I wanted to write a big long introduction about the complexity of sexuality, and the right of every man to live the life he finds correct for himself, but once I got about halfway through the list I accepted the fact that I have got to be the most flaming queer in existence for supporting the people who perpetuated these things. I am. I don't care if I have a girlfriend, I'm gay. I'm gay right now. Watch me. Watch me be gay.

Things not included on the list by my choice are:

- Lucha Libre, or "mexican wrestling," where practically everyone is gay but it all just kinda goes with the flow and everyone is cool with it except for that one guy with the goddamn air horn who is getting my shoe put up his ass if I ever go to Mexico City.

- Smoky Mountain Wrestling, the Appalachian area promotion run by Jim Cornette, where nobody's gay but all the good guys wear glittery jackets and fancy hats and bow ties, and everyone SHOULD be. Like The Fantastics. How am I going to make fun of the Fantastics? They were great. But the bow ties, my God.

- The majority of UPW, because I'm not sure which of the guys are supposed to be gay and which ones aren't. Like, there's a team actually called "G.A.Y.," but they don't seem that much gayer than everyone else.

So. As Emily would say, gayest tag teams ever. Let's do this.

20. Basham Brothers

Team: Doug and Danny Basham
Era: 2003, WWE Smackdown!

The Bashams Brothers debuted on Smackdown with the tried and tested "Killer Bees" gimmick that they look exactly the same, so the referee working the match would not be able to tell them apart if they switched places. They were also supposed to be tough, so they were the "Bashams," or as I liked to call them, the "Bash Thems." Stealing Jim Brunzell and B. Brian Blair's schtick isn't going to get you called gay by anybody but the Iron Sheik, and he was never going to respect a you anyway, so the "two bald white guys = identical twins even though they aren't brothers and don't really look alike in real life" works out well enough in pretend land and you're fine.

The problem comes with the inevitable "you're boring" retooling from the World Wrestling Entertainment Creative Staff. These guys are in charge of coming up with some ideas that a coked-out psychopathic billionaire who has never read, heard, or seen anything and only likes things with which he is familiar will approve and put on television. Apparently one of the things a coked-out psychopathic billionaire who has never read, heard, or seen anything and only likes things with which he is familiar likes is sexual perversion, and the Bash Thems ended up with the short end of a really, really, really unpleasant stick. They became S&M slaves to a tall black lady named "Shaniqua," because that is how human beings work. Slaves to the SAME Shaniqua, too, which lead to a lot of uncomfortable riding cropping and vinyl masks with zippers on the mouths. The kayfabe sexual preferences of the Bashams were not explicity explained (thank God) so one is to believe that they either didn't mind having sex with each other, or that one of them distracted Shaniqua and switched out his brother during coitus. They also occasionally wore velour tights.

19. The Madisons

Team: G.Q. and T.D. Madison
Era: 1989, IWCCW

There are an odd number of "brother" tag teams on this list.

There is no way T.D. Madison (the guy in the front) can be comfortable in that. Wrestling gear takes a lot of weird forms that don't seem practical (Candice Michelle participating in a sporting event wearing a bustier and thong, Gran Naniwa wrestling with a big crab on his face), but if you're going for something simple like a solid colored singlet, measure nooks and crannies so you don't have hot pink spandex filling them every time you try to move. You move for a living. I do not want to see your fuchsia mushroom tip peering out at me during your vertical suplex.

This was actually a step up for T.D. He broke in somewhere in New England wrestling guys like "Curly Moe" the amalgamated Stooge, and had managed to win a couple of local tag titles in the IWCCW. When that folded (motto: "more initials in our name than fans in our seats"), T.D. started working for a promotion called Eastern Championship Wrestling, and by the time THAT folded he was the Innovator of Violence, was married to an unbelievably hot softcore pornstar, and had bled a decade's worth for a coast of fans who loved him, and may or may not have wanted to hit his future children with a combat stick for fun. No word on what happened to Gentleman's Quarterly Madison, but we'll pretend he became, I don't know, Balls Mahoney.

