Proud Member Of

California Games
Let the games...BEGAN oh wait i messed up begin lol
brought to you by the letter B on september 9th - 2003

In 1989 I discovered that my little brother Jimmy was really good at Nintendo. This was a shock and a relief to my family, because our little sister died a long time ago and ever since then Jimmy had been a bells palsy retard, stuffing pictures and Pocket Power installments into his lunchbox. When we learned that there would be a contest to see who would be best at Nintendo ("Video Armageddon," which is not as cool as my suggested name, "Video Game Better-Than-A-Thon") we HAD to enter Jimmy. Besides, it was being held in California, the only word (California) that Jimmy has been able to say since THAT FATEFUL DAY (c).

I thought to myself, "Hey, instead of getting permission, let's just gimp across the nation and meet colorful characters on the way to destiny." Our father (Beau Bridges) and our Irrepressible Bad Boy (Christian Slater) were hot on our trail. I thought we were gonna get captured, but it turns out that Beau had kids from other marriages, and was too busy inspiring handicapped kids with his son Jonathan Brandis and imaginary kung fu hero Chuck Norris to care.

Fucking Jonathan Brandis. First he dresses up like a girl to play soccer and then he steals my girlfriend Winnie. Fucking Dolphin-Speaking Too-Scared-to-High-Dive Never-Ending Asshole.

Anyway, since Jimmy was going to slobber his way through Video Armageddon I thought we should train him on a few of Nintendo's hottest games, both with and sans Power Glove. We started off with Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!! but he would cry overtime I punched Don Flamenco. "Stop it, he's so beautiful, stop it!" he'd scream. Then I thought about Duck Hunt, but Jimmy kept hitting himself in the crotch over and over with the zapper. I still dream about those horrible sounds. PA-KANG OWWW KA-PANG AUGH KA-PANG KA-PANG KA-PANG.

So, since Jimmy was going to California to play Nintendo Games, I thought to myself: "Why not California Games?" Then a lightbulb went off over my head. Twenty years later Daniel Stern will be talking about what a great idea it was, and how it related to my father, and how much my older brother meant to me in the long-run. Even then, when I am Daniel Stern, I will look back on those years...with wonder. Then I'll step on glass and get hit in the face by a shovel when I try to break into some ten year old's unattended home. Such is life.

California Games. What new can be said about something so important to American popular culture? Did any of you see VH1's 200 Greatest Popular Culture Icons countdown a while back? Oprah Winfrey was number one, and California Games was number two. I'm just kidding. But in a world where the greatest popular culture icon is a fat-like black-like housewife-like woman speaks to fat black housewives about novels and shitty Will Smith comedies is the number one popular culture icon of all-time, I think a Nintendo game that barely anyone remembers should be in the top five. And Ben Affleck slash Jennifer Lopez should be number three.

That's a good idea actually.

Slashing Jennifer Lopez, I mean. I bet if you cut her she'd bleed tanning lotion and picante sauce. omg don't cut her butt its too sexy lol

California Games. What new can be said about something so important to American popular culture? What new can be said about slashing Jennifer Lopez? You could say that if she was slashed in her rectum that the heads of everyone at the E! Network would fall out of her ass. What new can be said about California Games? It does not feature J-Lo or J-Lo subsidiaries. It does feature hip product placement and a rocking soundtrack.

Hip product placement: CASIO! The influence of Casio and their keyboards can be felt in every aspect of modern pop music, from the intricate melodies of Lillix to the background music of anything off No Doubt's last album. You know that "Running" song? Running running, as fast as we can? I made that song on my Casio keyboard when I was eight. I hit the button labeled "demo."

Rocking soundtrack: MIDI versions of "Louie Louie" and "Wipe Out." If you can play California Games and not burst suddenly into a college party you have no heart. Once I was playing the BMX event and in the middle of a backflip I paused the game and our balcony collapsed. California Games killed six frat guys, six baseball caps, sixteen slutty girls, and sixteen pairs of white capri pants. And like seven hundred-thousand tubes of lip gloss. I swear to God, young women are going to piss me off with the lip gloss. I kissed a college girl three days ago and the fucking Ghostbusters used Motown to pilot me down the middle of New York City.

"Vy am I dreeping vith goo?"

So how much CAN you rock out to California Games? How much can you rock???? California Games was created by "The Game" Milton Bradley, best known for creating board games like Battleship, Scrabble, and Connect Four. Most of the time Milton Bradley completely leaves California Games off the resume. Okay, think of Milton Bradley as director Martin Brest. Scrabble is like "Beverly Hills Cop," Connect Four is "Midnight Run," and Battleship is like "Scent of a Woman." California Games is like "Gigli." The surfing event in California Games is like the part in Gigli where Ben Affleck bites Jennifer Lopez and hot cheese comes out of her butt like a Chile rellenos.

