30. Animal Crossing
Nintendo makes technological history by releasing the video game equivalent to crack. Buy this game if you never want to go outside again, ever.

29. Denis Leary
You'd think he would have no trouble taking a great idea for a parody of reality television & making it funny. So how come his fake reality show, Contest Searchlight, was the complete & total opposite of funny?

28. Brittany Murphy
Apparently one of the requirements to play Eminem's girlfriend in 8-Mile is weighing 90 pounds. Now this poor girl is so disgustingly skinny, her arms flab around like an old woman's. Please, Brittany, stop letting the Joker do your make-up & go get something to eat.

27. Yu-Gi-Oh!
Oh, just what we needed. Another stupid card game. Cashing in on the success of Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon, & Magic: the Gathering all at the same time, Yu-Gi-Oh! is slowly turning our children into a future society of geeks & fanboys.

26. Michael Jackson
The King of Pop is still missing. We still have no idea who this man in the Skeletor mask is, or why he's pretending to be Michael Jackson.

25. Flash movies that scream at you
Your friend sends you an innocent looking URL to a flash movie. It starts out by playing a song or telling a boring story... then out of nowhere, this big scary face pops up & screams in your face! Please stop sending me these things. I'm tired of falling out of my chair & hitting my head on the floor.

24. Castle Greyskull
Now come on. You don't remember He-Man's source of power being neon toothpaste green, do you? Here's a hint: no you don't. If you squint, it looks like it's built out of Tic-Tacs.

23. Immortal
I'm sure they've been around longer, but I only discovered them recently. For a black metal band, they do the job. They make the Worst list for looking like Alice Cooper had babies with the Undertaker circa 1997, & taking themselves seriously in their Kiss makeup.

22. Joe Strummer
The former Clash frontman makes a last minute entry by joining Dee Dee Ramone & Jam Master Jay in rock & roll heaven. Punk rockers everywhere mourn. Poseurs everywhere rush to buy Clash & Ramones records.

21. That '80s Show
That '70's Show is awesome. The 1980s were awesome. So what happened to this thankfully short-lived sitcom? Did the two previous awesomes cancel each other out?

20. Britney Spears
In her defense, it's not entirely Britney's fault that she made the Worst list. She didn't mean for Crossroads to be a bad movie. She didn't mean to get dumped by Justin Timberlake. She just had a really crappy year, that's all. At least she's finally old enough to spend New Year's Eve drinking her troubles away in peace.

19. Vin Diesel
If you manage to get upstaged by the special effects crew in your own movie, that should tell you something about your acting ability. It was pretty explosions, not his pretty face, that saved XXX.

18. Pepsi Blue
Pepsi jumps on the multicolored soft drink bandwagon by adding corn syrup to carbonated laundry detergent. Tastes like liquid Boo Berry mixed with strawberry poprocks... say, I wonder what would happen if I drank Pepsi Blue, & then drank regular Pepsi...

17. Mandy Moore
Between her borderline orange tan & her dark, ratty new hairstyle, compliments of A Walk To Remember, she could pass for Gumby's dad. Only, you know, with boobs.

16. Bright Eyes
Nope, sorry. There's no way I'm budging on this guy. Indie rock's hot new acoustic solo act sings like he took lessons from a goat going through puberty & swimming in ice cold water at the same time.

14. Transformers: Armada
Hey, I have an idea! Let's bring Transformers back! Only this time, you know, to get this generation of kids to buy them & stuff, let's make the Transformers collect these little robots, just like in Pokemon! Yeah, & give them all anime kids as friends, too! Holy crap, that's so brilliant... -ly stupid!

13. the Time Machine
My favorite's the part where the only thing the entire first half of the movie had in common with the book was that it had a time machine in it. You know what? I wish I had a time machine, so that I can go back to February & stop myself from paying to see this movie.

12. the D.C. Sniper
Surprise! The big scary self-proclaimed god was actually two guys named John. With the news media making up all the crap they did about these guys & feeding it to us as facts, the fact that they STILL managed to get caught deserves some kind of award. Like, a kick in the face award.

11. the Sweetest Thing
It's amazing how someone can cast Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, & Selma Blair in the same movie, & still make it worse than the Time Machine. Speaking of which, romantic comedies should not have as much penis in them as this one does.

10. American Idol
I like how the only person with any talent on a show called American Idol was British. Props for Simon Cowell for keeping a straight face while pretending that Paula Abdul actually had authority to be a vocals critic.