Tightly Bulged Balls Mahoney

18. Acolyte Protection Agency

Team: Faarrooqq and Bradshaw
Era: Seemingly forever, WWF Attitude Era

Ron Simmons and John Layfield were both successful college football players, and Simmons was even an All-American for Florida State. By the time they ended up teaming together in the WWF they had long careers as smash-mouth tough guys. They formed a team of smash-mouth tough guys called "Hell's Henchmen" and were shortly thereafter renamed "The Acolytes," because if they'd been the Hell's Henchmen when I was little I would've gotten in trouble with my parents for talking about them out loud. During this time both men wrestled with the opening credits from "The Lady in the Water" drawn onto their chests in magic marker. Things went well as the two men served as lackeys for The Undertaker, and when Taker's Ministry of Darkness folded the team was refocused as, what else, smash-mouth tough guys. Only now they were smash-mouth tough guys who liked to drink beer, so much so that they would not wrestle. They'd just sit backstage at the wrestling events getting paid to drink beer and tell other people to do things that were beer-related. This was the best paycheck of all time.

Anyway, the whole "cigar-lover" thing can take on whatever Freudian connotation it wants, and the "close friend" sleeveless-T pats-on-the-butt thing gets washed over because it's professional wrestling. The thing that gets them on this list, though (besides the backstage rumors about Bradshaw molesting new guys in the showers and putting his finger up "Iceman" Buck Quartermain or whoever's butt), is their officially licensed "APA: Acolyte Protection Agency" T-shirt. That's what they'd started calling themselves when the beer drinking evolved into bodyguarding for beer money (and a giant sign reading "beer"). Sounds okay, right? The first few APA shirts sold well, with slogans like WE ARE GOING TO BEAT YOU UP (paraphrased) on the back. Then a shirt was released suggesting that APA stood for something other than "Acolyte Protection Agency." The shirt read:

APA

ALWAYS
POUNDING
ASS

Yep. I guess "pounding ass" was supposed to be like "whipping ass," but they weren't the AWA, so unless they wanted something kinda funny like ALWAYS PUNCHING ASS, "POUNDING" was it. SO! Two rough-and-tumble pals who spend all day drunk together are constantly pounding asses. Sounds about right.

17. Beverly Brothers

Team: Blake and Beau Beverly
Era: 1991-93, WWF

In the 1950s it was cool for the big bad guy to have a curly blonde dye-job, because the people watching didn't have a cable television of douchebags like that for forty-some years prefacing them. By the time the 1990s came along I was ten, and even I was sick of seeing guys like this. I'd grown up with Adorable Adrian Adonis for Christ's sakes, I had witnessed the pinnacle of "effeminate blonde guy you hate." I didn't want the Beverly Brothers. That'd be like watching the Challenger Explosion and then being expected to get REALLY EXCITED about your mongoloid next door neighbor wrecking his dirt bike.

The "gay" of the Beverly Brothers arrives from several points, including: (a) purple cape-suits with shooting stars all over them, (b) the fact that just before this they were the "Minnesota Wrecking Crew 2," managed by Ole Anderson, aka one half of the original Minnesota Wrecking Crew, the least gay tag team of all time, (c) being managed by "The Genius," a frisbee-throwing baritone poet so pleased with his recent high school graduation that he refused to take off the robe and hat, (d) mexi-staches, (e) Blake Beverly's real last name is "Enos."

Okay, I grew up watching the NWA. To me, EVERYBODY in the WWF in 1991 except for Ricky Freaking Steamboat was gay. Hacksaw Jim Duggan almost made this list by himself.

16. Rhythm and Blues

oh no, other elvis forgot his pants again

Team: The Honky Tonk Man and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Era: ~1990, WWF (see)

Greg Valentine was (is) one of those barrel-chested dudes who looks like a redneck's Mom and takes pride in elbowing you to death and breaking your legs in the figure-four leglock. He had been doing so for 20 years. Then he dyed his hair black and formed a tag team of Elvis Impersonators (who aren't actually impersonating Elvis but pretending to be like, alternate-timeline persons who came up with the idea for Elvis or...something) with "The Honky Tonk Man," a, uh, wrestling Elvis impersonator. They went on to impersonate Elvis!

