Any dumb television network can
create children's programming, but it takes a genius like
Nickelodeon to create art. This show transcends corporeal
likeness to express deeper truths about the human condition. It
is a show about grief and suffering. One look at the tortured
countenance of Steve Burns confirms that the artist has drunk
deeply from the cup of life. His work shall endure and inspire
future generations.
By abandoning representationalism,
Steve is free to express himself with pure form. Specific
interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. At the end
of the season, Steve is leaving "Blues Clues" to pursue
a more meaningful career in show business.
So how does it sound when
something is ridiculously blown out of proportion? Here, let me
try that again.
Blarg snarf hoogle boggle sandy
dandy pudding booha ooyaka.
Make sense? Let's try it one more
time.
"I was surprised to see
the degree to which children's television exists to sell toys to
children. When you have the attention of that many kids there's a
lot of good you can do that doesn't involve the selling of
products," he (Steve, the guy in the stripey shirt) said.
"But I always got upset when we got more press for the
amount of toys that we have for sale as opposed to the
educational value of the show."
For those of you who don't know,
or actually have lives and do not watch children's television,
"Blues Clues" is not a show about the importance of
reading or arithmetic during an important developmental stage in
life. Long story very, very short, "Blues Clues" is a
show about a man (Steve) who has (evidently) endured so much
powerful brain damage that he wanders around a cartoon world
talking to inanimate objects and enlisting their help to figure
out, say, what "water, soap, and a bathtub" have in
common. In fact, I'd go as far to wager that Steve is the only
character not to feature a giant red purse who is actually on a
lower level of intelligence than the children who watch the show.
He's somewhere on the totem pole between Telly from "Sesame
Street" and that fucking baby in the sun that screams on
Teletubbies.
Departing after 100 shows, Burns
says he’s not at all sad about leaving a show he found
tedious after a five-year daily grind -- not to mention the fact
that he was playing a character he said he would have loathed as
a child, Reuters reports. A character who lives in a house with a
dog named "Blue" who plays the game known as
"Blues Clues" every single day of his life. Suspension
of disbelief in full effect...what's so bad?
Waxing philosophically for a
moment, Steve's ignorance doesn't really come from the fact that
he doesn't know what "sand" is or what
"breathing" or "bathing" are. The guy's
played this game for five years...at least 100 times. So, at the
beginning of each show, Steve gets REALLY REALLY excited when he
understands that it's time to play the game...so much so that he
dances around and sings a wicked awesome song about how smart he
is. And then? He forgets how to play. Every single time. The
magical children who speak to Steve on each episode (who I guess
live in a weird void between the television and the living room)
have to explain the game again to Steve each time. Dude doesn't
have a job, hangs out with pales and shovels and shit, and he
can't even remember the ONE thing he should remember. It's like
Mike Tyson forgetting the "dick in hooker + crack + mental
retardation = jail time" equation. But at least Mike has an
excuse, what with being punched in the head and all.
If it wasn't for the kids on this
show they'd all be dead. "Blues Clues" is for the
younger Nick watcher, great stuff until they graduate to more
hardcore Nick shows like "Wild and Crazy Kids." Once
they're THERE, though, the kids don't wanna help adults
anymore...they want to beat them in WACKY GAMES. Water balloons
are so funny. Oh and that game where they spin around on the end
of a bat and get dizzy and then fall omg rofl
The idea behind the game is that
Steve's dog wants to do something, and Steve must figure it out
in, say, 20 minutes or so. So if Blue was choking to death on a
bone or something Steve would just sit there singing a song about
how smart he is and staring blankly, waiting for the children in
the void to tell him that his fucking dog was doing the
"skidoo" into a book about the afterlife. Steve finds
one of "Blues Clues," a big blue paw print, on three
objects each episode and must ascertain their relevancy in regard
to one another. If Blue puts his paw print on some
"food," a "bowl," and "water," he
probably wants to eat...so Steve takes the time to actually DRAW
some "food," a "bowl" and "water"
in a notebook. Then he ponders astrophysics or something until
the kids shout out "he wants to eeeeat" and make Steve
dance. Then he brags about how smart he is, cause he figured out
the Clues. What a narcissistic bastard Steve is.
Steve's career after the 100th
episode of "Blues Clues" looks bright and shiny. He
loves cheeseburgers, Italian food, peanut butter, and even
oatmeal. He is very athletic and enjoys running, hiking, and rock
climbing. Occasionally, Steve will even roller blade to and from
work. In his spare time, he enjoys reading and has since he was a
child. He also likes to have quiet time, listen to music, and
maybe eat a cheeseburger. Steve can play the guitar and always
had an ambition to act. His favorite actors are: Robert Duvall
and Al Pacino, who coincidentally played a possible homosexual,
named Steve Burns, in "Cruising" (1980). Al Pacino also
likes cheeseburgers, but not as much as Steve. Steve likes
cheeseburgers a lot.
Steve also has an album due out
sometime soon. You can listen to what MUST be his first single here. I haven't listened to it yet, but I bet
it's awesome.
As he waltzes down that yellow
brick road into former kid-show legacy with Marc Summers and J.D.
Roth from "Funhouse," Steve leaves behind the imaginary
helpers and disturbing CGI objects that helped him take a bath
every single day. Most importantly, Steve leaves behind Blue, who
will probably starve to death and die of filth and pestilence.
Who will help Blue figure out what she will do now?
"Let's see.... Blue has found
a 'shotgun,' some 'bullets,' and a 'fat lesbian talk show host
with the largest head in the hemisphere who likes to sing show
tunes badly.' What could Blue possibly want to do?"
Also left behind are Mr. Salt and
Mrs. Pepper, Steve's good friends from the kitchen who are always
stirring up some fun! No longer will we see Mr. Salt "save
the last dance" with his blatantly interracial wife. No
longer will we try to figure out how a salt shaker and a pepper
shaker had a kid.
Was it magic? Was it tiny little
salt and pepper shaker genitals? The world may never know.
When Tickety was around you knew
it was time to have fun! Now it is time for grief, and soon,
suicide. Horrible, horrible suicide.
Who will console the "Felt
Friends" now? These little guys hung out on Steve's pictures
and helped him out when he needed help with a clue...who can lend
a tender hand and voice to them now? Why do you think they call
themselves the "Felt" friends? Because they've got
emotions? Victims of sexual abuse should never have to go through
things like this alone. Steve couldn't give a blooming shit with
dipping sauce about victims of sexual abuse.
Steve also leaves behind a monkey,
a gingerbread man, a pink dog, and a chicken with a paper hat on.
Does Steve hate children? Yes.
How else do you explain it? He's
abandoning us all, because of some sick fascination with becoming
a "legitimate actor." Honestly I don't blame him...I'd
love to leave a five to seven figure a year gig and worldwide
fame so I could go back to doing community theater. Steve will be
replaced by "Joe," his brother. Joe is Steve's brother
like Edge is Christian's brother....they have the same mother and
father.
What happens to Steve if his
career doesn't take off the way he planned it? A possible return
to the merchandising juggernaut that he so loathed. Or suicide.
Horrible, horrible suicide.
Why can't you be more like the
Backstreet Boys, Steve? I will miss you.
