A team is not a team if they don't
give a damn about one another. But enough about us.
Very few times does a
movie touch my soul. Sure, I cry at movies all the time. I can't
watch "Roman Holiday" or "Breakfast at
Tiffany's" without crying like a little baby, and, more
recently, after leaving "Pay it Forward" I wanted to
cut my throat and slam my head in the car door JUST to write
"please God help me" on the parking lot with my
spurting blood. That was a pretty sad movie. Plus, it had Bon
Jovi as a domestic abuser! Why, Bon Jovi, why?
But I digress.
I hate a lot of things... music,
television, WWF ring announcer Lillian Garcia... so very
infrequently do I get to snuggle up on the couch with a bag of
Spicier Nacho Doritos and cheesy jalepeno dip to really ENJOY
something. And besides that weird orgy with those
Mexicans, the only time I do that is to enjoy the Eric
Roberts cinematic masterpiece, "Best of the Best."
"Best of the Best" is
the courageous story of five courageous Americans being
courageous through troubled times in a courageous attempt to win
the Gold Medal in some karate tournament. Granted, the only teams
in the tournament were the United States and Korea, so it
might've been the West Virginia Invitational Ho-Down
Face-kickin' Jamboree for all we know. But dammit, the
movie made it IMPORTANT, and you LEARN and LOVE with them as they
try to "best" the "best" Korean ninja
superfighters in the World (of Korea)!
Runaway Bride? No. Master of Kung-Fu? Yes.
The film stars Roberts
("Babyfever," "The Lost Capone"...yeah, I
never saw them either), the brother of famed yet
utterly-reprehensable Julia Roberts ("My Best Friend's
Wedding," "Lyle Lovett's crotch sweat"), as a
down-and-out former fighter getting his last chance at glory for
the United States. I can't think of another movie Eric has been
in that didn't eat floppy donkey schlong, but I DID get dragged
to the theater by my ex-girlfriend to see "Runaway
Bride." I'm sure Eric won't ever bring home the best actor
Academy Award, but even his worst has to be better than
"Runaway Bride." Colon cancer has to be better
than "Runaway Bride."
"Best of the Best" also
features Phillip Rhee ("Best of the Best II,"
"Best of the Best III") as "Tommy Lee," part
time drummer for Motley Crue and full time Asian-American.
Tommy fills our needed role of "character in the karate
movie who's brother was killed by the bad guy." Also, Sean
Penn's fatter brother Chris ("Reservior Dogs,"
"Beethoven's 2nd") as "Travis," the
stereotypical redneck on the team, John Dye ("The Perfect
Weapon," "Touched by an Angel") as
"Virgil," the stereotypical hippie of the team, and
David Agresta (uh...Who's the Boss? I don't know) as
"Sonny," the stereotypical Italian guy on the team.
NO!!!1
Click on the Coach
to hear his words of inspiration for the American Team!
Rounding out the cast are a
stereotypical blonde woman and James Earl Jones ("HOT TEXAS
STUDDS IN HEAT parts 2-11," "Field of Dreams"),
who surprisingly never just chokes the Korean team to death with
the force.
ARTICLE SPECIAL FEATURES:
Deleted punchlines:
Other Jones jokes I could've used
there:
...who surprisingly didn't just
look up the karate team in the yellow pages.
...who surprisingly never picks up the mysterious hitchhiker
"Moonlight Graham."
...who surprisingly doesn't form a ragtag group of black
baseball players to be his karate team.
Or something about the "Lion
King," about Nathan Lane being gay and/or the demon seed of
Lucifer. Released in 1989, "Best of the Best" was a
box-office failure, only grossing $1.7 million worldwide and
featuring some of the worst acting ever caught on film. All by
Roberts. Critics panned it for being too corny and predictable,
but the REAL problem is that it opened the same summer as
Disney's "The Little Mermaid." How many 11 year old
girls do we have running around the miniature golf course in
daisy dukes and push-up bras nowadays named "Ariel?"
Millions. Things could've been different, though. I'm
naming my first born "Dae Han" just for spite.
Anyway, all joking aside, the film
contains everything that a classic 80's karate movie should have.