Sadly they did, and at Wrestlemania VI they were driven to the ring in a pink Cadillac (driven by future World Champion Diamond Dallas Page who himself asked fans to "feel the bang") to perform their new "hit," "Hunka Hunka Hunka Honkey Love." So you've got two guys dressed like Elvis, one with no pants, pantomiming guitar by swinging their arms in circles, and singing a song about the massive love of the white man. Oh, and they were managed by a mustachioed man in a suit covered in hearts calling them "baby" through a megaphone.

The joy of wrestling absurdity and acceptance of men without pants can only go so far, friends.

15. Cruel Intentions

Team: Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon Kid Diablo and Gonzo
Era: UPW

Does anybody else remember the old Mirage Comics issues of the Ninja Turtles where the Shredder gets resurrected and he's three guys, and one of them is really tall and one of them is squat and small? These guys are the Shredder clones of Scott Stapp. That's HILARIOUS to maybe 0.02% of the audience.

This entry is an unofficial nod for everyone who made the conscious decision to wrestle in leather pants instead of proper ring attire. Yeah, okay, so it doesn't make sense for Kane, a burn-victim who lived in a basement and couldn't speak for years, to show up in red flame tights and a hand-crafted mask, but come on, I can't look at a guy in leather pants and call him an athlete. I can barely look at a guy in leather pants. I don't want a SHIRTLESS guy in leather pants and a studded belt to do the whole roll-around-in-underwear pretend fight thing. That just makes the whole operation that much closer to apartment wrestling. And I wasn't completely comfortable with those old ads for apartment wrestling!

Also, I'm fairly certain that Gonzo is a chicken fucker.

14. The Klondike Brothers

Team: Bill & Jake
Era: FWA ftw

what would you do for the klondike brothers

nyeeeaaah I'm pretty sure this is what's going to greet me when I click a blind link and end up at a Lemon Party.

13. The Naturals

Team: Andy Douglas and Chase Stevens
Era: 2003-current, NWA TNA

Before they were "The Naturals," these two knuckleheads who look like your ex-girlfriends in doofy headbands were known as "Natural Heat," which may have been about women in prison (I'm not sure), and as "The Alternative Express," which alone is gay enough to make it on this list, unless it had something to do with the Smashing Pumpkins in like 1992 or the show "Calliope." They got over as heels by wearing black nail polish and goth-style clothes, the same thing that had made the WWF's Hardy Boyz popular like five years before, and by pretty much going out in front of Memphis, Tennessee and going "WE'RE NOT FROM HERE!" They were managed by "The Goddess Athena," who emerged fully grown from Jerry Lawler's head.

I could go over their history in NWA TNA, but honestly it would put your monitor into hibernation. It can be summed up by saying "they won some matches and lost some matches," and boom, that's the last four years of The Naturals. I swear to God they look like they should be background soldier characters you meet in passing in Final Fantasy 13 or some shit. Currently they are managed by former NWA Champion Shane Douglas, are THE SHIT~!, and are winning some matches and losing some matche
zzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

12. WCW Patriots

Team: Todd Champion and Firebreaker Chip
Era: Large portions of my unfortunate childhood, WCW

Wrestling fans are not surprised by occupational wrestlers. Garbage men, football players, doctors, teachers, and failed UPN horror drama stars all end up deciding that the best way to further their personal mission statement is to become a professional wrestler. I don't know why they do it, but they do. Jeff Jarrett wanted people to think he was the greatest country music singer in the world, so he wrestled and never sang. People who are supposed to be in the army are wrestling in butt-fuck Ohio while a war is going on. What binds them together is that they are bad at their jobs.

