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Castle of Cagliostro
The fabulous destiny of
Lupin III
written by B on september 16th - 2003
It is a divine struggle to explain a movie that you love to an audience, especially a new audience. I should just do movie summaries like every other crappy e/n website. "On the list of my favorite movies Castle of Cagliostro is at the top of the list! It is quiet a movie." I could put a picture of Mr. T in the middle getting ready to throw, say, Michael J. Fox with a word balloon reading "This is heavy!" and everybody would laugh. On the forum they would say things like "I like your article about Castle of Cagliostro. It was very well written." If you've never written for a website where you're trying to be funny before (and hopefully you haven't, because I do this for a living to feed my six children and two wives and can't take much more competition) the accursed "it was very well written" is what polite people say when they can't think of anything they actually enjoyed about what you wrote. Some people take "well written" as a compliment and make a career out of it. The cast of Frasier, for instance. Instead of Niles telling Frasier that he "smells like shit," he'll do a little turn and a prance and whimsically note that Frasier "smells like high-quality imported bat guano" and the crowd is all LOLOLOLOLOL and they write "well written" on the backs of their hands in magic marker.
I want to do something different. I want to throw paint at my computer screen and challenge you to decide what I feel about Castle of Cagliostro. So what if Steven Spielberg once referred to director Hayao Miyazaki's debut feature as one of the most perfect action movies ever made. Who cares if it had a tiny percentage to do with the creation of Indiana Jones. I should take my copy on DVD, submerge it in piss, and then ask you, the reader, what do YOU feel about it? Does it anger you? What if I illustrated the cover art in crayola and depicted Christ ejaculating on it while sea snakes and Hitler tickled his balls? Would it be confrontational then? Would it be more interesting than "this is a great movie. You should see this great movie"? Of course it would be. But until I get a raise, here is your plot summary. Remember, at all times, that I love this movie and you should see it.
SUMMARY (suck it)
Renowned international thief Lupin III (known as "Wolf"
in the old English dub and "Please Buy Our Crappy
Merchandise" on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim")
comes to the small European duchy of Cagliostro to investigate
some excellently forged money and stumbles across a national
conspiracy going back some hundreds of years. Lupin and his
friends must rescue the beautiful Clarisse from the hands of the
evil Count Cagliostro and solve the mystery of a hidden treasure
dating back to the 15th century.
"Castle of Cagliostro" is one of about six-hundred
Lupin-related movies (and shows), but, as far as I've been able
to see, is the only good one. Why, you ask? Because Hayao
Miyazaki directed it. Why does this automatically make it good?
Two reasons, specifically:
Reason 1) Miyazaki is one of the most
acclaimed and beloved creative minds in the history of animation.
Reason 2) Unless you work for his
Studio Ghibli or your name is Kurosawa or Jesus your movie sucks
compared to his. It's just the truth. I don't care if you're
Martin Scorsese. You directed the "Bad" video for
Michael Jackson and can't make movie without tits or
"fuck" in it. Your movie about Jesus had tits in it.
COME ON. And Bringing Out the Dead was an ambulance full of ass.
I'm using a bit of hyperbole there, but you get the point.
Miyazaki is God. Miyazaki is better than God. He's God if God
lived in a place with panties in vending machines and Anna Ohura
porn. Miyazaki makes movies that he wants to make and he makes
them with heart and spirit. To the date he has yet to make a bad
movie. So you're saying, "so what, lots of people haven't
made bad movies yet." Firstly I'd say FUCK YOU MCG,
and secondly I'd bring up the subjects of his films. So far he
has made movies about but not limited to:
- A little girl without a father who gets raised by a panda.
- A messianic adventure story about huge bugs.
- A floating castle and pirates.
- Little kids and Japanese forest spirits napping together.
- A witch who runs errands.
- A pig who flies an airplane over the Adriatic.
- Nature Gods, revolving partially around a severed deer head.
- The inner-workings of a bath house.