California Games allows up to eight players to out-radical each other in six hardcore west coast extreme sports. Unfortunately eight players can only play by taking turns and passing the first player controller around, so it ends up being a lot like the "Win Lose or Draw" or "Pictionary" games where you have to tell someone to close their eyes to even make the game work. Eight player California Games is like eight people reading a book at the same time. You read the first page of "To Kill a Mockingbird," and then pass it around for your seven friends, and then you move to page two. By the time you've passed page 70 to friend seven you're reduced to writing fan fiction on the back of your hand about Atticus and Boo Radley "doin' it in another man's skin."

BMX
Attn: All My Big Ballers
Re: Meet Me Outside

The most fun event (once you've learned how to play, which takes about twenty seconds) has to be the BMX. To win the event you must pilot a bicycle from the top of one hill to the top of another, all the while avoiding obstacles and performing as many tricks as you can to earn points. Some tricks are easy (like your Mom, oh burn) and some, like the front flip, are more difficult. But once you learn how to ride the bicycle you don't forget.

Think that was the lamest joke you've ever heard? What do virgins and reggae bands have in common? They both have hymen! Fuck you, the bicycle joke was awesome.

To perform a stunt while you're in the air, press the control pad as shown.

LEFT - BACKWARD FLIP
RIGHT - FORWARD FLIP
UP - FLIP WILSON
DOWN - GERALDINE

Wheelie: 100-200 points
Jump: 200-400 points
Backward Flip: 1500-3000
Forward Flip: 3000-6000 points
Bad 70's Variety Show Joke: Priceless
Winning Warped Tour Sluts Over while wearing White Pants and a Helmet: Impossible.

HALF PIPE
Attn: Your Problems
Re: I've Got My Ass Wide

Skateboarding, as we all know, was born in the 1950's when highschooler Calvin Klein hijacked a child's scooter, ripped it apart, and used it to cause a group of shucksters to drive their flip-top into a big pile of horse shit. Early eighties arrived with a dive in skateboarding popularity. Skateparks closed the doors, manufacturers stopped manufacturing and worst of all, skateboard magazines switched over to BMXing and centerfolds of Kirk Cameron. Then California Games was released, then 45 year old Tony Hawk became addicted, and that's the entire history of skateboarding!

You maybe recognize skateboarding from games like "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater" or "Matt Hoffman's Pro Bicycle Enthusiast," or even from the recently released "Kelly Slater Pro Hawaiian Chick Doer." They're all basically the same game. And I totally don't buy the concept anymore. Sure, Tony Hawk can skateboard through a plate glass window and be fine. Sure, Bob Burnquist can grind on a helicopter blade and make it take off. But I've seen Jackass. I've seen Bam Margera. Dude can't even kick flip off a set of stairs wearing a tutu with a llama stapled to his ass and stick the landing. Pro Skater? MORE LIKE NO SKATER AM I RITE.

KickTurn - 100-300 points
Press and hold the control pad LEFT or RIGHT, depending on which side of the ramp you're on. The skater will turn around to face the opposite direction. Release the pad to complete the turn. Then, try using the skateboard.

Arial Turn - 400-999 points
Perform these turns in the same way as kick turns-except you must "catch air" to perform a successful aerial turn. That is, you must wait until you're off the lip before pressing the control pad. Much like cunnilingus.

Hand Plant - 400-700 points
Press and hold BUTTON A as you approach the lip of the ramp. The skater will plant his hands on the lip and flip the board over his head. Release BUTTON A just after the board arcs over and returns to the ramp. Release BUTTON B to SLAM A DEW.

Accumulate points by taking risks. Wait until the last second to start each stunt and complete it just before you would have wiped out. Wait until the skater before you has finished his run, and then execute him in front of the entire X-Games. Then try to outrun the cops. All of the crappy bands will stop, thank Christ. Smashmouth will shit their pants. Some stunts are more difficult and earn higher scores than others. Taking your shirt off and getting on RealTV gets you major points. Eating chocolate pastries gets you brownie points.