1) One of the characters brother
has been killed by the badguy (as mentioned) and is seeking
revenge. He does not know whether to follow his heart and kill
the bad guy or do the right thing and let him live.
Usually has a problem speaking English (ie Jet Li, Van Damme).
2) Rockin' 80's soundtrack, with
such great lines as "somethin' so strong...DRIVING ME
OOOON!!!! THERE'S A FIIIIIRE!!!" and "put yourself
to the Teeeeeeeeeeest...be the BEST oooof the
BeeeEEEEST!!!!"
3) *No ROMANTIC INTEREST!* I cannot stress this enough. The only
reason I rank BOTB higher than it's obviously superior
competition that year (Van Damme's "Bloodsport") is
because there is no romantic interest. I want to see evil Asian
people and bar fights, not a money shot of Van Damme's
buttcrack.
The movie also features discussion
of the inner and outer labia, Chris Penn asking a chick if she's
"doing number one or number two" in the bathroom, and a
man violently punching a woman in the face. Fun
for the whole family at PG-13!
Another thing that sets "Best
of the Best" above the rest is the outstanding use of
metaphor and symbolism. While other, more critically acclaimed
films like Alan Ball's "American Beauty" choose to
place symbols and meaning in movement, dialogue, or other
indispensable elements of cinematic statement, "Best of the
Best" takes that necessary step forward and crams symbolism
down your throat with the force of a Motley Crue
hipthrust into a Baywatch gullet.
The death of Tommy's brother is
symbolized by the falling of an ice cream cone, because Tommy was
eating ice cream when his brother got his face kicked in. Nothing
says "I must avenge my brother" like ice cream, sure,
but the image of the overfilled cone flipping and plummeting to
the ground with the Lee that couldn't fight is presented so many
times that it feels like you're in a "wonders of dairy
products" high school filmstrip directed by Akira Kurosawa.
Okay, I'm giving the movie too much credit. A filmstrip directed
by John Woo, only not gay and in slow motion.
Anyway, throughout the movie, say, Eric Roberts says something
about a "team not being a team unless they give a damn about
one another" and Tommy starts flipping out and seeing ice
cream falling everywhere. It's pretty sad, especially if you like
ice cream.
The film's climactic end comes
when Tommy must choose whether or not to kill his sworn enemy and
take home the gold for the United States. As the moment draws
near, the image of a big Asian guy with an eye-patch squaring off
with a little Asian guy in white karate clothes not ONCE conjures
the image of Street Fighter II, except for when Tommy
gives Dae Han the dragon punch and leaves a big scar on
his chest. I won't spoil the movie for you, but I can guarantee
you that at no time does Raul Julia fly around and shoot
lightning.
"Best of the Best," like
other great American karate flicks like "Bloodsport,"
"Kickboxer," and "Land Before Time," was
followed by a series of sequels with descending quality.
"Best of the Best 2" actually features Rhee and
Roberts, but it features them battling against Wayne Newton and
Brakus from the United States Wrestling Alliance. I'm not making
that up. I would've pitted them against Andy Griffith or somebody
if I was making it up, not a fat lounge singer with eighty-four
gallons of grease in his hair and a nobody wrestler on roids so
badly that his penis looks like a thumbtack. "Best of the
Best 3" features Gina Gershon surprisingly not making out
with girls and battling skinheads (again, I'm not making this
up), and part 4, the big blockbuster comeback movie, features
Roberts and Rhee rubbing their rubber nipples together in a big
pool of neon. Okay, I made up that last part, it was never a
blockbuster.
Wonderful in almost every way,
"Best of the Best" is a great rent at your local video
store, in case "License to Drive" or "Short
Circuit" have already been checked out. For fun, rent
"Best of the Best" with "The Matrix" and
compare...watch today's greatest special effects artists overdo
the wire work to simulate the natural swing and viscosity
of Eric Roberts' feathered mullet.
If you'd like to learn more about
"Best of the Best" or it's stars, e-mail B or visit your local library. While there,
challenge your local librarian to a karate tournament for a gold
medal! She will deeply regret your loss, and offer herself as
your brother. I've got six librarian brothers already!
"Best of the Best," you
rock!