Todd Champion and "Firebreaker" Chip (who BROKE FIRES) were returning war veterans from the WCW Special Forces (which was actually billed as their hometown, because World Championship Wrestling needs a navy). Chip was also, I guess, a WCW Fireman, since his fire helmet had "W C W" written across it. He wore baggy pants and suspenders with no shirt. I don't know what war these guys were fighting, but if we can send Firebreaker Fucking Chip to Saudi Arabia and have him come back looking like somebody's engorged thyroid with a five alarm skeezeball tan, we don't have a hell of a lot to worry about. Later, Todd Champion changed his name to Todd Jobber. He also helped me rediscover my love of reading, because I had to find something else to do with my time besides watch him wrestle. I also could not masturbate for five years.

11. Motor City Madmen

Team: hahahaha
Era: oh my god

The less I know about these guys, the better. That's future ECW owner and current television personality Paul "E. Dangerously" Heyman pointing to a greased up muscle-belly full of water, but the two guys in hats are giving me bear rape nightmares. Look how dainty they are. They are delicate flowers. They will cry if they get a thank you letter on Christian stationary. But I'm pretty sure they want to cornhole me to death where I stand. It'd be like a waterbed landing on you. A hairy, brown waterbed.

OH GOD THE JEANS

10. West Hollywood Blondes

Team: Lenny Lane and Lodi
Era: 1999 WCW, and beyond

Wrestling organizations can be real cry-faced babies. They make millions of dollars and spend millions of dollars on television and pay-per-view across the globe, touching everywhere from New York City to Ethiopia, but if somebody tells them they're doing something wrong they throw a shit-fit for a decade and constantly tell you they don't care while caring so hard it annoys your face off. Lenny Lane and Lodi were chumpy wrestlers who were going nowhere, so they got put together in an "ambiguously gay duo" gimmick that some writer had seen on Saturday Night Live, and the West Hollywood Blondes were born. Lenny started putting his hair in pigtails and they started sharing lollipops. It wasn't so bad because they seemed to be having fun with it, but Turner Broadcasting put the hammer down and demanded they stop the offensive, almost gay behavior. WCW reacted by shelving the gay gimmick, but started calling Lenny and Lodi "STANDARDS AND PRACTICES" and made them a team devoted to making fun of Standards and Practices. Gay.

Nobody liked them anymore, so they devolved into the indies (the shitty indies too, not the good pretentious puro-wannabe indies) and kept gaying it up for the 55 people at your local armory. The storyline died quickly, but gave us the birth of "Miss Hancock," a sexy sex who sexed for our pleasure as a naughty disciplinarian. She's now known as Stacy Keibler, former WWE Diva and "Dancing with the Stars" reality show runner-up. She is famous for "having legs." She's got a sitcom in development. No idea if it's about her legs, but if it isn't, we're probably never going to see it, because she has the acting prowess of a rutabaga. Thank goodness she got out of the WWE's dirty, dangerous world of quarterly holiday-themed photoshoots and trips to the Bahamas while she was still young.

9. Dynamic Dudes

Team: Johnny Ace and Shane Douglas
Era: Bowels of WCW

In Mick Foley's book, he talks about how fans got wise to how "Heavy Metal" Van Hammer loved playing guitar and carried a guitar to the ring, but never actually played it. The Dynamic Dudes, two blonde surfing skateboarders in hyper-color, neon short-shorts, came to the ring signing for us to "hang loose" with one hand and holding a skateboard in the other. Holding. Holding a skateboard as they walked. It made them "dudes," but not so much with the dynamism.

