| Our story begins in the summer
of 2001 at one of the last places I'd ever expect to find myself...
an anime fan convention. It's not that I have anything against anime.
In fact I find it to be a rather intriguing subculture. But my knowledge
of the whole anime scene is limited to the stuff they show on Cartoon
Network & the stuff my sister used to have on tape. She was
really into the stuff not too long ago. She had imported videos
lined from wall to wall, & thanks to her, I'm rather embarrassed
to say that I now have no problem keeping up in a conversation about
Sailor Moon. I guess I really shouldn't be. I know a lot about the
Care Bears, too, & I'm ok with THAT.
So I'm at this anime convention in Baltimore, &
let me tell you, these people really get into the stuff. So much,
in fact, that a lot of them come dressed up as their favorite character.
It's quite a spectacle... one of those things where you're not sure
whether to be fascinated or frightened. And apparently video games
count as anime, so there were quite a few costumes that I recognized.
See, I told you Mario 2 was awesome.
So let me cut to the chase... they were showing
movies that were popular in Japan & Korea at the time. And so
we end up seeing one that I loved immediately, & has since become
one of my favorite movies of all time.
ATTACK THE GAS STATION!
The best way to describe this movie is to tell
that it's Korea's answer to flicks like Fight Club or Lock, Stock
& Two Smoking Barrels. It was released in 1999, & they showed
the DVD at the convention. I finally managed to find a copy thanks
to Lindze,
the girl dressed up as Punk Rock Princess Peach from 20 seconds
ago. Unfortunately, the subtitles are horrible, & the English
dub soundtrack in the official U.S. release is even worse. The sentences
are likethis.Look at the serious lack of spaces!This is notcool!
Oh well, the important thing is, I have the movie,
which means I can now finally do another installment of Fireball
Classic Theatre! Once again, all lines taken directly from the movie
will be highlighted in this color.
And I may do the movie out of order, because it's a very random
sort of movie. So if I do, too bad.
Why are they robbing the gas station? Just
for fun!
That's seriously what the captions say. Then you
see these four guys rob & otherwise completely trash a local
gas station. That's the first two frigging minutes of the movie.
Fast forward a couple of weeks...
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"Dude, it was a totally sweet idea
to go get ramen dressed up as a Simon. We should do this more
often!" |
 |
"Yeah, but to be honest, I'm getting
kind of bored. Let's attack the gas
station again!" |
 |
"Why must you punks rob our gas station?
The one down the street makes a lot more money than we do!
Look, this is all I have right now! I gave the rest to my
wife at home to put in the bank." |
 |
"Oh, alright. That's fine. We'll just
hold you hostage upstairs for the night. No biggie." |
|
"There now. Everybody comfy? You're
going to just hang out with Bulldog here while we trash the
place looking for your money." |
 |
"Wait... I thought my name was Bulldozer!" |
|
"Not in the crappy Hong Kong subtitled
version, it isn't. Now if they make any false moves, hit them
with your big giant stick thing." |
"Score!"
|
"Alright, heads down everybody!"
CULTURAL NOTE #1: Heads down is apparently
a popular punishment tool in Korea. You have to stand in a
sort of push-up like position, except with the top of your
head on the ground & your hands behind your back. And
you have to stay like that. Holy crap, dude. |
|
"As manager of the gas station, I
should be able to sit on a chair or something!" |
|
"As manager of the gas station, you
have the honor of getting hit on the head with my big giant
stick thing for not keeping your fat mouth shut!" |
|
"OUCH! Crap on this! I resign! You
brats are in on this, aren't you?" |
 |
"Yeah dude. We all thought it'd be
funny if we had a couple guys come trash the place, beat us
up, & hold us hostage. Surprise!" |
|
"Hey, somebody's outside & he
wants gas! Let's have the dork in the yellow shirt come show
us how to do that, because this apparently isn't a self-serve
station. What is this, New Jersey?! Hey you, manager guy!" |
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"I'm not the manager anymore! I resigned!" |
|
"That's nice. Come call your wife
so she can bring the money here." |
|
"Great. She's not home. My son's there
& he wants ice cream!" |
|
"You left your kid home alone? Nice
parenting. Let me talk to him...