AND THEY'RE ALL AWESOME. Not one of them sounds
like they'd be worth a crap but they all own your ass. If you're
reading this on the Internet they all PWN UR @$$.
They remain beautiful, touching, serene, amazing...Christ, I
don't even know how to review a Studio Ghibli movie without
sounding like a huge dork. Just remember that Studio Ghibli is to
Anime as Buddha is to fat guys. Repeat:
Studio Ghibli : anime :: Buddha
: fat guys
Miyazaki is Buddha. Isao Takahata ("Grave of the
Fireflies," "Pom Poko") would be, like, Santa
Claus. The guy who does Tenchi is Will Sasso from Mad TV.
CHARACTERS (crotch chop crotch chop)
Arsene Lupin III is
your rail-thin anime protagonist, created by a guy awesomely
named "Monkey Punch" back in the 1800s, when anime was
all about puritans. My favorite anime of the time is "Can
Can Crucible: Lucky," in which a young puritan girl
mistakenly wanders into a haunted wood where tentacles sprout
from the ground and force themselves upon her, coming in upwards
of three feet from her ankles! The young girl is then forced into
a shameful hiding where she must whip herself 800 times with a
spiny switch for entertaining the thought of getting a foot rub.
Lupin carries on this tradition of anime by generally being a
huge horn-dog, stopping his day-to-day thieving to gawk at
whatever boob-o-sapien happens to jiggle by. He is a master of
disguise and a kind soul beneath his Tom Jones-haired exterior,
and will often help out animals, women, or children who need his
help. Miyazaki improves on the Monkey Punch character by removing
that underlying feeling that Lupin is only helping the women,
animals, or children because he wants to put his cock in
them.
The Lupin portrayed in Castle of Cagliostro is true to the spirit
of the character without becoming a stereotype. Like that episode
of the Golden Girls when Stan just keeps backhanding Dorothy
across the face. I mean, yeah, okay, we get the idea that Stan
knocked Dorothy up when they were teenagers and he's made large
parts of her life miserable, but we don't need to actually see
him opening up a can of Zsborn-ass on her. Turning him into a
serial killer was one thing, having a documentary crew follow him
around and film him was another, but that scene where he
violently rapes Blanche is just too much. And yes, I just
made a "Man Bites Dog" Golden Girls joke. You
know why? To show you that Castle of Cagliostro is a good movie.
See how this works? You're catching on. Pretty soon I'm going to
make a "Solaris" Press Your Luck joke.
Okay, okay.
"Big Bucks, I need Big Bucks, no artificially created images
of pleasure! No artificially created images of pleasure! Big
Bucks STOPPPP!!!11"
"A trip into space to see your wife and an extra spin!"
"YEEEAH WHOOOO"
Get it? Cause of the artificially created images...ah hell.
Anyway.
Lupin is chased
around by Inspector Zenigata, the ninth in a dynasty of
detectives stretching back to Japan's Edo period. This, as we all
know, was from 1609-1867. Before you e-mail me and are all,
"OMG U NO 2 MUCH ABOUT ANIME LOSER 2 THE MAX,"
please know that I researched these dates as I tend to do most
things, and do more in my spare time than memorize Japanese
historical periods. Except for this one time when I had this Goth
chick hanging out on my couch and I was like, "Hey baby, you
know that the Nara period was from 710-794 AD?" She was so
impressed that she started cutting herself and then she bled into
a cup and spit in it, and swished it around and then I drank it.
Then we put on capes, set fire to my coffee table, and danced
around it. Japanese history is fucking awesome.
