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AOL
is more like, GAY-O-L
written by Jon
originally for backwords.150m.com -
february 12 - 2002
I write this in the midst of my second tour-of-duty with America Online. I chose the term ‘tour-of-duty’ because it evokes memories of that TV show based on the Vietnam War. I kind of imagine myself as the guy who is marching through the dense forest of the Internet, waiting for a Viet Cong to boot me off with a bullet through the neck. Look at me – I had intended to divide this rant into a list of specific rants, and I can’t even wait until my first neatly organized header to make a reference to an infamous chapter in history.
Hey, I
could have used the Holocaust as metaphor. You got lucky.
Perhaps
this is where I should introduce my theory on PC mechanics. Much in the way
that I don’t believe that cars actually need gas to run (I’ve never been in one
that has died from running out), I throw computer technology in the same ‘magic’
bin that includes the television, the refrigerator, and the compact disc
player. I will probably never understand how they operate, so to preserve my
sanity, I have decided that they work because of very small elves that live
inside of them. In the case of these computers, these industrious, wily little
midgets run around inside of the computer, pulling levers, turning valves, and
banging quaint little wooden mallets. When they sense somebody opening up the
computer, they run away, which explains why all of my computers stop working
completely after I try to fix them.
I
actually was going somewhere with all this. My theory on AOL is that whenever
the program starts up, a bitter war ensues between the evil, conscious-less
elves and the heroic elves who try to stop AOL from starting up. As a result of
this bedlam, levers are inadvertently switched and valves are damaged. Leaks
spring everywhere, and in an inspiring display that warms the heart, they band
together as one to right their wrongs. Meanwhile, AOL crashes like the
Hindenburg tied to Sonny Bono skiing down the iceberg that’s about to collide
with the Titanic.
Oh, the humanity.
The
question remains: What could cause such strife among these naturally
peace-loving elves? Why do some feel the need to bring down AOL?
Read
on, and understand.
I wish
they would just cut the bullshit. Including a welcome screen in the AOL
experience is kind of like setting up an information kiosk in front of the gas
chambers. (There it is. I couldn’t resist.) You are greeted with that guy
saying, “Welcome!” It is the first of their many steps to cater to retards, as
not all AOL users may be able to read ‘Welcome’ as it appears on the screen.
The
screen itself strikes me as that Parade magazine that is so crappy they can only
get rid of it by slipping it in with the Sunday paper. Only they removed the
only thing Parade had going for it: those WACKY one-panel comics. (“Oh look,
it’s that CRAAYYYZY Ziggy! And look! He’s making another clever reference to
the Internet! www.com! ha-HAAA!!!”)
“Shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck.”
For
those of you lucky enough not to receive a newspaper, I’m making a reference to
Parade’s vast collage of mundane drivel they shovel onto the front page. What
you see below is not much different:
I guess
I’ll start with the good. The mail icon sits to the far left, and is really the
only thing you should be clicking, with the exception of the minimize button.
Other features I’ll excuse are the local forecast link and the calendar
feature. I would say the same for the ‘Top News’ link, except that I wouldn’t
trust the same corporation that craps out this product to give me my news.
I
thought that would never end. Now for the fun part.
The
ineptness begins as early as the title bar. That little heart in the corner is
for storing this page in ‘My Favorite Places’ (that’s hippie-language for
‘links’ or ‘bookmarks’). Question: Why set a link to a page that opens
automatically every time you connect and NEVER GOES AWAY?!?
That’s
right. Wondering why I said above that you should only bother with the minimize
button? That’s because the close button DOESN’T WORK. It is there for your
clicking pleasure. Retards need stuff to click too, you know.
The
tour continues with the feature story – pop culture in its purest form. Hey
look, it’s SURVIVOR! Now, this is one web page that’s getting voted off the
island!
Underneath the picture are various links related to the feature story. Here,
we find the link, “Who will win?” Great! Now I can get opinions on the outcome
of a rigged TV show from AOL users even dumber than myself! But before I vote,
I’d better be sure and ‘Meet New Cast’. Now I have the inside scoop. Wheee!!!
The
main feature is accompanied by several lesser features, such as the latest in
America’s war on terror. I can already see the chat rooms:
NSYNCgurl4LYFE:
OMG look at the welcome screen theyre still talking about the terrorists!
OTownisKEWL_01:
NK? that was so 3 weeks ago get over it hey type 111 if you think o-town is
kewl!
O-Town? They should call them BLOW-Town. Because they SUCK.
No
welcome screen is complete without a survey. On this particular welcome screen
we are asked, “What kind of driver are you?” I clicked on the link and was
asked questions I hadn’t really considered before to affect my overall driving
performance. Questions such as:
and
“Have you been in three or more car accidents in the last year?”