Hi, where's your mom? What? Ice cream? Shut up, kid! Here,
talk to your daddy." |
|
"Listen carefully. I need you to tell me where Mommy
went...
FUCK THE ICE CREAM!" |
|
"Hey, can I see that phone for a second?"
SMASH! |
|
"Way to go. Now my wife can't call
me back when she gets home, stupid!" |
|
"Oh... right. Well then, here's a
screwdriver. Fix it." |
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"Dude, it was a totally sweet idea
to put on these gas station attendant's jackets & have
the customers pay us! We should do this more often!" |
|
"Yeah, & from now on, we should
just fill everybody's tank no matter what & make them
pay us full price. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be over here
spray painting this billboard." |
|
"Hey, which one of you is Pal-Nam?
Some guys are outside waiting for you." |
 |
"Oh crap! Don't make me go out there!
They're bullies from my school! They're going to make them
give me my tips!" |
|
"Don't be a wimp. Go out & face
them like a man. Then I'll just chase them into the car wash
around the corner & beat the crap out of them." |
|
"Hey Bulldozer! We got more hostages
for you!" |
|
"Wait... I thought my name was Bulldog!" |
|
"Well sure, if you want to
go by the crappy Hong Kong translation, then be my guest.
Look, if they move, kill them." |
|
"Really kill
them?" |
|
"... Just
beat them up badly. Now if you will excuse me. I'm
going to go smash these signs with slogans like HELP BUILD
A BETTER KOREA! and FAMILIES ARE REALLY COOL & STUFF!
Pssh..." |
Since we only get the name of one of our heroes,
I'm going to call these guys by the color they're wearing. So while
the green guy is smashing billboards, we see a flashback sequence
that explains what the deal is. We learn that he was a talented
painter when he was younger, but his dad thought he sucked, so he
smashed all his son's paintings & beat his wife at the same
time. Ok, back to the movie.
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"Yo man, watch where you're smashing
that glass! It's all fun & games until someone loses an
eye!" |
|
"Yeah. After that it's just a game.
It's called Find The Eye." |
|
"Hey, I'm kind of hungry. Let's order
Chinese food!" |
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"Good call! Hey manager!" |
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"I'm not the manager anymore! I re-" |
|
"Shut up! Call the Chinese food place
& place an order!" |
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"I'm still fixing the phone, stupid!" |
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"Oh, you mean this one?"
SMASH!
"What about the cell phone you have in your pocket?" |
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"I don't have a cell phone!" |
|
"If I find one when I search you,
I'll kill you." |
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"Oh, you mean this gate key!" |
|
"Cell phone." |
|
"Right." |
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"Order the whole menu." |
 |
Unsuspecting Cop #1:
"Is that lazy manager napping again? That's no way to
run a business! Hey kid, don't drink American beverages!" |
|
"But... I... like Pepsi!" |
|
Unsuspecting Cop #2:
"Drink Korean beverages & support your country for
once! Aww man, there goes that crazy fast loud driver guy
speeding down the road again! Let's get him!" |
|
"Dude, this is boring. You
& you... fight each other!" |
|
"What? No way man! He's Number One
in my school!" |
|
"Stand up for yourself or he'll bully
you for the rest of your life!" |
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Number One:
"Whee! Beating you up is fun! Take this, punk!" |
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"Gah! Stop it! I SAID STOP!"
BAM! |
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Artist formerly known as Number One:
"OUCH! Holy crap, I'm bleeding!" |
|
"Looks like you're Number One now,
Pal-nam! LOL!" |
|
Baseball Star Guy Outside:
"Hey man. Fill it up for me & keep the change." |
While the yellow guy is filling up the baseball
star guy's tank, he thinks back to when he played baseball when
he was younger. He never got to play... not even during practice.
The coach always made him run laps. So yellow guy quit, & then
the coach called him a quitter. Then the baseball star guy tells
him to snap out of his little daze & gives him an autographed
baseball. Dude, I'm totally not doing this movie any comedic justice
whatsoever.
|
Delivery Boy:
"Here's the Chinese food you ordered! That'll be however
much I just said it would be." |
|
"Um... we don't have enough. Come
back tomorrow." |
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Delivery Boy:
"Screw that! Pay me now!" |
|
"Shut up & come back tomorrow
& you'll get your frigging money then!" |
|
Delivery Boy:
"You shouldn't mess with an angry delivery boy! You've
been warned!" |
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"Hey Bulldozer! Chinese food's here!" |
|
"FOOD!!! Ok Pal-nam, you're in charge.