Inspector Zenigata is one of my favorite animated characters of
all-time because he represents the fundamental theorem of modern
life: No matter how long you go to school and no matter how hard
you try you're going to fail. This hypothesis has been validated
by every self-depreciating tenth grader's creative writing
journal and every frat boy pop rock song you've heard in the last
twenty years. Case in point, Jason Mraz. "It all amounts to
nothing in the end! I won't worry my life away! Hey hey hey! Ho
ho ho, hey!" This guy looks like someone put a big foam
trucker hat sideways on a flaccid penis and tried to pass it off
as music. He strums his guitar and bobs his shoulders like the
imperfect clone of Pete Yorn, who himself is just an imperfect
clone of Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead raised in an alternate
universe where weighing 80 pounds is sexy and singing about
someone who broke your heart is creative. Zenigata didn't get a
job working for Interpol by sitting around on his ass and wearing
vintage tees, that's for sure. He follows Lupin wherever the
criminal may be, from the tip of the Eiffel Tower to the bottom
of the toilet in the men's bathroom of Piggly Wiggly. And if he
wrote a song it would be about a severe virus disease of rabbits
that is caused by a poxvirus (genus Leporipoxvirus) transmitted
by mosquitoes and that has been used in the biological control of
rabbits in plague areas. It would rock. Jason Mraz would just
write another song about eating dick. You're missing a
vowel, asshole.
In an early episode of the TV show Lupin made this big collage
and gave it to his best friend, with things like "BEST
FRIENDS" and "HAIRDOS"
cut out of magazines and glued to poster board. Since he gave it
to Daisuke Jigen we can assume that Jigen is Lupin's best friend.
Jigen is the world's
greatest marksman and can shoot anything from anywhere at
anytime, despite having guns that look like they were made in the
forties and a hat always in his eyes. Jigen's character was
originally inspired by James Coburn's gunslinging character in
"The Magnificent Seven," who was based on a character
from Akira Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai." So Jigen is a
Japanese character based on an American film character based on a
Japanese film character in a Japanese animated series based on
French literature. This guy has more international blood in him
than the Bush twins.
Study Question: Who is your favorite
Bush Twin? Tia or Tamara?
Fujiko Mine is Lupin's on-again/off-again lover/partner/adversary, a brunette from an old Japanese family of thieves and from an old Japanese family of Dolly Parton impersonators. Fujiko's last name means "summit" or "peak" in Japanese because her only purpose is to give the tired animators a chance to draw some huge freakin' hooters.
When you're drawing a
Lupin adventure you're stuck drawing meticulously detailed nature
scenes and sprawling castles, mind-blowing machinery and
everything from the rolling hills of Europe to the sands of
Egypt. You just know that the animators selected to work on a
highbrow project like Castle of Cagliostro were being held down
by Hayao Miyazaki. Miyazaki is all about the art of the work,
creating something beautiful for people to enjoy. Miyazaki moves
the heart and mind, he makes the viewer think without feeling
pressured and emote without being forced to. You know some of
those animators were twitching in their chairs, thinking,
"Fucking A when am I going to get to draw the apocalypse
death robots?" There was probably some n00b
sketching googly-eyed girls in cat-bikinis in the margins
of the mat paintings. In Castle of Cagliostro, Fujiko takes a
lesser role than she does in many other Lupin projects, partially
because of the emphasis on heroine Clarisse and partially because
Miyazaki appreciates a girl with a little bit of self-respect!
Like in the old Puritan III adventure "The Mystery of Pubic
Hair."
Rounding out the Lupin "Scooby Gang" is Goemon Ishikawa
XIII, a guy illogically dressed as a samurai who stands around in
the background until something needs to be cut in half, and then
he's all WHOOOSH WHOOSH ZING SLASH and
shit falls in half.
He's awesome, and by
awesome I mean totally sweet. Like the others he comes from an
ancient family, this time an ancient family of, you guessed it,
warrior-thieves. I think it's really convenient that these
ancient professionals all hang out with each other, it's gotta
make getting robberies done easier. Lupin and Jigen probably
started off with Bakery Yagi, from the ancient Japanese family of
bread-prep, and Ryo Saito, from the ancient Do-Fixer family of
bicycling. This actually gives me a good idea, though, 'cause if
some Japanese guy ever insults me I can get back at him by
telling him he's from the "ancient Japanese family
of SUCK IT." Then I'd crotch chop at him like 30
times and he'd bow and then run away. AMERICAN PRIDE BABY. THESE
COLORS DON'T RUN.
