After Eden
written by Paster Tom on February 1, 2026

Hello again, everyone. I'm so glad you could come here to have fellowship with us today. As you no doubt have noticed, I am delivering this week's sermon in a new format, on the "information superhighway" as it is called, a fantastic new form of expression to allow us to spread the Word of God to so many more people than we could before. It's really been a blessing to us, and we hope to you as well. One unfortunate note that I must touch upon before we begin; we had to use the entirety of last week's collection plate to pay for the Internet connection. As such we'd just like to remind you that the church really does live through your donations, and that this is really a giving of yourself to God, a form of worship as important as praise and prayer, and we'd also like you to keep in mind that buttons are not a viable form of currency in most of the modernized world. We really do prefer money, if at all possible.

I'd also like to remind that next week is the monthly after service luncheon. We encourage everyone to attend and bring a dish to share. But please, if you do intend to bring something, sign up on the sheet that is posted in the foyer, and note down what you will be bringing. Parents, we ask that you please keep a watchful eye over your children during this process. There was quite a scene last month when, as it turns out, one of the children wrote down that Mike Hunt was bringing poop salad to the luncheon. There was a lengthy debate among the church elders as to whether we even had the facilities to properly prepare and keep such a dish, and then the next week it turned out there was actually not any poop salad in attendance. It just wastes our time and yours, and Mr. Hunt was also very put out, as you may imagine.

Before we begin, I do have a rather embarassing admission. In my excitement, perhaps, for starting this new venture, I seem to have left my trusted friend, my Bible, at home. Unfortunately it had all my notes and all my highlights for this week's message, as well as my holographic bookmark that switches from the Shroud of Turin to a painting of Jesus when you tilt it that I like so much, it's really quite astonishing if you haven't seen it. I don't know how they do that. I have searched, in vain, for a temporary replacement. I have asked around everyone else here at the cyber cafe I am typing this from. It should be no surprise if you recall a previous sermon of mine, "Sin and Depravity Dot Com", that I could not find anyone else using these computers for their various ends -- many of them, undoubtedly in service of Satan -- who had a Bible. I did find one young lady who had a Book of Mormon and offered it to me, which I, of course, graciously accepted and then beat her with it, praise Jesus. But I have managed to come up with a replacement of a sort. In my searches of various dens of sin and filth on the Internet, so as to better aquiant myself with the evil we're up against, I came across what is known as a "web comic," a comic strip that is published on the Internet. This particular comic is unique in that it is written by a Christian and speaks directly about Christian values and beliefs, without the use of precocious children unable to chart a direct path from their school bus to their house. It's called After Eden, the title a reference to the fallen world we live in as a result of original sin. It's similar, but ultimately unrelated to the film Exit to Eden, about a world forsaken by God because it is inhabited by Rosie O'Donnell in tight latex.

So I've decided to allow the comics to speak for themselves, to bring up some important points. Then I can discuss it, and we can talk about how the Word of God as seen in these comics applies to our every day lives. So hopefully we'll all learn a little, grow a little, and maybe share a laugh or two along the way. Okay? Okay, here we go.

Life in modern times is difficult. We have been granted the use of communication technology, and as payment for this gift we are under strict requirement to use it incessantly. This is part of the temptation of sin; we are offered something that, on its face, is a great convenience, but carries with it -- secretly, insidiously -- a heavy price: negligible annoyance. This is the new age of punishment from God: In His infinite Wisdom, He understands the threat of eternal damnation for our transgressions is a bit too intangible. The seering of flesh and gnashing of teeth for an infinite number of lifetimes didn't carry the proper scope and weight in response to original sin. So He devised a new plan: He will bug us. Not enough to stir us to action, no; just enough to make us uncomfortable and irritated. Let me be clear now, brothers and sisters: There will be no second chances in heaven. If you have not turned from your sinful ways and accepted Jesus into your heart, when you pass on your name will not be in the Book of Life, nor the Do Not Call List, and you will be plunged into the Pit where the torturous machinations of Lucifer will deluge you with an inordinate amount of e-mail. You will have wanted to get some vacuuming done that day, but with all this mail to sort the vacuuming will not come. The vacuuming will not come.

The question is often asked: Who is truly to blame for our state of sin and decay today? Do we blame the serpent and his deceptions? Or do we blame ourselves, some defiance in our nature as humans that we could not overcome? The answer is actually neither. It is made clear in God's teachings that the answer is women. As the prophet Dre stated in the book of Chronic: "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." And how! Adam was innocently naming animals and enjoying the feeling of open air on his dingle when Eve stumbled in and partook of the Fruit of Knowledge in an ignorant stupor, like Mrs. O'Leary's cow knocking over a lantern and setting the world of perfect order ablaze. Indeed, women share many parallels with cattle, in that they are best kept herded together for easier handling, should only be brought out on occassion to graze or for insemination, and I am aroused to watch them lactate.