Take my big giant stick thing & keep guard." |
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"Score!" |
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"Argh! I need music while I eat! Alright,
you four! Come out here & sing for me!" |
The three ex-bullies that came looking for Pal-nam,
plus their leader who came to try & rescue them right before
the Chinese guy arrived, sing some pop song while our heroes eat.
A customer who pulls in for gas hears them. He turns out to be a
famous record producer, & hands them his card.
The red guy thinks back to when he was a frontman
in a rock band, but then when he couldn't pay the manager of the
bar for letting them play there, he smashed all the band's instruments.
The end.
|
That one cop again:
"We lost that stupid drag racing punk! Hey son, fill
up our tank for us?" |
|
"Ok, that'll be something-thousand
won."
CULTURAL NOTE #2: Won is the Korean
unit of currency. It appears that several thousand won is
equal to the U.S. dollar. |
|
The other cop:
"Hahaha, no no. The manager knows us. Is he still napping?
Lazy bum. What are you, new here? You'd better learn how things
work, son!" |
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"Oh... right. Ok then." |
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"Dude... where are you going on that
moped? Are you going after the cop?! You idiot! Forget about
the money!" |
|
"Hello officers. I believe you owe
me some money. So I'll just be under your car here taking
out the gas we just gave you until you give me my money." |
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Cop #1:
"How dare you talk to us like that! Just run him over,
other cop!" |
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Other Cop:
"Oh, that's your answer to everything! 'Just run him
over!' Look, kid. Just get out from under our car & we'll
think about not arresting you." |
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"Ok, that'll be something-thousand
won. Oh yeah, & I'm slashing your tires, too. Have a nice
night!" |
|
"Hey, I found another phone! Can I
just use this one?" |
|
"Let me take a look at that?"
SMASH!
"Fix it." |
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"What about my cell phone? Can I use
that?" |
|
SMASH!
"Nah. Hey & while I'm at it..."
SMASH!
"Fix this one again too." |
 |
"Hi, stupid. Fill it up, & don't
scratch my expensive car. I'll just be here on my cell phone
telling my rich boyfriend how stupid you are." |
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"I wouldn't even dream of scratching
your car like this."|
SCRATCH! |
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"Hey, idiot! Now I'm not paying you!" |
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"Hey, Bulldozer! I got another one
for you! If any of them move, kill them!" |
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"Really kill
them?" |
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"... Yes." |
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"Hiya, dollface! You get to
sit in a chair while the rest of these jerks have to do heads
down!" |
|
"Just wait till my boyfriend gets
here. He'll have you tortured & arrested & sued &
other bad stuff! Really!" |
 |
"Hey! How come she gets to sit in
a chair?" |
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"Because she's pretty." |
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"What about me? I'm pretty too!" |
|
"Her rack's nicer. Now show up &
put your head back down." |
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"Hmph. My boyfriend's much better
than you. You're worthless." |
At least, we get to see what's eating poor Bulldozer!
Oho! We see him in the heads down position! So that's why he's been
making the hostages do that for just about the entire movie. He's
being punished out in public by the father of a girl he had a crush
on. The father calls him worthless as he makes our hero stand up
& get back down again. I love how we're meant to be sympathetic
to the real bad guys in the situation.
|
"What are you idiots doing outside?!" |
|
"The blue guy made us come out here.
