It's well established around these parts that I'm a pretty big Billy Joel fan. I love him. With no irony. So when I was searching through the Progressive Boink DVD collection in search of a post idea, I was struck when I ran across my Joel DVD.  It's a collection of videos, but not just any videos. No, the videos featured on the DVD were only the essential videos.  And I started to wonder: what makes them so essential? According to some website I found, essentialism can be defined as "as a belief in the real, true essence of things, the invariable and fixed properties which define the 'whatness' of a given entity. . . ."

I suppose what that means is that this particular collection of videos shows us what makes Billy Joel who he is, what gives me his Joelitude, as it were. There's no videos here for "She's Always a Woman" or "River of Dreams." No way. Eff those jokers. They show us nothing of the man's true Joelness. Still. . . what does make one video essential, and another not so much? I decided to investigate.  After watching the Billy Joel Essential Video Collection in it's entirety, I've come to a few conclusions about what makes a video essential:

1)  The song must feature an Important Life Lesson. This lesson can usually be summed up on a single sentence, and often ends in an exclamation point.
2) Billy and/or his band (also known as The Black Hole of Rockin') must in some way remind the viewer of another band/another celebrity/some irrelevant piece of pop culture history. You'll be surprised how often this happens.
3)  There must be celebrity guest stars.  Not every video features a guest star, but when they do, you can almost count of them being 80's specific.
4) Perhaps most important in determining how essential a video is, is where it falls on the BJ Jew Fro Scale.  At the end of each synopsis, I'll rate each video on a scale of 1-10. 1 is Jehri Curl Pompadour (A Joel trademark in itself), 5 is like, Howie Generic, and 10 is At the Drive-In.  A Good Jew Fro score does not determine a video's overall worth, but it is telling in how essential said video is.

. . .Oh, and it always helps if a video has hilariously out-of-place black people.

All For Leyna

Life Lesson: I find love more important than money!

This is just one of many videos in this collection that look like they were shot inside the warehouse where Joel and the Non-Rockers were storing their equipment.  Apparently after giving it all to Leyna, there was no money left for a set.  The awesome part about this video is that you can't help but notice how much he looks like everyone's favorite star sibling, Frank Stallone. Also, we must take notice of his band. Like, could they rock anymore softly?   They look like Journey. No, I take that back. Journey used to play the hell out of their invisible instruments. These guys barely look alive. I'm pretty sure they're only willing to play music after being touched by Andrew McCarthy.  However, the hair is in full effect here. The frizzed out perm seems to surround Joel's head in a veritable halo of brillo pad.

Jew Fro Rating: 6, Or Post Crisis Lenny Kravitz

Tell Her About It

Life Lesson:  You should tell your girlfriend if she's being a bitch!

To hell with Barry Manilow, it was truly Billy Joel who taught the world to sing.   And he did it by using Michael J. Fox's band from Back to the Future.   This video basically features Joel performing on the Ed Sullivan show, a concept that would later be ripped off by Nirvana, who were obviously closeted fans of piano-driven mom and dad balladeering. The problem with the video is that later when we're shown audience members being moved by the power of Joel's song, they all clearly exist in the 80s.  This continuity error is only accentuated by the appearance of Rodney Dangerfield and a bear. And if my history is correct, I don't think Dangerfield or bears existed when Ed Sullivan was on the air.  Ah well, they seem like they're having fun.  But I'm positive that Michael Winslow is an 80's convention.  Then again, they just threw him in there to up the "out of place black people" quotient.

Jew Fro Rating: 2, or Dieter

Honesty

Life Lesson:   It's good to be honest!

That picture of there pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? A man who looks tired and haggard, but probably isn't more than thirty in that picture. Maybe he's just sad that he had to replace the mannequin band with the Blue Oyster Cult, and their intense style of dark rock doesn't mesh with his "I wish it were still the fifties" attitude and overall belief that his job is to educate the American public on how important it is to be honest. He was probably all, "Hey Jean, honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you.  AND I ALSO NEED MORE COWBELL FOR THAT IS THE JOKE I'M REQUIRED TO MAKE AS I AM A WRITER ON THE INTERNET.  Then Mr. T showed up in  a sombrero and all was right with the world. This video is pretty basic and shitty, but it's notable because most people don't know that Mandy Patinkin played guitar for Billy Joel.

