TV Listings From Every TV Show Universe.

Channel 3
12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: Cartoons from the 1940s, commercial-free, on endless loop. You will watch them if you are a bored security guard, a hired goon, a teenager, or ... anyone else, actually. You might be a hardened forensics expert or a demi-god stranded on a mystical island. Doesn't matter. A cartoon character will step on a garden hoe or something and you will find this really funny.

Channel 5
6 p.m.: Local news. Studio set looks approximately 10-15 years out of date. On-scene reporters inexplicably attempt to conduct interviews while live on air. Interview subjects offer implausibly astute commentary. Each segment concludes with, "and now for the weather report." Weather report is never shown.

9 p.m.: Wheel of Fortune. In prime time. In the year 2012.

Channel 8
6 p.m.: Exact same local news as Channel 5 because there is only one local news broadcast in the entire city.

Public television
12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: Nature documentary. Specifically, a 45-second clip of a nature documentary, usually of a bird attracting a mate or of a male/female establishing dominance (whichever is a more appropriate ham-fisted analogy for your life situation at present). Don't worry, we'll loop it all day until it fits. We'll wait.

WNN
8:00 a.m.-8:00 p.m.: Anchor on 12-hour shift. There is only one anchor on the entire network. Too-large gaudy WNN logo takes up an entire quadrant of the screen. Said logo is just "WNN" in Arial Bold font in front of an animated spinning globe that they forgot to put any land on.

8:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: Helicopter shot that ruins your "I live in Anytown, USA!" construct by establishing that you are in Los Angeles just like everyone else in every other goddamn show ever.

Home Shopping Network

7:00:03 p.m.-7:00:06 p.m.: Actual clips from the real-life Home Shopping Network because they will seriously just give that shit away. Airs for the three seconds it will take you to channel surf from some other channel to this channel to to the news, where they are talking about you.

ESN

12:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.: The same college football game played over and over without any score graphics or anything else on the screen. Play-by-play man sounds exactly like the color commentator and exclaims "WHAT A PLAY!" after a four-yard rush up the middle. Volume decreases while you clench your fist and exclaim "dagnabbit" or some shit. Watch out. A guy is about to walk into the room and shoot you.