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What It Feels Like To Be 30.

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I never knew how to reply to the "how does it feel to be [age]" questions. After turning 30, i finally have an answer.

"What does it feel like to be [age]?" We all ask and are asked this question on an annual basis. It's a pretty banal question, right? There's no satisfactory answer for it. How does it feel to be 26? LOL I DON'T KNOW MAN HAHA

But as I've learned, the 30th birthday is different. It's a question I can actually answer! Here, in a series of bullet points, is what it feels like to be 30 years old.

  • A worthless fucking old pile of shit
  • Garbage, but better, because I will at least walk my haggard ass to the curb
  • Fucking horrible as fuck
  • Useless
  • Two or three trillion cells that can't wait to be worm food
  • The worst and oldest person in the entire world
  • Pre-shit
  • A rusty pipe some kid found in an abandoned warehouse and dropped halfway home because it wasn't that cool after all
  • A copy of "Meet the Deedles" on HD-DVD
  • Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking old
  • God's weird uncle