Jew Fro Rating:  8, or The Mars Volta

Sometimes a Fantasy

Life Lesson: Phone sex can be a good thing!

Doesn't he look like he should be on a poster in a college sweatshirt chugging straight from the bottle? Honestly, why is he so puffy at this point? Boyfriend needs to lay off the corndogs for supper.  And the Pepsi with uppers.  Of all the videos on the DVD, this is probably the strangest.  We have Joel, in a dingy hotel room, calling generic well-to-do blonde chick for some long distance lovin'.  So he's on the phone looking all apprehensive, like he wants to ask what color her panties are but can't quite shake the notion that he's talking to the woman from the end of Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion" video.  Then all of the sudden he looks off camera, and gives a small head nod to imply that his push pop has melted 'cause he happened to call Grace Kelly instead of Natalie Wood.  Then it cuts to this off camera presence, and who should we find there but Jean Reno? Like, I know the French have this reputation as being really romantic and sexual as a people, but who honestly needs the help of Leon to achieve orgasm?  Speaking of which, I didn't need to see your O face, dude.

Jew Fro Rating: 6.5, or Don Stark

The Night is Still Young

Life Lesson:  It is too early in the evening for us to quell our love making.

Watch out you might get what you're after
Cool babies strange but not a stranger
I'm an ordinary guy
Burning down the house

Hold tight wait till the party's over
Hold tight We're in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house

Here's your ticket pack your bag: time for jumpin' overboard
The transportation is here
Close enough but not too far, Maybe you know where you are
Fightin' fire with fire

All wet hey you might need a raincoat
Shakedown dreams walking in broad daylight
Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees
Burning down the house

It was once upon a place sometimes I listen to myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work baby what did you except
Gonna burst into flame

My house S'out of the ordinary
That's might Don't want to hurt nobody
Some things sure can sweep me off my feet
Burning down the house

No visible means of support and you have not seen nuthin' yet
Everything's stuck together
I don't know what you expect starring into the TV set
Fighting fire with fire

Alternate Joke: It sure was nice of Mathew Modine to show up and be in the video, huh?

Jew Fro Rating: 2.5, or Joseph Cotton

Pressure

Life Lesson: Pressure is stressful!

Billy Joel just hates pressure! It presses you! It is a pressing matter! Marvel as he demonstrates the difficulties of pressure by aping the kid from the "Enter Sandman" video.  Then watch as emulates that episode of The Wonder Years when Kevin tried to make friends with a fat kid, then dreamt that the fat kid was sucked into the ground by his own pile of candy!  Then be amazed as he fires his band to have more money to funnel into his video's endless fucking water metaphor, wherein the water is symbolic of the pressure in which Joel is drowning! My god it all makes sense now! Then finally, wonder why in the hell after all the water imagery, he shows a young boy being trapped inside his TV, making us all think of Mike TeeVee and how much we'd rather be watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  Boy, that pressure. He sure hates pressure! Pressure is a bad bear! Just a bad ol' bear!

Jew Fro Rating: 5, or Reggie Jackson

My Life

Life Lesson: I much prefer to make decisions without your input, thank you!

Today the part of Billy Joel will be played by Mrs. Rosetti from Who's The Boss? In this video, the non-rockers have once again been ousted, this time in favor of Stillwater.   C'mon, take a look at good old Patinkin over there in the red shirt, and tell me he doesn't look like Crudup's character from Almost Famous. YOUR LOOKS ARE BECOMING AN ISSUE MANDY! GO BACK TO THE CAST OF "EVITA" IF YOU CAN'T RUN WITH THE BIG DAWGS! My other major issue with this video is towards the end, when the entire group expresses a very obvious desire to join the band Queen.   Keep this in mind later when the videos all get super homoerotic.

Jew Fro Rating: 8.5, or Juan Epstein

Keeping the Faith

Life Lesson: I did not sell out.