One of my favorite storylines as a kid involved the Dudes and the Midnight Express. The Midnight Express, managed by Southern mama's boy James E. Cornette, were the epitome of evil when I was growing up. They cheated, lied, and put down the most heinous beatings ever filmed on my favorite tag team, the Rock n' Roll Express. By the time the Dynamic Dudes showed up, the Express rivalry had lightened up and Cornette, looking for something to do, decided to manage TWO teams: The Midnights, and the Dudes. They played up his allegiances for what seemed like months, and may have been, with Cornette accidentally costing the Midnights a match here and there. Eventually it turned into a full scale battle between the two teams, with Corny caught in the middle. Humorously enough, the big match ended with Cornette beating the shit out of the Dynamic Dudes with a tennis racket and allowing the Midnight Express to win, to thunderous applause. Even the little kids wanted to see the bad guys kill the Dudes. Put your goddamn neon trucker hats on straight, you goofs.

Shane Douglas went on to be a multiple time heavyweight champion of sorts and manages #13 on this list. Johnny Ace is now the Vice President of WWE Talent Relations and makes our televised wrestling bad on a regular basis.

8. Too Cool

Team: Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor
Era: 1998 - infinity, WWF Attitudez

When given the task of "Jerry Lawler's Son," the WWF decided he'd work best in a gay tag team with some schmoe. So was born "Too Much," and honestly, the were fantastic. They were losers, sure, but they were entertaining. They played it up just right and never took it over the edge, giving each other hugs on their knees and all the great stuff we love to boo, despite constant rumors that the F was going to make them get married on TV. That was the constant rumor from like 1997 until like 25 years from now. Too Much is going to have a gay wedding and Yokozuna is going to join the Hart Foundation. They were SO good, of course, that they could no longer be allowed to be good and had to change. They became wiggers. And you know what?

They were STLL great. They were retarded, and people cheered for them. They lost, regularly, and people cheered for them. They were SO good, of course, that they could no longer be allowed to be good and had to add a fat Samoan in a diaper to their team and do choreographed dance routines involving magical goggles and Michael Jackson hats. The fat guy's finishing move was to pull his thong up into his butt and place said butt into the face of his opponent. And you know what?

It was cute, at times. But incredibly, incredibly gay. Gayer than when they were actually gay. I thought at any time they were going to whip out a three-way gay wedding ceremony as an excuse for more TV time devoted to dancing. When you yearn for the days of a tag team coming out on mopeds wearing pink helmets, something is seriously homosexual.

7. Generation Next

Team: Roderick Strong and Jack Evans
Era: 2004-6, Ring of Honor

Perhaps the most subtle, nuanced portrayal of tagging gays to everyone in the world but me, Ring of Honor's team of tiny tiny angry white soft guys "Generation Next" broke onto the scene and became fan favorites, despite the harsh environment of the Ring of Honor crowds, where you have to be wrestling and called good by someone to be loved. Strong, a guy named "Strong" despite the fact that he's clearly never worked out and looks like a big water balloon, and Evans, a lithe wigger in a nap cap who MIGHT weight 100 pounds if he's wearing professional grade boots, do lots of high-fiving and hugging and combination moves, and afterward make their way into the restrooms to "cut promos." They wear tight-fitting clothing and pat each other on the tit when they speak. They were in a stable with the oddly-bearded and a-little-too-old-to-still-be-this-metro Austin Aries, who used to call himself Dan "Casual" Sexon. It's all there, people. You just have to look closely.

If I were a worse writer I could say NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT which was a quote about gays from the show Seinfeld and included in every single person who does not have a problem with gay people's sentence about how they don't have a problem with gay people. I won't say that. But as it stands for everyone else on the list, being gay does not change how you wrestle, unless you wrestle "gay." If you are gay you are as good or bad of a wrestler as the straight guy who learned what you learned and can do what you do. Being gay is a sexual preference, not a wrestling skill. If Arn Anderson was gay, guess what, he's fucking Arn Anderson. Nobody cares. At the same time, I think we should be open and accepting of the wrestlers we like and their sexual preferences, so that when guys like Strong show up we can cheer for their open-hand slaps and sideways caps with pride in the spirit of progression.

And besides, why else would A.J. Styles always seem to have a problem with them? He just thought they liked going to the gym a lot.

6. Billy & Chuck

Team: Billy, Chuck
Era: 2002, WWE

Anybody here ever seen the movie "Chuck and Buck?" Great idea for a tag team.

