In the wake of national tragedy it isn't uncommon to experience a wide array of emotional responses. Following the initial disbelief that such a thing could occur on American soil, one will embark upon a carousel ride of emotion whose seats forgo the traditional horse in favor of shock, fear, remorse and anger. They've still got one of those stupid stationary sleighs though, just in case you're cool with moving in a circle but the idea of ascending and descending at fixed intervals while riding an animal spot welded to a metal pole is just TOO HARDCORE!
2005 was no stranger to this sort of devastating affair which left millions of lives displaced and in ruin, questioning not only the ability of our government to control any repercussion and future catastrophe, but the validity of a spiritual higher power as well. Surely He, king of kings, would see fit to shield those most devout from having to experience such anguish. But, in the grand scheme of things HHH can only do so much to protect His flock from grief and peril while we're left to take it on the chin like a bunch of lumberjacks. Now, I'm not talking about any run of the mill child falling into an open well sob story, which serves more as an everyday occurrence than tragic news worthy of national attention. If anything, more kids should fall into wells. It helps build character. No, friends. The event I'm talking about is one whose shockwaves and ramifications will be felt years from now, leaving future generations with nothing else to live for but to ponder why.
blink 182 broke up.
Actually, that's not entirely true. They didn't break up, instead opting to go on indefinite hiatus. The differences between going on a hiatus and breaking up are subtle but many. Most of the time, when bands go on indefinite hiatus it’s due to exhaustion from adhering to the same tired formula, and while they still love their bandmates, they all need to branch out to develop an individual musical proclivity on their own terms. Then, when those side projects fail inevitably, they can get back to cashing in on what had buttered their bread in the first place. I'm trying hard to imagine a scenario in which the conversation leading up to the decision was handled in a mature, responsible adult manner, but for the life of me I'm having trouble moving past the probable actuality of non-stop "takes one to know one," retorts and the possible mention of poop and/or a butt, culminating with a warning battle waged over AOL Instant Messenger.
Not wanting to leave their legion of screeching fourteen year old girls disillusioned to the point where they'd consider cutting their losses and blowing like, the guys from Simple Plan instead, each member of the now defunct blink 182 set out to exploit an already exhausted demographic out of even more money. Mark Hoppus started an electronica band called Plus-44, choosing to remain willingly ignorant of the fact that "blink + keyboard =/= electronica." Travis Barker is in about seven bands now, systematically destroying music appreciation one genre at a time like some horrible drumming variant of the aliens from "Independence Day." quick get jeff goldblum to shoot an apple virus into his chest before he nukes graceland
Tom DeLonge takes the cake though. The degree of adulation he's taken toward his new band, Angels & Airwaves, is disgusting. There's nothing wrong with being proud of something you've created, but sometimes it helps to view things within some sort of context as opposed to making ridiculously fantastic claims of douchebaggery. Check out some of these quotes pulled from a magazine interview he did a few months back. I'd like to have been able to take credit for coming up with these in the name of comedy, but these are all things he says and presumably believes.
"Every song gives you the chills and you feel like you want to cry..."
So didn't those special visits from my uncle Charlie. Except Angels and Airwaves aren't going to buy me that Sewer Spittin' Raph action figure I've been wanting once the sonic violation is over.
"...much more powerful, emotional and melodic than Box Car Racer and blink put together."
Times infinity plus one to whatever you say!!1
"...the best music made in decades..."
Coupled with the previous quote, I can't help but ascertain from this statement that Tom DeLonge has never heard any music not directly composed by Tom DeLonge or made out of reverence to Tom Delonge. Beck? Who gives a shit about Beck? Radiohead? Get out of my face with that noise, Sally. Plodding mid-tempo arena rock which may or may not convey feelings in regard to love, loss and heartfelt memories of years gone by are what's going to ignite the stagnant mainstream rock scene.
fuck, beaten by the past 30 years
"It sounds like it has the conceptual depth of Pink Floyd, the anthemic architecture of U2 but with Tom from blink writing all the melodies."
DeLonge then concluded the interview by beating off onto a headshot of Johnny Cash, burning the picture, pissing out the flame, eating the ashes, opening the dictionary, thumbing through the pages for a couple of minutes untill he had to stop and ask the interviewer to help him find the word he'd been looking for and vomiting up the horrible body chowder all over the page containing the definition for modesty.
Not wanting his creative masterstroke to fall unrequited unto deaf ears, DeLonge set about assembling the only group of musicians he knew were suited for the task. A veritable D-Team of talent recruited from the furthest corners of punk rock's most ill-advised side project and bands more played out than Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction getting voted off the island by Simon Cowell to the tune of the Macarena being played by Smash Mouth, unified for the first time under a collective banner with the common goal of annoying the piss out of anybody not fortunate to be born into an impaired hearing problem. Man, deaf people don't know how good they've got it. Out of the thousands of noises I'm subjected to on a daily basis I can say with much certainty that I derive even the most basic form of hedonism from three... maybe four of them. And we're talking about a very good day, here.
Meet the Team!