Also, unlike other "Scooby Gangs" of the same name,
Lupin and his pals don't sit around crying and talking about how
important what they're doing is fifty times an hour. No tearful
speeches, no please-get-me-mainstream-publicity lesbian sex
scenes, and, most important, Michelle Trachtenberg is not on a
motorcycle sailing high above the shark tank. The shark's name is
Spike. He says he's 20 but is really 40
and looks about 60. Old shark. Old, tanned
shark.
WHY
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
Because there are maybe five or six action movies more
entertaining. Cagliostro is fun without being Charlie's Angels
tripe and violent without being mean or taking itself too
seriously. Featured in the movie are:
- a runaway bride. No, she doesn't define herself by the person
she dates. No, Richard Gere doesn't show up and ass-hamster
everything up. Yes, she likes her eggs exactly the way I do.
SUNNY SIDE UP HIGH FIVE
- hooded goons. Every action movie needs hooded goons. I'd love
to see one movie where a hooded goon actually gets the job done.
They're worse than the people who get paid to fix the roads.
They're worse than modern-day comic book artists trying to get a
book out in 30 days without Gen 13 looking like the kids from
Family Circus.
- rooftop chases. Also, car chases, airplane battles, underwater
fighting, and a Fiat 500 that can drive up the side of a hilly
cliff with no regard for the laws of physics.
- Inspector Zenigata \m/
- Inspector Zenigata. Word life. \mm/
- a magical ring. Maybe not "magical," but if you hit
somebody wearing yellow with it it isn't going to puss out. HAL
JORDAN I'M LOOKING IN YOUR DIRECTION. Oh, wait, you died
and now you're even crappier than Kyle. My bad.
- a well used dungeon. At one point Lupin and Zenigata share a
joint and are forced to use corpses as weapons. Go childrens
programming!
- Booking that pays off. They promise you a mystery and a great
treasure and you get just that.
And by the end you actually feel good about having watched it.
This isn't Sailor Moon animated bullcrap where the deus ex
machina shows up and the magic broach turns the bad guys into
pixie star dust. Lupin, Jigen, and the rest are turned by
Miyazaki into people you can identify with and feel for without
getting your panties in a bunch. They don't make you cry because
they aren't supposed to. They don't blow up evil space
corporations because EVERYBODY in fucking anime blows up
evil space corporations. Keroppi has probably blown up an
evil space corporation at Donut Pond. Miyazaki replaces
the boring stuff that makes anime dorky with the special things
that make movies worth watching.
I can't imagine that a group of guys with pencils in 1977
could've done a better job than this. Wanna know how I know?
Because in 1986 Disney decided to do the same thing and got about
half the results.
DISNEY
Disney isn't the only company that copies Japanese animation. Oh,
I guess, Disney isn't the only company to be "inspired"
by Japanese animation even though they have "never seen
it" and "create their own masterpieces like Oliver and
Company" and "don't know of a country named
Japan." In 1999 Warner Brothers released "The Iron
Giant," based on Ted Hughes 1968 novella. I'm not going to
spend my time here condescending on Iron Giant because I LIKED
it. I liked it a LOT. It has no songs (like almost all Ghibli
works), no wacky sidekicks (like almost all Ghibli works), and no
lame ending that exists to give the movie an end instead of
rewarding you for having watched the movie (like all Ghibli
works). And hey, I'm not going to point fingers and say that Iron
Giant made any really really blatantly obvious
"homages" to some of Miyazaki's earlier works like, oh,
I dunno, "Castle in the Sky"....
Yeah.