Billy and Chuck are the most infamous "gay" tag team of all time, and they're number 6 on my list. That should tell you something. They were put in a tag team, grew increasingly fond of one another, got a tag-along hair stylist, and eventually got engaged. Chuck got down on his knee and proposed to Billy when they could've devoted, I don't know, five additional minutes to a wrestling match. Matt Lauer even gave them a gravy boat courtesy of GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian trash bag company, for their outstanding achievement in the field of implied sodomy. The E had been trying to get a gay wedding written into storylines since the heyday of Too Much, and they'd finally gotten their opportunity here. It even got them some POSITIVE mainstream publicity! So what'd they do?

They had Billy and Chuck get cold feet at the wedding, talk about how it was all supposed to be a publicity stunt, have the preacher rip off his plastic face to reveal the rival general manager, and have the ceremony end with two big fat Samoan gangsters assaulting Chuck, Billy, and the nearby women. What we don't want to forget is the glory days of Billy and Chuck; backstage vignettes where they exchange novelty headbands, gags about stretching, and the like. What we do want to forget is that we have ever watched professional wrestling.

5. Christopher Street Connection

Team: Buff E and Mace Mendoza
Era: Right out of the gate, first match, first Ring of Honor show ever

Of the gay tag teams featured, this is the actual "gayest" one. They make out in the ring, they make out with fans at ringside, they are called the fucking "Christopher Street Connection." Everything they do is gay. Gay gay gay. Gay elbow drop. Being dropped on their big gay head. They were even managed by the Fun Athletic Guy, aka "FAG," a clever joke acted out by a guy named Rob Feinstein. Rob Feinstein was later picked up by the police for suspicion of gay pedophilia, aka asking a little boy to have sex with him over the Internet. The FAG is also the guy who ran RF video, and was the brains and money behind the creation of Ring of Honor.

So.

Professional wrestling is pretty gay, right? And then you get these times where it represents everything you can feel. Hate, honor, triumph, death, life. Blood, sweat, tears, broken bones. Japan, Mexico, Europe, New York City. Samoa Joe and Kenta Kobashi chopping the shit out of each other in a hotel ballroom while 700 people go OOOOH. Forks to the head. Tearful goodbyes under a pile of streamers. Memories. Eddie Guerrero. The best. The worst. Everything good about something that rarely ever loves you back. And of the wrestling organizations we have in America, the ONE that prides itself on honor and performance, on integrity and grit, on suffering and dedication... was started by a gay pedophile who called himself FUN ATHLETIC GUY in person.

The first match in ROH history was a couple of gay guys getting beaten up for our amusement, because they were gay.

/shrug

right on his big gay head

4. The Bushwackers

Team: Luke and Butch
Era: clown shoes

For a team called "The Bushwackers," Luke and Butch seemed more interested in going "whoa," goose stepping with their arms, and licking people in the hair. That was their thing. Licking. Licking heads. Children, wrestlers, each other. Just licking and going WHOOOAAA. And EVERYONE I HAVE EVER MET LOVED THEM. I can't understand it. THE BUSHWACKERS? Their original gimmick was that they were "The Sheepherders," a very sly gimmick that in no way implied that they had sex with sheep asses. Two toothless foreign sheep fuckers licking everybody. Going "whoa." And they are LEGENDS.

I think we need to take a step back and take the Bushwackers in context. Wrestling fans should enjoy more than they do, especially online, but we shouldn't enjoy EVERYTHING. You should not enjoy the Bushwackers. If you are a "smart" fan, you shouldn't like them because they did a finisher where one guy held his partner's head and used it as a battering ram to hit people in the stomach. What the fuck is that? A battering ram? You're headlocking your partner and walking into someone. If you are a "mark," they are TOOTHLESS SHEEPFUCKERS LICKING YOUR HEAD. If you sincerely want Butch the Bushwacker to lick the side of your face you are beyond my realm of understanding.

