Hello folks. My name is also Barbie. Sort of. I prefer Barbara. Coming to you from.. Well..

It's been suggested in some scientific circles that within all people is the capacity for high intelligence. That even amongst the slow and dull-witted, there is a spark of a precise, analytical, thoughtful mind, hidden under layers upon layers of stupidity that have festered and encrusted on top over the years. The seemingly inhuman calculatory powers of the savant is really just evidence of a complex, intelligent being screaming to get out, a scant few slices of light escaping between the cracks of a cold, dark shell. If what they say is true, well then, that spark would be me. I am Jack's Barbie's dormant intellect.

I had a savant once. I didn't like it. It was ugly, too big. I traded it in and got a Neon instead. They're so cute!

A savant is a person, Barbie.

People don't have wheels, silly.

...

Okay, so maybe there haven't been any scientific studies about it. But there should be. I've got to come up with some explanation for why I'm trapped in this hellhole while she's out there.

I had more control in the old days. She was still running the show, but my influence gave her class and distinction. She was someone who could be looked up to and admired, a paragon of style and sophistication. The model woman. A model woman with a waist that would suffocate a normal human female, but hey, we can't have everything.

Nowadays... ugh.

Oooh, how pretty! When I wear beautiful clothes like this, I feel like I'm living out my childhood dream of being a princess!

You are a princess, Barbie.

Aww, how sweet of you to say that!

No, I mean you are a princess. You inexplicably became royalty sometime back in the 70s.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, apparently mom and dad were the Queen and King of Malibu and they forgot to tell you. What the hell are you wearing in that shot, anyway? You look like you've got the tail of a 747 under your dress.

Oh hush, you. It's my turn to talk, you talk too much.

So like I was saying.. I have truly been blessed with many opportunities in my life. I've gotten to experience all sorts of interesting professions, and visit lots of cool places around the world, where I meet many interesting people! It's been very exciting to have achieved so much in my life, and only at the age of 23!

You were born in 1959.

You're not hushing! Recently, I was at a big Hollywood party when I saw this famous photographer guy there. We noticed each other at like the exact same time, that was so weird! He says he noticed me because he could tell I was really nice and thoughtful and not fake like those other people there. I noticed him because I wondered if he had just been eating a doughnut, since he had some powder under his nose. He asked if I had ever done any modeling before, and told me he could get me set up with some great gigs. I told him I'd love to. Then he asked if I had done any films before and I said yes, I was just in Barbie as Rapunzel, which is now out on DVD! Then he said he didn't mean those kind of films, which I didn't really get.

Then I told you to run your scrawny little ass off.

I don't know what you were so worried about.

We don't want a repeat of the Fresno Incident.

You mean.. That man? With the...

That's right. Let's continue to pray the copies we found in his basement were the only ones he had.

He said he was a doctor! He was just doing research!

I hate to break it to you kid, but there's no college in the world offering a degree in "poonology."

He said it was a new and emerging field. In his pants.

Anyway, so some calls made, and I met with some more people, and now I'm an official super model! I get to travel around the world, look glamorous, and wear all the newest and coolest clothes!

Just like every other job you've had.

What a great day for a drive! I just got my new pink sports car, and I'm ready to take it for a spin!

Mary Kay meets Miami Vice, what an inspired choice. Alright, let's get out of here, I need to--Why does that speedometer only go up to five?

Wheee!!

You're fucking kidding me.

Oh don't be such a party pooper! Besides, this is a European sports car. This is how they drive in Europea, they do everything different there.

We could walk faster than this.

Oh we could not.

That geriatric on the corner who's too feeble to move his legs and must rely solely on the power of his own flatulence for a means of propulsion is moving faster than us.

Ew, stop that!

We're actually getting farther away because the continental plates are drifting apart faster than this.

You complain too much. Look, there's a newsstand, I'm gonna go look for something.

Huh. There's a new Hollywood museum.

Omigod, look!

I think that jeep has Charlie the Tuna stuck to its rear axle.

Barbara, LOOK!!

I'm on the cover of a magazine! This is so totally cool!

I would hope you are, the magazine's called Barbie. God, what did they do to you? How did you pose for this without all that bulk on your head tipping you over?

Eh, my head's pretty light.

Yes, I suppose it is. All the same, congratulations. I can't say the hair is my thing, but you look great. Which is more than I can say for Haley Joel Osment on the cover of Teenbeat next to you.

Yeah, I think he's wearing lipstick. Okay, anyway, we gotta head home. Inspiration has hit! I'm going to make a fabulous new outfit for my trip to Aspen. It's my first big fashion show, and I have to look my best when I arrive!

Hmm.. Too formal.

And I don't think you'll be turning any letters in Aspen.

Actually, they don't do that any more, did you see? Now she just touches the block and the letter just shows up. How does she do that?

She's a witch. How else do you explain her still looking like that at 84.

She is not!