Recent years have given rise to a movement called "feminism," in which women believe that they are equal to men and should be treated as such. If you ever meet a woman who has fallen prey to this temptation, just remind them that next time if they wish to be considered equals they should take care not to break the world.

Jesus teaches us the importance of keeping a positive outlook on life. Nothing can be accomplished if we mire ourselves in temporary setbacks. Always seek to find the upside of any situation: If your entire quarter of the planet has been swallowed by the sea, instead of weeping over lost family members or the shattered remains of your life, remind yourself, "Not everyone in the world will die in this disaster!" Keeping an optimistic attitude will see you through any situation. Except the one that kills you. Natch.

When I spoke earlier about keeping a positive attitude, this was meant of course only as an occassional contrast to being a complete and absolute bummer the other 99% of the time. Advancements in mankind have made it possible for people to forget from time to time that they're supposed to be miserable because they don't live in an idealized Busch Gardens. So it's important to remind them, early and often, that every time they get a papercut it's because they are wicked. Act out this exercise with a friend to practice for when the time comes to preach to everyone you come in contact with.

Sinner: My, it looks like a storm is brewing.
You: Well that's because you enjoy sex and rock and roll music.
Sinner: Ouch! I stepped on a sharp rock and cut my foot.
You: If your ancient ancestor hadn't made a single error in judgement, that wouldn't happen.
Sinner: But why would our blood be designed to clot if it was never meant to bleed?
You: *clasping palm to sinner's forehead* OUT, DEMON

In addition, your grandmother slowly devolving into Elderly Howie Mandel is further evidence of a sin cursed world. Whether the curse is on her or you is a matter of some scholarly debate.

We are at constant war with the dark leagues of science which seek to undermine our teachings. The nature of faith is such that there can be no marriage of the two schools; either you believe that we all grew out of monkeys who grew out of turtles who grew out of fish, or that an old man in the sky made us out of dirt. Yes, I know, one of those is simply so ridiculous it barely merits mentioning. In their wickedness, the scientists have created the "Darwin fish" to mock our holiest of bumper adornments, the Jesus fish. They have done this solely to get a rise out of us, so the most sensible course of action is to respond with rabid self-righteousness at every possible instance until they suddenly realize the mistake they've made.

The artist for these comics has done a wonderful job giving us an insight into the dangers of sinful living. The surreal image of a chicken gasping in unmitigated horror at oversized human hands that have grown out of his wings is just a sampling of how the tortures of hell will disturb and warp your mind.

Here we learn yet another important lesson: We must always have faith in God, as he.. as he provides for us even.. um... even in our darkest.. I'm sorry, are those dinosaurs getting into the Ark? What the fuck?

Not often enough do we remember the true victims of the evolutionist poison that permeates our society: The children. How can we expect them to grow up healthy and stable in the light of the Lord when they are constantly being fed such frightening, destructive material? In these times of negativity and darkness, it is more important than ever to comfort your child with the Word of God. So instead of reading him or her that secular occult nonsense about the power of a hyperintelligent spider (one of the beasts of Satan, for they are icky) saving the life of swine (filthy creatures that should not be idolized; plus, if Legion inhabited them once, they could do it again, possibly while you're eating a bacon egg and cheese), read to your child passages from the Bible. It's never too early to start, and your child will immediately gain a greater love and appreciation for our Lord with passages like Nahum 1:2-6:

The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies. The LORD is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished. His way is in the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of his feet. He rebukes the sea and dries it up; he makes all the rivers run dry. Bashan and Carmel wither and the blossoms of Lebanon fade. The mountains quake before him and the hills melt away. The earth trembles at his presence, the world and all who live in it. Who can withstand his indignation? Who can endure his fierce anger? His wrath is poured out like fire; the rocks are shattered before him.

and Psalm 137:9

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

and who can forget Ezekiel 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

Your children can also use the Bible as a guidebook for the importance of family values, such as with Genesis 22:6-11.

Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"

"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.

"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

"Psyche! We don't really want you to kill your son." the angel declared. "Oh man, you were totally gonna do it too. That's so hilarious."

That concludes today's sermon. I hope you found it enlightening and it served to bring you closer to our Lord and helped you achieve a greater understanding of Him and His Work. I'd like to close today with a song, so if you'll all please turn to number 158 in your hymnals..

pastor tom
pastortom@progressiveboink.com