Your Conspiracy Truther Facebook Friend Talks Current Events.

Oh man, y'all hear about the pope quitting? Funny thing, though. When'd he say — heh, with apologies to Johnny Paycheck, heh — "take this job and shove it"? February 11, 2013. Same day Mountain Dew announced its new breakfast drink. Same. Day. Yeah, that ain't no coincidence, kemosabes. What's the drink called? Kickstart. Just sayin'. 'Nuff said. Don't know about you, but I got chills, man.

See, I think about this shit, man. Like, you think it's just random chance they found all that horse meat in Burger King just weeks before Identity Thief came out? Weeks! Spooky stuff.

Or, like, you see that Dodge truck commercial from the Super Bowl where the farmer guy is talking about how God made farmers so they can make horseshoes and whatever? Here's something that'll blow your puny little mind: The farmer doing the talking isn't a farmer at all. His voice is identical to the voice of this guy who used to be on WKJK. Really makes you feel like you can't trust anything that comes out of Hollyweird...

It gets crazier, though. You know that storm that just hit New York and the other New England states? What was that called again? Nemo. Stop. Cut. Rewind the tape. I said Nemo. Ring any bells? How about if I do this: Nemo. Nome. Rearrange the letters, you get Nome. Now, guess what movie came out 59 days, to the day — to the day! — before Nemo. Give up? The Hobbit, which was about a type of nome (sp?).

See, once you start seeing the patterns in stuff, it's like a light has turned on. Choose the red pill, man. Wake up. Don't be a sheeple. You hear about Maker's Mark watering down their whiskey, for example? Look closer. What color is the Maker's Mark seal thing? Red. And what hit movie is getting a much-anticipated sequel this year? Red. Who's the star of Red? Dame Helen Mirren. They got Mirren! I can't be the only one seeing this.

You don't have to take my word for it, though. There are brilliant minds all over YouTube and Twitter (almost all of whom "just happen" to be recently unemployed from Gamestop — coincidence? Uh, shyeah, methinks not!) doing good work, wrestling the truth out from the grasp of the powers that be and bringing it to the people. See, the government doesn't want us thinking about this stuff. That's why there's fluoride and vaccines. But remember what that dude said in The Matrix? "Buckle your seatbelt, Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is goin' bye-bye." That was awesome.

And isn't it odd how all those gun guys have the same lawyer and the same mom? Oh, you think that's just a coincidence? Au contraire, mon frere. Get educated. Trilateral Commission. Illuminati. Bilderberg Group. Bohemian Grove. 9/11. Hulk Hogan's sex tape. It's all connected, man. It's one big spiderweb, and you can either be a fly or another kind of bug that doesn't get stuck in spiderwebs.

Anyway, I gotta get back to my shift at Gamestop, but I leave you with this: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. You know who said that? Bob Marley. It's all connected. All connected.