Before We Could Drive
Or: PICTURES OF TOYS WITH WHEELS ON THEM
written by Mike originally for Poprocks & Coke on October 21, 2002

Hello, & welcome to an extension of what happens when an innocent conversation about childhood modes of transportation takes a left turn into Stupidville. What I'm trying to say is that I hope you like looking at pictures of toys with wheels on them while I talk about them, because that's what you're getting, crapface.

Humans love things with wheels on them. I don't know why. Maybe we just really enjoy riding on stuff as opposed to walking. I know I do. I'm 22 years old, & I still ride shopping carts around like they were scooters when I have to get groceries... which brings me to my first addition to Mike Fireball's Transportation Hall of Fame.

Shopping Carts
The shopping cart was originally invented for one purpose & one purpose only... to put groceries in & create a more convenient shopping experience. Ok, so that's two purposes. Shut up.

Moving right along, shopping carts were later modified so that parents could store small children in a collapsible seat & get repeatedly kicked in the belly. Unfortunately, children have the uncontrollable habit of getting bigger, until they become too big for the happy fun shopping cart riding seat. Oh no! What's a fun loving kid to do? Why, ride on the front, of course! The bottom of a standard shopping cart is equipped with a special shelf for storing such items as 24 packs of soda, large bags of dog food, 24 packs of beer, & of course, children's feet.

Shopping cart riding is part of the natural growth process. Babies ride in the cart. Toddlers hang on the front of the cart with their feet on the bottom shelf thing. Older kids who get to push the cart all by themselves do so with one foot on the back of the bottom shelf thing & the other pushing along like a scooter. This lasts for about 10 minutes before Mom or Dad gets fed up with you crashing into other carts like you're in some shopping cart demolition derby. Teenagers have shopping cart races in the empty parking lot, the whole time wishing they could ride the old fogey shopping cart that you can ride on. Parents put their children through the same cycle, until they get old & get to ride the old fogey shopping cart that you can ride on, the whole time wishing they had the energy to have shopping cart races in the empty parking lot. Ah, the circle of life at its best.

Roller Skates
Like the shopping cart, the roller skate has also gone through transitional periods. Your first pair of roller skates probably looked something like the picture on the right. Cheap plastic Fisher Price ones that could be resized to fit your foot. Mine were orange & even less elaborate than that, & I wore them out back all the time. ALL the time. Except in the pool.

Your next pair of skates probably weren't even your own. You probably borrowed them whenever you went to your local skating rink. No no, not an ice skating rink. A roller skating rink.

Ah, the bright neon lights, the Top 40 music of the late 1980's & early 1990's, the pretzel & hot dog stands, the arcade games, & of course, the brown roller skates with the orange wheels & stoppers.

This was pre-rollerblades, people. Even when rollerblades finally did come out, they were a rare find at a skating rink. We stuck to the classic 2-row alignment, which I hear is making a comeback, with twin stoppers in the front & the back.

Now, there's a new evolution of roller skates, & it's the coolest thing ever! Now, my friends, roller skates have again evolved. Presenting the roller shoe! Holy crap, if you haven't caught the infomercial for these yet, they're just regular sneakers with retractable wheels. They have ones with just one wheel on the heel part. I would prefer the 2-wheel version, or maybe even the 4-wheel version, but I don't think they make those in adult sizes. Oh well.

Skateboards
I searched Google using the word skateboard & this was the first picture that popped up. If Google was a girl, I'd make out with it.

I never really got into skateboards like most of the kids in my neighborhood did. My first skateboard was a plastic blue one. That's right. Plastic. It was ridiculous. I actually took it onto the diving board of my pool & pretended to do some wicked rad moves, man.

You know what? The most fun I've ever had with a skateboard is in Skate or Die. BIONIC LESTER IS THE BADDEST SK8ER BOI!!! Isn't that right, Creator of Ultra Games?

I'm never farther than your TV!
So drink Coke, or I'll zap you with my electric head!

Bikes
It would be wrong of me not to start off with the big wheel, for it is one of the most versatile creations ever to exist in the life of a toddler. Behold its many uses.

1. Ride it like a big kid's bike, only in super cool low rider mode!
2. Ride it like a scooter, placing one foot where your butt normally goes, & use the other foot to push your way to blazing speeds!
3. Turn it upside down & use the pedals to turn the big wheel & pretend it's some sort of machine that makes invisible ice cream cones of any flavor imaginable!