This. video. is awesome! Okay, so Billy Joel is on trial, right? And out in the audience is Jimi Hendrix.  And the courtroom, which looks like someone shit American Graffiti all over George Segal's office from Look Who's Talking, is presided over by this really crabby judge.  Or you think he's a crabby judge, then you realize he can't be too crabby, because he's played by Rod Roddy.  So they ask Billy if he wants to defend himself, and he's all "Yo, your honah, dey say dat uh, you know justice is uh, blind you know? I just hope dat, you know, it ain't deaf." Then he puts a GIANT QUARTER into the judge's bench which is also a HUGE JUKEBOX.  Then he proceeds to rock. Well, as much as any one man can rock while doing his best Brother Love impersonation. So he sings for a little bit, then who should show up but Tawny Kitaen? At least I think that's who it is. It's very possible that it's actually Miss Yvonne's younger sister, who is constantly trying to eat her own face. After that, he introduces us to his band for this video, none other than the Brian Setzer Orchestra. Who, I should point out, even with their groovy swing style, still manage to rock harder than the Non-Rockers. At this point in the video everyone is happy in the knowledge that Joel has, in fact, kept the faith, so they wander outside to the piano from Big and who should show up but that paradigm of "I was famous in the 80's and now not so much," Joe Piscapo.

Jew Fro Rating: 3, or Samm Levine

A Matter of Trust

Life Lesson:  I know you think I'm going to dick you over, but I won't! Trust me!

In this video, Billy Joel explores the idea that his music can make black people happy.  Picture it, a New York City block on a hot summer day. The scene is reminiscent of Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing.  Billy and the Non-Rockers, looking like Eddie and the Cruisers got back together to play at their 20 year high school reunion, set up for rehearsal.   Because of the heat, they decide to play with the windows open.  Immediately the song's upbeat rhythm and message of "If you don't believe at least one of the guys who promise to call after you've put out, you're never gonna get laid" attract the various hims and hers of the street. Even Flava Flav
stops by, enticed by that old time rock and roll.  By the end of the song, the entire neighborhood has gathered around to listen to Billy croon about how he won't be a shitty boyfriend. So instead of the day ending like this, it ends like this:

And that's how Billy Joel saved Christmas.

Jew Fro Rating: 4, or Wolverine

Everybody Loves You Now

Life Lesson: You think you're hot shit, but you're just a cold turd!

This video is pretty generic, so let me make just two comments:

1) Hey, aren't you the fat guy from Boogie Nights?

2) Countdown to the destruction of Progressive Boink as a website in 5. . .4. . . 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .

Look everyone! It's Rocky Dennis!

Jew Fro Rating: 4.5, or Michael Landon

Uptown Girl

Life Lesson:  I want to nail a rich chick!

When you're a Jet,
You're a Jet all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day.

When you're a Jet,
If the spit hits the fan,
You got brothers around,
You're a family man!

You're never alone,
You're never disconnected!
You're home with your own:
When company's expected,
You're well protected!

Then you are set
With a capital J,
Which you'll never forget
Till they cart you away.
When you're a Jet,
You stay a Jet!

We feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming we feel!
And so pretty
That we hardly can believe we're real!

Jew Fro Rating: None existent! In fact, to honor the occasion, we're bestowing this video with the Russell Crowe memorial award for outstanding achievement in the field of greasy pompadour!

The Longest Time

Life Lesson: I feel good about my life today! Wow, that's new! Guess I'll mix bleach into my highball another night!

Hey look, it's Nicholas Cage's doo-wop group from Peggy Sue Got Married. Oh no wait, that's just the non-rockers.  The one on the left has the expression one must see on the face of Tony Robbins just before he rips out their throat with his incisors. I really love this song, but the video leaves you with kind of a pathetic feeling. I mean, you can't help but feel bad for Billy Joel after you see that his future is to morph into Henry Kissinger.  And not before turning into Jerry "the King" Lawler somewhere around middle age. Aww, that's too bad. On the upside, in that last image he appears to be doing a really wicked impression of Ric Flair.  And he once again has managed to entice the token black character in his video. Look how happy old Shemp looks! Man, Billy Joel is like a pied piper to these people.  Or a Roddy Piper, to keep with the theme.

Jew Fro Rating: 7 or Bob Ross

Allentown

Life Lesson:  What a shitty town this is!

Okay. I'm gonna need this explained to me.  "Allentown" is a song about growing up in a mill town in Pennsylvania, one in which career options are limited and ambitions are generally low.  It's a rather sad song about the working class, and the legacy left to our parents by their parents. So . . . why then did the director feel the need to make a video about a gay steel mill?

Here is the dome, back with the bass

The jam is live in effect and I don't waste time

on the mike with a dope rhyme

Jump to the rhythm jump jump to the rhythm jump

Everybody dance now. . .

Jew Fro Rating: The hat makes it impossible to rate, so this video gets a Susan Powter.