SURFING
Attn: The hippest and coolest new reality show, starring the same seven worthless strangers, only this time they're tanned!
Re: Surf Girls on MTV

Object: Ride the wave as long as you can, "using" it to your best advantage. You have a 1-minute, 30-second time limit, or 4 wipeouts, to score points. I've found that the best way to use a wave is let the wave cook you dinner at his house, making sure to flirt to the point of sticking one of your moist parts in one of his. Which is guess is any part of him. Then, don't answer any of his phone calls, and then two weeks later when he's a complete wreck find him online and tell him that you had to cancel plans because you and your boyfriend made up and went camping. Now you're mine, Atlantic Ocean!!

Catching air: If you clear the crest of the wave you can "catch air," then catch the wave again. I was never good at catching air because all of the bottles I wanted to use were filled up with time. Try a 360 turn while you're up there! Oh, crap, I just remembered...I can catch air in that box I had saved for wishes and dreams that never come true. The only thing in there is, like, a memory of how they were answered by you.

Wiping out: Don't ride too close to the bottom of the wave or too far inside the curl, or you'll "wipe out." This is totally ironic, given the MIDI playing in the background. You'll also wipe out if you land at the wrong angle after "catching air." You'll also wipe out if you wear a mystical tiki while surfing. This also causes old fat ladies to throw their backs out during hula. It takes practice to avoid wipeouts!

Scoring: Points are awarded for the length of your ride, the number of turns you make and your speed during turns. You'll score high for catching air. Riding the tube (underneath the curl) and riding near the break earn extra points, too.

Strategy: The better you "use" the wave, the more the judges will rave! Make them your slaves. Come on, don't cave! Uh...if you wipe out it'll be grave? And I'm spent.

A safe, straight ride far ahead of the break counts for very little. Take risks, avoid wipeouts, and your score will be awesome! Oh, you suck. Here, have a point. No, go on, just take the damn thing.

FLYING DISC
Attn: Pee-wee Herman sounding robot eye
Re: "See you later, Navigator!"

Flying disc is evidently David Hasselhoff in Daisy Duke shorts throwing a Frisbee like a gimp. The first two or three years that you play California Games you HATE HATE HATE doing flying disc, because you don't understand the game mechanics and the whole "push left then push right then push left" control of the thing. Every time you go it makes the "whoooo" and "wheeee" noises, and Mitch Baywatch just lobs it six feet in front of him. It's pathetic. It makes you feel like less of a man. But if you take your time and let the nice doctors do their experiments your intelligence will gradually become greater and greater until you're a pure genius, and then you can outrace the shit out of the retarded mouse and hurl the flying disc upwards of seven-thousand feet.

It's pretty freaky when you DO learn how to throw (novelty) flying disc, because your thrower doesn't even move. He just sticks his arm back in the air and lets it fly. It goes straight for about a hundred feet before elevating so high that it disappears from your screen, so second man (the catcher, possibly Gary Carter) has to run around like an imbecile trying to catch nothing. Then flying disc lands 200 feet past you. After a few hundred feet the fear that the Frisbee will circumnavigate the Earth Super Dodge Ball style and slice your head off Kung Lao Mortal Kombat style. But usually you get a good laugh when the catcher dives like an idiot into the grass. Oh you silly retarded man, you had the choice to stay a fake genius! Dire emotional flying disc consequences!

Points are awarded for both the throw and the catch. Throwing points are awarded for height and accuracy. The fewer steps the catcher takes to catch the disk, the higher your score.
 
Catching points are awarded as follows:

While running right - 150 points
While running left - 250 points
While diving right - 250 points
While diving left - 350 points
Overhead catch - 350 points
Catch as catch can - 450 points
Summer catch - Freddie Prinze, Jr.

SKATING
Attn: My brand new pair of roller skates
Re: Your new roller skate key

Nobody roller-skates. Only people on youth group outings and welfare birthday partygoers rollerskate. In fact, roller-skating has only been cool twice in my life: Firstly, when Heather Graham got all bush-and-chainy with Dirk Diggler, and secondly, fat black men in spandex knocking punk rock girls into alligator pits on Rollergames. Those events show that roller-skating has the capacity for high-octane Charlie's Angels Full Throttle levels of fun. But, as historians will point out to California Games players of the future, when Olivia Newton-John reached unforeseen levels of gayness in Xanadu. If scientists really wanted the world to believe in evolution they would've made Xanadu be about Olivia Newton-John and Jesus. That wouldn't even hurt the roller-skating plot. They could do the limbo under one of Jesus' hanging arms.

Every Limbo boy and girl
All around the Limbo world
Gonna do the Limbo Rock
All around the Limbo clock
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack go under Limbo stick
All around the Limbo clock
Hey, let's do the Limbo Rock!