Swear to God. 84. And three months.

I think you're messing with me. Okay, next outfit.

I think I look pretty sexy, if I do say so myself.

Aspen, Barbie, ASPEN.

Oh, right.

By the way, are you using steroids?

What? Of course not, why would you say that?

Nothing. Just remind me to talk to you about some chest waxing procedures later.

Avast, ye swabs! Aye, which way to the Fame auditions?

What?

Nevermind. You're still not thinking warm enough.

Fine, fine. Oh, I know, I've got something in here that's just what you're looking for..

Ta-da!

Well, on the plus side, you certainly are warm.

Hooray!

But one slight negative is that you look like Bizarro Super Dave Osbourne.

Who?

Don't you have something like this that isn't, y'know.. blindingly garish?

Hmm..

Better?

Perfect. Let's get out of here.

Boy.. I wish I could walk around in the snow.. Wait a minute, I can walk around in the snow! I'm in Aspen! Oh, yet another dream fulfilled!

Can you even see through those glasses?

Not really.

Oh, what a gorgeous day for a walk! This is really what it's all about, you know? Getting back at nature.

..I think you mean back to nature.

No.. No, I'm pretty sure she said I should get back at nature. Now where's my marker, I'm gonna write "Nature Sucks!" on this tree. That'll teach 'em!

"She"? She who? Put the marker down.

Midge, you remember her. We were talking the other day. Can I just get back at that squirrel then?

No. Midge? Married Midge? Homebody Midge? Kung-fu removable stomach action Midge?

Yeah, I thought that was really weird too. I thought babies came from cabbage patches. Don't think I don't see you, you fuzzy nut-gnawing rat!

That or garbage pails. Stop flipping off the squirrel, people are staring.

Besides, it's almost time for you to get ready for the fashion show. Better start heading back. Just be careful around those icy spots, you don't want to--

*thump*

..fall.

Owww.. Why don't they clean this path, I could've killed myself!

You should watch where you're going.

That really hurt. And I almost broke my... um.. cock.. sux?

Coccyx. What did I tell you about trying to use words you don't know? You're not hurt, just get up and dust yourself off. There. Now be more caref--

*thump*

Dammit woman.

Owww! Now I know I broke my cocksucker that time!

Oh, get up, you big baby. C'mon, we gotta get back to the resort.

This place is lucky I don't sue, I've got mental distress and stuff--Hey, if we're going back to the resort, why are we still heading in the same direction?

Uh.. The path circles around.

It does?

Sure, why not.

Ooh, look, sledding! I've always wanted to try that!

No, Barbie, we don't have time.

But it looks like so much fun!

Yes, well, the thrill is somewhat lessened when you're doing it on a completely horizontal plane over gravel. All the same, I guess you should congratulate that kid on defying all known laws of inertia.

Oh, um.. Hey kid! Good job on.. flying.. uh.. a plane made of Nerf.. wait, what?

Nevermind.

This is why you're never in control, nothing you say ever makes any sense. How could anyone take me seriously if you were in charge?

*thump*

Okay, I've got my stuff all set up, and I've marked down on the mat where I need to do my moves so I can practice. I hope I can get this memorized by tonight.

If you can't remember four moves in six hours, I think you're declared legally incompetent.

Barbara! As if I needed more to worry about.

Look on the bright side, if it turns out you're a blonde idiot with big tits who can't dance, you'll always have a place on TRL. God, I'm so topical I amaze even myself.

By the way, I wish you had used a different labeling system. Now I'm going to have Dancing Queen stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Our head.

Whatever, let's not stress this flimsy premise. Time to get started. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancin' queen, dum dum de dum..

Right. Okay, 1, 2, 3 and

Sashé!

Turn!

Strut!

And.. I'm karate man! Hwah!

..Are you sure that last part was what they told you to do?

No, they gave me some dumb old boring move, but I thought I'd spice it up a bit. Hwah!

What good is a karate kick going to do in a fashion show?

It's fresh and interesting, it gets the crowd excited!

But, Barbie, a fash--

Hwah!

Stop that. A fashion show is designed to sell clothes. That's what you're doing, that's what you're there for. How does that move help sell what you're wearing?

...

I am karate man! Buy my clothes! Hwah!

Just do the move they told you.

You never let me have any fun.

Finally out on the runway, where I belong!

Stadium seating is an odd choice for a fashion show.

Who cares, they're all here to see me, me, me!

I think they're more entranced by the curtains behind you.

It is quite shiny.

That's the limited edition holographic foil curtain, it's worth twice as much.

Well I know how to get their attention back.

Don't do it.

I am karate man! Leg sweep! Hwah!

Goddammit Barbie.

You know where we should go after this?

The beach?

That's exactly what I was going to say! How did you know that?

I sensed a segue. Do any fucking black-haired people come to these things?

The hue of the raven is the stigma of the styleless.

I was not aware.