All of us except the hot chick." |
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"Oh no, is he making her play that
stupid syllable game again?" |
Why yes, he is. Bulldozer makes the hot chick play
Strip Syllable Game! He says a word, & then she has to say a
word starting with the last sound of the last word. So if Bulldozer
says "candy," she'd have to say something like "demon,"
& then Bulldozer would say "monkey." Get it? And whoever
misses has to take off an article of clothing. Looks like Bulldozer
is a master at this game... even though he misses once & calls
a do-over.
|
"Oh crap! I forgot! I need to go home
& give medication to my grandmother!" |
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"Of course you do. Shut up & sing." |
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"I'm not kidding! She's sick!" |
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"If we let you go, you're going to
go to the cops!" |
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"His grandmother really is sick!" |
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"Ok then, YOU can go take the medication
to her. Take my moped & come straight back here." |
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"Dude, your stolen attendant jacket's
on that moped... with your wallet & precious picture of
your family inside in the pocket of it! That's why you let
her go, didn't you? You idiot!" |
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Hot Chick's Boyfriend:
"What have you done to my girlfriend?! I'll kill you!" |
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"If by kill us, you mean let us beat
you & tie you up & put you in the trunk of her car,
then why didn't you say so earlier?" |
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"Check it out, I painted over this
billboard to make the girl on it look NAKED! Now all that's
left is for me to splash red paint all over it to represent
my father's anger! I'm a genius!" |
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"Hey, it's that drag racing guy! Watch
me pitch this autographed baseball directly through the window!" |
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Asian Mafia Guy:
"Hey you! Did you just pitch an autographed baseball
directly through my window?! HEY! That's my Number One guy
in the high school!" |
|
"He ain't Number One no more, buddy!" |
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Asian Mafia Guy:
"Whatever. Here comes my network of other mafia guys
to beat the crap ou- ...what the?!" |
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Chinese Delivery Boy:
"Hey jerks! I brought my entire delivery boy union here
to beat the crap ou- ...what the?!" |
So the Asian Mafia guys are lined up against the
Chinese delivery boys, each side thinking the other side is with
our four heroes. To make a long story short, this turns into...
...this. Everybody beating the crap out of everybody
else. This alone makes the movie twice as good as it already was.
Especially with Bulldozer constantly going after the same guy the
entire time. "I ONLY GO AFTER ONE!"
|
"That's it! I'm just going to squirt
everybody with gasoline & whip out my Zippo!" |
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Cops:
"This is the police! We have you surrounded! Hey it's
that jerk who stole our gasoline! Let's shoot him!" |
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Everybody else:
"DON'T SHOOT!!! WE'RE SOAKED IN GASOLINE!!!" |
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"Here you go, Bulldozer. Hold this
while I go steal the hot chick's boyfriend's car. We can't
leave yet... I have to wait for that girl to come back." |
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"Everybody put your heads down! NOW!" |
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"Dude, let's just go!" |
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"I need that picture!" |
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"Dude, she's NOT coming back!" |
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"Mister, I'm back. Here's your wallet." |
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"Good girl. Now take the Zippo from
Bulldozer & if anybody moves, drop it." |
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"Really drop
it?" |
|
"Really drop it. Come on, Bulldozer!
We have to take this & ride off into the sunrise!" |
|
"Score!" |
I didn't do this movie very much comedic justice,
& I probably put some parts out of order. But that's basically
how the movie goes. While the end credits roll, you see how our
heroes made out...
|
Green guy became a professional abstract
artist, known for his creative use of splashing red paint
over his works. "I'M A GENIUS!" |
|
Red guy joined a new band & is playing
at some big outdoor venue. |
|
Bulldozer became a cop. We see him reprimanding
some young punks, picking out two of them & making them
fight each other. |
|
Yellow dude became a star pitcher on a
minor league baseball team. As the umpire makes a bad call,
we see Yellow dude give him that look he gave everybody when
he was about to beat them up & take them hostage. |
The best part about the movie was the everybody
watching it was totally into it. When we cheered or laughed or clapped,
we cheered or laughed or clapped loudly. My friend Justin &
I even shared a totally awesome, super-secret handshake after the
movie was over. Here's what he had to say on the subject...
"I think we were so astonished by what we
just saw, we both felt obligated to part ways immediately and
ponder the meaning of existence... or.. to run and make sure that
WE GOT TEH LAST COPY FROM THE DEV TABLE!!!!111 NO IT R CLOSED!!!"
So what did we learn today, kids? Today we learned
that crime does pay sometimes if you're consistent enough. We also
learned that sometimes all it takes to reach your goals is to totally
trash a place & hold everybody hostage. If you do a Google search
for "attack the gas station" you should be able to find
it available to order somewhere. You'll thank me later. So, until
next time, FUCK THE ICE CREAM!
|