Y'know, the robot in "Castle in the Sky" was recycled
from a Miyazaki episode of the Lupin TV show, which was in turn
an homage to an old Max Fleischer Superman cartoon, so it's
totally cool and admirable of a modern day attempt at great
animation to borrow a few scenes or themes to make itself better.
Whenever I start making movies they're just going to be Ghibli
movies done in live-action with the names changed. Next summer
I've got "My Taybor Notoro" being
released locally, and I hope to have production finished on
"Ave-Gray of the Ireflies-Fay" by
2004.
But Disney...ho ho ho, Disney just likes to pretend that what
they're "sampling" doesn't exist. There was a big
(mild) controversy accompanying the release of "The Lion
King" when it was revealed that the story, characters,
designs, and major scenes of Lion King were direct reproductions
of story, characters, designs, and major scenes from Kimba the
White Lion, a Japanese animated show. An animated show made 38
years ago. But hey, who cares, nobody has ever seen Kimba. Let's
get Julie Taymor to put some hats on some black people
and we're FINE. So, sure, moving on.
Then a few years later controversy emerged when Atlantis was
released. For anyone not in the know, Atlantis is just
"Nadia," a (again) Japanese animated show. The entire
obvious comparisons are gathered here at the Nadia vs. Atlantis page so I won't bother copy and pasting all the
facts for you. But, you remember when Vanilla Ice said that
"Ice Ice Baby" was nothing like "Under
Pressure" because Under Pressure goes "bum bum bum
bunnabumbum" and Ice Ice Baby goes "bum bum bum
bunnabumbum CHING?" Same difference.
The Disney history of Sucktales goes back even further, back to
1986. Don Bluth was prepping to release "An American
Tail" and the summer was getting ready for a big Sherlock
Holmes release. So what does Disney do? Make a movie about a
mouse who is Sherlock Holmes. WEEEEEEEEEEELLL, two years earlier
Miyazaki had started a show on Japanese television called
"Sherlock Hound." Know what it's about? A dog who is
Sherlock Holmes. In 1986 Disney released "The Great Mouse
Detective." Know what it's about? A mouse who is Sherlock
Holmes. WHO CARES, right? Sherlock Holmes is Holmes-o-sexual
anyway. What does this have to do with Castle of Cagliostro?
Disney couldn't just rip off the man's television show, they had
to rip off his previous works as well. "The Great Mouse
Detective's" only cultural relevance (besides being
sandwiched in that Aristocats/Oliver and Company Disney
pre-Mermaid dark age) is being Disney's first (and the world's
first, technically) animated leap into computer graphics. Yes,
CGI made it's debut in the movie about a mouse Sherlock Holmes
long before it was making 100 Hugo Weavings do a cabaret
gig in the middle of the desert. CGI was used to make
the final battle in the gears of Big Ben between Basil (mouse
Sherlock Holmes) and the evil be-caped Ratigan. This of course
has nothing in common with the 1980 final battle in the gears of
Cagliostro Castle between Lupin and the evil be-caped Count
Cagliostro.
Around this time (and
up until about "Mulan" and through
"Atlantis") Disney denied even knowing who Miyazaki
was. Then, when they decided to fess up, they bought the American
distribution rights to the Studio Ghibli library. This is why you
couldn't go two seconds without hearing the theme song from
"Treasure Planet" on your TV but it took five years to
get "Castle in the Sky" out on DVD. More recently
Disney animators have professed their love of Ghibli, and when
"Lilo and Stitch" was released they realized that a
movie about a little girl hanging out with a weird creature would
conjure up images of Mei and Totoro they included Ghibli in-jokes
throughout. This pushes them over into the "homage"
category with Iron Giant. And Samurai Jack. And about a billion
other American animated features. And you know? I'm happy with
that. It can only make the American products better.
And I'm sure it isn't exactly getting to Miyazaki. While Great
Mouse Detective sits on shelves Miyazaki-san and his kids can go
swimming in their money bin. Or their "yen bin"
I guess.