In my yow.. yo.. yuh.. younger and more va.. vuh.. vul..ner..a..ble-- Oh screw this, I'm going skating.

Ahh.. The beautiful sunny sky, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the surf; I wish I could stay here forever.

You live in fucking Malibu.

Yeah, but that place has become so commercialized.

Three of your dolls are sold every second!

Yeah, but I'm not a beach, duh.

That's a matter of opinion, you snobby--

Hey, look over there. Boy, that guy over there really needs to work on his tan.

Well I guess that's why he's here.

He just looks so pale and lifeless... Wait! I know why! He's a.. a..

Beach zombie!

What? Barbie, what have I told you about watching those horror movies, you know what they do to you.

No, no I'm serious! Look at him! I hope he's not one of those new fast ones.

Stop this right now. You're being ridiculous. I've about had it with your crack-pot ravings. Not everything you see on TV or dream up in that miswired mess of a brain is real, and I'm tired of having to remind you of it. No Barbie, the other models aren't spraying "skank juice" on your make-up to make you ugly. No Barbie, the squirrels are not plotting against you. No Barbie, that isn't a toilet. And now, NO Barbie, there is no such thing as a

HOLY SHIT BEACH ZOMBIE

Boy, that was a real Scooby Doo moment, wasn't it?

Ew, gross, look at that tacky polo shirt. He's a tourist beach zombie, that's even worse.

Who cares you putz? Run the hell away!

Oh, right. Aieeeeee!!

....

....

.....BRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII--*thwok*

"Uh, little help?"

Whew. That's a lot of excitement for one day. My nerves are really on edge. But you know what always relaxes me?

Taking a nap? Drinking some hot tea? Not talking?

Trying out new looks in the mirror!

That was going to be my next guess.

Eeg. The ghost of Leeza Gibbons haunts this mirror.

Okay, this is my current look. Good, but I could stand to be cuter. Plus, I read in Vapid Bimbo Monthly that lime slices as earrings are out. So how about..

There. I needed something a little more subdued.

And if anyone doesn't like it, you can use your earrings to stab them to death.

Oh, you know what I just got the other day that would be really cute on me?

A paper bag?

I'm going to stop asking you questions.

Bonjour! Ma tête est faite de fromage. That means "France is a nice country", did you know that?

..Can't say that I did.

We have so much to learn from other cultures. Y'know, if my modeling career takes off, I could be visiting France soon. Do you think they have TVs and cars there like we do?

No, they live in caves and play with dung for amusement.

Eww. Remind me not to shake anybody's hand while I'm there. I'll probably save this look for when I go, so I can fit in with the natives. What do you think I should say to them when I get there?

Mon chapeau a fondu. Il y a des sièges de toilette sur mes oreilles. Donnez-moi le vin.

What does that mean?

"Hi."

That's an awful lot of words to say hi.

They are a very inefficient people.

I've heard that. Let's see what else I've got in here..

Yo, mon! Where can I score some ganja, mon! Tee hee! That's what Skipper tells me black people sound like.

Your powers of mimicry are uncanny.

I'm all about promoting different cultures. That's why I have one black friend, one Hispanic friend, one Asian friend, and one handicapped friend.

You're just one nerd away from forming the Burger King Kids Club. I guess that makes you Snaps.

lol nostalgia

lol

I've also got my southern belle look..

If you look at it just right, it looks like your head is being devoured by a giant fish.

My sophisticated look..

Held over from your role in the short-lived stage production of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.

And my vintage look.

I thought that was your chemotherapy look. Y'know, I've wondered why your earlobes seem to droop more and more as time goes on, and now I see why.

What? No, I have dainty earlobes!

Sure, bloodhounds are dainty.

Eek! Stop it! That isn't true, just stop it!

And if the modeling thing doesn't work out, you can just go out in the park and let kids swing on your lobes for a dollar.

Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it!

All right, all right, calm down. I'm just teasing you. Your earlobes are fine.

*sniff* Thank you.

Your feet on the other hand, whew, that's disgusting. I've never seen--

BARBARA!

Fine, fine. Geez. Learn to take a joke.

Anyway. All this looking at myself takes it out of me. I gotta go sit down. What do you--

Oops, I guess that's it.

Huh? Did we do something wrong?

No, we did everything we were supposed to.

Wait.. That's it? We finished it and this is what we get? We went through all that shit and this is the big reward? Why the hell would I want to try again, I just did everything two seconds ago!

I think it's a good ending. We have the satisfaction of a job well done, and you get to see me in another outfit!

I hate you.

Was there supposed to be one?

Of course. I like all my stories to have morals. Like in my movie Barbie as Rapunzel, we learn that you shouldn't make fun of others just because they're prettier than you.

All right, here's your lesson.

When you get burned by fucking Nintendo Power, you know something is wrong. Oh, and charging 60 bucks for a game like this should be considered a felony.

I don't get it.

I know.