If you liked the Bushwackers, stop it. Like the Moondogs. They were like the Bushwackers, only instead of licking people they put bones in their mouths.

Ah shit.

3. American Males

Team: The Rookie Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Scotty Riggs
Era: 1995-96 WCW

"When you see them coming, better run for cover!
Girls you don't need a weekend loveeeeeer
mmm
American Males"

That's the first stanza of the theme to "American Males." If you'd like to know the rest of the lyrics, go "AMERICAN MALES" in a robot voice, then repeat that 65 times. AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES. At once the greatest and worst theme of all time, it welcomed (guess who) the "American Males," a team of guys who like to tan, like to work out, and for fucks sakes wear suspenders without shirts. Scotty Riggs (who went on to become a pirate, no shit) and Marcus Bagwell (who almost made this list like 15 times) looked like refugees from a Color Me Badd video and wrestled in a style so charming to the ladies that they had a signature hand signal, an overhead, two-handed clap. So it can be said that the American Males gave everyone the clap.

"AMERICAN MALES
AMERICAN MALES
AMERICAN MALES"

I like that they weren't unique or discernable enough to have a more descriptive name. Nope, you're the AMERICAN MALES. You're going by where you were born and what sex you are. They weren't even good enough to be called "Dynamic Dudes."

2. The Johnsons

Team: what
Era: God forsaken TNA

Early TNA didn't have a lot going for it. Like, Apollo and shit. But there were RUMORS. THE JOHNSONS were going to debut. They were going to wear condoms on their heads and wrestle in full condom bodysuits. They were going to be Richard and Rod Johnson. They were going to bring back the fucking unstoppable hilarity of the Big Johnson t-shirts you had to sit through in middle school.

So it's time for their debut, and here come "The Johnsons." Only they aren't wearing condoms on their heads...no, they're ACTUALLY JOHNSONS.

The NATIONAL WRESTLING ALLIANCE made a team of professional wrestlers into LIVING PENISES and called them THE JOHNSONS. THE JOHNSONS. Fuck me, the Johnsons.

They wrestled for a couple of shows, dicked over their manager (ho ho), and went back to where they came from. You see, they were twins. Yes, identical twins under masks and full body suits. They liked to wrestle, though, and since everybody gets a bad gimmick here and there, they put things behind them and moved on to greener pastures. Namely, coming in to the WWE as "THE GYMINI," twins who like to work out. Hopefully one day they'll get the gimmicks of "normal human beings."

1. The Dicks

Team: Chad and James Dick
Era: 2005-2006

And the only thing gayer than wrestling penises are guys who are supposed to be wrestling penises but are passive aggressive about it. Chad Wicks and Tank Toland were perfectly normal, bad independent wrestlers until they signed developmental deals and reported to Ohio Valley Wrestling. There they became "The Tolands," Chad and Tank. That's not so bad. Lots of guys in tag teams get related. Ain't no thing. They work hard (juice themselves out of their minds, buy suspenders to be worn shirtless) and get called up to the bigs. The Tolands, live and on television!

Only, no.

They became THE DICKS. Chad and James DICK. Bowties and collars, glittery suspenders, tear-away pants. No shirt. Copious amounts of baby oil. The gimmick that they are Chippendales dancers and also wrestling penises. The commentators got to make jokes about how teams were being "hard on the Dicks," and how the "Dicks" were "getting off." Get it? Do you get it? They are Dicks. DICKS. Penises. PENISES. DICKS WRESTLING. do you see

They've got to be worse than the actual wrestling dicks. How can you be worse than actual wrestling dicks? How can you be gayer than the act of being gay? Somehow the WWE found a way, and soon enough the Dicks were even too much for THAT audience and were gone. Released. Let's take two guys from out of nowhere, give them a lot of money, make them call themselves cocks on television, and then fire them. How does this happen? How has humanity gotten to this point? How do we come back from it? Can we? Should we be allowed to?

Coked-up psychopathic billionaires. Wrestling dicks.

DICKS.

AAH