9. the Undertaker
I'm not sure when the Undertaker decided to change his gimmick from being an actual undertaker to being an old fat biker guy, but I just found out this year, & now I finally have a logical excuse to not watch wrestling.

8. Nelly
Ok, ladies. Let me get this straight. If a guy told you to take off all your clothes because it was getting hot in here... or rather, HERRE, you'd punch him, right? But if he puts a hip beat to it & THEN tells you to do it, then you're all for it. I just don't get it.

7. John Edward
Wouldn't talking to dead people be considered necrophilia? I knew there something creepy about that guy, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

6. Dating Shows
Blind Date. The 5th Wheel. Elimidate. Meet My Parents. And MTV has like 5 of their own. People, if you're having that much trouble finding someone to go out with you, maybe national television isn't the best place to find true love.

5. George W. Bush
Ooh, ooh! I wanna play with the army tanks! Can I? Please, please? Can I?

4. Dana Carvey
That man that was once a favorite of mine fell way out of favor with me after I actually paid money to go see the Master of Disguise. We KNOW you can do good impressions, Dana. You don't have prove it to all of us with a feature-length movie with a batch of your worst.

3. Kelly Osbourne
She was annoying enough on her stupid show, but now she has the impression that since her dad's a rock legend, she must have musical talent, too. Madonna must be rolling in her grave... wait, she's what?.

2. Anna Nicole Smith
I don't understand how a ditz like Anna Nicole Smith can get her own TV show & I can't. Especially after she ate several children. I have a new idea for a show. It's called the Anna Nicole Circa 1994 Show. It's going to be so awesome.

1. Computer Commercials
2002 will forever be known as the Year of the Dell guy. The only thing worse than him is Apple's Switch to Macintosh commercials. "My name is Sucky McSuck, & I'm totally smarter than you." Ten years from now, some kid's going to write a whole article about the Dell Guy on his turn of the century pop culture website & have "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!" written on the front page.

30. Celebrity Boxing
For decades, we've been asking each other who would win in a fight between So-'n-so & What's-his-face. Now we can finally settle the score. I only wish the series was more developed.

29. Anthony Michael Hall
The latest member of the brat pack to make a comeback, everyone's favorite '80s geek is now the star of the Dead Zone, in which he has psychic super powers!

28. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
How can you not love a video game in which you can relive all the fruitiness of 1980s Miami & beat the crap out of everybody in it & then steal their cars? It's almost as good as Mario 1... almost.

27. Finch
Not that I really like Finch all that much, but I'll at least give them the award for Only Screamo Band I Can Tolerate.

26. Robin Williams
Robin played some roles we're not used to seeing in his bad guy portrayals in both Insomnia & One Hour Photo, proving once again that he's one of the best actors out there & he can't be typecast.

25. Contra: Shattered Soldier
Contra is back on the PS2! And it's a side scroller! Very smart move, Konami. I'm so proud of you, that I'll let the game's lack of a Spray Gun slide.

24. Do-Over
It's the Wonder Years meets Back to the Future in one of the best ideas for a prime time sitcom in a long time. Now there are two shows on the WB that I actually look forward to watching.

23. Super Mario Sunshine
Luigi's Mansion was stupid, & the premise of this game didn't look like much of an improvement. But I was pleasantly proven wrong when I played the game at Best Buy. Props to Nintendo for finally making good use of that awful controller layout.

22. Amelie
Alright, so I finally got to see this French movie that nobody will shut up about, & I can see why. I like how every time I boycott something that everybody raves about, I end up liking it when I finally cave & expose myself to it. That plus she's kind of cute, if you ignore this bad cover picture I found on Google.

21. the Donnas
I didn't like this band very much when they are Lookout, & that's saying something, since I usually dig bands on that label. But with their move the mainstream via Atlantic, they actually put out a very good album. Good job, ladies. See what you can accomplish when you sell out?

20. Rich Rawww
An unexpected caller on my college radio show, Rich Rawww told us his life story about how he starred in the movie GLADYATORR & how sometimes he alphabetized his organs. Now imagine all this being said in a gravelly pro wrestler voice. "You know something, Mean Gene?!"

19. Harry Potter
Ok, I finally read these stupid books that all my friends just won't shut up about. This is good reading, even for somebody my age. I still need to find me a hot chick to go see the 2nd movie with, though. I have this thing where I can't go see a movie by myself.

18. Nirvana
After several years of Courtney Love being overprotective of Kurt's unreleased music, Dave & Chris finally managed to get her to agree to release the long lost song, You Know You're Right. Hopefully more are on the way, but for now, this long awaited greatest hits album is a must have.