I still don't know where that last one came from, but I actually did that on more than one occasion. I think the girl next door started it. She was always a little odd, but then again, I want to make out with Google.

Left: Boy With Pillow Stuffed In His Jacket For No Apparent Reason demonstrates the proper way to ride a tricycle.

Other useful ways to ride a tricycle include the aforementioned scooter method, the stand on the seat & try not to break your face method, & of course, the try & navigate this icy patch so I can grab an orange flag & pass it to my partner in 60 seconds or less method.

The following is a picture of the greatest bicycle ever manufactured.

Pee-Wee Herman's bike. Behold its glory. Behold also its cute little lion head. With that, I don't feel like talking about bikes anymore. I'm going to talk about Power Wheels now.

Pow-Pow-Power Wheels
I just read something in the paper about some guy in Bethlehem, PA, who stole some girl's Power Wheel because he needed to get to work or something. It was funny. The end.

Psyche! I'm not done talking about Power Wheels yet! It has just been brought to my attention that a friend of mine from the U.K. has no idea what Power Wheels are, so here's a picture for him.

Power Wheels are kid-sized cars with electric motors in them that you can actually drive! Of course, they only go about 7 or 8 miles per hour, but that's besides the point.

Look at these kids. They're having a Power Wheels drag race. I want one! Like a my age one! Don't be surprised if I invest money in 5 or 6 Power Wheels just so I can invent a drinking game in the distant future. Remember kids, it's only ok to drink & drive if you're driving a Power Wheel.

Ok, now I'm done. Let's move on, shall we?

AHHHHH!! IT'S BABYZILLA!!!

The Cozy Coupe
No neighborhood containing small children was complete without the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe. If you didn't have one, chances were good that you knew somebody who did. There were quite a few ways to make good use of it...

1. Ride it like Fred Flintstone's car, putting your tiny little toddler feet in the hole at the bottom & pushing your way forward. Don't forget to honk the little red squeaky horn!
2. As kids get older, riding in the Coupe gets less & less cozy. So try riding ON it instead! Ride with your feet on the back after getting a running start. This works well when going down hills.
3. Try sitting on top of the hood as you go down a hill. Or, if you're feeling daring, try lying on your belly on top of the hood! Be careful not to fall & crack your head open though. It could happen. I guess I should put a disclaimer here that if you're actually going to go out & try this stuff, then you waive the right to sue me.
4. Here's a fun game to try. Stand on top of the hood while the Coupe is not in motion & have your friends throw stuff at you to try & knock you off. Soft things, like bean bags or volleyballs. Remember, I don't want you to injure yourself & blame it on me. You're the idiot standing on top of a Cozy Coupe & letting your friends throw stuff at you.

Scooters
Like a few other things I mentioned earlier, scooters can also be ridden like scooters. They were never all that big when I was a kid. But the tires on them sure were. Compare the scooters below.

OLD SKOOL SCOOTER

NEW SKOOL SCOOTER

Old Skool Scooter has nice big wheels that are not unlike bike tires. Well, ok, they are unlike bike tires... bike tires are bigger. Sue me. No wait, don't sue me! We talked about this, remember?

New Skool Scooter has these tiny little rollerblade wheels & they are rather scary to ride. Keeping your balance on rollerblades was a challenge to get used to in itself, but try replacing the middle two wheels with a skinny little plank for your feet & an equally skinny little pole with bike handles for you to try & maintain balance. I wish I had myself on tape riding one of these things. Actually, maybe I don't. It was scary. Maybe I should get one of these gas-powered scooters instead.

Oooooooh. Preeeeeetty.

Roller Racers
Last on the list of things I feel like talking about is the odd-looking Roller Racer. These things were so hot, there was an entire area in the kiddie section of the local amusement park dedicated to them... a Roller Racer rink, if you will. The way they worked is that you'd sit your fat bottom down on the red seat, or whatever color your seat happened to be. I've seen blue ones & white ones with green flames on the side. But this picture shows the classic red model, so you're sitting your fat bottom down on a red seat today... got it?!

Right. So if you'll notice, the handles look very much like bike handles. Ironically enough, that's how you hold them... sort of. And you'd kind of wiggle it left & right a bit to keep you going. These things were awesome for having downhill races with. 

I think I covered all the basics. Besides little red wagons, but I don't feel like talking too long about little red wagons or anything else, for that matter. Goodnight everybody.