Atom Willard - drums
Can also be heard in... The Offspring, Rocket from the Crypt, American Hi-Fi
Having pandered to punk rock's lowest common denominator for so long, it makes perfect sense for DeLonge to have gone after the "_____ for Dummies" guy to man the sticks. Willard is one of those drummers whose mark on the musical landscape has been made not through technical proficency, but by recording with any band willing enough to take even a passing interest in him. His resume includes such been there, done that and never should have happened to begin with acts as Rocket from the Crypt, American Hi-Fi and the Offspring.
As an aside, has anybody else heard the newest Offspring album? I'm pretty certain that if you listen hard enough you can actually hear the band aging further and further past their prime. "But Justin," one may protest, "the Offspring are a punk rock institution!" That argument is low-rent, and you know it. All being cited as an institution in any given field means is that you should've hung your hat to rest years ago, opting instead to grab desparately at that last lingering thread of noteriety. In effect pulling a Simpsons and refusing to bow out of the spotlight gracefully with any lingering sense of dignity or self-respect left intact.
Ryan Sinn - bass
Can also be heard in... The Distillers
Ryan Sinn holds the dubious honor of having played bass alongside a gigantic walking Chernobyl of venerial disease for years on end. Brody Armstrong made a concious adult decision in allowing Tim Armstrong to still his dick inside of her and fill her with his horrible amalgamate of semen and raw filth Whenever the Distillers tour New England I always make a point of booking a trip out of the country for a few weeks. Laugh and tell me I'm wasting thousands of dollars all you'd like, but that shit gets more pungent as it festers. When the anti-Christ comes barrelling out of her chest I'm going to be sitting on a sandy beach somewhere sipping one of those tropical bullshit drinks served in a coconut with a little wooden umbrella stuck into it for the sake of festivity.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAVID KENNEDY...
KENNEDY! - guitar
Can also be heard in... Hazen Street
Maybe I'm being mean and David Kennedy was just born an unfortunate soul, unable to discern between what "rocks" and what "sucks." People are born into color vision deficiency so I suppose anything's possible, but it's the only way I'm able to look at his resume and rationalize going 0-3. You'd think at one point he'd take an objective look at his career and see to it that his next hook punctures a vital artery. I shouldn't be so hard on Hazen Street, actually. They're a bunch of brocore assholes who refuse to shut up about "brotherhood," "underground," " staying true to the scene," and a myriad of other hackneyed scene phrases I shouldn't be hearing eminating from the mouth of some stocky 30 year-old with a "NY HARDCORE" hoodie and a receeding hairline to match. Three chords are fine when you're 16, guys. Grow up.
So, with a lineup in order and his ego sufficcently fellated, Tom set to work on his message to the world. On February 16th, both the first single from their debut record and its video were released to the jubilance of thousands of kids who just can't take Mrs. Henderson's crap anymore!!! Avant-garde almost to the point of self-parody, "The Adventure" is a confusing mess of an attempt at being artistic. Every scene is shot in an annoying grainy black & white, choosing to ignore the fact that we're living in the year 2006 and many technoligical breakthroughs have been made to expunge the need for movies to still look like reels of the USS Maine sinking off the coast of Guantánamo Bay before Teddy Roosevelt and his gang of "Rough Riders" stormed San Juan Hill.
For more information on the USS Maine, Teddy Roosevelt, the Rough Riders and the Spanish-American war, consult your local Wikipedia. Libraries are for chumps.
It's an all too common problem, really. You're in the middle of your second consecutive 24-hour marathon viewing of Michael Bay's "The Island," and somewhere between that awesome special effects chase to the explosion factory and the hot naked love scene, you can't help but find yourself becoming increasingly frustrated with your inability to follow or comprehend all of the intricate plot themes and subtle nuance. Don't worry though, because Tom's been there too. Him and well, every college freshman coming home for Thanksgiving break who won't shut the fuck up about how much of an eye opener college is and that you wouldn't believe the things they're learning in philosophy class and how the things they stay up all night talking about with their roommate while smoking some chronic next to the open window because the RA put them on final warning would just blow yer mind maaaaaaan. pass the chips bro i've got "tha munchies" lol
I'm not even going to try and explain any continuity or underlying theme to the video, because it's all pretentious nonsense. The only people who are going to derive any sort of meaning from "The Adventure," are the sort who laugh at Woody Allen films out of a sense of obligation. "Hahaha. Did you hear that, Mabel? Obsequious banter! Oh that Woody Allen! He's so clever!"
Immediately after filming this scene, DeLonge excitedly picked up his cell phone and made the rounds, alerting all of his closest friends and family to his having made it with a woman.
Darth Vader looks into renting the Ewok Village 2000.
In a nifty bit of product placement, Galoob relaunches its popular line of Z-Bot action figures in preperation for the impending fan demand.
Kirk and the gang would almost prefer the planet of the Amazons over having to listen to a bunch of mopey emo chicks complain about how much life sucks before whoring themselves out on the Internet with hopes of some lonley guy buying the new Bright Eyes CD for them off of an Amazon wish list.
Well, that's going to bring this "adventure" to a close. I hope this article serves as adequate warning for the misery we're all going to be subjected to over the coming months. On top of an album, DeLonge has written and is in the process of filming an autobiographical film, chronicling his life through some ridiculous World War II motif. Thus negating it's status as an autobiography entirely.
I hate rock stars.
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