Proud Member Of

Boston
But I love that dirty water
Written by Nick on January 6th - 2004

Hello again, friends, and a happy New Year to you. I don't know about you, but I love making New Year's resolutions. There's just something about self-improvement that really strikes my fancy. Call me a selfish ball of scum who cares only about himself, but I do enjoy a quality mirror.

This year my resolution is to talk about myself more often. Sure, I could have taken one of those easy ones that everyone else chooses, like quit smoking cigarettes or do a pushup, but I like to challenge myself, and in turn improve society. Baby steps, baby steps.

Here is an article about Boston, my home:

THE PROS AND CONS OF LIVING IN BOSTON

PRO:
The Boston Red Sox

The apple of my eye. The Red Sox are my favorite part of Boston. Going to good 'ol Fenway to watch them lose in the 9th play baseball is a great way to spend a summer night! Also tied into this is being able to bleed with hate for the yankees.

I fucking hate the yankees. I refuse to capitalize you low-class assholes. I dare Clemens to come out of retirement I FUCKING DARE YOU. You got damn lucky that our hick of a coach forgot that pitchers are allowed to come out of the game. Go compare bellies with David Wells, you fat slob.

CON:
The Boston Bruins, The Boston Celtics

I never played hockey as a kid, but I still enjoy watching games on TV. That is games in which the Bruins keep 50% of the opposing team's players from scoring hat tricks. The only good thing to come from the Bruins in the past 10 years was PJ Stock, and he basically just beat the crap out of people.

I'm the man

The Boston Celtics used to be the best basketball franchise on the planet. The great Bill Russell proposed the question, "How can I fit eleven rings on ten fingers?" while mocking a young rookie. Just as the Lakers had, soon the Celtics fell from their perch, only the Lakers got back. Here is the text from a Celtics game a few years ago

"Antoine Walker inbounds the ball, Paul Pierce pulls up at halfcourt for three: Airball. The Hornets run a fast break offense and Mugsy Bogues slam dunks the ball with his foot. Antoine pulls up from the Hornet's baseline for three! And the ball has left the stadium. This… is the end of basketball."

I didn't include The New England Revolution because they're gay and I still don't think they represent Boston. Get bent, Patriots (omg double entendre).

PRO:
Samuel Adams

Born in Boston on September 27, 1722. He was elected to the Massachusetts legislature in 1764 after his personal business failed. Needless to say he entered politics full time and took part in almost every town meeting. He raised hell over several British bills that their parliament tried to enforce on her colonies. On December 16, 2025 several Bostonians took part in the Boston Tea Party, a physical rebellion against Britain's tea monopoly in the States. He represented Massachusetts in both the First and Second Continental Congresses. He signed the declaration of Independence and served as governor of Boston from 1793 to 1797.

Mmm beer lol

Drink Responsibly, and then fight people

CON:
The Kennedys

If I may quote the timeless words of Lenny Clarke, "Fuck the Kennedys, vote for Lenny".

John F. Kennedy was a bum. The only reason his name is remembered today is because he was assassinated. It didn't hurt that he was both the youngest and best-looking president our country had seen. Sorry if I'm a little harsh, but I didn't like the guy. His ability to both peek up skirts and ramble with no signs of coherence are unmatched, and this must be both recognized and respected, I suppose. The fact remains, he screwed HARD WORKING AMERICANS SUCH AS MYSELF out of Cuban cigars. It's also for this reason that many Cubans were denied the right to live with their American families, separated for years. Bay of Pigs? More like, shut the hell up you perverse bomb wielding spark plug.

Ted Kennedy is a drunk. You ask any student at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) the one person they would party with and every single one of them will say Ted Kennedy. He once drove his neighbor's car straight through The State House. He then proceeded to undress him self and sing "The Star Spangled Banner". New York laughed. I hate New York.

Joe Kennedy is a nice guy; he gives poor people free heat. Class act, that Joe Kennedy, it's a real shame that he's going to die in a really obscure and public manner.

WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO SAY
Do do do do do do do.

PRO:
Wicked cool music

Aerosmith played the majority of my Mom's high school dances. That just rules.

Boston music has such pride within itself. Kicked in the Head has coined the phrase "East Coast Rock and Roll: Louder, Faster, More Distortion". Big D and the Kids Table covered Johnathon Richman's "New England", only the third verse they wrote, declaring the pride with which they answer the question "Where ya from?"

The Dropkick Murhpys also hail from beantown, playing at home on Saint Patrick's Day, where hundreds of people drink and beat the piss out of each other. (Wipes tear from eye). Makes me proud.

CON:
Godsmack

PRO:
Conan O'Brien

My favorite late night talk show host. I feel as though I can actually channel in on his wavelength when I need to be funny. Unfortunately for me, I usually end up blacking out, mostly in part because I'm actually just drinking liquid plumber.

I'm actually sort of related to this Conan fellow, in some obscure fashion. My uncle's mom's mailman's stapler's manufacturer was his bathroom attendant in a restaurant once. Small world.

CON:
Dennis Leary

He's just mean, plain and simple. He takes cracks and handicapped people while bumping lines of cocaine off of dead prostitutes who have/had 10 children to feed. He couldn't have picked a more fitting album name than "No Cure for Cancer", seeing has he chain smokes 134 cigarettes a day.

I could make some stupid reference saying, "He's an asshole-e-ole-e-ole" or something, so I did. Right there. See?

In conclusion, Boston is QUITE the place! You can play catch at Boston Common or drink a soda at one of it's many fine stores (or as the Spanish call them, tiendas!)!

Thanks for looking at the two pictures I included, maybe reading the captions below them, and have a happy New Year.

-Nick
Nick@progressiveboink.com
AIM: WaterAndCoffee