17. Kingdom Hearts
Normally I hate Role Playing Games, especially ones that emulate Final Fantasy. But in this one you get to beat up a bunch of Disney villains & let Donald Duck play with sharp objects. Now tell me that isn't fun.

16. Donovan McNabb
Home team quarterback breaks his ankle & STILL throws for 4 touchdowns. If that doesn't say "Haha I'm better than you!" I don't know what does. Too bad he has to sit & watch the Eagles beat the crap out of everybody else without him.

15. Avril Lavigne
There are few things nothing funnier than seeing a bunch of punk rockers get pissed off at a 17-year-old pop singer from Canada because she wears the same stuff as them. Actually, if you forget about all that punk/not punk crap & think of her album as a pop record, it's not that bad. The hate mail link is at the bottom of the page, kids.

14. ALF
No media has ever served a gateway for washed up stars to return to the spotlight like telephone service commercials. Not long after 10-10-220 brought back ALF in hopes that he'd make up for Mike Piazza not being funny, everybody's favorite alien puppet was invading t-shirts & bobble-head dolls across the globe. It's almost as if he never left.

13. the Anaheim Angels
Finally, a World Series without the Yankees! The Angels not only manage to overcome the former kings of the American League, but they also defeat Mr. 600 home run guy Barry Bonds & his Giants in a 7 game series that's about as dramatic as baseball can be.

11. Vanilla Coke
Growing up in the diner capital of the world, I'm quite familiar with the most excellent taste of Vanilla Coke, but now that Coca Cola has marketed this secret recipe in mass quantities, I can enjoy my favorite diner beverage in the comfort of my own home. Props to Sonny from a Bronx Tale for doing the commercials.

10. Burn Kate
These guys were my favorite local band & are personal friends of mine. After the pretty decent success for a DIY record of their 2nd album, Big Rock Show, Burn Kate called it quits in November. Rest assured that it was an awesome finale for them, & I don't think they'll be forgotten any time soon.

9. Linda Cardellini
What the crap. I'm not supposed to be attracted to Velma. YOU TRICKED ME!

8. He-Man
When someone decides to revitalize a cult classic, they usually do a crappy job of it. Not so with the return of He-Man & the Master of the Universe. Even with some changed elements from the series we grew up with, He-Man rocks, & the cartoon still has enough cheesiness so as not to be stupid.

7. 24
Quite the interesting concept, Fox delivers what's probably the first series ever with a realtime plot, each episode picking up from the very second at which the last leaves off. It's done brilliantly.

6. Mr. T
Just when I didn't think anything could be as awesome as ALF back on my television, the great pitier of fools bounces back from his struggle with cancer & returns to the spotlight as Inspecta Collect for 1-800-COLLECT commercials. Throw in a number of appearances on Conan O'Brien, & there's no question that the T is back, hopefully for a while.

5. Lord of the Rings
I never read the books, & I'm actually glad I haven't, because I probably wouldn't enjoy the movies as much as I did if I was thinking about what parts they left out the whole time. The recently released 2nd chapter, the Two Towers, is one of the few sequels to be even better than the first movie. Let's hope the trend continues next year.

4. the Smallville Girls
It's no secret that I think Allison Mack (right) gets my vote for #1 über hot girl of the moment, but it'd be wrong of me not to give Kristin Kreuk (left) the props she deserves for also being gorgeous. These two make watching a TV show about Superman even more enjoyable. Trust me, this tiny little jpeged out 125x125 picture does them little justice.

3. Spider-Man
There hasn't been a good superhero movie in a long time, & the release of Spidey's flick had perfect timing as it set the record for best opening day ever. It gets my vote for best movie of the year, & holy crap, please keep the redhead look, Kirsten Dunst.

2. Weezer
Rivers & friends take a page from their own book & make a music video on the set of an old TV show. This time around, Weezer performs Keep Fishin' on the Muppet Show, with many cameos including Animal taking over on the drums while Pat escapes the clutches of a lustful Miss Piggy. Best video since Thriller.

1. Yoda
For years, we've asked ourselves how a little old creature like Yoda got to be the Jedi Master. We finally got our answer in Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Yoda shows us why he's #1 as he busts out his incredible light saber skills against Count Dooku. The little guy goes completely nuts & jumps 6 feet in the air! Keep in mind that's like 5 times his own height!

Mike

mike @ progressiveboink.com
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