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Your Guide To The Commercials Of Super Bowl XLVII.

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Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Well gang, the big game is almost here — and I ain't talkin' lions and elephants! That's right, folks: it's the Super Bowl. John Harbaugh's Baltimore Ravens and Jim Harbaugh's San Francisco 49ers — no, you ain't seein' double! They're brothers from the, er, same mother — will square off Sunday night in the Big Easy. That's right, folks: "Nawlins," where none other than Blues Brothers 2000 was partially set.

But if you're anything like me, there's just one thing you'll have your peepers open for after kickoff. That's right, folks: the commercials! And guess what, gang? I've got the inside scoop on all the must-watch, most viral-worthy 'mershes. These are the big bad voodoo daddies (New Orleans term) that will have people chewing the fat at our nation's water coolers come Monday morning.

AXE Body Spray
A smirking young man shoos two bodacious babes out of his house. His roommate gives him a high five and says, "Props, dude! Hey, you're smelling good!" He replies, "Whoa, not cool. Dude code, bro." He points to a sign that reads "DUDE CODE. Rule #1: Dudes don't tell other dudes how awesomesauce their AXE Body Spray smells." The roommate nods his head solemnly. "Now let's hit the mancave," he says.

This 20-minute-long commercial will be sure to set tongues wagging! It is a montage of brief shots of everything ever committed to film, interspersed with occasional screen captures of Google searches in action. A man with a warm, calming voice narrates the entirety of human history, from ancient Mesopotamia up to "Gangnam Style." The ad strikes a deep emotional chord for no apparent reason.

Miller Lite
An uptight nerd is at a bar with Banksy-style art spraypainted on the brick wall behind him. He orders an appletini. The bodacious female bartender looks at him and laughs derisively. "Really??" she says. A young professional in a plaid shirt and tie appears and orders a Miller Lite. She slides it to him with a wink. "Cheers," he says to the nerd, who sighs effeminately.

Korean pop music sensation Psy meets legendary Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger, who mistakes him for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. Jagger signals to a bodyguard, who moves toward Psy with a large butterfly net. Psy then produces a Pepsi from his pocket. The two men laugh and bond over the Pepsi. Paul McCartney shows up and grabs the Pepsi from Jagger's hands. All three do the "Gangnam Style" dance.

A man lifts a sledgehammer over his head and brings it down with full force on a large rock, smashing it into many smaller rocks. He wipes sweat from his brow with a handkerchief as the sun beats down from overhead. "This is America," the Sam Elliott voiceover begins. "Home of the brave. We make things. We work hard. Land of the free. We killed Osama Bin Laden. Hard work is good. America works in factories, building things. Smash things too. We landed on the moon."

The commercial cuts to another man, this one emerging from a coal mine, wiping the coal dust from his brow and squinting in the sun. Cut to: a third man working in factory, straining to turn an enormous wrench on a lugnut, which sends sparks flying everywhere. The camera pans outside, where another man grits his teeth and mops his brow as he drags a bus behind him using a massive chain. We then cut to all four men riding together in a Chrysler truck driving down the nearly vertical wall of a quarry. "We are you, America," the voiceover says.

Young professionals smile at each other on a rooftop flooded with blue lighting. They are drinking Bud Light Platinum. The camera pans down to the street, where a rough-and-tumble crew of construction workers fresh off their shift stand around a barrel fire drinking regular Bud Lights. "From 'Gangnam Style' to your style...We've got ya covered," the voiceover says.

A dog sees his owner eating Doritos. He looks at the camera and cheekily raises and lowers his CGI eyebrows. He bites his owner in the groin, causing him to fall out a window and land groin-first on a cat, who yowls. The dog eats the Doritos and then does the "Gangnam Style" dance.

Three men in comically shoddy Tostitos tortilla chip costumes do the "Gangnam Style" dance.

The camera struggles to focus on a piece of lined notebook paper torn from a spiral notebook. On it are scrawled the words, "Black barry: Buy are phone's." The paper shakes. A man clears his throat.