Along with the notable absence of the witty one-panel comic strip, the welcome screen differs from Parade magazine in that it can actually get away with putting an advertisement on the front page. Inside Parade you’ll find Tommy the Littlest Sailor, Sally the Littlest Lady, Richard the Littlest Crack-Whore, and other adorable ceramic dolls for throwing off bridges into car windshields. But something (probably their moral standards) prevents them from bringing them to the cover. AOL evidently has no such moral standards to hold them back, as they shamelessly try to pass off an ad as a ‘news feature’. “This just in: Buy the Oldsmobile Bravada! Might as well, your financial reasoning is already shot to hell! Look at you! You’re paying $21.95 a month for an advertising scheme!”
Last
but not least, our eyes rest upon the thoroughly useless ‘local’ section.
Today’s feature: “Pro Football Field Reviews in the Stadium Guide.” My beloved
Louisville, KY has labored for years to bring an NBA franchise here, and we lost
out on getting the VANCOUVER GRIZZLIES. They wanted to go to Memphis,
Tennessee instead. Memphis IS ALREADY GETTING a basketball team. It’s all
true.
That
said, is it really appropriate to rub in our lack of athletics by showing us
stadiums from other, less inept cities? If it’s a joke, I ain’t laughin’. And
neither are the elves.
Atrocity III: The Alliance of Evil
I feel
rather stupid at this point. You have read neatly-organized header after
neatly-organized header filled with nothing but slurs and diatribes aimed at
America Online. However, you have likely deduced that I am, indeed, a
subscriber to AOL.
Well,
here’s the deal. A few months ago, I received a brand-new Gateway computer as a
graduation present. I got the special deal: premium speakers, premium software
package…and one year of free AOL. I use the term ‘free’ loosely: although it
doesn’t actually cost any money, it does charge a ‘sanity tax’.
I
didn’t choose AOL; it was a gift. Yet I should have known what I was stepping
into. You see, my first Internet experience was one with AOL. Many years ago,
I saw all my friends using the Internet, and I finally talked my parents into
letting me install this ’10 Hours Free’ disk. I set it up, and started the
connection process for the first time. Then, I waited.
45
minutes later, I gave up. All told, we probably used the service for about a
month, and I’m sure I didn’t successfully get online more than once or twice.
I can’t
say for sure what sort of backwards logic I was employing when I decided to fire
up the ol’ America Online once again. I guess I thought that as long as it was
free, it couldn’t be too bad.
I
suppose at least some good came out of my decision to use it. Had I not done
so, I would not be able to transmit this message, this distress signal. The
world would remain oblivious to the subtle, yet elaborate network spreading
around it.
Gateway
is one of many PC manufacturers and dealers that offers free AOL. Every day,
thousands more PC-buying souls are led to a life of online handicap. They fall
into the same trap I did. Before long, every Internet user will be a subject to
the infamous Steve Case.
Steve Case? More like Steve…NUT-case!
They will soon own the Internet, and their
recent acquisition of Time Warner (the most powerful media corporation in the
world) will soon leave pirated AM radio as the only media outlet representing
Free America. And they laughed at you when you built that Y2K bomb shelter in
your backyard.
You’ve
seen them. They manage to fit about 35 testimonials to AOL in about 30
seconds. The users recommending the product are given about .7 seconds of air
time, and on top of that, the cameraman is using that gay little ‘handheld
camcorder’ technique that makes it even more difficult to make out their faces.
The general structure of an AOL commercial is as follows:
Shadowy narrator:
Millions love AOL!
Teenage girl:
AOL is great!
Other teenage girl:
She is ALWAYS online! We love to chat!
Hapless middle-aged father:
AOL’s parental control is very important.
Ominous-sounding voice:
You’ve got mail!
Nondescript guy:
It’s so easy to use. It’s great!
Shadowy narrator:
America Online. So easy to use, no wonder it’s number one! Sign up today!
Their
strategy is obviously to promote the product by using the tired old ‘bringing
people together’ theme. I see enough of that shit already. How ‘bout some good
old-fashioned hatred and bigotry? It’s been way too long since I’ve seen any of
that.
We see
these commercials a lot already. I fear that they will take up more and more of
our airwave space until there is nothing on any channel but AOL commercials.
Sales of TV sets will plummet, and demand for telescreens will increase sharply.
I fear that before long, you will see my face on one of these telescreens,
confessing my crimes. “I am responsible for incorrect and hateful literature
against Big Brother,” I will say, and then you will see nothing but “BIG BROTHER
IS WATCHING YOU” and a portrait of a stoic, determined Steve Case. It will come
sooner than you think. If there is any hope, it lies in the elves.
Double-plus unencouraging.
- Jon
Jon@progressiveboink.com
AIM: Boiskov