That's what he goes by. CHUCK: Is that a "crazy rap music monicker?" CHRIS: N-no... I guess he's ok with hearing bad cereal jokes all the time. CHUCK: Well, we'll see if I don't go cukoo for Coco Crisp's song. CHRIS: Here's the pitch... ( play clip ) CHUCK: Did he just rhyme "team" with "Stephen King"? CHRIS: I believe he did, & it's good enough for a base hit! CHUCK: Alright, I'll admit it. He isn't a bad player at all. Too bad his backup band doesn't give him much support. CHRIS: Yeah, this song would be a lot better if it didn't sound like he was putting words to a montage of Casio keyboard demo songs. CHUCK: What's a Casio keyboard? CHRIS: It's what we use now instead of typewriters, old timer. CHUCK: I just wasn't meant for these times. CHRIS: Next up is the red-hot Jimmy Rollins of the Philadelphia Phillies. "J-Rol" ended the season with a 36-game hitting streak, the 9th longest of all time! Let's see if his very own song turns into a hit, so he can keep that streak going. ( play clip ) CHUCK: Oh, come on, now! CHRIS: What? CHUCK: His hit rap song is about playing baseball? CHRIS: Of course. What else do you expect him to sing about? CHUCK: I don't know. Anything! CHRIS: But baseball is what makes him happy!
CHUCK: Look at him. Does everybody on the Phillies have the same exact goofy grin? CHRIS: Maybe it's just the players named James. CHUCK: Where'd he come up for the idea to write a song about playing baseball, anyway? CHRIS: I think I have an idea...
CHUCK: Now hold on a minute... did that young man just compare himself to Ozzie? CHRIS: What, in the song? Yes sir! CHUCK: Ozzie Smith?! CHRIS: Sure. They're both shortstops. CHUCK: Yeah, but... Ozzie Smith?! CHRIS: Ozzie Smith. CHUCK: Hall-of-Famer Ozzie Smith?! CHRIS: Hall-of-Famer Ozzie Smith. CHUCK: The Wizard of Oz?!?!! CHRIS: What's so unreasonable about that? CHUCK: This kid's not bad, but Ozzie was great! Oh man, if he were here, he'd save this record, for sure! OZZIE: Did someone call my name? CHUCK: !!!!
( play clip ) CHUCK: !!!! CHRIS: !!!! CHUCK: !!!! CHUCK: !!!! OZZIE: !!!! CHRIS: Wow! CHUCK: He did it! Ozzie Smith & his fruity jazz cover followed by a couple of backflips have won the album!
CHRIS: Baseball certainly is a game of miracles. CHUCK: Nobody can compare themselves to the Wizard. He's is one bad dude. He's bad like the Power Glove. The Power Glove from the movie The Wizard. CHRIS: Well folks, you've just witnessed a taste of the ups & downs of what's sure to go down in history as "a pretty dumb idea." CHUCK: Oh Say, Can You Sing?, Vol. 1: Baseball is out in stores now. Be sure to avoid it like the plague. CHRIS: We can't say that! Isn't this for charity? CHUCK: Only partially. From what I can gather on this Good Sports internet site, the main goal was that it'd be awesome to get baseball players to sing for them. CHRIS: Fair enough. Oh Say, Can You Sing?,
Vol. 1: Baseball. The perfect gift for losing friends &
alienating people. For Chuck Thompson's head, I'm Chris Berman.
Good game, & good night! |
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