Score points for each obstacle you avoid. Earn double points for jumping over them. Earn the most points for spinning while you jump! Or do what most players do and go straight until a banana peel shows up, and then fall over it. We're talking 8-bit Nintendo here. Mike Tyson has more control. Oh ho ho, topical humor. I hear Monica Lewinsky was in the news today. Points are awarded as follows:

Avoiding obstacles: 10-30 points
Jumping over obstacles: 20-60 points
Spinning jumps over obstacles: 40-120 points
Overcoming obstacles: 500 dollars an hour

Speed is less important than staying on your feet. Tackle the course slowly at first. Then build up speed and master stunts with plenty of practice! Or do some push-ups and get a girlfriend.

FOOTBAG
Attn: Slim-chested BMX guys on Warped Tour w/ sluts
Re: Stop calling me "Foot Fag"

Footbag rules. It's the only genuinely fun part of the game, if you aren't me and don't make BMX guy do double front flips off hills onto rocks. Footbag is the hippie game of hackey-sack. If I'd written this five years ago I would've included a paragraph condemning the hippies and their lifestyle, but times have changed. I discovered Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Let them have their baby doll shoes and mood rings, man. Let them have free love and let them have animals living in their genitals. As long as they fill my engorged tummy with Cherry Garcia I can even excuse the Grateful Dead for playing only one song for twenty-eight years.

Footbag is sweet because you get control of the yuppies biker-shorted guy in the game, with a yellow flat top that makes bouncing his sack (yuk yuk) off his head easy. Nineteen fuzzy navels will also do that, but the game only has so many options (ho ho). I hear that if you're good enough you can bounce the sack off of your chin. THE MAN IN THE FOOTBAG COMPETITION IS A HOMOSEXUAL. I am the best writer ever.

Scoring (with men lol)

Any Kick - 10 points
Half Axle - 250 points - And two kicks with a half spin in between
Full Axle - 500 points - And two kicks with a full spin in between
Axle Foley - 750 points - Any two kicks with one-and-a-half spins in between
Alternate Axle Foley Joke (because there is an actual move called "axle foley" in the game) - 800 points - Bouncing Judge Reinhold's sack off your chin.
Horseshoe - 500 points - Left back kick + right back kick.
Jester - 2000 points - Left jumping kick or right jumping kick.
Double Arch - 2500 points - Left outside kick + right outside kick +left outside kick
Doda - 5000 points - Left outside kick + head butt + right outside kick
Dizzy Dean - 1500 points - Front head butt + back head butt
Head Banger - 1500 points - Back head butt + front head butt.
Harvey Wallbanger - 1500 points - 1 1/4 oz. Vodka, Splash of Galliano, Orange juice
Nineteen Fuzzy Navels - suggested homosexual intercourse - 57 oz. Peach Schnapps, 57 oz. orange juice, 2400 oz. homosexual male.

I guess that explains why he's doing footbag in San Francisco. Oh yes. I went there.

IN CONCLUSION
aka THAT FATEFUL DAY (c)

Jimmy ended up winning Video Armageddon by somehow knowing where the magic whistle was in Super Mario Bros. 3 without having ever played it. It turns out that Beau Bridges isn't much of an attentive parent (what with the dead little girl and all) and Jimmy had to raise himself. That means that the parts of his brain that form syntax in casual sentences for conversation is just WATCH OUT FOR THE WILLIAMS IN THE TREE and all he remembers about his little sister is "California" and the Konami Code. Up up down down left right left right B A start. So I guess that explains why he's a little invalid.

Jimmy went on to coach the Major League Baseball Minnesota Twins when he was twelve years old. I had a few more Wonderful Years and eventually faded into "working" oblivion, showing up every now and then in peoples' dorm rooms to smoke crack and show off my HIGH-LARIOUS MOLE. My older brother Christian Slater got his middle finger shot off and was subsequently blown to little poor-man's Jack Nicholson bite sized pieces. My father, Beau Bridges, became a lounge singer for a while until the fabulousness wore off and he put all of his efforts into Jonathan Brandis. What happened to Brandis, you ask? I SHOT HIM JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE. The dolphin started crying and was all, "daaaaaaaarwiiiiiiin," and then Chuck Norris tried to jump kick me through the windshield of my car. I tell you, I don't get no respect.

California Games is quiet a game. Download it here or at the Ultimate NES Roms website. I tried to start my own NES Rom site but this site is the ULTIMATE and engulfed me. Now when I look into the mirror I see the ULTIMATE NES ROM SITE, but nobody else can.

- b
b@progressiveboink.com

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